Have any of you ever felt not trans enough? I do.
My List of Doubts and General Negativity
- What if I never look male?
- Family (my dad is extremely intolerant)
- Have internal battles about being female
- I haven't fully started presenting as male (I am easing into it)
-I still have feminine tendencies
-What if T isn't right for me (I want it though)
* A major amount of information has been taken out of this post. At this point in time I am going through a hard time and my feelings are constantly changing. I don't feel comfortable putting out a lot of info right now, sorry. *
When I was 4 YO I asserted to my family: "somebody has made a mistake and should take this pipi away because I am a girl"
No doubts what so ever then or now...
Quote from: MR.MAN on January 21, 2013, 06:13:10 PM
- I don't have much dysphoria (that's a blessing but sometimes makes me feel less trans [stupid, I know])
- Despite being masculine I still have some feminine tendencies
-What if regret transition (I`m looking forward to it a lot but what if somehow I get really suicidal or something really bad happens)
Yeah these doubts are familiar. I don't experience active, big body dysphoria - my female body parts just don't exist. When I see myself in a mirror by accident or force myself to notice them, I do get terrified/disgusted, though. :-X And even though breasts aren't a huge problem for me, the mental image I have of myself is a teenage boy / androgynous male body.
I'm having the "what if I'm not trans enough" -doubts as well. My main concern is that I just don't feel a gender - I only have this gut feeling of not being a girl. Tried to fake one for so long that the act became a part of me. Although I knew I was faking it even back then, I tried really, really hard since I felt I had no other options if I ever wanted to fit in or have any friends. The concern I have is, I just don't have an internal feeling of being any gender, really. I know I've always been jealous of how my male friends look and wanting to have their facial traits and bodies and not looking like this, but I never felt I
was a boy. Maybe I feel some kind of androgyne identity, not sure.
I basically reinvented myself when I started high school and was very feminine and girly for several years, trying to leave a "dark side" of me in the past. I'm not certain about this, but I'm guessing the 9 years of bullying pushed me into that girl shell, and discovering the real me has meant having to face who I am underneath the act. And even during high school I was so confused when the femme art student guys never seemed to recognize me being one of them, lol :D
And about the masculine/feminine thing. If there's a book out there that tries to determine what being male/female is compared to being masculine/feminine, I'd like to get that book. The only thing I can find in myself to understand the difference is how I relate to my body. Although I have very masculine traits, I didn't feel like a "tomboy" as a kid, nor do I identify as a butch in any way - just the odd one off. And although I have loads of feminine traits, in my head that doesn't make me a girl. ::) I feel like my feminine and masculine traits have arranged themselves just oddly (both physically and mentally), and that they and me don't fit into the female category.
Likewise, with others I just always cringe when people relate to me as a female or call me a girl. Looking back, it's so strange to basically never be seen as who you feel you are inside. It was frightening to wake up last year and understand that others really do see me as a girl, and even a girly girl, when I'm nothing like that and it just feels plain wrong. Telling about my trans* feelings has been the first way to get people see me a bit more as *me*.
So doubts, yes, I seem to like discussing doubts. ^^ I'm still doubting whether I want any hormones, too. It's totally possible I won't for years to come.
Never once doubted it, and have I guess always knew but my first day of school set me right off
Not going to go through the whole "realization part" It wasn't a sudden snap. I sorta just accepted myself over time but hid it well.
I think many of us had similar doubts, I was scared I would never be able tp pass as a woman, and then before I understood SRS I thought I would never be able to be a omplete and whole woman physically.
Mentally there was no doubts, its all physical fears.
for me it was not until people started to pint it out. as far as hrt and everything else goes i did not really start to freak out or doubt myself until after FFS and the SRS. it was major depression and landed me in the psychiatric ward. but i did learn to adjust and everything after bout 6 months. just a not most people dont have a bad reaction to transition like i did. im sure you will be relieved and more chill ;)
i dont remember much bout growing up. what i do remember is feeling extremely betrayed by my body when puberty started. i have always been a 'tomboy'. there is a picture of me that i have in my head that i always go to when remembering my childhood and i am covered in dirt from top to bottom just chilling. i also remember a question my cousin asked me a few years ago, what kind of girl are you, then i couldnt answer her but now i can and i can say im not, i have never been. i only really learned about transgender and being able to transition about 4 years ago and when i learned i could be the man i thought i would grow up to be i felt relived. now i am waiting to start hrt and i am scared and worried about the same things you are, its normal. thats what i tell myself. i think it would be weird if you wernt scared or had worries.
know this, its perfectly fine. there is no such thing as trans enough. its statistically impossible for all trans people to be exactly the same, as much as it is for cis folks.
When I was five my mom dressed me up in her cloths for Halloween for a laugh. She even included her padded bra. It was not stuffed but it made me appear as a girl just starting to develop breasts. Well when I looked in the mirror, what I saw was a pretty girl looking back at me. I thought to myself that this is what I will look like when I get older. I loved the feel of the nylons on my legs. Her short skirt fell to my knees. I was able to somehow fit into her high heels though they were a bit large for me. It just felt right. I'm not saying I wouldn't be trans if this never occurred but I'm sure it was the starting gun. This started me playing in her ceder closet every chance I had. I needed to see that girl in the mirror every chance I could.
From that day on I knew I was a girl inside and she needed to escape the prison that confined her.
At the age when puberty hit me I was devastated that I wasn't developing like the other girls my age. I tried to put this out of my mind but did some dressing every now and then when the need to see that girl would rear its ugly head. I couldn't shake it.
So back into the ceder closet I went only now I would stuff the bra so that I would be the same size as the cis girls I knew.
Skip ahead to two years ago and she was still screaming to get out. I starting seeing a psychiatrist because I was in a deep depression we talked about the cause of it. It was from two things. The sudden breakup with my long time girlfriend who just up and left me, and Bethany screaming to get out.
I knew what I needed to do last summer but read some things on the web that scared me away from starting to transition. I knew because I am not mobile that there is a risk of blood clotting.
But a few months after that I couldn't go on. I hit rock bottom it was see if I could transition or well I don't even want to say what the alternative was. So I told my psychiatrist that I have to go forward. We talked about the dangers that I could face. I knew because I am not mobile that there is a risk of blood clotting. I weighed the options. possible shorten my life span and be happy, or be a SOB for the rest of my life. I'll take happiness thank you very much. He agreed with my decision saying it was well thought out.
So yes I had a bit of reservations of starting HRT but I don't regret my decision to go forward with it. Last november I made my appointment at Fenway Health for January 18th.
At my appiontment I was given my perscriptions. Had them filled on the 20th and been taking them for the past two weeks now.
I have never so happy in my life.
Hugs
Bethany
We kind of have similar stories. Sorta. At least the recent part...
ThenMy realization was recent, too. I've never had any friends. Through all of school. Up until Freshman year when my social life exploded for very terrible reasons. I'd had a severely messed up childhood and I chalked being unlikable up to that, I've seen a therapist of some kind since I was 6 or 7, off and on for the most part. I liked most of them. I started to like boys when I was in eighth or so grade, that summer I talked to two people whom I'd thought were my best friends; they were actually very reassuring at the time, and they were like, "Nah man, you just need to find a girlfriend, then you won't feel like that." One even went as far as to say, "I've been there too, but it's just 'cause you're single." I was relieved, and believed them. Of course, I've talked to them three times since and it's been more than four years, and we've been in the same school the whole time.
I'm leaving out all the bullying, and what it drove me to do.
In the summer after Freshman year, I decided I was just Bi. Partly because this girl I really, really liked thought that was sexy for some reason, and because I did, in fact, like guys. But this way I could be open about it and have an excuse to tell the few guy friends I had.
Sophomore year, after forging some seriously deep friendships, it was very obvious I was fruity, and most people actually
assumed I was gay. Girls where surprised when I'd ask them on dates and things like that, I thought it was funny. However, I'd also met someone online, I play World of Warcraft and have for years, and I met another t-girl whom I still talk to, to this day via that game.
She explained to me what trans* was and what it meant. My eyes were opened, "Holy crap, there are more numbers than 1 and 0." If you get that analogy. Over time, I just thought about it more and more, looking back at things I'd done and said as a kid. My favorite cartoon characters, favorite movies, colors, everything; it all pointed right at Trans. and by the end of that year of thought & school, I'd attempted, very unsuccessfully, to come out to everyone, and be proud of who I was, both publicly and to my family.
Such. A. Bad. Idea.
NowNow I've dropped out of Junior year, been arrested twice, three suicide attempts, six tickets, rolled my car, been in a mental ward and the ER both for more than a week, all within the span of August-December. And I'm a hairy beast living in my
father's basement, of all places. Using my subwoofers to hold up my desk where I work on music and play video games all day until next fall when I go back to school, online.
I have learned a lot. I can't even begin to list them all. There's just so much there.
QuoteI`m going to skip a bunch of minor details and delve straight into the second topic now: feeling 'not trans enough.' I have finally gotten to the point where I've connected to the fact that I`m trans, but sometimes I don't feel it 100%. I've already made a book out of this post so I`ll sum up my doubts/worries in a list that I am struggling with but slowly overcoming.
QuoteMy List of Trans. doubts and negativity I am overcoming
- I've already went through most of puberty what if I never look male?!
I understand this feeling, but I can't honestly say I can help you. FaB (Female at Birth) individuals do, unfortunately, hit and go through puberty faster than MaB, since bio. males are in puberty until their mid to late twenties. I'm not sure when you lot finish yours, though I'm sure you're well within the boundaries of being able to transition successfully. Youth helps, as far as I've seen, either way you go.
Quote- I don't have much dysphoria (that's a blessing but sometimes makes me feel less trans [stupid, I know])
It is a blessing, cherish it while you can. I had the same feeling and then one day I just broke down sobbing out of nowhere in the shower and I've been a dysphoric mess since. I'm bipolar however, so I think that may be why it was so sudden for me. I don't know, though.
Quote- I haven't fully started presenting as male (I am easing into it so it's easier on my family, I know I am male on the inside though)
See, I can only kind of relate to this one. I don't represent as female because currently I live in a town, where you are weird if you don't own more than three cowboy hats. There are 3200 people, technically. 200 live in the city proper. There are two stop lights. You get what I'm saying? I don't want to get lynched. And trust me,
it really is that bad. Though I do wish I'd been slower about coming out to my family, if only so they wouldn't have exploded like they did; they'd probably still be just as cruel to me as they are, because they were cruel before, anyway.
Also don't present as my gender because I don't pass and it's physically painful to look in the mirror, most days. especially when I try. The above is just my practical (& still truthful) excuse.
Quote- Despite being masculine I still have some feminine tendencies
Perfectly normal. I'm sitting here blasting bass music on a gaming computer worth more than my car was, with a trio of display ninja swords hanging on the wall, surrounded by an odd combination of death metal and EDM posters, featuring everyone from Skrillex, to Asking Alexandria, to Deadmau5, to Slipknot, to even Owl City, (Pop is EDM, >.>) hiding over in the corner. I wear baggy male jeans, my rainbow keyboard belt, work boots, t-shirts featuring my little pony and hello kitty characters, as well as various other cute things, and a little bit of makeup when I feel like it. I like guns and hot rods and shooter games just as much as I like doing nails and hair and fashion whatnot. I am absolutely adamantly sure I am a woman. My name is Rachel. That is who I am, end of story; no questions about it. You just have to take what you know in your heart is yourself and express it accordingly.
No one else's opinion or approval except yours can -ever- make you happy.
Quote-What if regret transition (I`m looking forward to it a lot but what if somehow I get really suicidal or something really bad happens)
If there's even an inkling of doubt, don't do it. That would be my opinion. I can imagine worried, and maybe even fearful of the unknwon, but if you
doubt that you will be happy afterward with the results, don't do it.
Quote- Acne (a big unmentioned part of bullying in middle school and huge detriment to my self esteem until 9th grade)
Yup. Still here, with many, many pimples on my face. What's worse, is my mother told me to pick it when it first started to come in, ("Pop those nasty things so I don't have to look at them!") and now it's become a habit and I do it all the time, even when I'm talking to someone. And the scar tissue all over my face, shoulders, back, neck, chest, and upper arms is piled on more so than layers of sediment on Earth's crust. And I still have 4-5 large ones (With infinite numbers of little ones and blackheads) all over those areas, even now, as I type this. I've tried dozens of medication and I'm allergic to Proactive. The only thing that even remotely helps is washing my face with unscented soap, gently. Very, very, very, very gently.
Oh, and Spironolactone has helped a lot since going on that. I started October 25th, 2012. I was supposed to start Estrogen on the 5th, but my doctor had a family emergency, and is out until April. Which is just
fantastic.
QuoteNotes
* Writing this post has helped me in a therapeutic way and maybe it could help yourself and others in the same way. This can be a good outlet to share your experiences in childhood, doubts, fears or anything that you are struggling/struggled with. Please feel free to do so if you like. *
This accursed bipolar business currently has me in too good a mood to delve farther into the sad, pathetic, lonely tale that is my life. So I ended up skipping most of the things I could've vented about. I would've written more than two JK Rowling's, anyway, hah.
I hope the insight helps you and/or someone else, though!
Much love & Good wishes,
Rach
Then
When I was a little kid, I didn't really think of myself as a boy or a girl. I knew I wasn't like other girls. I didn't play like them, I didn't act like them, I couldn't relate to them. At the same time it never crossed my mind to think of myself as a boy. My mom was a huge feminist, and in terms of gender roles, it was extremely relaxed. I was never told to "act like a girl" (aside from her and my Nan occasionally parading me around in a dress, and bragging about her "beautiful angel" ::) )
But when I was around 9 and puberty happened pretty much overnight, I also felt like my body betrayed me. My mom the feminist she is, couldn't stop talking to me about the joyous wonders f the female body, which only multiplied my gender dysphoria. I fought it hard though, I refused to wear a bra for about two years until I was literally forced to, I tried to hide when I started my period, I even developed an eating disorder in an effort to lose weight off my breasts and hips. That's when I first started to think I might be trans... even if I didn't know that existed. I hated being a girl, daydreamed abut what it be like to be a boy, and thought I was a freak for it. I also had my bipolar onset. I kind of became a basketcase (don't think I ever stopped being one actually :P) I definitely was miserable enough that I would have had to have come out and I probably would've started transition, my mom's freespirited enough. But something happened that screwed me up. My stepdad sexually abused me.
It's weird how that can change your opinion so deep down about who you are, but it confused me so much. I tried to be girly, but it didn't really work out well for me, then when I realized I was attracted to girls, I dodged the trans thing entirely in my head by just saying I was a butch lesbian. I got really close to coming out as trans when I was 16 but I chickened out. Got comfortable with just being an androgynous dyke.
Now
Something happened. I snapped. I literally just could not do it anymore. I couldn't wear clothes that showed my female shape, I couldn't pretend to follow along and pretend to relate to the "girl conversations" I couldn't not bind. I had enough and I reached my breaking point. And now here I am today. I've definitely been to hell and back, wondering even if I'll be allowed to go on T or get surgeries because of my extensive psych history. But I'm living my life as a guy, and that's the one thing nobody else can take away from me
My list of Trans doubts and negativity to overcome
-Fear of being rejected/ridiculed/misunderstood
-My own fears of not being right/what if I really am a girl
-Getting myself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy so I can transition properly
-My body will always look female, T and SRS regardless
-Trying to figure out who I am when I'm not playing a role
-The aspects of my personality that are more feminine/ worrying that I won't be masculine enough compared to bio guys
-How will everyone get used to me being a guy, use the right pronouns, and when I tell them to use my new name