There's this guy I'm into, and he kind of shows an interest back, but he's in an open relationship. We want to get to know each other a bit more but I'm just worried I'm going to get hurt in it all. Do open relationships work? What are your views on them?
Joey
If everyone involved is on board, why not? More to love. :P
I think it's OK if someone wants to do it (as in, I don't think it's morally wrong), but I will be honest, I couldn't do it. I feel like I'm "less evolved" for it sometimes, but I'd feel insecure. Especially since I can't see myself loving more than one person at once. so my partner would be the only one dating other people, likely.
Quote from: Caleb. on January 25, 2013, 06:50:59 PM
Especially since I can't see myself loving more than one person at once. so my partner would be the only one dating other people, likely.
This is what I worry about :/
Joey
I guess in the end it depends. If you think you could get what you need from this relationship, whether you also date others or not, then I say go for it. But if you think you'd end up feeling bad, insecure, for whatever reason, then maybe it's not the way to go. If that's the case, it's better for that to happen now than to face this when you're attached emotionally
I'm in what I guess is a open relationship, I got my girlfriend, but then my girlfriend got two other girlfriends aswell who I'm not directly involved with (we have been flirting abit lately thought.). I got no problem at all, but I can also say that it's not for everyone, if it's a relationship free of jealousy then it's absolutly wonderful. I love my girlfriend, but I also like looking around and flirt with all the nice girls I meet, and as long as I'm open about being in a open relationship from the start if I meet someone new and they are ok with it, there is no problem. Trust, communication and honestly, like in any relationship, is very important.
This!
Quote from: Caleb. on January 25, 2013, 06:50:59 PM
I think it's OK if someone wants to do it, but I will be honest, I couldn't do it. I feel like I'm "less evolved" for it sometimes, but I'd feel insecure.
I talked to my therapist about this and told her that I feel like because I'm monogamous and couldn't be in an open relationship that it somehow makes me "less" evolved or something, because I couldn't be ok with it. I told her that feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, pain, hurt, etc. should be able to be overcome and she totally scoffed at the notion. She's a PhD in psychology and sex stuff (she's a sexologist as well as the psych component, I don't know) and she was saying whatever fits is what fits, that there isn't a higher and lower form of existing when it comes to relationships. She encouraged me to follow my heart and not try to pick everything apart and change basic things about me. She said it was good to think about those things but basically there people who can be in open relationships with no issues and those they can't.
Sometimes people regretfully and begrudgingly agree to be in one and, as Caleb said, they end up being monogamous while the other one has multiple partners. That's not a good match if the monogamous person is quietly enduring pain and hurt while their partner is out with others. That speaks to enmeshment in relationships, which is super unhealthy. I'd say if in your heart you know you are a monogamous person, find another monogamous person and don't let your feelings for this person cloud what you know is true :) Meghan
Thanks for your opinions everyone. Think I'm just gonna leave it. I don't think I'd be able to cope with it in all honesty.
Joey
I am a very monogamous type person. I do understand that when dating, the person you are interested in may be seeing other people. But that does bother me.
And may be that is why I have trouble making friends. It is probably a matter of being ether self-centered or just low self-esteem. I have tried to be friendly, but I guess I just give off a vibe of being to needed.
"...there isn't a higher and lower form of existing when it comes to relationships. She encouraged me to follow my heart and not try to pick everything apart and change basic things about me. She said it was good to think about those things but basically there people who can be in open relationships with no issues and those they can't."
Basically, I agree 100% with Meghan and her therapist. :) I also sort of see it as analogous to orientation - some people are hardwired for monogamy, some for poly, and some have varying degrees of flexibility along a spectrum. Nobody's better or worse than anyone else just because of their personal wiring.
I believe in monogamy as far as my partner goes. I like a relationship where they've just accepted I'm going to run around but wouldn't dare do the same. I've had that before and it's ideal. I must think something of monogamy though because I'd kill a partner who cheated on me. So I guess you could say I'm wired halfway for open relationships.
I would like to be someone who could commit sexually to one person but I just don't know if I have it in me. :'( Maybe I've just been spoiled by too many partners. Plus once you love someone, the sex gets weird. You know what I mean?
Good thread, I was just wondering how I will cope if I fall in love again.
How do you 'dual monogamists' do it?
P.S. If there's a higher 'evolved' form of existing when it comes to relationships, I'm clearly it. :-*
What Meghan said made me feel a lot better. :)
My thoughts
Ok we all know most men think 'multiple women is full of win' and you see it in cases where plural marriage always means the guy gets several women. It's just not that easy.
You never hear of women with several husbands, and that is kinda unfair.
But, until you have had the urge to play, and found out you weren't the number 1 preferred play time partner, you never realize how it can be a bad idea.
My opinion, find ONE person and stick with them exclusively. If you must, have another partner, then make the decision to let the other one go.
Because you do NOT want to have a visit from the jealousy monster. It isn't pretty.
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on January 27, 2013, 08:01:31 PM
You never hear of women with several husbands, and that is kinda unfair.
I know this is off subject but its because what woman in her right mind would want several husbands!
There are women our there with multiple husbands. The media just doesn't cover them. :P
Yeah, I know several women who have more than one husband. :) They've said it's not something that's easy to tell people, especially online - because there's this stereotype that any woman willing to have more than a single partner is a slut, and then she gets harassed by other men who don't understand that "open to more" does NOT mean "willing to date every jerk that comes along."
Plus it is a lot of work; twice as many partners is not twice as much effort as one relationship, it's more like 10X. But that doesn't mean it can't be done, particularly since there are people who say they "just aren't wired for jealousy." However, I do agree that for anyone who finds that jealousy is an issue, poly can be a tremendous strain, and it's not always possible to overcome/work around the jealousy. Again, that's not "less evolved," that's just the way some people fundamentally work.
(Personally, I don't get jealous of affection or sex, but I do get jealous of *time*... so I'm as upset when my wife ignores me for three days to play video games or leaves on a business trip as I would be if she were spending all that time with another person, if that makes sense.)
I was just kidding. ;D But the reason I said it is because most married women I know say their biggest compliant is men don't help around the house and aspect them to do all the work around the house. I didn't intend to put anybody down I was just saying what woman would want all that work.
From someone who knows this subject well in many areas,i will give you some advice.Ill do this in sections so its easier for me to explain.Now many dont understand that once more then 1 woman or man is entered into a relationship,it is not seen as open but poly,because there is either 1) more then one commitment or 2) more then one person sharing the same interest.from what you explained in your post,this is what *open* means,it means that both agree to openly have multi *sex* partners or whatever they need,this does not mean other relationships.So it sounds like to me he is either pulling your leg or there is some mis-communication going on.That aside ill explain from all those aspects.
1) Poly-Commitment with more then one person at once.NOT something to get into if your one seeking a commitment with one person,a jealous type or one who doesnt understand its point.A poly commitment isnt really about sex or anything of the such but more of emotions.It is seen as a family,of course sex does take place if they are seeking children but i dont advice it unless you know yourself well enough to be ok with sharing.
2) Open-same with sharing but your commited to one person with benefits.you both wish to enjoy the pleasures of life while coming home to the one who has their heart.tho this is mainly sexual,it depends on the couple and what they feel they need from someone else other then their partner.again,i would not advice this unless you know yourself well enough.
3) Committed relationship-basicly what it says.two people only,sharing only each other and saying fu** the world and everyone in it.knowing they only need each other and nothing else.This is the best choice for someone seeking love and commitment and nothing else.
In a nut shell,all of them can break a persons heart but the rate is higher when there is more then one person involved.unless you know all party's THAT well,you will always feel ignored,2nd best,love will always get involved and things will always fail.so all i can say is,know the situation,know yourself and them then act on what you want.
Quote from: Heather on January 28, 2013, 09:43:06 AM
I was just kidding. ;D But the reason I said it is because most married women I know say their biggest compliant is men don't help around the house and aspect them to do all the work around the house. I didn't intend to put anybody down I was just saying what woman would want all that work.
I wish my wife helped out around the house more :) I think over all, my wife likely has it pretty good to some extent. There is nothing typically male about me for a lot of reasons I suppose. I do the dishes, clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, do the vacuuming, wash the floors, I do all the general pick up and I go all the way with room cleaning including washing walls and cupboards. I don't do the laundry, not that I can't be dang she has to do something :) My son does his own laundry and cleans his own room. I do the grocery shopping and usually only drag the wife along when I want the extra arms. I tend to do the more logical meals around here and I do a lot of the baking. I manage the finances. But I don't do the laundry :) I have no yard to mow or drive to shovel or basement to clean or garage to tidy.
If not for obvious details during sex, my wife would make an excellent husband :)
plain and simply open relationships are not for anyone who cares about love or feelings like that,
its strictly a business deal kind of, you help eachother do what you need to do, along with that you can have sex with eachother or whoever,
anyone who thinks its anything more then that is just fooling themself
it would come down to if this guy thinks having a relationship with someone he likes/loves or cares about is more importiant then the business deal hes currently in,
theres a good chance it wont work out the way you want it do,
but im not going to say it will or wont,
id personally stay far away from it tho.
good luck with whatever you do, and sorry to be the barer of hard news.
I can handle multiple friends with benefits... But when I'm in a real relationship it's just for two.
It strikes my curiosity, as do polygamy and polyandry. Having two husbands especially sounds awesome, lol