Ok, there have been a few name threads recently but I think this one is sufficiently different to warrant a new topic. In brief: at what stage in your transition did you legally change your name? Also, at what point did you start having others call you by that name (before you changed it legally, for example?).
Background:
At this point I'm in the three months of counseling prior to T. I figure I owe myself that amount of time at least to really try to figure out if physical transition is the course I want to take (so far it's been an unequivocal YES). So I'm kind of in a holding pattern. I look pretty androgynous, and I'm doing my best to present male. HOWEVER, I have quite possibly the girliest name in existence, and I find it's a real source of anxiety. What's the point of trying to look as male as I feel if, in class, the prof. is going to holler out my ridiculous female name, or if every supermarket clerk I encounter will see it when I hand over my card.
I mean, I don't quite pass, but maybe this would help with my confidence a bit? Perhaps I should ask my professors to use the male name I've picked out as a 'nickname'? For what it's worth, the name I've picked is masculine, but there are females who have it occasionally, so it wouldn't be too odd... Or perhaps I should gently suggest to my relatives, spouse, etc that I'd like to be called something else? Or is this another one of those major sources of regret...should I just wait?
I don't know. Thoughts? When did this happen for all of you?
I asked people to call me Caleb as soon as I came out as trans. I had been reading up on T and surgeries for years before I decided to come out so at that point, I was just ready.
I also changed my name legally while pre-T and not passing. It was better for me, personally, because just hearing my old name was a stab in the heart. It was weird when people realized it was a guy's name, but most times people just thought I was a girl named Caleb and didn't think anything of it.
Since this isn't in the ftm section, I assume it ok for me(mtf) to respond to it as well.
I waited til I was ready for fulltime before I changed mine, which was just over two years into hrt. I didn't ask anyone to start calling me by it until I changed it legally, that way I wasn't concerned about changing it later or anything, it was basically set in stone by then.
I'm still in the early stages of transitioning. I've only just made an appointment for a gender therapist, but I know even now I play with names because, like you, I have a super feminine name. I have asked several people, especially professors (and some will even ask), what name you'd prefer. I always sent an email or note and it's never been a problem for most people. The most difficult group of people I had to remind was family. I don't know if they're desperately trying to hold onto the "old me" or what, but they refuse to use anything other than what they've always known me as, my birth name. They will also be the, probably, the most stubborn group to switch from female to male pronouns when it comes around. I will legally change my name around the same time I officially come out to everyone, which will be by the end of the year.
As for what you should do, you need to do what is most comfortable for you. If you prefer a more masculine name and want it to be used now, then go for it. It can make a difference sometimes in perception.
I'm not fully out yet, but when I come out, I'll be asking people to use my male name. I'll probably do that before legally changing it, just to make sure I iron out any kinks first.
As for the old name being on bank cards etc until I get legally recognised as male, I'm not going to worry too much. When paying for stuff, people rarely use the name on the card anyway.
I've been going by my chosen name online and with strangers, when ordering cabs, food, that sort of thing, ever since I started therapy, almost a year ago.
It might be unrealistic of me, but I can't see myself asking people to use my chosen name and male pronouns until I have a grasp on when I'll be able to start hormones. I Might change my mind, though, as I don't have a set time frame for it.
I did it about four months after I started HRT. The price was one of the major reasons I waited ($300). I also felt that a legal name change was a bigger step than HRT--yeah, cause that makes sense. ???
Anyway, I filed in November, and my court day is actually next week. I'm super excited!
Stil haven't got my name legally changed. But in the process of doing it
But have been using my new name at work and in public
When I first took the name Constance/Connie, I wasn't completely out yet. So, people would address me based on my presentation at the time.
I started HRT in June 2011 and started my RLE/went full time in late September 2011. At that point, David ceased to be anything more than a legal designation for me and I had everyone I encountered call me by my chosen name.
That name was made my legal name on 25 January 2013, about two years after choosing it, about 19 months into HRT, and about 1.25 years of full time.
Hmmm, this is all pretty interesting stuff. Thanks for all the answers so far! (Also congrats on the recent legalization of your name, Constance!)
I'm going to ask a follow-up question:
Were you regularly passing when you started having people call you by your chosen name?
Quote from: ford on January 29, 2013, 09:51:57 PM
Hmmm, this is all pretty interesting stuff. Thanks for all the answers so far! (Also congrats on the recent legalization of your name, Constance!)
I'm going to ask a follow-up question:
Were you regularly passing when you started having people call you by your chosen name?
I can't speak for that specifically yet, but I intend to ask to be called by my chosen name first, passing can come later.
Quote from: ford on January 29, 2013, 09:51:57 PM
Hmmm, this is all pretty interesting stuff. Thanks for all the answers so far! (Also congrats on the recent legalization of your name, Constance!)
Thanks!
Quote from: ford on January 29, 2013, 09:51:57 PM
I'm going to ask a follow-up question:
Were you regularly passing when you started having people call you by your chosen name?
Yes and no. I still needed to use makeup to hide my beard shadow and I was using full C-cup breast forms at the time. Being 6 feet tall and nearly 200 pounds (then), I thought that the C-cup boobs gave me a balanced look. I also had been through about 5 months of laser on my face and neck as of January 2011. Without the makeup and breast forms, I didn't have a chance of passing.
My 2-years of laser are done now and there's very little of my beard shadow left. I can often get by without any makeup at all and these days I only use a padded bra. I threw my breast forms away at the end of last August.
I applied for legal name change 6 months after starting HRT but it took another 6 months for the approval. I asked everyone to call me in my new name when I came out to them, one at a time lol. Many started to call me in my new name but some had little bit of a difficult adjusting, but they truly tried. :angel: After a year no one call me by my old name.
I applied for the legal name change just before I went full time and one reason to applying for the name change was I had a hard time passing as a male.
I haven't done the legal name change and will probably hold off on that until I'm ready to go full-time (sometime this year I hope). However, since I made my decision to start transitioning and have started physical changes I've introduced myself to everyone new as Sage. I have an easier time of it though as Sage is an androgynous name and people haven't really thought twice about it (I even get compliments on it).
Unfortunately only one person in my family is addressing me by my new name and even he has a hard time remembering - but he changed his own name (for different reasons) and he's kindly returning the courtesy I've been extending him.
I say start using your new name when you feel its appropriate. Its been over a month for me and its already been feeling natural to use and hear Sage. And it feels disconcerting to hear my old (and very male) name.
Quote from: ford on January 29, 2013, 09:51:57 PM
Were you regularly passing when you started having people call you by your chosen name?
For the most part, I am in girl-mode mostly every day, which means I still am going by female pronouns most of the time. However, I do not wear female clothing, make-up, or the things generally considered female. I'm fairly androgynous in appearance. I do insist by being called by my chosen name, and it's mostly received well and with curiosity. To those who ask, I explain about being FTM, and there is no problem. I've even had a few ask about pronouns.
Quote from: Johe on January 29, 2013, 11:45:10 PM
For the most part, I am in girl-mode mostly every day, which means I still am going by female pronouns most of the time. However, I do not where female clothing, make-up, or the things generally considered female. I'm fairly androgynous in appearance. I do insist by being called by my chosen name, and it's mostly received well and with curiosity. To those who ask, I explain about being FTM, and there is no problem. I've even had a few ask about pronouns.
Wow Johe, from the posts of yours that I've read it sounds like we are in very similar stages of transition.
So the gist I'm getting here is that many of you unofficially changed your names (or asked to be called a chosen name) early on, or around when you came out, and the legal business came later.
Ugh I want to change mine so bad, but I have an irrational fear about 'looking weird' or something - a perhaps-girl running around with a male name. I just need to get over that already. The other issue is that I'm going back and forth with a potential employer about a job prospect. He already knows and has met me as a female, soo. I really need the job so I would probably stay female-ish with them and then start changing things after I'm actually employed. I'm really not sure what to do there actually. Sigh...how confusing. :-\
I haven't done any of the above.I am known by a male name to only a certain circle of friends online but in the open,i have not asked anyone to call me by male pronouns or my given name.I have been officially out for about 6 months now and that fear/disphoria has not kicked in for me yet in alot of ways.the way i like to put it is *i'm a confident person inside and patiently waiting outside* tho i have been finding this really hard lately.it seems a lot of this has started to kick in tho by other means/reasons.Almost like even with the saving,searching for surgeons and everything else,there is a growing need that i don't feel is being met,the name being one of them.
When the police told me to do so...true story ...LOL
It's a little difficult to answer as things get a little gray sometimes during the transition process. I couldn't afford to have my name changed legally until about 2 years ago although I had already finished transition by that time. I know I ended up asking those around me to address me as my female self after I started HRT; to the point where I could no longer hide my breasts.
Quote from: ford on January 30, 2013, 07:58:58 AM
Wow Johe, from the posts of yours that I've read it sounds like we are in very similar stages of transition.
So the gist I'm getting here is that many of you unofficially changed your names (or asked to be called a chosen name) early on, or around when you came out, and the legal business came later.
Ugh I want to change mine so bad, but I have an irrational fear about 'looking weird' or something - a perhaps-girl running around with a male name. I just need to get over that already. The other issue is that I'm going back and forth with a potential employer about a job prospect. He already knows and has met me as a female, soo. I really need the job so I would probably stay female-ish with them and then start changing things after I'm actually employed. I'm really not sure what to do there actually. Sigh...how confusing. :-\
The thing about names is that parents name their kids "outlandish" things all the time, so seeing a female with a male name or vice versa may be a little "exotic" but it's so out of the norm that it is the norm -- does that make sense? The important thing is to have confidence. About your name, your transition, and yourself. It's no easy feat, sure, but imagine how great it'll feel when you are comfortable with who you are.
As for the job, I know I will be doing the same thing soon here. I used my female name, for legal reasons but made a note of what I prefer to be called on the resume/application. When I got a call back or if I knew specifically which company I was applying for, I looked at the work policies and educated myself about their HR department because they will have a part when you do come out. Plus, it may be nice to know you have some sort of support at work than trying to come out on your own. A lot of times this is an education experience for the team too (at least in my small town).
For myself, I feel that the more I know, the more confident I feel. I can spend hours researching a single topic, and it's kind of the way I'm going about my transition. I want to be prepared for whatever may happen, the bad and the good experiences, reactions, and questions. I want to know that I may face the worse of the worse and be able to survive still feeling the need to fight for myself.
Quote from: peky on January 30, 2013, 10:13:46 AM
When the police told me to do so...true story ...LOL
Hahahaha xP please do elaborate.
Quote from: ford on January 30, 2013, 07:58:58 AM
girl running around with a male name
Personally, I think that's hot.
Mine was made legal in 2002. It was when I was living out West and cost me a whopping $70. I was lucky in that aspect as I've heard stories from the State I am in now and you have to have a lawyer to do it here.
I was exploring with various names right before I decided to get a legal name change but I was always going by male pronouns before then. I started going by male pronouns weeks after I left home when I was 18. I moved to NYC with an older woman I met on old AOL chat (I was young, dumb, and well you know the rest) and that was the point where I started to go by male pronouns.
Quote from: ford on January 29, 2013, 09:51:57 PM
I'm going to ask a follow-up question:
Were you regularly passing when you started having people call you by your chosen name?
Well, I would get a job and would put down my completely non legal name on the application at the time. Then once I was hired I would ask to speak with the manager in private and explain that I needed to use my legal name for tax purposes. Places were really good about working with me on a lot of things. They would let me use my "chosen" name on my name tag and use male pronouns. My co workers raised eyebrows more than once or twice. I'm sure people "knew" what I was but it was very rare that anyone would come up to me and ask. People were often very accommodating. I ran across some people who were transphobic but it was few and far between.
I had my name changed a few months ago. I had been going by Walter for....I think a little over a year
I'm pre-T, pass sometimes other times not so much.(especially if I have to talk) Hopefully will start transition within the ball park of a month.
I've been thinking of asking my mom to use the name I want to legally change to, but she is unwilling to use male pronouns when I point out my distaste for 'she' and the like. With how everything is going, I feel like if I push her now not to use my very fem birth name it would become an issue of resentment and anger and my new name would be associated with that, which is what I don't want. Of course when I do get on hormones I'm going down hard on people on pronouns and my name. I am not doing all this to have people make me all dysphoric with one three lettered word because they can't deal.
Currently at work and when meeting other people, I'm going by a shorter version of my birth name which can be used for both guys and gals. Its something but not quite what I want...
This whole name issue is... tricky and difficult. Much like everything else.
I've been going by the name Kelly pretty much since I came out - some people changed pronouns right away, some took some time.. I did the legal name change in August last year..
I started my name online as well.
I always been creative and love to writte and chat with people.
I had an athour name which I also used as a nick name. once I made a story where I based the main character of myself. I do that alot now but back then it where the first time I had made a character so simular to me.
I began to identify with him as I wrotte the story so I got drawn to the name. and as I had people online ask me for my real name I picked and said they could call me that.
I kept it online for a time and then later I got to my friends said that they should call me that name and they did so outside the school (not to get in trouble)
I got it legally changed when I where around 17 or something, I kinda forced my parrents to sign the papers to let me change it as they wasnt found of too much attention and trouble, and I played the card that if they didnt allow me to change it during the break from my last school to my new one, (where nobody would find out of my old name) then I would change it myself, as I turned 18, which would be half in the year of my school and everyone would have a rought time to why I out of sudden should change the name and going by a name half of the year and by another one half the other..
I had been on hormones for three years before I got my name legally changed. It was about 3 months after I went full time.
I plan to do the formal name change in June and I should be on T for a few months. Nobody calls me my given name (except my sister who, you know it's just too hard for her). I go by a nickname and Jay in only a few places now, as I don't pass. I came out using the nickname, and not everyone knows why. I have started getting my name changed in stores I go to, so that they look for me by my chosen name.
--Jay