I've discussed this little paradox in my identity before. Before I realised I'm deeply and fundamentally trans, I considered myself completely asexual. I was very happy and content with that identity since it not only fit perfectly with my extreme disgustment that I feel towards my birth genitals and everything that involves them, it's also very practical indeed. Major lack of all sexual and romantic hassle, which I believe is a major annoyance in many lives.
However, slowly and quite angstily (yes, I know I'm making up adverbs by the dozen. So?) I've done a lot of soul searching and two major things have happened. When I started the process, I thought I'd be completely agender, but I've been sliding more and more to the female spectrum of gender identity. I'm still far from wanting to do a complete transition, but these days I do identify like 75% female. With this, there has emerged an disconcerting new aspect of me and that is sexuality. Annoying, distracting and definitely female sexuality. Directed towards women.
On some level, this does not come as such a major surprise. I've always been oddly drawn by the lesbian subculture and I've been quick to often make lesbian friends, even when I only find out later that they are lesbians. I thought this was simply because there was something about the lesbian cultural aesthetic that corresponded with my preferences. At some point I was even a bit annoyed how many bands, artists and even actors that I liked turned out very lesbian when I looked more into their histories. Apparently there was something more to this after all.
Which brings me to the source of my identity crisis. So I am a lesbian, I don't think I can deny this fact of life anymore. However, I am also pre-everything except breast forms and am actually quite masculine, broad shouldered and all. Also, as I mentioned above, I'm not looking for a complete transition but I am in the active pursuit to get the approval for HRT as soon as possible, which will hopefully happen later this year if all goes well. But still, I am at a bit of a difficult position.
I am an outsider of a culture where I feel I am fundamentally unwelcome in almost every aspect. Also, I possess the incorrect genitalia that not only is incompatible, it disgusts me to no end. It is also very likely that I will never be welcome to the culture and community since I'm not looking to pass as female any more than I look to pass as male, even if some form of SRS might be in my future.
Quite the conundrum. A major source of angst that makes me feel that I'm only now going through the mental puberty I pretty much skipped when it was more age-appropriate.
Dear, any lesbian that wouldn't have ya, is just missing out on a girl with a very realistic strap on eh :)
I am sure you will encounter hostile feminist bi****** too I suppose.
But bias is not limited to the boring vanilla types out there. So don't be surprised if have trouble with some of the lesbian crowd.
Find yourself a good Bi-female and you'll be fine. I've struggled with some of these same issues (not the disgust of the male parts though). It is a challenge when you see yourself one way and everyone else see's you another.
No easy answers.