This was in the latest Parrish magazine.
Little girl, dressed in her best, running to Sunday School. Worried she will be late.
Prays, 'Please God, don't make me be late'.
Suddenly, she trips and falls over. She looks up and says 'Well, there's no need to push!'.
[atheist]I've always enjoyed this joke:[/atheist]
So it's raining really hard. There's a Christian living beside a river and it starts to flood. The sheriff's deputies come by and tell him he should leave before the river cuts off the road.
"The Lord will save me," he tells them.
The river is up to the front porch and the some folks come by in a boat and tell him to hop in and they'll take him to safety.
"The Lord will save me," he tells them.
The water rises above the first floor and the man has to climb on his roof. The National Guard comes by in a boat and begs the man to come with them.
"The Lord will save me," he tells them.
The waters keep rising and the man is clinging to his chimney. A helicopter appears and lowers a rope, but he refuses to go, telling them "The Lord will save me."
Finally he is standing on top of the chimney and the river is still rising.
"Lord," he calls out, "Lord, why have you forsaken me?"
The sky splits open and a HUGE voice booms out... "I sent two boats and a helicopter... What more do you want?"
Quote from: EmSchuma on February 01, 2013, 07:17:30 AM
"Lord," he calls out, "Lord, why have you forsaken me?"
The sky splits open and a HUGE voice booms out... "I sent two boats and a helicopter... What more do you want?"
This!
For Pete's sake, take your kid to the doctor! For that matter, take yourself to the doctor! Put them snakes down! Stop sending in $19.95 for a magic handkerchief!
Sorry Incarnadine, you've lost me there. I'm share you have a good point and I suspect it references another thread, but at it stands, I'm totally confused.
My best guess is that Incarnadine is talking about how some people choose prayer over going to doctors when they are sick?
Sorry - I thought the cultural reference would add to the humor of your joke!
Quote from: EmSchuma on February 01, 2013, 10:28:20 AM
My best guess is that Incarnadine is talking about how some people choose prayer over going to doctors when they are sick?
Yes! And snake-handlers (although those aren't as common any more)! And people who expect a hanky that has been preyed over (misspelled on purpose) by some TV charlatan! My comment was the first thought that entered my mind when I read your joke, Em.
To continue the tasteful humor...
Who was the shortest man in the Bible?
Some think is was Nehemiah (knee-hi-miah)...
Others consider Bildad the Shuhite (shoe-height)...
But then there was Peter who was so small that he slept on his watch (Matt. 26:40).
this protestan priest dies and goes to heaven, and since he has been such a good man Jesus is at the gate waiting for him.
Jesus: "Welcome Ralph, I belive you have met my father <ponts to the father> but I do not belive you have met my mother <points to the Virgin Mary>" >:-) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :angel: :angel:
Kia Ora Jill,
This one just cracks me up – no wonder it was voted one of the best religious bigot jokes...
But I guess one would need to have a healthy sense of humour to appreciate it...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said: "Yes."
I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2005/sep/26/religion.world (http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2005/sep/26/religion.world)
Metta Zenda :)
Zenda, That was funny.
On a slightly similar vein. ie, one which wouldn't be in a Parrish Magazine!
Guy dies and is met at the gates of heaven. Asked what his religion is he says Protestant. 'Come, I will take you to where you will spend all eternity'.
So they walk down the celestial corridor. As they pass a large door, the guy asks what is behind that door. 'That is where the Muslims spend all Eternity my child'. Thinks the man, Oh, they're up here, very nice.
So they walk on and see another large door. 'What is behind that door?' 'That is where the Buddhists spend all eternity'. Hmm, thinks the man, Pleased they are getting a break.
They they pass another door, the man asks again. 'Shhh!' He is told, 'That is where the Catholics spend all eternity'. 'I see says the man, but why are you whispering?' 'They think they're the only ones up here!'.
I believe in reincarnation," [Bjorn] said.
I KNOW, Death replied.
"I tried to live a good life. Does that help?"
THAT'S NOT UP TO ME. Death coughed. OF COURSE,... SINCE YOU BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION... YOU'LL BE BJORN AGAIN.
- From the Discworld book Men at Arms
Quote from: Zenda on February 01, 2013, 11:18:30 PM
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
Ugh...it is unfortunate that it is so funny because it is so true! And I think we Baptists are the worst - hence the reference in the joke!