Cliff notes version:
-Starting at age 5 I inexplicably wanted to transform into a girl and I would daydream about it all of the time
-The thoughts subsided during my elementary school years and I had a normal male childhood, but it came back full force at puberty
-The thoughts turned sexual in nature
-Began cross dressing
-To cope with my desire to transform into a girl, I compartmentalized my transgender feelings into sexual fantasies.
-I've never been able to sexually fantasize about being a man in a relationship with a woman, I've always had to be the woman. This led to immense frustrating trying to "make the pieces fit," trying to force myself into the male role in heterosexual fantasies.
-I realized I had a huge problem at 18 and began therapy
-Psychiatrist has had me on every anti-depressant/anxiety in the book. Right now I'm on 4 (celexa, welbutrin, fanapt, and xanax)
-I've been to seven therapists. The gender therapist I saw for only 5 visits because I ran out of money, he seemed to think I was transgender.
-Depressed out of my mind. Not looking forward to anything in life, no hopes or dreams. Having panic attacks every night.
-At 20 I tried an HRT trial, but I got scared and was uncertain, so I quit after 20 days.
-Now at 21, the feelings feel unbearable being in a male body but having the desires to have a female body.
-Not trying to be crude, but to cope with my feelings, I have to sexually fantasize about being a woman multiple times a day just to get any relief.
-Binge eating to cope with my feelings, currently overweight
-I feel hopeless because these feelings are for life, there's no cure.
-I'm considering trying another HRT trial, but I'm not sure how things will be different this time. I'm not sure how I would know if it was right for me. When I would know in my heart that it was for me.
Advice?
You sound a lot like how I was.
Honestly I chose transition when the feelings became so bad I had to be female or die. Maybe you are at that point, I don't know. I do know for sure that if you want to transition you will find the courage to go through with it because to go back is death. I spent three months getting over my doubts during therapy before even starting HRT.
We all have our breaking point but only you know when that is and how to handle it. I for one am glad i'm doing it now in my 20's rather than 30 years from now with more responsibilities and people I could hurt.
Ultimately it's your decision and path.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:06:02 PM
-I'm considering trying another HRT trial, but I'm not sure how things will be different this time. I'm not sure how I would know if it was right for me. When I would know in my heart that it was for me.
I was on hormones about 5 years ago for around 6 months and got scared and stopped. Now I'm dying to get back on them again and my therapist is telling me I really need to be sure because an endo would be reluctant to keep re-prescribing them when I keep stopping like that. I don't know how true that is, but it kind of put the fear of god into me, like if I have another "I'm cured" moment, I may never get another chance. Haven't had one in awhile, but it doesn't mean it's not possible.
Well, why did you get scared and quit the first time? Answer that, and you can find the solution to your problem.
Quote from: MaidofOrleans on February 01, 2013, 09:30:25 PM
You sound a lot like how I was.
Honestly I chose transition when the feelings became so bad I had to be female or die. Maybe you are at that point, I don't know. I do know for sure that if you want to transition you will find the courage to go through with it because to go back is death. I spent three months getting over my doubts during therapy before even starting HRT.
We all have our breaking point but only you know when that is and how to handle it. I for one am glad i'm doing it now in my 20's rather than 30 years from now with more responsibilities and people I could hurt.
Ultimately it's your decision and path.
It feels like I'm at my breaking point right now. I'm on 4 different anti-depressants/anxieties and I still have major depression and anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of times it feels like I'm in a living death state.
Quote from: DianaP on February 01, 2013, 09:48:58 PM
Well, why did you get scared and quit the first time? Answer that, and you can find the solution to your problem.
Well I knew that the hormones would start to change my body and that I probably shouldn't continue unless I was 100% certain, or else I might have irreversible changes (breast growth). I got scared that I might not be transgender.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:58:32 PM
It feels like I'm at my breaking point right now. I'm on 4 different anti-depressants/anxieties and I still have major depression and anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of times it feels like I'm in a living death state.
All I know is that after a short time on hormones I've dropped all of my anti anxiety and depression meds. However i'm also on the warpath with my dysphoria. In my mind there is no going back and to some extent that gives me happiness. Every change in my body is exciting, there is no fear but exhilaration. Every day I envision a positive future and every roadblock I must face I conquer in my mind a thousand times before I will meet it.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:58:32 PM
It feels like I'm at my breaking point right now. I'm on 4 different anti-depressants/anxieties and I still have major depression and anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of times it feels like I'm in a living death state.
I got scared that I might not be transgender.
Well, those fears are unwarranted. It doesn't take a licensed therapist to see that you have a serious gender issue.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:06:02 PM
-I feel hopeless because these feelings are for life, there's no cure.
-I'm considering trying another HRT trial, but I'm not sure how things will be different this time. I'm not sure how I would know if it was right for me. When I would know in my heart that it was for me.
Advice?
Kia Ora Ultimus ,
Feel the fear and do it anyway...What have you got to lose ? Only your feeling of depression-which if you give HRT time to work into your system, it's quite possible your depression will gradually dissipate...
Many here so I have read, have experienced similar effect 'side effects' once they started HRT...That is, their depression diminished over time...
You have nothing to fear but fear itself...Give HRT time to work its magic....
Metta Zenda :)
So do you all think that I should do another hormone trial and see if it helps with my near-suicidal depression?
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Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 02:48:22 PM
So do you all think that I should do another hormone trial and see if it helps with my near-suicidal depression?
Well you might as well give it a shot if your near suicidal.
I can kinda relate to your story, I was on hrt when I was 18 for like a year then stopped because I didn't want to be a "->-bleeped-<-" and knew that no matter what I did I would never really be female. I did however feel very happy on hrt but I just couldn't couldn't accept the fact that I was a fake woman and not a biological woman. Honestly I still haven't come to terms with that and my dysphoria seems to have gotten worse. I think you should at least try it out but be aware that transitioning isn't a cure it's just a way to ease some of the dysphoria.
Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 03:30:56 PM
Like anti-depressants, you may start feeling more depressed and anxious from HRT for a month or two.
Anyway, what makes you think you aren't really transgender? Like, how does your thought process go?
Well, my fear is that this is just a sexual thing and that I'm not really transgender because I experience arousal imagining myself as a woman.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 03:49:14 PM
I experience arousal imagining myself as a woman.
Well, does your arousal just come from imagining your female self, or is there someone there boning that female version of you? ???
Makes a difference.
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Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 03:49:14 PM
Well, my fear is that this is just a sexual thing and that I'm not really transgender because I experience arousal imagining myself as a woman.
Here this might help
http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm (http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm)
Read down where it explains the different types of transsexuals, you sound like you could fit into group 3 or "G3" type of transsexual. I think at one time these types transsexuals were called autogynephilics.
Quote from: DianaP on February 02, 2013, 03:55:47 PM
Well, does your arousal just come from imagining your female self, or is there someone there boning that female version of you? ???
Makes a difference.
Both. I imagine myself as a female, but then I also imagine myself having sex with men as a female.
Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 04:01:08 PM
Would you want to be gendered as female by people, like strangers at places, and just other general life things? As in, not just dressing up without passing, but wanting to be seen and thought of as one.
That would be fine with me. It's more about finding inner peace for me, and not about what other people think about me.
Quote from: PoisonEnvy on February 02, 2013, 04:10:19 PM
Here this might help
http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm (http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm)
Read down where it explains the different types of transsexuals, you sound like you could fit into group 3 or "G3" type of transsexual. I think at one time these types transsexuals were called autogynephilics.
I have read that horrifying article several times in the past. I am most definitely a G3. It's scary to think how my life might progress as the article suggests if I don't do something.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 04:24:28 PM
Both. I imagine myself as a female, but then I also imagine myself having sex with men as a female.
Well, I don't think that getting turned on by an image of you having sex as yourself makes you non-trans. I for one can't picture myself as a guy in my fantasies because it grosses me out. It would be the same if I imagined I turned into a sea crab or something.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 01, 2013, 09:06:02 PM
-Psychiatrist has had me on every anti-depressant/anxiety in the book. Right now I'm on 4 (celexa, welbutrin, fanapt, and xanax)
-I've been to seven therapists. The gender therapist I saw for only 5 visits because I ran out of money, he seemed to think I was transgender.
The psychiatrist still has his license? Seems to me (but you'll get no confirmation or denial on this from the med community) that anti-depressants don't do anything to help gender dysphoria. I've been on 2 of the 4 (Celexa and Wellbutrin) -- neither really helped, unless you count Celexa sending me into mania as "helping."
Seems to me (as a non-pro, with a strong bias) that you already know the answers to what's behind the depression, and that medicating the symptoms is not likely to do much good, even in quadruplicate.
All I can hope is that some day medicos finally begin to wake up and give up on some of their dismissive theories that make it hard for us to get what we need except by demanding it directly. Hope you can find a way to afford the gender therapist, and use cognitive techniques to manage the depression in the meantime.
Quote from: Ultimus on February 02, 2013, 04:24:28 PM
That would be fine with me. It's more about finding inner peace for me, and not about what other people think about me.
I have read that horrifying article several times in the past. I am most definitely a G3. It's scary to think how my life might progress as the article suggests if I don't do something.
Then it seems you know what you have to do then. ;)
.
.
Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 04:40:56 PM
I think welburtin and xanax are mostly for anxiety and panic disorders. I think panic disorders and anxiety can partly be because of neurological issues, so there might be a need to continue medication.
The other two I haven't heard of before, but for some, anti-depressants do ease on their depression.
Though, if they aren't helping you shouldn't continue to be on them... or if the benefits aren't worth the side effects.
Psychoactive pharmaceuticals can have very different effects in different people. Because it turned out I was not diagnosed as bipolar beforehand -- going manic after a week on Celexa resolved that mystery, apparently, though I had tried fairly hard to raise that as red flag before agreeing to try the Celexa prescription -- for me, Celexa was something that should NEVER have been prescribed.
No one responsible prescribes SSRIs to bipolar people.
I meant to edit my post a bit before you had beaten me to it...
The Wellbutrin was prescribed (in my atypical case) to serve mainly as an anti-depressant, despite its being atypical, and having some odd properties that put it slightly outside the usual classes of such drugs, largely because the MD knew he no longer had the option to prescribe an SSRI, and needed to be super cautious in general about anti-depressant, and we had seen very poor results from Lithium. Depakote was prescribed to do most of what Lithium is usually prescribed for as a mood stabilizer (read: something to prevent whatever it is that leads to mania) because Lithium literally messed me up too much to tolerate, despite trying to give it a chance over several months.
He was very careful not to add more meds than necessary, which is where my comment was coming from... I have a hard time seeing how someone would prescribe multiples of similar drugs on the theory that "maybe another one would work in combo" -- maybe my psychiatrist was just too conservative, though? And perhaps the caution warranted in my case might be unwarranted for others not dealing with my generally odd responsiveness to many drugs, seen over a long time.
Also, in my case they already had clear signs that throwing many different drugs at me in combinations was not a very good idea... when we changed meds, it was a change, not an addition... one would be tapered off, while something different for the same purpose was added.
My central point is, subjectively speaking, that I felt very little positive impact from any of those drugs, while I have a strong intuition the same would not be true for HRT. Granted, only actual testing (and the kind of monitoring that I can't presently afford) will really answer that question, though. Most of the benefits I felt at all seemed to come mainly from cognitive therapy, self-monitoring and so on... I eventually tapered off all those drugs, and have remained stable, though far from euphoric... but euphoria is not something I expect I will feel until (at least) I've managed to find a way to be on HRT, and get adequate monitoring, something I don't feel is financially or socially possible at the present time.
Sorry for the extensive editing, but re-reading what I first posted seemed to indicate there was way too much room for adding further misunderstanding. One more reminder of why it's probably a good idea not to make too much from individual descriptions of prescription histories, since we do each have a unique body chemistry that may not be at all relevant to other?
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Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 05:23:03 PM
Anyway, I don't think transitioning will magically cure all other issues, they'll still need to be worked on separately from transgender things.
Though, that doesn't mean transitioning is useless. I think for it to be possible to work on some issues you'll need motivation/reason and feel a bit more comfortable with yourself, and that transitioning could help you with.
I hope I wasn't implying that. Certainly did not mean to say that. BUT, finding some measure of congruency, and then coping with the fact of life that nothing is ever completely ideal, ought to have more of an impact on my particular depression, since in general I've tended to be a pretty positive person about most things. It's only when the problems of being assumed male have come into play that things began to pile up for me, and when I have found places and spaces where I can be open about my identity and find at least some measure of acceptance, that level of depression and anxiety that goes with that bind has had a tendency to dissipate tremendously. I wish we lived in a culture where that could actually be accomplished socially
without added drugs, hormones and surgery (and perhaps to some degree it can, and all, I think, perhaps because I do have a history of bad reactions to relatively light dosages of other drugs I'm very concerned about HRT if I'm in a situation where I can't be sure that it's being well monitored and responsibly managed).
Sorry that got a bit convoluted... clearly I'm still in conflict about some of that... In simplest terms, though, it does seem to me that the changes I've heard of from many, many others who have gone through HRT are something that I'd expect to respond to positively. (When I heard about how Alan Turing was judicially coerced to be dosed with estrogen, my main response was jealousy (also awareness that this was something that pretty clearly was a difference between how I understand myself, and how he saw himself, one that doesn't seem to get very much attention from those who've been throwing their theories at the wall for decades and decades).
Quote from: Elspeth on February 02, 2013, 08:47:12 PM
Elspeth, is your name a reference to the MtG character Elspeth, or is that a coincidence?
Quote from: Ultimus on February 03, 2013, 06:37:02 PM
Elspeth, is your name a reference to the MtG character Elspeth, or is that a coincidence?
Since "MtG" doesn't ring a bell for me, I guess not. It's a kind of sideways reference to one of my ancestresses, though she didn't use the name in this particular form. I've forgotten now where I came across this form of the name, in fact.
(Okay... I should have Googled -- I'm a bit too old for Magic: the Gathering to have had much of an impact on me, except through my children.)
Honey,I totally relate to what your going through.I just read that article and (disturbing as it is)type 3 is me too.I'm twice your age and have been going through all the same stuff as you my whole life,it really stinks.About 3 months ago something snapped in my head and I just said "f**k it,I'm a girl".The world didn't end,it got way better.All my anxiety, depression and anger levels are way down,it's like a crushing weight has been lifted off my shoulders.I'm starting to realise that my emotional problems aren't coming from my head,they stem from the fact that my head's on the wrong body.
That article was a real eye opener for me.I've been feeling a bit like I don't fit in here because my experiences are a little different from the other girls and doubting if I really am t-g.Now I know I am,I just have a few extra issues to deal with.I really hope it helps to know your not the only one like this.
Thanks for all of the support! It gave me the courage to do something today... today I got my prescription refilled for HRT. This time I am prepared to face my fears that limited me in the past. Hopefully life will start to get better for me. It certainly can't get any worse!