I've been with my partner for over two years now, and have learned a lot from it. I had a longterm relationship with someone else which eventually degraded and fell apart, with the other person deciding to literally ditch me in another state, and who then freaked out when I came back to find her with someone else. I've since reconciled my differences with this person, and we are now better friends than we ever were when we were together.
My current relationship hasn't been without its traumas, things like, "you can't give birth, so you'll never be a woman" etc.
Learning to communicate properly is of the utmost importance to me. Learning to see through hurtful words to the fear and insecurity beneath them helps. If you understand where it's coming from, you can respond in less hurtful ways, and a potential argument can be a discussion which draws two people closer, rather than pushing them apart.
It's sometimes difficult for a hetero ciswoman to understand anything at all about a transwoman's motivations; some of the ciswomen I've known have respected me in every area of my life except for this one, and the only way to open their eyes at all is to get them to look at where their assumptions are coming from.
I've been told things like, "you all just want the benefits women get, and you'll never have cramps or anything, and that's not fair." Or, "you can't understand what it's like to be a woman, you're just fantasizing and you'll never know for real, so stop it already!"
My own mother told me I was a sicko. She used that word. Now she can't figure out why, after disowning me and declaring me a disgrace to the whole family, I won't let her be the good guy and take it all back. I've already made my peace with my situation, and she can just make peace with hers. If I can live with my decisions, my family can live with theirs. The inner strength I've gotten from being on my own with no support from family has given me the confidence to live and find my happiness and although I respect my friends and clients enough not to shock them by suddenly going fulltime, I will never back down from being who I am.
In the past week I've managed to reconcile many differences between myself and my current SO. I got her to talk about not only her feelings, but why she has those feelings, and it all comes down to insecurity and fear. Fear that one of her favorite parts of my body will be taken away, fear that I'll be more of a woman than she is, fear that I'll leave her for some guy, etc.
I'm fairly certain that I'll never have the opportunity to transition. I've all but accepted it, and am determined to be happy anyway. Knowing now that I have the support and continued love and understanding of someone who even a month ago was afraid of and put off by my most heartfelt dreams and wishes really helps. She's even admitted she'd like me with boobies.
My previous relationship was with a woman who all but identified as male. She expected to be given a man's respect, yet expected me to be the man any time a man was called for. Heavy lifting? I had to do it. Protecting her? I had to do it. Working two jobs to support her while she played online games all day? I had to do it. My current relationship is better in so many ways. I'm treated as, if not exactly equal, someone whose feelings matter and can be shown at any time without being ashamed, someone worthy of respect, someone who gives the same consideration I'm given. It's taken a lot of heated discussion, a lot of refusing to budge on the important issues, and a lot of compromise on issues that I was just being stubborn about.
If you have a significant other who is transgender, please, try to be understanding. When you ask questions that could be taken as interrogation or fodder for value judgements, try to be clear about your desire to understand and be a good partner. And if you're transgender and living with a cis partner, try to understand that all of this can be very confusing and mysterious to someone who isn't experiencing the same things you are. it's confusing enough having the wrong body, so imagine what it's like being with someone who has the wrong body.
Thanks for reading, and feel free to add to this!
I'm really glad thing are working out for you this time. Best of luck! Also I just wanted to add, a SO can go from fear, to joy, to feeling like there's nothing they can do to help and back again in a matter of minutes. Just like for you we are going through big changes too. Try to be understand with us and we or at least I will do the same.
It's awesome that you have the kind of relationship that you can be open with each other. Lightning is right and all emotions, feelings needs and wants can change from both sides all the time but as long as there is open communication and the ability to compromise on aspects from time to time you are half way there.
Good luck to you in your present relationship and never say never when it comes to transitioning or not or really to anything and remember we are all going through this together and we are not alone.
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