I pick at myself for everything. I constantly complain about my height (which is 5'7), my small wrists, my strength, and stuff like that. My girlfriend is plain out tired of hearing me whine every day about every little thing, but I just can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just ungrateful for everything I already have, which many other FTMs really wish they could have.
For example, I have no need to bind at all. I used to have to wear a sports bra under my clothes to flatten my chest a bit before T (3 months ago) but now I don't at all. I put a normal tanktop/undershirt on to slightly flatten out my nipples so they won't look pointy-ish under my clothes, or I could just wear a tanktop by itself and people wouldn't even look twice; saying I have a nearly flat chest. Yet, I hate it, because I'm jealous of men who have entirely flat chests and smaller nipples than I do (and I have SLIGHTLY bigger ones than men do).
My bones are small, yet, before T I could grow more muscle than an average girl at my age. I could bench 135lb as a 17 year old female, BUT, to me, that's way too little, because I know guys tend to be much stronger at that age.
I hate my height, which is 5'7. I try to cover it up somehow, and seem taller, because almost all guys I'm friends with are 6 feet and over.
I have a muscular frame, yet I despise the fat on my thighs and on my hips. I can't bear to look at myself naked in the mirror, because of those "extra features". If I had an entirely male body, that wouldn't even matter to me. I'd be considered having a nice athletic figure at nearly 160lb.
I learned about T and the possibilities of me becoming an actual male, and after about 1-2 months, I was on it. It just played out perfectly. I mean, I must have incredible luck. But at the same time, I feel like I lack in everything. Isn't it normal to feel that way? I never compare myself to other FTMs; I compare myself to cis-males of course, so you see where I'm coming from, huh? I'm below average in almost everything for a male, yet, if I was to remain a female, I'd be above average in height, muscle, size, everything, to the point where it wouldn't be so attractive.
You guys know where I'm coming from? So I have a right to be angered at myself when comparing myself to other men. My girlfriend keeps saying that other FTMs wish they could have some of what you have, but, it only makes sense that I compare myself to other cismen.
Quote from: BearGuy on February 04, 2013, 09:48:33 PM
I pick at myself for everything. I constantly complain about my height (which is 5'7), my small wrists, my strength, and stuff like that. My girlfriend is plain out tired of hearing me whine every day about every little thing, but I just can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just ungrateful for everything I already have, which many other FTMs really wish they could have.
For example, I have no need to bind at all. I used to have to wear a sports bra under my clothes to flatten my chest a bit before T (3 months ago) but now I don't at all. I put a normal tanktop/undershirt on to slightly flatten out my nipples so they won't look pointy-ish under my clothes, or I could just wear a tanktop by itself and people wouldn't even look twice; saying I have a nearly flat chest. Yet, I hate it, because I'm jealous of men who have entirely flat chests and smaller nipples than I do (and I have SLIGHTLY bigger ones than men do).
My bones are small, yet, before T I could grow more muscle than an average girl at my age. I could bench 135lb as a 17 year old female, BUT, to me, that's way too little, because I know guys tend to be much stronger at that age.
I hate my height, which is 5'7. I try to cover it up somehow, and seem taller, because almost all guys I'm friends with are 6 feet and over.
I have a muscular frame, yet I despise the fat on my thighs and on my hips. I can't bear to look at myself naked in the mirror, because of those "extra features". If I had an entirely male body, that wouldn't even matter to me. I'd be considered having a nice athletic figure at nearly 160lb.
I learned about T and the possibilities of me becoming an actual male, and after about 1-2 months, I was on it. It just played out perfectly. I mean, I must have incredible luck. But at the same time, I feel like I lack in everything. Isn't it normal to feel that way? I never compare myself to other FTMs; I compare myself to cis-males of course, so you see where I'm coming from, huh? I'm below average in almost everything for a male, yet, if I was to remain a female, I'd be above average in height, muscle, size, everything, to the point where it wouldn't be so attractive.
You guys know where I'm coming from? So I have a right to be angered at myself when comparing myself to other men. My girlfriend keeps saying that other FTMs wish they could have some of what you have, but, it only makes sense that I compare myself to other cismen.
Stop bragging :P
Trust me, it's just the dysphoria; it makes everything opposite of how it really is.
Allow me to tell you about my experiences in my life as far as the same thing goes.i have lived with p.c.o.s since puberty and this blocked my E and caused T to basiclly take over.I have always had a male build,in high school i was also well in my gym class and pressed alot of weight.my main strength was legs tho and pressed well over 150.My wrists tho strong,were always odd off/weak with certain ways of movement.I had got drunk one night and put a very large dent into the back trunk of my friends car,this was an old car btw and was NOT fiber glass.So for me,done right yes i have the strength behind me.the mass was always there,i didnt have to build it.but i guess it needed,whats the word? shaped? but this felt alot of bad feelings physically.I was in a female body and it made me feel sick,i didnt feel right and even ill.Until T was started i began to feel perfect,not physically ill or sick.Like i was me.I am 5'9 and my height has never been an issue,if not even worked out for me.I have always had alittle *extra* on my body but with T that all shifted,the thighs trimmed,the belly dropped,the shoulders and legs became more toned.So now i can *shape* those things.I feel that *in my opinion* it may be a slight form of disphoria,but for me,i never had that.i still dont have that as far as compareing myself to other men because just like every human being,we are special because we are different.Of course,i have things i want to see for my OWN body but i dont take other men into account when thinking on this.To me,when is all said and done,i am ME-and that is enough for me.Ok dont get me wrong,i do have disphoria about other things but not this.I spent most my life trying to find me,suffering through alot of negative things and i finally found myself.my disphoria is over other things i wont go into here.
Dysphoria and depression have that effect.
I empathize with you on the tissue and fat around the hips, thighs, etc, I have way too much of it even when I lose weight, I think my hip bones are just quite large. I'm very envious, jealous even, that you have a height of 5'7", I'm sitting at just 5' tall, and also the chest, mine isn't huge but it also isn't really small and is definitely noticeable sometimes even in baggy clothes.
I think it's the dysphoria, but I also don't know how someone could appreciate themselves so little and still expect to have a successful relationship with someone else.
I understand where you're coming from. I don't compare myself to other transmen except for estimated time when T is supposed to change this, that, or the other. I compare myself to cis males because that is what I am striving for. They have the attributes I want.
I will say that you suck when it comes to having an almost flat chest pre op, lol. Seriously, good for you. I'm sure it makes life a lot easier. I think almost everyone has something pre T that is either a androgynous or male trait. I just try to be appreciative of what I do have instead of whining about what I don't have. Most people aren't 100% content with their bodies and I'm no different.
I completely understand about not being happy with your body, even if you'd be considered to have a masculine female form. I think it's perfectly normal, and to an extent, healthy to have feelings of jealousy, discontent, etc. we can't all be happy all the time and shouldn't force it.
Quote from: BearGuy on February 04, 2013, 09:48:33 PM
My girlfriend is plain out tired of hearing me whine every day about every little thing, but I just can't help it.
As others have mentioned, it could strain your relationships to whine too much to others. I kind of see emotions as being like a muscle, you need to exercise them to have full control. There's lots of little things you can do to better control how you feel (most of which you need to figure out for yourself), and the more you practice, the better you'll feel and the happier your gf will be.
Some people probably do think that you should just man up and be grateful for what you have, but in some respects I think it would be harder to already have a pretty masculine form than if you were to have a more female one. Sure, you don't have to bind and have the pain that goes along with that -- I only bind myself when I really feel the need to, I can pass without, especially if I'm wearing a hoodie or jacket -- but you're so close, but still in a body that isn't right.
I also judge myself by cismale standards, because I feel that I have to be better than them at everything to be taken seriously as a male. Of course, I'm not out yet so I think that is partially why I judge myself so harshly, because if I want to be thought of as 'one of the guys' I have to make them notice that I am just as good as them.
I think this is less of a case of "You're just being a douche" and more of a case of "dysphoria is real and it's painful no matter how lucky in comparison to some trans guys you are".
As for your relationship, yeah she's probably going to be getting a little annoyed, but it just sounds like she's wanting to cheer you up and realise that things could be a lot worse. I'm guilty of saying stuff like that to my girlfriend when she's feeling down, it's just human nature, we want to do what we can to make the people we care about happy, and sometimes it doesn't always go as planned. I know that better than anyone, I told my ex to travel 500 miles to come and see me and said that I would run away with them just to give them something to hope for and to keep them alive.
We've all got to work to appreciate what we do have, and even though we might not necessarily be happy with what we have we can get to a point where we can tolerate it enough to get us through to when we can fix it properly.
Dysphoria aside, I think in general it is important not to be comparing ourselves to others so much. There will always be someone who is better or worse off in some way, richer or poorer, taller or shorter, etc.
Thinking like that, and thinking about that, doesn't really get you anywhere IMO. It's not going to bring one peace of mind. It's just a mental run around.
All you can do is compare yourself to you. Do you feel better than yesterday? Are you being the best "YOU" you can be? Are you working on your goals and moving forward in your life? 'Cause that's really all you can do. Anything else, and you'll just drive yourself crazy.
That's how I try to think, anyway. And just being grateful for all we have. (Notice I say TRY! ;) )