I go to an lgbt youth group and for the past month I've been introducing myself as Joey and presenting as male. It was all going well and I know people who knew me before were bound to slip up with pronouns and my name. Tonight we had some visitors come in and I introduced myself as Joey, everyone referred to me as 'he' and Joey, yet this visitor kept calling me she. She never even knew me as a girl so why should she make that mistake when she's only ever known me as a guy, and I clearly am known as a guy there now. I didn't have the heart to correct her and face the embarrassment of explaining myself in front of everyone, I just feel a bit hurt because it's specifically an lgbt group so you would think that they would recognize me as a guy. Anyway, rant over, just needed to share.
Joey
Joey, I wouldn't take her mis-pronouning personally. She obviously has some personal issues and you were just an easy target. Remember that those of us that fall under the LGBT umbrella often come to these groups with scars from our past that affect they way we behave in the present.
It really doesn't sound like anything you should be concerned about. But if it IS bothering you that much then pull her aside and talk to her next time you see her.
Big Hugggs Joey
Hi there Joey, when I first transitioned I know a lot of people slipped up with pronouns. It happens. It was probably not intentional. Most people apologize immediately if you correct them. You just have to learn to grow a thick skin and a few porcupine quills too. It gets better with time.
Even after I seemed to pass 100%, I had one or two people who seemed to mistake me for a girl use feminine pronouns. Oddly, they were both older black ladies I worked with. No one else ever misgendered me. I'm wondering what it is about older black ladies. lol
I think some people just pick up latent cues others don't for some reason.
Sorry you feel so hurt; I know only too well how painful it is to be misgendered.
<Devil's Advocate>
Is it possible that she misgendered you because you were in an LGBT space? You might find that she is used to finding butch-looking lesbians in such a space, and she merely misinterpreted you as such. She was probably trying to be sensitive, knowing how deeply offended some butch lesbians might be if they were called by male pronouns. Not everybody is aware that FtMs exist. She may also not be particularly observant. But it's unlikely that she actively meant to hurt your feelings.
</Devil's Advocate>
Wherever possible, I try to use humour when this happens to me. I look shocked, laugh, and then say something like: "'She'? That's hilarious. I know it looks confusing, but I'm a guy, my name is (name)... it just so happens that I look a bit girly." At that point, they usually get embarrassed & apologise. Which is better than me sitting there stewing, IMHO. It's none of their business why I look or sound a bit girly, but if asked I always say I have a hormonal problem for which I'm being treated. If that doesn't shut them up, I say I'm a bit self-conscious of my hormonal problem and I don't like talking about it.
Of course, if this happens again in an LGBT space you could always act the part of the educator and say something like: "Actually, I'm a female-to-male transgendered person. I still look a bit girly because I'm in the process of getting treatment, but I identify as male and it is disrespectful to call me by female pronouns.".
If it happens repeatedly in the same group you could consider having a quiet word with the group leader. Let them know that they have an FtM in their midst and that any visitors need to be mindful and respectful of this fact.
While this may sound cynical, I've learned the hard way that just because we're all under the LGBT umbrella together doesn't mean that we trans-identified people get the same amount of respect we give the lesbians, gays, and bisexuals (though bisexuals seem to be more understanding because they are also marginalized by the other two a lot), whom we reasonably consider brothers and sisters in the same struggle for acceptance, understanding, and equality. Not all of them, but there's a large number out there that's just big enough to be worrisome.
I'm a member of several LGBT (LGBT News, Wipe Out Homophobia, etc.)groups on Facebook, and whenever there is a pro-trans-man/trans-woman post some of the members turn very transphobic. They turn around and bully the trans-identified and their supporters and say horrible things to them. It's the weirdest thing. You'd think a group of people familiar with ignorant, unfounded hate wouldn't be so quick to turn around and hate on others struggling just as they are. But they do. It's irony; they demand an end to homophobia and want people to accept them and understand them, yet they behave towards the trans-community the same way homophobes behave towards them.
Even my own lesbian aunt, whom I've always supported without question or judgement, looks down on me for being a transman and refuses to discuss it with me or even acknowledge it. She thinks because she never saw it before (because you know, the whole time I was a teenager and young adult dressing like a male and acting like one didn't give it away), that it's not true.
So, who knows. Maybe this person made a mistake, or maybe they were being transphobic. Either way, if you're in an LGBT center, odds are you have more allies than not present, so don't feel like you can't just say, "Excuse me, I am a man. Please use the proper pronouns. Thank you," if someone tries it again there. Happy trails, and I hope all goes well.
Thank you all for your views on this. I don't think she did it to be deliberately hurtful. I can understand people who knew me as a girl slipping up and saying 'she' but not somebody who only knows me as a guy. I think I just got a bit over sensitive on the subject but if it happens again I think I'll just have the balls to stand up for myself and say I'd prefer to be called 'he'.
Joey
Sadly a lot of times the T is silent.
--Jay
Quote from: aleon515 on February 06, 2013, 10:31:01 PM
Sadly a lot of times the T is silent.
--Jay
Well put. And it can also negate the other letters. As soon as you reveal you're trans, the fact that you're gay is dismissed: "Oh so you're a transman
and gay? Well you're not really gay then, are you?". Ugh.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 07, 2013, 06:20:30 AM
Well put. And it can also negate the other letters. As soon as you reveal you're trans, the fact that you're gay is dismissed: "Oh so you're a transman and gay? Well you're not really gay then, are you?". Ugh.
I know what you mean. I go to a FTM support group Friday nights, and one of the first questions they ask newcomers is, "How long before you came out as trans did you identify as a lesbian?" It seems a limiting question, like transmen are expected to be in a hetero relationship after the transition and aren't bi or gay. I myself am a gay transman and never identified as a lesbian, and it surprises a lot of folks when they realize that the T can be grouped with any of the other letters.
Gene raises a LOT of very interesting comments.
We need to remember, that ANY group of humanity can seriously let you down without warning.
I'm a wargamer, and yet thanks to wargamers, I despise my age group all thanks to a handful of them that make me loathe being one of them (age group). I frequently list myself as 19 on the internet because of this.
I've encountered people in our slice of society that I have nothing polite to say to. It can indeed happen.
Some groups simply make you scratch your head. I for instance think it is just simply weird for people that are clearly part of the LGBT grouping to want to be actively religious when you consider how some many religions have such hostile behaviour towards us right out of their dogma.
It's as illogical as being devoted to something like the KKK and yet being black.
I am so clearly in a male body, and yet I am in my mind, 100% female, I just don't get to be one in a female body. Now if I were to encounter say a lesbian in a female body, that was all about rejecting me for being too male for her liking and her dedicated to treating me as male regardless of how 'I' see myself, well that would just be her prejudices speaking and we all have prejudices in the end. I would likely not wish to be her friend, and if she heaped hate on me, I'd likely just give it back as good as she was doing it to me.
My friends are a mix from a very diverse range of persons.