So here I am at 44. I finally worked up the courage to see a gender therapist. After years of hoping my gender dysphonia would go away, I decided I was going to deal with it. It was more than just a passing thought. It was very real, and it was not going away. I called it many things to myself. A fetish. Cross-dressing. Even ->-bleeped-<-. Going in I had one criteria - total honesty.
After only 3 sessions I told my therapist my entire story. Feeling like I was female since 5. Fighting this my whole life, and my desire to be a woman. All the labels I tried to put on myself were nothing more than denial. She used the word – textbook. So I am Transgendered. To what extent I don't know yet. All I know is that becoming female is something that I have always wanted. And if I am completely honest with myself, it's something I desire more than anything else I can think of.
I know these feelings don't go away. I have 44 years of proof of that.
So instead of trying to push it down, or ignore it, or hide it, I have decided that this is who I am, and I owe it to myself to explore it.
I've been reading about transgender stuff for years and years. I consider myself to be somewhat knowledgeable on what it means, and where I fall in the spectrum.
Mine is not about dressing the part, or some fetish. It is a real desire to be female. It stems from early childhood to now.
So comes the question of actually transitioning. This both scares and excites me.
Slow is what I keep coming back to.
My therapist wants to see me a few more times before I start on hormones, and I fully agree. (part of me wants to start yesterday)
So under her supervision, and that of an endocrinologist, she recommends a very low dose of Spiro and a very low dose of estrogen for the first 40 days.
I understand the risks and effects of anti-androgens and estrogens.
What I'm hoping to accomplish initially, is to see what life would be like without Testosterone. Having been depressed so many times for so long, I can't help but wonder if this would help.
I also understand that this will have some feminizing effects. To what extent again, and how quickly these happen remains a bit of a mystery.
My girl side is hoping the effects will happen, and I can finally be free. Just the thought of even having minor breasts and a more feminine bottom send me through the roof.
My boy side however is scared of what people will think. How soon will people notice? How long do I have to hide them?
I guess my biggest question is will low dose do anything to me at all?
In 2009 I had a vasectomy, so infertility is not a question for me.
I'm divorced so I don't need to explain this to a spouse.
I'm not coming out to the whole world yet, but I think this will really help me see what I want.
I'm fine talking about this more, but this is something I think I need to do for me.
I can tell you this, the female voice inside is now much much louder than the male.
But I'm wondering about other people's experiences with low dose "starter" therapy and it's initial effects.
To be honest, I want the changes to be permanent. My other fear is that there will be no changes at all.
Well without knowing how low of a dose (and you can't post dosages here) it would be hard to tell. All I can say is that I'm about your age on a standard dose of both and it had an almost immediate calming effect. You should like what happens, if not then they will probably up your dose. Best of luck!
Since my 20's I've been on-off low dose HRT several times as a sort of brain reset. It helped a lot to get me over the major bout with the dsphoria. Which is the main reason for low dose HRT. My primary drive was always to be "normal". The pattern always went I started to feel better about myself, which a few months later followed by things down below not working as well as they should. A major conflict with "Normal". Since I knew from twice experimenting with transition no way could I, no mater what, the HRT had to be stopped.
Depending on how low low is it can take many months if ever to notice any major physical changes. Low dose 30+ years ago is practically full plus these days it seems.
Hi Samantha, your story is so close to my own it's scarry. I'm just a few years older than you and I just started 16 days ago on a very low dose myself. The thing I notice is that they did calm me down a lot. I am at peace with myself. I find myself happy and content.
Best of luck to you on this journey
Hugs
Bethany
I'm getting my letter on Friday from my gender therapist. So I guess I will now actually get to see for myself what changes hormones will bring. Will I love them? Will my gender dysphoria go on over drive? Will it be calmed? Excited. Scared. Excited again
Great! I bet you'll love them. Keep us posted!
Now that I'm just about 4 weeks into low dose HRT. I can see small physical changes. I had moobs to start with but they are taking on a feminine look to them, also my nipples are begin to change they poke out a lot more. Plus my breasts are sensitive now.
Welcome to female puberty -hugs- :-D
Hi Samantha,
I've been on low dose E & Spiro for almost a year. I'll be putting up an update in a few weeks. Changes have occurred, a friend noticed that I look thinner in the face recently. AA moobs, and trousers are tigher around the hip area.
HRT has done what I had hoped it would, and has mitigated the worst of my dysphoria - I'm quite happy where I'm at and not wanting to transition.
The fact that you're taking your time and adding things slowly will help you sort out your feelings and work out exactly where you want to be in a few years.
Many have been asking what I meant. It's simple, the physical changes are easy to see, but as I approach my start day, I want to know what's gonna happen in my mind. I'm hoping to take transition slow, smart and wisely. Will hormones feel so wonderful, that slow goes right out the window?
Quote from: Samantha L on February 19, 2013, 09:36:51 AM
Many have been asking what I meant. It's simple, the physical changes are easy to see, but as I approach my start day, I want to know what's gonna happen in my mind. I'm hoping to take transition slow, smart and wisely. Will hormones feel so wonderful, that slow goes right out the window?
First congratulations on getting the letter. :)
You will soon know how to deal with the good things that happen from E, and continuing on your chosen path depends on how honest you were about your life. Someone once said "You have to be blazingly honest with yourself. More truthful than ever, and more in control of the decisions about hormones than anything in your life." With that honesty everything you do is easier. So even if the hormones are too wonderful you'll still know what to do with your life.
What I did really doesn't matter, but I didn't start out as honest as necessary. Then after living in a split male/female role on low dose E for several months I completely broke down and had to take that "blazingly honest" look at myself. And with that I freely gave up all intentions to have a dual life, accepted what was going to happen to me and my relationships, and moved on to transition. Now even with all the marital issues and distant relative problems I'd never turn back.
Kathy
Kathy B, that makes me smile.
In the spirit of honesty, I have this wired feeling like there's nothing really left for me here as a man. The air is stale. I can't picture things getting much better or worse. I think that's a pretty good sign that something drastically needs to change. I'm not depressed at all, but I am not remotely happy either. It's just sort of grey. And all things being equal, I'd rather have a chance at smiling with the sun on my face again. That's what I mean when I tell people " I have to know."
I guess my biggest question is will low dose do anything to me at all?
Low doses of estrogen will have an effect, but you will need to keep your testosterone in check with adequate testosterone blockers. We aren't allowed to talk about dosages on here. Your therapist sounds smart and very responsible encouraging you to take low doses of hormones / anti-androgens. I know of one trans person your age who was encouraged by another trans person in her fifties online to take hormones ordering them from the black market and self-medicating, saying that hrt is 'a piece of cake'. I was privy to the online chat conversation, and was quite horrified by it, and later told her in private not to listen to our friend. Obviously she ignored my advice, because a month later I heard that the woman in her forties had to visit the emergency dept due to heart palpitations. I discovered that the dosages she was taking of spiro were quite high (not ridiculously so, but high for a person just starting), and that she wasn't monitoring her diet, and had failed to limit potassium-rich foods. Especially with spiro, it's important to start low, and slowly taper up.
It will take longer, but I think hormones are like running a marathon. Normal doses are like running / joggin, low doses are like walking. Overly high doses are like sprinting, and you will eventually burn-out. Average doses are like running at a steady pace, and chances are you'll reach the finish line. Walking will get you to the finish line, but at a much slower pace, than the already very long time it takes to run the marathon. God I can't believe I'm using sporting analogies!
But I'm wondering about other people's experiences with low dose "starter" therapy and it's initial effects.
I started on low dose estrofem and low dose spiro, probably similar to your regimen. In the first week I had extreme nipple pain, and one of my nipples started to bleed, which lasted for a couple of weeks. I don't know if this is typical or not. A month later I tapered up, and a month after that went to a full dose of both meds. I experienced no physical problems, although I was often paranoid about my health and heart, DVT etc. because it was all very new to me, and whenever my heart would beat too fast, I'd wonder if I was having physical issues from hrt. That was just my paranoia though. I started when I was 30 though, so still young and healthy. At 44 you have greater risks. I'm not calling you old or anything, I think 44 is still quite young in the scheme of things actually, but the biological fact is that you are more at risk to negative effects of any type of medication at that age.
I'm in my 4th year of hrt, and I don't expect much more to change. Most of my changes happened in the first three years, with the biggest changes in body shape showing in year three when I started to eat more. Diet and health has a lot to do with the changes you experience. My skin completely changed within the first six-months. I developed that glossy, soft appearance on my face, and the skin on my body became much softer. In year 2 I started to lactate intermittently, and after year 3 lactation became a daily thing. This is because I have prolactin levels that are in the high, but still safe range.
To be honest, I want the changes to be permanent. My other fear is that there will be no changes at all.
There WILL be changes. They may not be what you hope for, or they may be more than you hope for. It all depends on what you want. If you are happy having small breasts, and a more feminine bum, then this is a very realistic expectation. Spend long enough on hrt, and the effects will be permanent. Breast growth will not go away if you stop hrt. Your skin will become softer, and your fat may redistribute to more feminine areas, if you are lucky.
My boy side however is scared of what people will think. How soon will people notice? How long do I have to hide them?
Yes, many of us worry about that. Sometimes I have to mentally prepare myself to go out, because although I go out as male, people will gender me as male or female. It's very strange to have a man open a door for you smiling, somebody else will say 'is that really your name?' when they ask me for my male id, and then somebody else will talk to you like you're a boy saying 'hey dude, can i help you?'. As somebody else on here told me, a lot of it's about presentation though. I think if you want to hide the effects, you will be able to. Most people who know you may or may not really notice, because they will see what they want to see. Strangers may or may not notice. Ultimately what others think doesn't matter, but of course, we all have that desire to have people approve of us and love us.
Now What????
Wait and see what happens! Keep seeing your therapist. Monitor your health. Go out and live your life, enjoy the good, and try your best to cope with the bad. Your emotions will be magnified on hrt, and the bad may get worse, and the good may be even better than you've ever experienced on testosterone. Sometimes that can be overwhelming, and if you're like me, you may find them downright depressing, but at other times it can be wonderful.
Quote from: kathy b on February 19, 2013, 11:12:20 AM
What I did really doesn't matter, but I didn't start out as honest as necessary. Then after living in a split male/female role on low dose E for several months I completely broke down and had to take that "blazingly honest" look at myself.
Kathy
We all like to lie a little to ourselves, hoping, wishing perhaps this will help me cope, to be "Normal(er)". Especially when the number of reasons "Why not" for any sort of transition or change from the status quo of faking it far outweigh the number of reasons "Why". Still we try to find an answer that works.
After about a year of the split Male/Female living though the reasons for why or why not never changed, perhaps even had a few more rocks to tilt the scales towards why not, one reason why why grew to the size of a boulder. I had feelings again. I had passion. I had joy in my life again.
So, of course, a truck load of rocks got dumped on the "why not" side. The Dual Role Mode of living is emotionally gruelling after a few months, much more so a year, to say the least! (un)Fortunately I don't even have the luxury of time for that right now. I have a semi-invalid wife, a long distance marriage, and two households to maintain.
I know I never want to digress back into that person I was. HRT helps a lot. Knowing that I can actually my dream helps a lot. Knowing I am fortunate and was sent to, IMHO, the worlds greatest TG support group helps a lot.
"It" never goes away. It can get better