Two years ago I finally admitted to my self that I had been suffering with GD all my life, I then began a slow process of speaking to some of my oldest friends and some of my family as well. However, I have not been able to speak with the most important person in my life about my being TG, my wife. I had sat down with her and started one day but she seemed to suspect what might be coming and turned it all in to a joke. Every time I have thought about trying to talk to her I feel sick, almost to the point of throwing up. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to loose her as my wife but I have to do something. I know that I must see a therapist to help me with this next step and I have an appointment with my GP for next week so I can start with the initial referrals I need to get the ball rolling. Still I can't help feeling sick. I've lived with this skeleton in my closet for so long and it gets harder to keep it hidden in there. the last thing I want to do is just blurt it all out.
Not asking for advice here, I know the best person to help with this will be a therapist but I guess I'm seeking some hope or a reality check.
BTW. I've even tried thinking of some options to transitioning such as going only part way but the last thing I want to do is be stuck in the middle. I'm not sure if it's more important to me to be perceived as a woman or to physically be female in sex as well as gender. The gender dysphoria is bad but the body dysphoria can be overwhelming to me and it seems to be getting worse as time goes on. my body feels more and more alien to me and I know, deep down, that things have to be corrected but after more than 40 years will the dysphoria go away?
C.
Not after 40 years, not after 56 years, not after about any number of years before dementia sets in to fill the gap, will the dysphoria go away.
Dealing with it does not need to be an all or nothing situation. As you may already be noticing, just being able to say the words to another human lifts an incredible burden from you. In time all those years of shame, the decades of guilt over who and what you are begin to fade. Simply by just not keeping it all bottled up to yourself and you alone.
As you already know and feel immensly, none of that shame or guilt will go away keeping this from your wife. From what you said so far, that she suspects, the joking is more of a way to relieve her nervousness over it.
Joking to relieve nervous tension sounds like a better anticipation of shocking news than anger.
Well today is the day, This afternoon I have an appointment with my GP. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell him, but I'm leaning to just biting the bullet, so to say, and tell him "I'm here for a referral to a gender therapist." and see where that leads us.
C.
I made that same step myself, and my GP was completely accepting. She said something along the lines of "it's not my place to judge you, but to help you." Guess she could tell I was nervous! :P