So, this has kind of been bothering me all night.
One of the FIRST changes that happened with my HRT was that all of a sudden, for the first time in my entire life, I really felt like my head was working right, and finally felt like the thoughts that were up there matched my personality. And after FIFTEEN years of suppressing it, my female identity finally was freed from the mental prison of having the wrong hormones in me. And over the last week or so I've just felt completely female in the head, and am SO ready to just embrace my new identity and get on with my life.
The problem is, I'm still not even CLOSE to passing in real life. And I'm not yet out except to a few close friends and family that I trust, nor am I able to actually go outside in my "girl mode" because I know I don't look good enough yet. I went the informed-consent route with HRT rather than going the "official" way with a real-life test, for this exact reason, because I know I'm going to need the full effects of HRT before I can pass. So I really don't feel comfortable going outside as a girl yet. Even in my wig, and my most feminine of clothes, when I look in the mirror I still just see a guy. And it's really depressing me, even moreso than it used to, because now I finally know who I am, and that is definitely not a guy, but it's still just not reflected in my physical reality.
So that's why I'm asking this question. I know that the changes of HRT will happen, and that probably within the next year or so I really will have a completely female body, (I can see things changing more and more with every single day,) but how can I stop myself from being so damned impatient? My mind keeps going into these mopey self-defeating mindsets like "it will never happen," and "I'll be stuck as a guy forever," and "I'll NEVER be a real girl! WAAH!!!" And I know that these are all ridiculous and completely not based in reality, especially since I have always had low T, and as such actually have a VERY feminine bone structure. But it's really just been eating at me that I still can't be the girl that I am in my head, in real life. (I still just have too much stomach fat and back fat in the wrong places, and I don't quite have the voice down yet even though I've been working on it.)
So what can I do? Is there some way that I can better assert my femininity, and thus get my mind to shut up, without being able to actually take it outside yet? Should I just take it outside regardless of the fact that I don't pass yet, just so that I can finally feel like it's my true self out there, even if it's blatantly obvious that I'm not really a girl? And above all, how can I get my brain to SHUT UP and just enjoy the ride, not obsessing over every little detail so much, and have patience as I'm waiting for that glorious day when I can finally look in the mirror and just see a normal girl looking back at me?
What I've been doing to cope with the wait for HRT and then the wait for a proper HRT dose (still waiting) is to... well, become pretty androgynous. It was gradual, but I just mostly stopped buying guys' clothes, except for t-shirts and underwear, and whenever I needed clothes, I bought women's. Not quite girly, but still women's, and not the one most guyish thing: jeans, hoodies, socks, scarf, mittens, beanie, sneakers, tote bag for school... And I bought an anime messenger bag, which serves me as a purse. And uhm. My hair's been getting long, of course. Things like that.
I've been limiting myself (no eyebrow shaping - and gosh, they're awful and it's tempting - and no proper haircut, for example) so I actually make some impact when I go full-time and people aren't too tempted to call me my old name, but even so, just being "not quite a guy" has helped me a lot. Misgendering is always a happy event, and such. If I'm in winter clothes and with my bags, I mostly pass to strangers nowadays (yet as much older than I really am - big bone structure, ugly eyebrows and bad skin do that), and that makes me happy.
Nevertheless, go with it gradually and not too heavily (unless you absolutely don't care about passing), and allowing yourself some more "you" things like that should make the wait easier.
Oh, and one more thing. Where I am, the official route (which is the only legal route) requires therapy only for HRT, and HRT and therapy only for the name change. The only thing that requires RLE is SRS. I don't think so many places would actually require RLE for HRT. It's pretty cruel.
My impatience/impulsivity just pushed me out the door one day.
In the beginning I cared a lot about passing. I ran home one time cause I caught a reflection of myself in some glass and I thought I looked terrible. Little did I know I was wearing the wig I had at the time wrong.
Those times I went out though, long before I started HRT, my confidence began to build as I learned I could still function in life even when I'm seen as a transwoman. Actually, I learned I could function better because I wasn't hiding myself anymore.
To this day I get clocked often. Yeah, I care, but it doesn't inhibit me from living my life anymore. And the physical transition from HRT, that's sure nice. The social transition is a whole other animal entirely and very extremely important. After all, there's more to being a woman than the looks HRT gives you because people do treat you differently, judge you differently, and it can be tricky to know how to treat them back. Case in point, now I've got to be careful that I'm not accused of being a gossip when talking about so-and-so's work (as engineers are prone to do) and I gotta be aware how I phrase my disagreements cause where in men a demeanor = strength, the same coming from a woman makes her a "real b***h!"
Either getting out to meetups, or going to the grocery store, or going to a movie I think are all good ideas to start learning the social ropes. Not a good idea to rush into them, so only go when you're ready. The confidence that will come from the experience(s) will serve you well in the long one. Just be safe out there.
Oh! One more thing that really helped me before I went full time was getting my beard zapped off. If you're not ready to go out at all, that might be something you could try.