Why is it that when I start getting excited about transitioning something always goes wrong?
You're going to a psychiatrist, she'll probably analyze you until she decides you aren't trans. You'll never get hrt because your in such a small town and no one is tolerant of someone as messed up as you. You'll never be accepted as female. Who are you kidding, you can't expect to pay for hrt with THAT kind of money. Just give it up... you're probably just making this all up for attention.
And so I continue to think about just pretending to be male and deciding to live in denial until I either kill myself or die of natural causes...just another day in paradise.
So, why is it that denial seems easier than transition?
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
You're going to a psychiatrist, she'll probably analyze you until she decides you aren't trans.
Your just imagining the worst. I was afraid of the same thing and that didn't happen.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
You'll never be accepted as female. Who are you kidding,
The only person that you need acceptance from is yourself.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
And so I continue to think about just pretending to be male and deciding to live in denial until I either kill myself or die of natural causes...just another day in paradise.
Why would you want to live that way? Transitioning sounds a whole lot better than that option.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
So, why is it that denial seems easier than transition?
It's really not and can you really say your living a lie is easier. Its not because it gets old fast!
Denial easier? Say what?
Denial was always a struggle - one I fed with copious drugs and other self-abuse.
Transition and living my life as me is far, far easier. And has been since the day I came out.
In my opinion, it kind of is easier. No therapists, no hormones, no uncomfortable conversations with loved ones, no funny looks when you go out... All you have to do is keep lying to yourself. The problem is, that's really bad for your mental health and you'll probably end up driving yourself insane.
I've been trying to play that game for years, always trying to be the perfect daughter for my parents, and sure, it's been easier physically. But mentally it's been really hard, and I've struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, and I finally decided that I can't do it anymore. You have to decide what kind of "easy" you want. If you're willing to sacrifice your own comfort and happiness to take the easy route, that's always an option. But if you want to be happy, sometimes you have to choose the hard thing.
Because denial takes less time and it's cheaper but then there's the price of no being happy.
Humans have always found denial easier than acceptance. Look at it in big pictures. People denied that millions of people were being put to death in concentration camps (WWII , and goddess knows how many times after).
People deny human rights, it is easy than accepting someone's sexuality, colour, age, religion.
Why?
Because to deny you don't have to think. You can fit in the flock and Baa with the rest. It's easy.
Why do we deny our gender issues and hope they go away?
Because it's hard, we have to make decisions we have to be responsible for us. Our comfort zones are removed.
We may not be able to be the hidden person living the hidden life in the hidden town hidden by everyone else. Humans crave anonymity.
For us? Deny it! it will go away, please. I hope and pray that you have never been sexually abused, but those of us who have been often deny it. Why? It will go away. We can't cope with out thought and horrors, so we drink and drug ourselves. Why? so those thoughts and feelings will go away.
They won't. They never have, they never will.
Is denial easier? No it isn't, it is smoke and shadow.
We can accept and deal with stuff but we can never deny it.
And no it isn't easy, but it is the only way.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
Why is it that when I start getting excited about transitioning something always goes wrong?
You're going to a psychiatrist, she'll probably analyze you until she decides you aren't trans. You'll never get hrt because your in such a small town and no one is tolerant of someone as messed up as you. You'll never be accepted as female. Who are you kidding, you can't expect to pay for hrt with THAT kind of money. Just give it up... you're probably just making this all up for attention.
And so I continue to think about just pretending to be male and deciding to live in denial until I either kill myself or die of natural causes...just another day in paradise.
So, why is it that denial seems easier than transition?
Answer by color!
Go in with that defeatist attitude, and it might become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Give the professional a chance and don't prejudge.
You are not "messed up." You may be transgendered. I'm transgendered. I'm not messed up. And consider this, circumstances change. You grow up and go on your own. You can leave the intolerant small town, if it is really that.
Prejudicing yourself again. Have you ever looked at the MtF "Before and After" topic?
HRT does not have to be expensive. For instance, three months of spironolactone at Walmart costs $10.
Denial is a bad place to be. "Denial isn't going to make reality any easier and using the mental health resources is the first step toward being happy."
I felt the same way for a very long time, because my coming out proved to be a real struggle. When I was living a a girl, I dealt with the self hate, doubt, dysphoria, and so on and so forth. but the "real me" was safe inside...if people attacked me I felt they were only attacking my shell. but then, come out, I'm under constant scrutiny. People doubting me, at times mocking me, putting me on trial to decide of they think I am "worthy" of being considered a man...it's effing taxing.
That said, the closer I get to getting over that hump, the more and more transition far outweighs denial. For some people, it's easy...they get the guts to get going on transition and it goes relatively seamlessly. But when the process is slower, more drawn out, and more met with resistance...it's hard, no doubt, and sometimes denial seems better.
Ok, I'm the Crown Prince of Denial. ;)
I've had gender identity issues since age 5; realised what that meant when I was 19; but decided to try to live as a 'woman' anyway because I didn't like the options at the time. My denial period lasted 21 years.
Was it easy?
Heck, no. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I've buried loved ones.
At the time, I thought it would be easier to live in denial. If I could just ignore that horrible nagging feeling that's always in the back of my mind, I could be happy. If I could just figure out that one extra thing I'm missing, I will finally learn how to be a woman and that horrible feeling will just magically go away.
Well, it didn't. That horrible feeling grew and grew, until last year I finally found it completely intolerable and I realised that my only two options were transition or suicide. Suicide isn't an option for me because it hands an easy victory to my tormentors... so I bit the bullet, came out to my family, and decided to start transitioning.
That, of course, brings its own problems. There's a certain pain involved in each of those stages, but that pain is temporary. The pain of gender dysphoria is life-long and it gets worse with age. So I had to choose between a brief and painful period of adjustment with my family, friends and colleagues... or a life-long increase in gender dysphoria. Or death.
So I chose to transition and that was the genuine easy choice. I've been through enough to know that I can get through a temporary rough patch and come out the other side.
You know what? Everyone I've come out to says "Oh, you're so brave! Good for you for being true to yourself!". And I answer: "Brave? No, the brave part was trying to live my life as the wrong gender for 41 years. Transitioning is a piece of cake compared to that."
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
So, why is it that denial seems easier than transition?
Part of me just wants to say it only seems that way... others have said this too. For once, maybe I'll just leave it at that, since so many have echoed what I feel about this... The only thing "easy" about denial are those parts of it that require no action on our part... but losing oneself, living in ever increasing isolation as a part of not making a firm declaration of who one is? That becomes harder and harder.
To be honest, there are also so many doubts and so many things that seem like they are less than ideal about the process of transition... one can get stuck in that, but I have to feel at this point (for me, at least) that rationalizations that allowed me to avoid the process were just that, and most of them just further encouraged isolation and separation from everyday life and interactions with people, since the only way I could manage remaining in this state was to avoid those interactions whenever possible, something I don't think my ex-therapist considered, or maybe it was an aspect I concealed just to avoid making myself feel any worse.
I wouldn't say it's easier. I think it's just more comfortable since you've been doing it your entire life. If denial were easier, you wouldn't have a struggle over it that landed you on this site.
A good therapist is not going to tell you whether you're trans or not. They may tell you what they believe, but you're the one that needs to make the decision. They're just going to try to prepare you with the information you don't have and let you use as you need to. And if they see a part of your life that may interfere with your transition, they will try to refocus you to work on that first to make a successful transition more likely (if that's the way you want to go).
Elspeth's statement on doubts... yes!
When people tell me I can't do something for whatever reason, I respond with "watch me". Of course I've only applied that to everything but transition so far, so I guess I need work too. But anyway, don't let other peoples' opinions of what you can and can't do make you believe what you can and can't do. People in much worse situations than you somehow find a way to do what nobody believed they could do. You might want to look them up and read about their stories to help get you past the haters.
Here's a few that come to mind:
Temple Grandin: Autistic and a professor at Colorado State University. There was a movie about her life too.
Oscar Pistorius: Double amputee. Olympic runner
Marla Runyan: Legally blind. Competed as an Olympic runner
Stephen Hawking: Do I have to describe this man? Genius!
Helen Keller: Ditto
Denial does seem easier for me.. depending on the level of denial and when your trans feelings started ofcourse. And I believe for some, where transition hasn't become a matter of life or death yet then it would of been easier.
Because after the nightmare of my teenage years, being a male just became routine. And when I decided to transition over a year ago, I was hardly at the Do or Die stage, my trans feelings weren't unbearable and my depression and anxiety was low to moderate at times but nothing like when I was a teenager.
So every time I dismissed my trans feelings as something else for years before that and didn't take them seriously, I continued living the routine and it certainly seems easier than accepting yourself and facing reality.. but you can't really choose to go back into denial.
At least for me, it's impossible to go back to that level of denial, you can choose to ignore it again but it won't ever be the same and certainly is not easier now.. and will only get harder till eventually it will not seem easier.
The longer you are in denial, the harder it gets I think.
Quote from: Emily Elizabeth on February 19, 2013, 07:19:29 AM
Oscar Pistorius: Double amputee. Olympic runner
Probably the only positive thing that's been said about him all week.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
Why is it that when I start getting excited about transitioning something always goes wrong?
You're going to a psychiatrist, she'll probably analyze you until she decides you aren't trans. You'll never get hrt because your in such a small town and no one is tolerant of someone as messed up as you. You'll never be accepted as female. Who are you kidding, you can't expect to pay for hrt with THAT kind of money. Just give it up... you're probably just making this all up for attention.
And so I continue to think about just pretending to be male and deciding to live in denial until I either kill myself or die of natural causes...just another day in paradise.
So, why is it that denial seems easier than transition?
You're 19 Skyblue, nothing I have quite equals that.
I have a lot of things, none equal being 19.
Small town? you're 19, you can live where you like, being 50 I have gravitated to a small town for the peace and quiet. Part and parcel of being old.
Not accepted as female? You're 19, you have so much change available to you, chances are your hair still grows in nice and fast. Sure wish I had hair. Try imagining passing with male pattern hair loss to contend with. That and males get a lot hairier as they age, you can get laser and just never start. Yes laser is not cheap, but it seems people always find money for a car.
Life always seems to be about money, it is also about learning to prioritize. How much do you really want the HRT?
I decided to have my son, because waiting to be able to afford a family, well it never happens eh. You can't wait to have a magic sum of cash.
Denial is easy because we humans seem to find it easy to lie to ourselves.
The truth is out there makes a neat expression, but in truth, no one really wants the truth.
The truth is SkyBlue, you are only 19 and your journey has barely begun. At 19, you can take the female road if you really want. Don't bother listening to anyone that says you can't. The only reason to listen to 'professionals' is when they are ready to show you how. Tell the rest to get stuffed, you aren't paying them to reinforce negativity.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
Who are you kidding, you can't expect to pay for hrt with THAT kind of money.
The first hurdle is the diagnosis. Sort out how you'll pay for it later.
And I completely sympathise with you on all your points.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 19, 2013, 08:00:33 AM
Probably the only positive thing that's been said about him all week.
Yikes. Been working so much, I had no idea. Wish I hadn't listed him now.
Quote from: Emily Elizabeth on February 19, 2013, 05:01:31 PM
Yikes. Been working so much, I had no idea. Wish I hadn't listed him now.
Nah, his achievements as an Olympian are impressive. And like any other suspect, he is entitled to a presumption of innocence until proven guilty.
Such a sad story either way, though. :(
Denial only seems easier because you're used to it. As the saying goes, you can get used to hanging if you hang for long enough.
I think denial is powerful because it links in with a desire to be accepted.
Just re-read heather's #1 reply.
Hope you do too. It's brilliant.
You have lived your life as you are now. You know it's ups and it's downs, the ins and outs. You know what to expect of things to come from things gone by. While you may remain unhappy with how things are now, it is nonetheless familiar to you and with that familiarity comes a sense of comfort in knowing to some degree where things are going for you.
To break from this mold of life that has built up around you leaves you vulnerable to many unknowns. You expose yourself to events you have never experienced before. You no longer have anything in your life to compare it to so you are left unable to prepare for what will happen, how people will react, how your life would unfold from then on.
Fear is a very powerful emotion. It can be both insidiously harmful and incredibly useful. Fear protects us from danger. We learn to trust fear because it protects us and warns us of harm. We naturally fear what is unknown simply because we would rather be safe than put ourselves at risk of harm.
As a result; because we trust in our fear to keep us safe, we trust in our fear of the unknown and we find it "easier" to stick with what we are familiar with than risking potential harm to ourselves, even if it leaves us in a worse situation than if we took that chance.
What you have to do is ask yourself is if familiarity of the status quo really comforting enough? Is the misery you feel now really any better than the misery you may not even experience if you were to take that chance in changing your life?
As the saying goes...the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know.
For me personally, I don't think denial is easier. In fact, I think it is 100 times harder. If you believe in basic psychology, then there is an Id, and ego and a super-ego. I know these three things do something, but I don't remember what. They're very important though and my point is that each of us at our core has an immutable and an unchangeable self. For us trans folk, that self is in the wrong sex. It would be great if society treated it as a normal condition that can be easily rectified. In some respects, Iran is further along than the U.S. public with regards to attitude about transition. There, I believe if you get the approval of a mullah, you can transition. They do approve it. Iran is a more Western country than a lot of us would like to believe though and most people there are way cool. Sorry for the tangent. Anyhoo, when I think I might actually be able to do this, it feels like a giant weight is lifted.
I'm 100 percent though on the fact that I'm in the wrong sex, so if you have doubt, I don't know. I remember when I was your age about 12 years ago, I wanted to join the military, not to be hyper-masculine but to get the money to pay for a sex change. as I hadn't yet went to college and started a career. I was 100 percent back then as well. I can see myself on my porch in my mind's eye thinking if I served four years I could save every cent I earned and apply it to transition. I didn't know who would help, but I knew help was there if you had money. I feel/felt like Ethan Hawke In GATTACA except instead of my dream being going to Jupiter's moon, my dream I would do anything to accomplish is to change my sex and has been for a long time. Also, I thought the VA would help. I think they do. But I prob would've died in Iraq so there's that. For me it's more about being socially accepted as female. It's only tangentially related to sex. It goes deep to the core of who I am.
I'm naturally a cynic/skeptic or just curious, so it comes very naturally for me to doubt myself. I understand what you mean by being socially accepted as female; since my physical dysphoria is primarily the result of social problems.
I just didn't know how to describe what I felt as a child/tween. Even when I was experiencing being female at a deep level I still didn't know I was. I am still who I was, I can just put a label to how I feel: female.
I didn't know why I had the problems I did. I thought I had crushes on girls when it seems more likely that I just wanted to be friends with them/be them. This occurred since I was about 5; and it was a repeating cycle all the way to high school.
So after taking a step back...not knowing is easier until you have to face the unknown/undefined. True denial...would hurt a lot.
I wish I could help you. I relate to all you said though. Too much. Really, I was desperate and I was going to make a thread like this basically.
I always have a reason, it seems, to give up and to doubt myself or surrender. Always at the last moment, before maybe I can change things. To say "I'm sorry world, I give up, I'm a guy". I think this somehow temporarily relieves the pain, and I self-pity and cry, and then feel a tiny bit better, but only temporarily before it all goes back and I wish I could be how I wanted to be... I think. I don't even know for sure anymore, nor do I trust my own self-analyses.
The responses people have made though, are seeming somewhat helpful to me. They're not directed TO me, but I'm getting stuff from them.
Denial is always easier. It's often preferable to overlook something we know is going to be hard and just cast it under the carpet as though it's not there in order to go along with the safer path. Transition is scary in today's less-than-optimally accepting society, but that doesn't change the fact that it's worth doing. Nothing that is important to accomplish ever really is easy (except math homework - ZING!), but that fear of a difficult path ahead is secondary to being happy. Therefore, denial should be disposed of for the sake of seeking out your bliss.
Quote from: Adelkhf on February 19, 2013, 10:07:00 PM
You have lived your life as you are now. You know it's ups and it's downs, the ins and outs. You know what to expect of things to come from things gone by. While you may remain unhappy with how things are now, it is nonetheless familiar to you and with that familiarity comes a sense of comfort in knowing to some degree where things are going for you.
To break from this mold of life that has built up around you leaves you vulnerable to many unknowns. You expose yourself to events you have never experienced before. You no longer have anything in your life to compare it to so you are left unable to prepare for what will happen, how people will react, how your life would unfold from then on.
Fear is a very powerful emotion. It can be both insidiously harmful and incredibly useful. Fear protects us from danger. We learn to trust fear because it protects us and warns us of harm. We naturally fear what is unknown simply because we would rather be safe than put ourselves at risk of harm.
As a result; because we trust in our fear to keep us safe, we trust in our fear of the unknown and we find it "easier" to stick with what we are familiar with than risking potential harm to ourselves, even if it leaves us in a worse situation than if we took that chance.
What you have to do is ask yourself is if familiarity of the status quo really comforting enough? Is the misery you feel now really any better than the misery you may not even experience if you were to take that chance in changing your life?
Said far better than what I was going to say along the same lines. After many years or decades you sort of get used to things as bad as they are. Better the devil you know than the one you don't.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 19, 2013, 12:08:17 AM
You're going to a psychiatrist, she'll probably analyze you until she decides you aren't trans. You'll never get hrt because your in such a small town and no one is tolerant of someone as messed up as you.
Reminds me of when I came out to my psychiatrist. I was terrified she'd laugh me out.
To my surprise, she revealed that she had known for a while - but hadn't said so because she felt I wasn't ready to transition until I came to the conclusion myself that I needed to.
It wasn't till I was post-op till I saw the notes from the intake appointment (a decade before I came out) --- the notes from day one contained the words "gender issues".