Quote from: Aaron Gabriel on February 19, 2013, 12:24:20 PM
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 12:19:30 PM
Oh that is a good distinction. Maybe we're on the same page after all. I also was thinking of someone like Buttercup from Princess Bride when I mentioned 'strong in a feminine way'. Love Bella though! :laugh:
Yeah, that's more what I was talking about. I prefer this kind of femininity in a partner (male or female), so I'm kind of biased I guess. :laugh:
I don't get how you can like Bella. :P She was /so/ whiny. I can't stand whiners like that, male or female. It's fine to whine on occasion, but all of the time?...And she fell for an emotionally abusive twat. ::) No, don't fall for the guy that's always there and willing to help you no matter what. Instead fall for the guy who's constantly leaving and the creeper who watched you while you slept. [My other big thing is that she led the good guy (Jacob) on...ugh...]
Yeah Jacob was hotter (literally lol) and had more personality. I kept hoping throughout the books she would see what was right in front of her.
The whiny part I never noticed. I just loved how gone she was over love, ready to give up everything and stuff.
Don't remember Edward being emotionally abusive (but it's been awhile since I read the books). How so?
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 12:34:33 PM
Yeah Jacob was hotter (literally lol) and had more personality. I kept hoping throughout the books she would see what was right in front of her.
The whiny part I never noticed. I just loved how gone she was over love, ready to give up everything and stuff.
Don't remember Edward being emotionally abusive (but it's been awhile since I read the books). How so?
Hahah, Jacob was definitely better looking though I'll admit I like Robert in Harry Potter. He played a cute Cedric Diggory.
He was always threatening to leave her and constantly saying she shouldn't be with him. I understand the reasons, but if she shouldn't be with him then he should have ended the relationship right away before she got to the point where she was trying to jump off a cliff to get him to notice her [this was manipulative on her part]. He left a couple of times and, to me, he was always putting her down over her feelings for him. It's not healthy to hear that the person you love thinks you should leave him. [And it's also a form of manipulation.] Overall, the relationship was unhealthy for both of them and, in my opinion, both of them needed to leave the other.
Here (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychologist-the-movies/201111/relationship-violence-in-twilight) is a good article detailing how both of them are in an unhealthy relationship and how their behaviors qualify their relationship to be called an abusive one. The relationship also meets several of the criteria for an abusive relationship given out by the National Domestic Violence hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/), most notably the questions: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, and 9.
On Mary Sue: It's a character that can do no wrong/is heavily idealized/has faults, but these are always overlooked/too perfect/etc.
Quote from: Aaron Gabriel on February 19, 2013, 01:23:13 PM
The relationship also meets several of the criteria for an abusive relationship given out by the National Domestic Violence hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/), most notably the questions: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, and 9.
Wow according to that criteria, I was a worse partner than I thought. :( Never threatened to kill anyone's pets though. That's just evil.
I don't know. Are you sure that list isn't being a bit 'picky'? I mean, don't most relationships have a bunch of that stuff?
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 02:25:39 PM
Wow according to that criteria, I was a worse partner than I thought. :( Never threatened to kill anyone's pets though. That's just evil.
I don't know. Are you sure that list isn't being a bit 'picky'? I mean, don't most relationships have a bunch of that stuff?
I've only been in one relationship where it fit any of that criteria. I dropped him fairly quick upon him moving in with me. My other relationships were fairly good and emotionally healthy. We just sort of fell apart in those relationships and there was no real dislike among us, except for one and that was because I told him we couldn't be friends at the current point in time.
My parents' relationship doesn't fit any of the criteria (they'll be married 25 years in April), either, and neither does the relationship my sister's currently in.
I'm not saying that there aren't relationships out there that meet that criteria in some sense, just that I've never known anyone be in a successful relationship that meets those criteria.
This is from the 'Disney Movies' thread but I didn't want to derail it, so split it.
The topic is rather timely for me so...
Quote from: Aaron Gabriel on February 19, 2013, 02:33:13 PM
My other relationships were fairly good and emotionally healthy.
What does a good and emotionally healthy relationship look like?
If anyone wants to chime in on abusive vs non abusive relationships, please do. I have a history of not treating partners very well, so I need all the help I can get if god forbid I start dating again.
If it's something you look back on and feel bad for doing, then it is probably a form of abuse.
Just don't be an a$$. ::)
-If you don't want to give him/her money, calmly explain why not, such as you not seeing a $50 hairstyling as being worthwhile, and reach a compromise.
-Occasionally, do something nice and spontaneous just for the sake of doing it and nothing in return, such as waking up early to surprise your SO with breakfast in bed. Spoil him/her every once in awhile.
-Make sure you respect both of your needs.
-Go out and do something fun.
-Communicate.
Quote from: Brooke777 on February 19, 2013, 02:55:50 PM
If it's something you look back on and feel bad for doing, then it is probably a form of abuse.
Not necessarily. If you didn't want to watch a particular movie with your SO and he/she gave you those puppy dog eyes, you may feel bad, but aren't abusive.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 02:43:28 PM
This is from the 'Disney Movies' thread but I didn't want to derail it, so split it.
The topic is rather timely for me so...
What does a good and emotionally healthy relationship look like?
If anyone wants to chime in on abusive vs non abusive relationships, please do. I have a history of not treating partners very well, so I need all the help I can get if god forbid I start dating again.
I was wondering where the posts went. xD I was like "o.o...did I say something bad? T.T"
Anyway, I'll detail my first relationship:
I met her at Otakon. Yes, we were both young and still high school. It was also long distance, but it was still enjoyable and it only ended because my parents' didn't like her and forced me to never talk to her again. We would probably still be together otherwise. Anyway, the relationship was emotionally fulfilling. We both cared for each other a lot and we always talked through any problems that arise. It was a mutual friendship first and a romantic relationship next. We could get pissy with each other (who doesn't?), but we talked through it and everything came out better in the end.
It was just overall rather nice and it was a lot of giving between the two of us. It was very much a mutual relationship built on trust and love.
My second relationship failed because the guy was a creeper.
My third relationship was fairly emotionally healthy at first and only became unhealthy when I didn't break it off soon enough and kept my feelings inside. At first there was a lot of caring for another and being friends along with partners. It only failed later on because I wasn't going to wait around forever to be something more than a gf (at the time I wasn't out to anyone). It was nowhere as good as my first relationship, however.
My fourth was unhealthy. He was controlling and manipulative. He refused to let me go to a friend's bacholerette party and everything had to be his way. He wouldn't let me be a separate person and he kept emotionally blackmailing me into being with him (physically and emotionally). He also completely rejected my being trans* and refused to acknowledge the side completely. It was unhealthy to an extreme. I recognized this, though, and left him.
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 02:56:27 PM
Just don't be an a$$. ::)
-If you don't want to give him/her money, calmly explain why not, such as you not seeing a $50 hairstyling as being worthwhile, and reach a compromise.
-Occasionally, do something nice and spontaneous just for the sake of doing it and nothing in return, such as waking up early to surprise your SO with breakfast in bed. Spoil him/her every once in awhile.
-Make sure you respect both of your needs.
-Go out and do something fun.
-Communicate.
Not necessarily. If you didn't want to watch a particular movie with your SO and he/she gave you those puppy dog eyes, you may feel bad, but aren't abusive.
Life is not always that simple. I was the one who earned the money, but I could not spend any of it. If I tried to do something nice for her I was always told what I did wrong. Do I even have needs? Not according to her. Something fun for her was to have me run all the errands and then clean the house while she hung out with friends. Communicate. I got yelled at plenty, so communication is over rated.
As for looking back on something. I have never felt bad about not wanting to watch a certain movie. I was more referring to if you look back and see that yelling at the person to the point where they were cowering in the corner, and you feel bad. You shouldn't do that anymore. Most people don't feel bad about small things like movies or music. It's about the bigger things.
Quote from: Brooke777 on February 19, 2013, 03:02:45 PM
Life is not always that simple. I was the one who earned the money, but I could not spend any of it. If I tried to do something nice for her I was always told what I did wrong. Do I even have needs? Not according to her. Something fun for her was to have me run all the errands and then clean the house while she hung out with friends. Communicate. I got yelled at plenty, so communication is over rated.
As for looking back on something. I have never felt bad about not wanting to watch a certain movie. I was more referring to if you look back and see that yelling at the person to the point where they were cowering in the corner, and you feel bad. You shouldn't do that anymore. Most people don't feel bad about small things like movies or music. It's about the bigger things.
What if they don't feel bad for any of that? They should stop regardless of if they feel bad or not. Those behaviors are unhealthy and the person who has to deal with them has my sympathies. But not every person is going to feel bad for yelling at someone or controlling a person's life; they might even
enjoy it. It still makes it unhealthy and the relationship needs to end however hard it would be to do so.
Abused spouses often feel emotionally trapped and tied to the person so it's hard for them to break away even if they know the relationship is unhealthy. It takes the support of loved ones and sometimes professionals to get away though often the person still feels bad for trying to break off the relationship especially if they loved the abuser.
But the relationship still needs to end.
Well, I was just providing an admittedly silly example to address the point that feeling bad about something isn't grounds for it being abuse.
Allow me to make an amendment: HEALTHY communication.
Not to mention that everything I said was meant as a two-way street. Your relationship sounded like a one-way street, which doesn't work.
I find the word abuse to be very limiting. because sometimes, things in a relationship can be unhealthy, destructive, and hurtful, but labelling at as "abuse" seems extreme. And actually, a friend of mine who works at a women's shelter says that because of the stigma of words like "abuse", "victim", so and on so forth, almost every person thinks to themselves "I wasn't abused...abuse is X." "At least s/he didn't hit me." "At least s/he didn't hit the kids." "At least s/he didn't rape the kids." So on and so forth, there's always a higher level that is "abuse" when theirs is not.
I'd say if either party feels controlled, undervalued, or afraid, it could constitute as an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes, both partners feel that way. I think instead of fearing the "abuse" label, it's important to simply be open and understand the gravity of your partner's concerns. Take them seriously, talk them through with as much honesty and as little defensiveness as possible. Say what you mean, and let your actions reflect what you want to say (for example, sometimes people engage in bad/controlling behaviour to send a message to their partner - rather, it is better to simply express honestly and respectfully and have enough trust to work through the issues).
Quote from: Aaron Gabriel on February 19, 2013, 03:09:06 PM
What if they don't feel bad for any of that? They should stop regardless of if they feel bad or not. Those behaviors are unhealthy and the person who has to deal with them has my sympathies. But not every person is going to feel bad for yelling at someone or controlling a person's life; they might even enjoy it. It still makes it unhealthy and the relationship needs to end however hard it would be to do so.
Abused spouses often feel emotionally trapped and tied to the person so it's hard for them to break away even if they know the relationship is unhealthy. It takes the support of loved ones and sometimes professionals to get away though often the person still feels bad for trying to break off the relationship especially if they loved the abuser.
But the relationship still needs to end.
That's true, not everyone will feel bad for that type of stuff. I was mainly speaking to the OP who I know feels bad. But, yes there are abusers out there who see nothing wrong with how they treat those that they abuse.
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 03:11:16 PM
Well, I was just providing an admittedly silly example to address the point that feeling bad about something isn't grounds for it being abuse.
I have seen some truly horrendous relationships, so I don't take this topic too light. I may have taken your example a bit serious.
Quote from: Caleb. on February 19, 2013, 03:18:15 PM
II'd say if either party feels controlled, undervalued, or afraid, it could constitute as an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes, both partners feel that way. I think instead of fearing the "abuse" label, it's important to simply be open and understand the gravity of your partner's concerns. Take them seriously, talk them through with as much honesty and as little defensiveness as possible. Say what you mean, and let your actions reflect what you want to say (for example, sometimes people engage in bad/controlling behaviour to send a message to their partner - rather, it is better to simply express honestly and respectfully and have enough trust to work through the issues).
I wish it were simple. I have learned that expressing your concerns, fears, and emotions is a good way to get yelled at. It's often better to just keep quite and make yourself as small as possible. Eventually, a way out will present itself.
Quote from: Brooke777 on February 19, 2013, 03:36:16 PM
I have seen some truly horrendous relationships, so I don't take this topic too light. I may have taken your example a bit serious.
Alright, if you want a better example: My dad left his glass on the floor while we were watching a movie. The phone rang, and I went to answer it. I stepped on the glass and it shattered, splitting my foot. My dad felt bad, but I knew it was an accident.
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 03:40:36 PM
Alright, if you want a better example: My dad left his glass on the floor while we were watching a movie. The phone rang, and I went to answer it. I stepped on the glass and it shattered, splitting my foot. My dad felt bad, but I knew it was an accident.
There was no action on his part. He did not do anything to hurt you. You stepped on something and hurt yourself. Way different than abuse.
Quote from: Brooke777 on February 19, 2013, 02:55:50 PM
If it's something you look back on and feel bad for doing, then it is probably a form of abuse.
He left the glass on the floor instead of on the table next to him. He felt bad for doing that. It wasn't abuse.
Quote from: Caleb. on February 19, 2013, 03:18:15 PM
I find the word abuse to be very limiting. because sometimes, things in a relationship can be unhealthy, destructive, and hurtful, but labelling at as "abuse" seems extreme. And actually, a friend of mine who works at a women's shelter says that because of the stigma of words like "abuse", "victim", so and on so forth, almost every person thinks to themselves "I wasn't abused...abuse is X." "At least s/he didn't hit me." "At least s/he didn't hit the kids." "At least s/he didn't rape the kids." So on and so forth, there's always a higher level that is "abuse" when theirs is not.
I'd say if either party feels controlled, undervalued, or afraid, it could constitute as an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes, both partners feel that way. I think instead of fearing the "abuse" label, it's important to simply be open and understand the gravity of your partner's concerns. Take them seriously, talk them through with as much honesty and as little defensiveness as possible. Say what you mean, and let your actions reflect what you want to say (for example, sometimes people engage in bad/controlling behaviour to send a message to their partner - rather, it is better to simply express honestly and respectfully and have enough trust to work through the issues).
There's also emotional abuse, physical abuse, and both that can occur in a relationship. Sometimes it truly is abuse and other times it's just a destructive relationship that's unhealthy. Either way, emotional trauma is occurring regardless of the form it takes. There are also varying degrees of abuse and it can be classified differently depending on the person at hand.
As for talking...it doesn't always work. I talked with my ex-fiancé about the problems and he didn't give a damn. He heard the words, but he didn't listen to them and take into the idea that they were meant. He admitted this when I finally broke it off with him ("I would have changed if I had known it would come to this, but I didn't think it would." -- it was an excuse not to change and work on the relationship). I was willing to listen and work on things that bothered him, but I never got the same courtesy. Overall, the relationship was emotionally trying and I'm still a wreck in certain ways [such as I'm extremely hesitant to enter a sexual relationship now because I was repeatedly coerced into having sex against my will with my ex].
Anyway...just sometimes talking doesn't work. As stated earlier by DianaP, relationships are a two way street (or should be).
@ Brooke777: Oh, okay. :) I think Not-so Fat Admin feeling bad and wanting to change is a good sign. (-snugs to him-) It takes courage, in my opinion, to admit that.
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 03:47:14 PM
He left the glass on the floor instead of on the table next to him. He felt bad for doing that. It wasn't abuse.
Sorry hon, I think you and I are thinking on completely different levels on this one. You are playing with semantics. I'm not. You can tear my statement apart but I'm pretty sure that anyone who has been around abuse knows what I mean by this. Please, move on to another post. Thanks.
I guess. I just didn't think the definition fit since I have been around abuse, but, alas, it doesn't matter.
I know it isn't as simple as just talking. and I don't believe all situations, particularly when the person is abusive, can be solved by talking. Actually, if someone is not listening to you when you are expressing your concerns and feelings, it's a good sign the relationship needs to end. I was more talking from the perspective of someone who is afraid to be abusive - how to be a good partner and not engage in behaviours that are going to cause emotional trauma to your partner.
This is coming from my own experiences with abuse...I was sexually abused by a woman for about three years during my teenage years, but I always thought "it's not abuse because she said she loved me." "It's not abuse because I've let it go on, a part of myself must care for her." I've also experienced emotional abuse from various people. But again, there was the "it's not abuse, they just don't understand." "It's not abuse, they didn't hit me." In order for me to truly comprehend what happened to me, I had to drop trying to decide if it was abuse or not. I had people tell me flat out I was abused, and I tried to label it as abuse, but that didn't help me. What helped was stepping away from that and thinking about how it made me feel, and how the dynamics played out.
In any case, I certainly didn't mean to make it sound like it was just something that needed to be talked through. I think talking can help in some cases, where someone may not be aware they are engaging in bad behaviour, but I definitely think that if someone is not listening and taking your concerns seriously it is time to step out.
Quote from: Aaron Gabriel on February 19, 2013, 03:50:16 PM
@ Brooke777: Oh, okay. :) I think Not-so Fat Admin feeling bad and wanting to change is a good sign. (-snugs to him-) It takes courage, in my opinion, to admit that.
Thanks you two. :)
Quote from: Aaron Gabriel on February 19, 2013, 03:50:16 PM
There's also emotional abuse, physical abuse, and both that can occur in a relationship. Sometimes it truly is abuse and other times it's just a destructive relationship that's unhealthy. Either way, emotional trauma is occurring regardless of the form it takes. There are also varying degrees of abuse and it can be classified differently depending on the person at hand.
Oddly, it's the more 'verbal' stuff and humiliation caused which I have a hard time forgiving myself of. The physical stuff scared me more at the time it was happening. Because I didn't know my own strength and was terrified I wouldn't be able to stop myself. Plus the fear I saw shamed me horribly.
The other stuff didn't bother me till later when I realized it still 'hung in the air' and nothing I could say or do would fix it.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 04:34:04 PM
Oddly, it's the more 'verbal' stuff and humiliation caused which I have a hard time forgiving myself of. The physical stuff scared me more at the time it was happening. Because I didn't know my own strength and was terrified I wouldn't be able to stop myself. Plus the fear I saw shamed me horribly.
The other stuff didn't bother me till later when I realized it still 'hung in the air' and nothing I could say or do would fix it.
Verbal stuff is hard to get over for many people -- words have always hurt me more than being physically touched. Words just dig in and fester in my experience. (This may not be true for others, though.) Anyway, I understand the points and why physical problems would have scared you more at the time it was happening.
From what I've been told by people who work with abused people, only 3% of abusers ever recover. To put it into perspective, that's about the same as rapists.
Emotional abuse is the most prevalent form of abuse and it is always present when there are other forms of abuse. Emotional abuse is also not any less serious than other forms.
There is no way of knowing how fast or when it will escalate (and it will). For example, a woman was "just" emotionally abused by her husband. He shot her and her mother when they came home one day.
There is often a cycle: the honeymoon phase, the tense phase, and the explosion. The honeymoon phase disappears over time and it does not make any of it ok.
The stigma surrounding the word "abuse" needs to be eradicated and people need to be educated on what it really is. Not saying "oh, well, it was just ___" or "abuse is extreme." Yes, it gets to be, but it doesn't start out extreme. That's how they trap people.
I once asked my mom where the line was with dad, aka when would she have stepped in. She replied that she would have if he hit any of us. I have a personality disorder, nightmares, flashbacks, an inability to trust people, and other effects of both emotional abuse and knowing that she just stood back and watched... because he didn't outright hit me. (The physical stuff he did do is either healed or didn't leave a mark.)
Quote from: Edge on February 19, 2013, 04:56:55 PM
From what I've been told by people who work with abused people, only 3% of abusers ever recover. To put it into perspective, that's about the same as rapists.
That's what I'm afraid of. :(
I haven't had many relationships, but the ones I did have I was abusive. Probably not as bad as many, I didn't land them in the hospital or anything. But then again, the physical part was never as bad as the rest.
I've had lovers and not abused them (though I still hurt them in non deliberate ways and broke their hearts). But anyone I was serious about got abused. I'm afraid this has something to do with why I've been so hesitant to date. :embarrassed:
The first (and probably hardest) step is admitting it, so you've got that part. :) Also, not dating until you feel confident is another good step. Learning what behaviour is abusive and what constitutes a healthy relationship is also good.
I've found that a lot of abusers are struggling with emotional stuff themselves, so I strongly feel that building self esteem would help a lot (aka making oneself strong rather than making other weaker). There are a lot of tips out there for how to do that, but I've found that the best is to learn about oneself (in other words, the self to be esteemed about) and ones values.
Quote from: Edge on February 19, 2013, 05:25:59 PM
The first (and probably hardest) step is admitting it, so you've got that part. :) Also, not dating until you feel confident is another good step. Learning what behaviour is abusive and what constitutes a healthy relationship is also good.
I've found that a lot of abusers are struggling with emotional stuff themselves, so I strongly feel that building self esteem would help a lot (aka making oneself strong rather than making other weaker). There are a lot of tips out there for how to do that, but I've found that the best is to learn about oneself (in other words, the self to be esteemed about) and ones values.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. :)
Do you think males who are abused suffer as much as females? Seems they're less likely to identify the relationship as abusive.
Yes, but it's less likely to be reported due to differences in how people are taught to deal with emotion and probably shame. Also, there are less resources for abused men. One could argue that men suffer more due to the lack of resources and because women are more likely to talk about it and therefore deal with it, but I don't believe anyone suffers more or less in general in these situations. I think it's best to focus on the fact that all abuse is bad, there need to be more resources for everyone, and people of any gender need to talk about it.
Quote from: Edge on February 19, 2013, 05:39:00 PM
Yes, but it's less likely to be reported due to differences in how people are taught to deal with emotion and probably shame. Also, there are less resources for abused men. One could argue that men suffer more due to the lack of resources and because women are more likely to talk about it and therefore deal with it, but I don't believe anyone suffers more or less in general in these situations. I think it's best to focus on the fact that all abuse is bad, there need to be more resources for everyone, and people of any gender need to talk about it.
That's a good point. Wow, you seem really well-versed in this kind of stuff.
Thanks. It's from a combination of years of experience and determination for those years to end. :laugh:
Quote from: Caleb. on February 19, 2013, 04:29:36 PM
I know it isn't as simple as just talking. and I don't believe all situations, particularly when the person is abusive, can be solved by talking. Actually, if someone is not listening to you when you are expressing your concerns and feelings, it's a good sign the relationship needs to end. I was more talking from the perspective of someone who is afraid to be abusive - how to be a good partner and not engage in behaviours that are going to cause emotional trauma to your partner.
This is coming from my own experiences with abuse...I was sexually abused by a woman for about three years during my teenage years, but I always thought "it's not abuse because she said she loved me." "It's not abuse because I've let it go on, a part of myself must care for her." I've also experienced emotional abuse from various people. But again, there was the "it's not abuse, they just don't understand." "It's not abuse, they didn't hit me." In order for me to truly comprehend what happened to me, I had to drop trying to decide if it was abuse or not. I had people tell me flat out I was abused, and I tried to label it as abuse, but that didn't help me. What helped was stepping away from that and thinking about how it made me feel, and how the dynamics played out.
In any case, I certainly didn't mean to make it sound like it was just something that needed to be talked through. I think talking can help in some cases, where someone may not be aware they are engaging in bad behaviour, but I definitely think that if someone is not listening and taking your concerns seriously it is time to step out.
Interesting points. May I ask to get a better understanding of this - what exactly is emotional trauma? Other than like grief over a loss or some other big occurrence like sexual assault or something.
What does emotional trauma entail? Can you cause emotional trauma to someone and not know it?
Quote from: Edge on February 19, 2013, 05:51:17 PM
Thanks. It's from a combination of years of experience and determination for those years to end. :laugh:
May I ask (it's ok if you don't feel comfortable answering) have you been in an abusive romantic relationship?
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 06:02:10 PMMay I ask (it's ok if you don't feel comfortable answering) have you been in an abusive romantic relationship?
I have been in at least three.
Quote from: Edge on February 19, 2013, 06:09:09 PM
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 06:02:10 PMMay I ask (it's ok if you don't feel comfortable answering) have you been in an abusive romantic relationship?
I have been in at least three.
So, you can tell me from the perspective of someone with an abusive partner? That's awesome. Especially from a male. They would tell me I'm hurting them but usually in a quiet, gentle way that unfortunately I did not take seriously. I guess I expected them to hit me over the head with it. :(
And the few times they got angry and tried to defend themeslves, just escalated things.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 06:02:10 PM
Interesting points. May I ask to get a better understanding of this - what exactly is emotional trauma? Other than like grief over a loss or some other big occurrence like sexual assault or something.
What does emotional trauma entail? Can you cause emotional trauma to someone and not know it?
Emotional trauma varies, but some of the symptoms are:
Quote
Emotional and psychological symptoms of trauma:
- Shock, denial, or disbelief
Anger, irritability, mood swings
Guilt, shame, self-blame
Feeling sad or hopeless
Confusion, difficulty concentrating
Anxiety and fear
Withdrawing from others
Feeling disconnected or numb
Physical symptoms of trauma:
- Insomnia or nightmares
Being startled easily
Racing heartbeat
Aches and pains
Fatigue
Difficulty concentrating
Edginess and agitation
Muscle tension
Items in bold: What I currently experience from the relationship with my ex.
Items in italic: What I currently experience from almost dying as a kid due to paralysis from the chin down caused by GBS.
Items in bold and italic: What I currently experience from both experiences.
The items pertaining to my ex are slowly slipping away from hard work and coming to terms with myself and understanding that just because he was a prick doesn't mean it was my fault and doesn't mean I won't find someone to spend my life with. My fear centers on relationships and sexual situations. After repeatedly being coerced into sex [he guilted me into it] that I never wanted, I'm very nervous about entering relationships. I'm scared the same thing will happen. This, however, is slowly changing and I'm starting to realize that maybe I can find myself a good man and that just maybe I might be comfortable in sexual situations again.
The items pertaining to my paralysis...I don't know if I'll ever get over it. My personality changed in the span of a couple of weeks at that point in time. My dad likens it to a light switch being flipped because I went from happy to no longer happy. I withdrew from nearly everyone, including family. I still don't bond well emotionally because of this event.
Anyway...
I'm sure someone can cause emotional trauma and not know it. My ex probably doesn't realize how much he affected my ability to be in a relationship and my ability to interact with others on that level...and he probably doesn't realize that he's the reason I can't stand sex [particularly 'straight' sex]. Oh well, though.
Thanks for the detailed response Aaron Gabriel. Do you know if emotional trauma can be caused by one event/conversation, say if it was humiliating/hurtful?
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 06:50:38 PM
Thanks for the detailed response Aaron Gabriel. Do you know if emotional trauma can be caused by one event/conversation, say if it was humiliating/hurtful?
It possibly could be. I suppose it depends on the person in question. If it was a harsh enough event then I don't see why it couldn't cause it. =/
Also, there could be other things going on in a person's life that affects their resiliency.
Quote from: Aaron Gabriel on February 19, 2013, 06:56:39 PM
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 06:50:38 PM
Thanks for the detailed response Aaron Gabriel. Do you know if emotional trauma can be caused by one event/conversation, say if it was humiliating/hurtful?
It possibly could be. I suppose it depends on the person in question. If it was a harsh enough event then I don't see why it couldn't cause it. =/
Hmm. If so how long would it last do you think?
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 07:07:22 PM
Hmm. If so how long would it last do you think?
I'd say it depends on the person and their "resiliency" as Edge put it. I wish I could give a more concrete example, but people heal at different speeds.
Can you tell someone's resiliency factor?
No.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 19, 2013, 02:43:28 PM
This is from the 'Disney Movies' thread but I didn't want to derail it, so split it.
The topic is rather timely for me so...
What does a good and emotionally healthy relationship look like?
If anyone wants to chime in on abusive vs non abusive relationships, please do. I have a history of not treating partners very well, so I need all the help I can get if god forbid I start dating again.
"Golden Rule" my friend. Some of the things listed (in the link above) are "not abusive" if they result from mutual consent.
Openness and honesty in a relationship ensures one partner never get blind-sided. And respecting boundaries is also important.
Quote from: DrillQuip on February 20, 2013, 11:53:09 AM
Quote from: Pleasingly Plump Jamie D on February 20, 2013, 02:09:33 AM
"Golden Rule" my friend. Some of the things listed (in the link above) are "not abusive" if they result from mutual consent.
Actually I might have to disagree with this. It could be said that many abusive relationships are mutual consenting ones. I saw a documentary once where a woman actually signed a contract with her husband stating that she be his slave and accept his abuse. That doesn't mean her life was enriched by this action merely because she didnt have the ability to see through its nonsense. She was still a slave, and said herself that at the time she only signed on to this horrible agreement because she had no sense of self worth.
Something to think about.
I'd concede that the things listed on that site are subject to different forms of severity but I'd say they're all abusive. And since there are people who stay in abusive relationships that cant see how bad things are because theyre so used to it (boil the frog slowly and it wont know what hit it) then that persons perspective and 'consent' are a very shaky way of determining how bad the situation truly is.
Wow, that's sad. :(
What's your opinion on the resiliency factor? Think you can tell?
No. What's it about?
Oh and what personality types can and can't take abuse? (not that I'm planning on ever doing it again; just analyzing stuff in my past)
Both of my ex's were very emotionally manipulative and hurtful. Lot's of bad stuff.
The healthier one's self esteem is, the more resilient to abuse. I think what other stresses are going on also have an effect since things tend to build up. That said, there is no personality type that "can take" abuse. No one should have to. From a personal experience standpoint, I have yet to meet an abuse survivor who hasn't been affected by it in some way, but I also haven't met everyone in the world, so that's debatable. Regardless, the people who are more resilient to abuse are also the ones least likely to take it.
Also, I should point out that when I say healthier self esteem, I mean real self esteem and not pseudo self esteem. If I could remember how to describe the difference, I would, but I suck at words.
Hmm. I can try. Some people act really confident and as if they like themselves, but their actions suggest otherwise. For example, some people act confident, but they stay in unhealthy relationships because they don't believe they deserve better. Some people act confident, but try to make others weaker in an attempt to make themselves feel stronger and in control because they themselves feel weak and out of control. Does that make sense?