I labeled myself a pickle a while ago because I didn't fit the "ideals" of most other transsexuals I have come across. I also labeled myself that because of the situation I am in. I'm a pickle because for me, FFS will be way more important than SRS. To me, becoming a woman means looking like one in societies eye. Since they cannot see what is between my legs, I must deal with what can be seen. I have some desire to deal with what is below, but that will be the icing on the cake for me. Not my main goal.
Three years ago I had my first failed transition attempt. I fell flat on my face. I am now more educated, wiser, and aware of the pitfalls.
The decision to try to transition is upon me again after realizing this is not going away, it is getting worse and the decision to transition is for one reason.
To stop the obsession.
Seriously it has worn me down. After two years of 4-5 hours of sleep per night, some nights with much less it has physically worn me down. I'm cranky, tired, I've turned into a huge butt head and I have done everything but face it head on. I have had this issue since I was 5 or 6 years old, but the last few years it has grown beyond anything I care to fight anymore.
I have a Gender Therapist in downtown Fort Worth by the name of Rita Cotterly. Funny enough she started out as a Nun. Over the last 20-30 years she has helped over 500 transsexuals transition. I feel confident she knows what she is doing. I have been seeing her for sometime. I started seeing her last year and stopped thinking I could just go on. Dumb...dumb..dumb. She knew I would be back, and back I came a year later begging for estrogen. Well I got my letter and she referred me to an OB/GYN.
Last week I visited my first Gyno :icon_flower: lol. Its a boy!!...not for much longer!! Yes, not an Endo, but an OB/GYN by the name of Robert Hardie. He has helped many TS (mtf and ftm) transition. I have to tell you, sitting in that waiting room was interesting. All the discomfort was mine because the staff was overly outstanding, understanding, and very caring and polite. His nurse was the same. Robert Hardie is a no nonsense type person and will ONLY SEE SOMEBODY THAT HAS A LETTER, so don't bother looking him up and try to make an appointment if you do not have a letter for HRT. I cannot discuss dosages but he wrote out 5 prescriptions. Two types of estrogen, progesterone which he firmly believes helps breast formation (he has documentation back to the 70's to prove it), a t-blocker, and a DHT blocker as well. They drew blood, gave me my scripts and sent me on my way. I know I was red faced being the only "guy" there knowing that there was no reason for a male to be present at a Gyno clinic without a wife who is pregnant (generally). I won't hesitate to go back. The staff has been well trained to deal with Transgendered.
Dr. Hardie told me at one time he thought Transsexuals were a joke and used to make fun of people with what he called "sexual problems". He got his butt chewed out by a lead physician and was pretty much forced to study the issue. Over the years and the success and happy lives he produced convinced him what ever is the issue with the transgendered people that had been screened and he had helped was not only real, but a birth defect. He told me to not be scared, or ashamed for it was not my fault. He said he is batting a 1000 with those he has helped. Every one of his patients is much happier and leads a normal happy life, even those that really could not pass are much better people. He takes what those in the TS community tell him very seriously, to heart, and wants to help. He told me this because I flat out asked him "Why do you want to help the transgendered community when others won't"?
He has taken the time to learn and study and observe and has come to the conclusion we are not whacked out mentally. We may have mental issues caused by our "uniqueness" (don't ever use the word problem around him, we are different and unique, it will make him mad) but after he gets done with you, things will be better and you will be re-aligned. His staff has to go through intensive GID training and they understand and it really showed.
So this is it I guess. Round two for Lori. I am going to transition. As Steph said long ago when I was bitching about it, if you have GID, if you are TS (a Pickle) you will transition one day. GID spares nobody. I must stop the obsession, the unanswered questions, face the fears and do this. It takes more energy, and does more harm to fight it than it does to just give in and do it I have found out. No more running, no more stupid projects, no more laying around depressed and wondering. All the drugs and alcohol do not bury this. It just numbs and delays the inevitable.
I'm sitting here wondering why I must do this because I feel fine right now. Why do I feel fine and where is my GID push? Oh yeah....I have patches glued to my butt, and things in my system...I feel wonderful. How odd is that? I asked "Why does a TS need hrt? Is it mental or physical"? The answer I was given is "It's both". "Calm the physical need, and the mental one goes away with it." Very interesting. The next year will be...interesting.
Lori
Lori,
Thank you very much for posting that.
I find myself wondering often if I am TS. For now my depression is control due to some meds - but I am not looking forward to the day when I can reduce them. For me the deval I know now (being tried and not being able to exercise) is probably better then the deval I do not know (going of the meds and opening up my GID issues). I find it interesting what you have said in regard is HRT a physical or mental need. I often had wondered why as soon as HRT started everyine seamed to of feel better. I like what you have said about calming the Physical need and then mental need vanishes - it is the best description of the effect I have heard
I am so glad you found Dr. Hardie who has done a lot of reasearch and now has come to recognise the problem as a birth defect. Good luck with your transistion.
Alice
Lori! The pickle is back! Break out the mustard!
It's good to see you doll! I'm thrilled to hear that you are finally doing something. And what a wonderful something it is. It is heartening to hear of medical professionals who are helpful and understanding.
Now, take your "butt head" as you called yourself, and get some nice shampoo and conditioner and wash it away. You deserve a head of pleasant smelling hair. You are NOT a butt head my dear. You are just cranky. You will solve your problems and have a happy life.
There... Cindi has told the fortune. But it is one you will make. So Cindi stands confident that it will happen.
Chin up!
Cindi
Quote from: LoriI am going to transition. As Steph said long ago when I was bitching about it, if you have GID, if you are TS (a Pickle) you will transition one day. GID spares nobody.
Indeed! I have missed you pickle lady! :'( Thanks for posting what you just did. I'm very happy for you and wish you all the luck in the world. Although you may consider yourself to be a bit cranky, I just want you to know that you make people laugh with some of your posts.....you know what I mean. ;) ;D ...LOL ;D Take care of yourself, and you know what? it's perfectly okay to be a pickle. I think that most of us will agree with that.... :icon_hug:
tink :icon_chick:
Oh Lori, you KNOW how happy I am for you! Yes, I know you're scared and all, but life has this quirky way of helping people once they truly start facing their demons. You'll see.
We've been through a lot together this last year, and you've gotten me through some really bad patches, putting up with all my whining and self-centeredness while I tried to find MY way through all this.
I only hope I/we can all return the favour now, and help YOU get to where you need to be. You know we all care about you, and will always be there for you in any way we can.
Happy birthday, Lori. It's nice to see you coming home at last ;)
~Kate~
Hi Lori,
I too am on my second try. I've been at it now for about 4 months and let me tell you it does get easier. Just be true to yourself and don't let anyone else tell you different!
I initially started out about a year and a half ago. I wanted to get it started, done, and move on. Big mitake on my part. I rushed into therapy. Told my family and started HRT. About 1 month into HRT I had a meltdown and stopped everything. I couldn't handle it. Since I rushed into everything I didn't give myself time to soak it all in and truly think about everything. I told my family that I wasn't going through with it, stopped therapy, stopped electro., and stopped HRT (sadly). I thought, just like you and many of us, that I could ignore it and make it go away. Like you I found out the hard way that it will never go away.
I am now about 4 months into my second try and it feels sooo much better. I have yet to tell my family again, but as I progress further it gets easier and easier to accept and handle. I'm just glad that I realized my mistake soon enough. In a way I am glad since it gave me a "glimpse" into the aftermath. For instance, I know that my family would fully support me and love me unconditionally.
Keep at it and don't give up. Soon enough you'll reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow :)
Lovingly,
Sarah
Congrats on moving ahead with your life with round two. You'll be giving that GID the knockout punch by the time you're through! :) Good luck!
Hugs,
Rhonda
Thank you all.
Sarah, I told many the first time around including my best friend. He is having a hard time with it but will always be there for me. He called the other night to tell me he loves me and if there is anything I need, let him know.
My mom is for the lack of better words....excited. She always wanted a daughter. She called the other night to discuss her new shoes and necklace :D
My step dad doesnt care one way or the other. He is probably the nicest man I have ever met. Since my real dad and I parted ways 18 years ago I do not feel a loss with that. My immediate office manager knows and a few people at work do as well. As time goes on more and more will "notice" something.
My spouse, she needs me to do this for her as well. I'm not going to say she is 100% supportive of it, but "By god, you are going to do this and finish it!!" were her last words. "You need to do this, you should do this, just get it over with!!".
Alice hon, you are miserable. You have been for some time. I hope you can find the relief you are seeking. I cannot tell you what to do, only you know, deep down inside, what it is your heart desires. The longer you deny it, the worse off you will be. I know in the pit of my stomach, just below my heart, that fire of excitement is burning. At last I have chosen to be me. It gets overshadowed with fear from my brain and if I start dwelling on it I get really scared. But I must focus on the inside, deep down, and that fire that is burning hotter than ever comforts me by letting me know I am making the right decision. Its what my heart has always desired. To be a woman, to be myself, to be me. An hour after putting on that first E patch I realised I am now seeing through my own eyes. I am not the person inside looking out of somebody elses eyes. They are now mine. I have always felt as if I was wearing a mask, hidden behind a male front out of control. Stop thinking about things Alice and follow your heart. It will not steer you wrong. Your brain programmed by society will.
Kate...you owe me lol.
Tink, hopefully I will retain my sense of humor :P
Cindi...my chin is up. Finaly....I must remember to keep it there and roll with the punches should any come my way.
Quote from: Lori on May 23, 2007, 07:15:52 AM
Kate...you owe me lol.
LOL, hey, YOU'RE the one who got ME to transition! It's all your fault.
So I like to think I've returned the favour now :)
Payback, as they say, is a...
~Kate~
*Long tight hug and mummers something unintelligible in your ear before letting you go again*...
Lori, please feel free to pester me at will.
LOL, I'll lace up my pink gloves rhondabythebay
Kate, you and I have a looong ways to go. Have fun with me this year.
Thank you Kimberly, I will remember when I'm in a pestering mood >:D
Quote from: Lori on May 23, 2007, 07:15:52 AM
Alice hon, you are miserable. You have been for some time. I hope you can find the relief you are seeking. I cannot tell you what to do, only you know, deep down inside, what it is your heart desires. The longer you deny it, the worse off you will be. I know in the pit of my stomach, just below my heart, that fire of excitement is burning. At last I have chosen to be me. It gets overshadowed with fear from my brain and if I start dwelling on it I get really scared. But I must focus on the inside, deep down, and that fire that is burning hotter than ever comforts me by letting me know I am making the right decision. Its what my heart has always desired. To be a woman, to be myself, to be me. An hour after putting on that first E patch I realised I am now seeing through my own eyes. I am not the person inside looking out of somebody elses eyes. They are now mine. I have always felt as if I was wearing a mask, hidden behind a male front out of control. Stop thinking about things Alice and follow your heart. It will not steer you wrong. Your brain programmed by society will.
Thank you Lori,
I remember when Bri would say someting like
"Alice: you have tortured yourself over this for far to long". And last night I relised I am still torturing myself. Still wanting a logical way out instead of listening to my heart. Today it has softly said "I wish I was female". So I guess I will listern to it more carfuly.
Alice
I think that's great that you're going through your transition this time around. Congrats :)
Well for those that are interested I have uploaded a pic of what I look like now (pre-transition) to kind of see how things change over the coming months. I suppose I did this to also get your opinion on how passable I may or not be in the future and any ffs issues i may be facing in the future.
I'm 5'8", size 8 womens feet, and currently 189 lbs so I have a long ways to go before I pass.
I started a small dose of HRT two weeks ago, and my full dose started today.
This is just me and how I look now without trying to pass. Today is the day I officially start my transition.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=gallery;sa=view;id=652
Quote from: Lori on June 01, 2007, 02:51:48 PM
I did this to also get your opinion on how passable I may or not be in the future and any ffs issues i may be facing in the future.
LOL, you KNOW my opinion... FFS issues, rofl... will you pass? lol...
You look female NOW! Deal with it! NO adam's apple, features are already so rounded and feminine... tiny hands... perfect height...
And YOU worry???? Omg Lori, if I looked like you I woulda done this years ago...
Now get some more feminine clothes and take another pic!
~Kate~
Um, to be blunt, I agree with Kate. I honestly found nothing to really solidify 'male' to my perceptions. So, um, pretty good start I think Kiddo (=
Lori,
I've had minor FFS, brow bossing (type I not enormous) +rhino (my nose long, but not wide)
From the front view, I think you'll do very fine.
You've got a very small rounded chin that's not very tall, your jawline seems not very large.
You already have some fat on you face, the hairline looks fine and the nose bridge is not large.
You're brow bossing is female like (from this angle).
Of course, we can all look better with cosmetic surgery, but you don't need it too pass (FOR SURE).
Wait till HRT puts more fat on your face on you'll see what I mean :-).
I agree completely with the others on this one. You'll definately have no problem passing once you go full time. As far as FFS, it will be purely enhancement surgery at that point, if you decide to do anything at all.
Wow, nice to finally meet you my pickle lady. Yes, you will pass. Just give it six months tops, and men will be giving you funny looks at the men's room. IMHO, you don't have one of those faces which I call maculine. In fact, I honestly think that you look rather feminine already (even on your first day), now imagine how my views are going to change in six months from now... ;)
and you know I am brutally honest even though some of you may consider me a bitch. LOL ;D Welcome to your new life hon. We have been waiting for you. :)
tink :icon_chick:
Thanks Icarus,
Thanks for that - I relise I need to relax and enjoy who I am. I am sure you look fine and can relax as well - your acvtar Pic is very nice.
Alice
Thank you all for commenting on my pic. One never knows until they ask. We are our own worst critics. I don't see how I'll ever be female but I am sure many who start down this path think and feel the same way.
One thing I am confused about is my spouse. She is either delusional or in denial. She basically says that she sees very little changing in me except for growing boobs. Maybe she feels due to my age not much will change in me or there is not enough male about me that I won't change that much.
The other day she said I would never pass as female without FFS as well. Maybe she is right, or maybe its wishful thinking on her part? I don't know. Maybe she is struggling harder than she is letting on.
Lori,
Your wife is lashing out, its the normal first phase.
This is a bit like a 12 steps program for her, acceptance doesn''t come first.
She's got to mourn who you were before she accepts who you are and will become.
It took you years to come to this point, it won't happen overnight for her.
As for changes, your just starting HRT, the first few months, the facial changes are seemingly imperceptible until they pass a threshold where cummulatively they have an impact. Look at my picts, or Kate's pics, our before pics were more male than yours but, 10 months later I can't even pass as male in the most drab clothes possible without makeup.
Quote from: Keira on June 02, 2007, 11:07:44 AM
Lori,
Your wife is lashing out, its the normal first phase.
This is a bit like a 12 steps program for her, acceptance doesn''t come first.
She's got to mourn who you were before she accepts who you are and will become.
It took you years to come to this point, it won't happen overnight for her.
As for changes, your just starting HRT, the first few months, the facial changes are seemingly imperceptible until they pass a threshold where cummulatively they have an impact. Look at my picts, or Kate's pics, our before pics were more male than yours but, 10 months later I can't even pass as male in the most drab clothes possible without makeup.
Well she has know for 10 years, I think she is as scared as I am. Not knowing the future. I believe she is focusing on Susan Stanton who was able to hide two years of HRT and still work as male. She thinks it won't change me that much like Susan. I was thinking things would take longer than 10 mos. since I just turned 39.
Lori,
I'm 39... And look at me. I'll be using a 36D by the 18 month mark and
I've been able to go into women's restroom without a bat of the eye since
month 4!!
Obviously, its all individual, but you can't count slow devellopment.
Passing as male is easier than passing as a women, and if you were
originally a man and nobody knows you are going through the process
and you dress in manly clothes, then how could one assume the opposite.
The rest of presentation kind of obcures the facial changes.
Its not because you hide it that there are no changes, Kate is also "hiding it" (don't know how exactly!!) but its obvious that if she dresses in all female clothes there is no way she passes for anything but a woman. As she said, its her own self-perception which is what holds her back.
If you saw Susan Stanton's picture as a woman when she went to capitol hill, you see that she does look very feminine and passable, no question. Maybe you should show that to your wife!