I mentioned recently on another post that what I did when I came out as trans is I made a small book of approximately 30 pages that explained to friends and family who I was and answered questions that may pop up, or that my family and friends might have felt uncomfortable asking me. I found it to be so helpful and the reason for my success with coming out. So far I have not been rejected by anyone. So because of my success I figured I may as well share this secret book formula so that anyone else who might be struggling with how to come out to friends and family will have this as an option.
I printed each page to fit into a book that was about 4in x 6in. This made it small enough that people could keep them in their pockets or discreetly read it in public. I hand-bound each one as well, too make it more personal. You don't have to do that, that's just what I did.
Step 1: Copy paste all the following questions into a word document, answer every question honestly.
Step 2: Set it up into a book format, print, bind and give to those close to you.
This book was originally done by myself (an FTM) but I used an MTF's book to base it off of, so even though it's written with FTM lingo it's very easy to convert it over for a MTF situation. Even though this is fairly in depth, expect some awkward questions. Answer their questions calmly and honestly. Though this worked well for me, you may not have the same outcome, though I hope you do!
Without further ado, the questions:
Introduction: Re-introduce yourself briefly. This is what I went with:
QuoteIf you are reading this, it means that i've come out to you as a trans-man. Within these pages I hope to answer any questions you may have but either didn't think of at the time of our conversation or were uncomfortable to ask me.
Terms Define what each term means to you, this will help those close to you navigate your new way of speaking ;)
Binding:
FTM:
Full Time:
MTF:
Non-op:
Outing:
Part Time:
Passing:
Post-op:
Read: (wanted to clear up any confusion on this term, I'm referring to being "read". When someone else, be they part of the LGBT community or not see you as you birth gender not your true gender. Example: "Mr. Smith read me. He could tell I was a transman." Similar to outing.)
Subtle Non-Verbal Behaviors:
T:
Transsexual:
Transgender:
Transitioning: Basic Questions
1. How long have you been this way?
2. Is this a choice?
3. Doesn't this mean you are gay?
4. What is transition?
5. Just how will you ever look male?
- Chest Reconstruction Surgery (explain it, address if you intend to get it at the time of writing)
- Hysterectomy (explain it, address if you intend to get it at the time of writing)
- Genital Reconstruction Surgeries (explain it, address if you intend to get it at the time of writing)
6. What effects do hormones have?
7. Does this mean you will change?
8. Are you sure that your therapist hasn't pressured you into this?
9. I've heard of Gender Reassignment surgery - Is that your goal?A Few Pointy Questions
1. Why make this change now?
2. Why didn't you tell me earlier?
3. How do you expect to make a living?
4. You must be insane
What About...?
1. What does this mean for our friendship?
2. How do I refer to you?
3. Why (your name)?
4. I'm feeling quite uncomfortable...
(use this one to assure them that their discomfort is perfectly understandable and that you will answer any questions they may still have. Tell them to take some time to get used to the idea and assure them they will become more comfortable with time.)
5. I have other questions to ask you...
(Encourage them to either ask you or do their own resource using....)
Good Resources:
Use this section to list good websites (Like Susans) for them visit to seek answers and more information. It's important to provide these resources because there are a lot of bad websites out there that will not help you in getting them to accept you. If you have any questions, or need any clarification on how to answer a certain question, as away! I'm here to help.
Edited to fix some spelling and grammar issues and to add an explanation to the term 'read'.
Wow that's a very good idea! Thanks for the help! :)
Thank you for posting this. I think it's a good idea to share with friends, family (as sometimes I have trouble formulating my thoughts into coherent sentences). I love it :)
Nice, this is a pretty neat idea, thanks for sharing!
I've always expressed myself best through my art, so I'm currently working on a little 3-page comic to try to depict how I got to where I am. Not so much about what it means that I'm trans, but more just to show how it evolved in me from childhood to now, and how I express this idea that I'm male. It started out as an assignment from my therapist, but I'm planning on using it when I come out to my family.
However, I might definitely use these questions as an addendum to explain in more detail specifically what being trans means to me. Certainly would help open up communication (I hope).
Thanks man, I just started my book
Brilliant! I've been looking for something like this for my parents and will start it tomorrow. Thank you so much!
Joey
I'm glad this is proving useful for everyone. Feel free to mod it to your hearts content and again i'm here to answer any questions regarding the template you may have!
What a cool idea!
Thank you sooooo much, this is a fantastic idea, I will be starting asap. ;D
I will be giving my parents a copy each, as I have been wondering how to come out to them!
Thank you!
Angela
No problem Angela, happy to help.
Did you illustrate yours? I am thinking of putting the gingerbread man thing in mine.
This is so amazing. I've tried to come out to my mother many times through letter. I always end up being over emotional and not giving her the letter, but I think this is perfect. Thank you!
Mine personally was not illustrated past the Transsexual icon (https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQmWCSo3DJsKVb3W9DuUTrM8QU54VAx6Iwt7M7GhJOZctGikEpm) on the very first page. I wanted to keep it small enough, and not flashy so the people I gave them to could read them on the bus or train and not be harassed by other curious people. However I say if you have strong drawing skills or want to add art to it by all means do so!
Such a great idea! I need to get started on one. Well a few so certain people have copies. I love this idea! Thank you so much for sharing with us Bastian!
Sorry for reviving this topic, but I ran into an article today on BuzzFeed that reminded me of this thread.
For those who may not be creative enough or have enough time on their hands to write their own coming out book, there's now an illustrated book that discusses gender and the trans umbrella.
The Gender Book Everyone Should Read article discusses the book (http://www.buzzfeed.com/lilyhiottmillis/the-gender-book-everyone-should-read) and shows some of the illustrations. The entire book (roughly 70 pages) and the booklet (just a couple pages) are available as a free pdf download on the creator's website (http://www.thegenderbook.com/the-booklet/4561649703). I haven't read the entire book yet, but it looks wicked cute and very informative. It's written by people who fall under the trans umbrella and who received lots of input from the T community.