.
Hmmm, I think I when I wear male clothing is when I feel uneasy and uncomfortable especially in public now that I have begun transition.
Quote from: muuu on February 22, 2013, 04:03:25 AM
I also attempted to cook rice (first time >.<, but it went quite well).
I've only done instant rice. That's easy too :P
I spend my afternoons working from a "co-working society" designed to keep people from going crazy working from home. I've found that being around attractive girls again sets me off... but it's also a good opportunity for me to observe them so I can practice how they move on my own.
I agree with EmSchuma, being around a pretty girl makes me super jealous and I get upset =/
As for rice, I won't even go there, I love my microwave! No.....I don't cook rice with it lol
Stress, facial hair, forgetting to take morning dose of hrt, eating bad food, going to the men's bathroom, wearing male clothing, being dirty, talking like a man, talking to myself in a male voice, being called 'sir' at work.... All I can remember off the top of my head
Mine is probably any women or girl sadly.. I tend to look at the ground in shame if I walk by or they walk by me.. Which is like 99% of the time. Also looking at the mirror does it for me. Rather not look at my ugly self.
Quote from: Heavenlywind on February 22, 2013, 08:04:24 AM
Mine is probably any women or girl sadly.. I tend to look at the ground in shame if I walk by or they walk by me.. Which is like 99% of the time. Also looking at the mirror does it for me. Rather not look at my ugly self.
I'm sure you're lovely. Don't look down in shame sweetie.
I didn't even think about looking in the mirror. That's definitely one that bothers me often because I'm constantly looking for change and so I'm constantly bothered.
Quote from: Heavenlywind on February 22, 2013, 08:04:24 AM
Mine is probably any women or girl sadly.. I tend to look at the ground in shame if I walk by or they walk by me.. Which is like 99% of the time. Also looking at the mirror does it for me. Rather not look at my ugly self.
It's that and more for me. It's how others perceives me that hurts the worst. I'm two months on hormones and I'm pretty huge mostly in the upper torso. I just hate how others perceive me especially those close to me.
The mirror is defiantly depressing. Have you ever watched Mulan and listened to the song reflection.
"Why does my relection show someone I don't know...
"When will my reflection show who I am inside"
I don't know, I still doubt I can make it. It seems like my dysphoria is everywhere with no one to hug who can offer me support... A shoulder to cry over. *sigh* I'm sorry I guess I'm just everybody's problem.
.
Quote from: BurningBrilliance on February 22, 2013, 08:50:45 AM
I don't know, I still doubt I can make it. It seems like my dysphoria is everywhere with no one to hug who can offer me support... A shoulder to cry over. *sigh* I'm sorry I guess I'm just everybody's problem.
But that's why you're here, right? * virtual hug *
Mirrors can be terrible things at times. And for years every girl I see could make me feel she has something I can never have, and her looks or age really don't matter.
I went to bed early the last two nights also, so you're not the only one muuu. But I have an injection today and I hope it turns things around.
Kathy
Ugh.. triggers. That time of the month really gets to me, because for five days I have a constant reminder. Sometimes masturbating and sex because it doesn't feel right, but not always because sometimes I can get past those feelings. Having to wear the wrong clothing, like female clothing when I really don't want to. People saying 'good girl' or 'you're my girl' or basically anything like that. Looking in the mirror is a massive one as well.
Definitely mirrors. Also, pictures of me in male clothes. Having to present as masculine at work. My voice on the phone. Being around a lot of cisgendered men at one time. Being around pretty girls doesn't trigger me, it just makes me envious and I have to try no to stare as I watch their mannerisms and movements.
Quote from: AnarchoChloe on February 22, 2013, 10:36:15 AM
Being around pretty girls doesn't trigger me, it just makes me envious and I have to try no to stare as I watch their mannerisms and movements.
I have to agree on that point. I feel jealous all the time and I don't like the feeling.
As for my triggers? The mirror is a big one but I also find the shower is, I can't stand it, increasingly lately, have to look at the wall. I work in a field where we have a lot of lifestyle posters and advertising, I find that they can also set off my GD, but one of the worst things for me is men's underwear, even jockeys are loose and allow way too much movement it's that slight movement, ever so small that can set off my body dysphoria in the biggest way, some days I just want to scream.
C.
The shower is a huge one for me as well. For the most part I'm able to avoid looking down, but on leg shaving days things get really maudlin really quickly. Actually, all of my body hair is a huge trigger. I can not wait until the chest hair is gone for good.
Seeing a nicely shaped female, getting hit on by a cute guy, seeing myself naked. The worst though is when I get sincerely asked out by a nice guy, makes me feel so damned freakish knowing that I can't because of my body.
Short answer, everything
Long answer:
mirrors
male clothes
being refered to as male
my male voice
my male bits
body hair
facial hair
my masculine features
seeing women (I hate them, the jealousy gets overwhelming)
Seeing men (how dare they be comfortable with their gender)
seeing mothers pushing prams (i'll never know the joy & pain of childbirth)
the worst of the lot right now is smelling like a man (it's disgusting, repulsive & at times I smell myself & want to throw up)
Quote from: muuu on February 22, 2013, 04:03:25 AM
I think basically pictures of females, not necessarily super models, but females with some flaws who still look so very feminine.
Yeah, this. These images of imperfection make them seem more tangible.
Also, pregnant and nursing women are triggers for me as those are things I'll never have.
Touching my face and feeling stubble, even if it's clearly not visible to anyone else.
Oh, and showers. I limit those to once a week.
Male clothing is actually a trigger for me, however I for now I have to deal with it, however a big trigger for me is going to the bathroom, that gets me every time...
-Christina
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 22, 2013, 08:15:00 AM
I'm sure you're lovely. Don't look down in shame sweetie.
Thanks, although for myself I doubt I won't believe it until I see it.
Quote from: BurningBrilliance on February 22, 2013, 08:50:45 AM
The mirror is defiantly depressing. Have you ever watched Mulan and listened to the song reflection.
"Why does my relection show someone I don't know...
"When will my reflection show who I am inside"
I have not seen that movie in 11 years or 10... Makes me feel kind of old now.. The worst part is I know by looking at the ground I know I bring more attention to myself than I need to. Which in turn brings more people to look at me and I guess the way I dress does that as well.
You can cry on my virtual shoulder anytime though :).
Boy mode for work is a constant trigger
Seeing cute girls out and about that dont take care of themselves at all...do they even realize what they've got?
Mirrors
my mail order catalogs with all the pictures taunting me...grrrrr
I do have some decent things I like about myself so I try hard to focus on those to keep me going for now :)
I'm with you for boy mode for work. Hardly a day goes by without me retreating to the bathroom for a good cry because I have to project that front and wear that costume. I know I'm going to have to change jobs before coming out entirely, but having to maintain this false facade drives me crazy.
Donna from the new Dr Who series did it to me last night.
Quote from: Emily Elizabeth on February 22, 2013, 08:59:15 PM
Donna from the new Dr Who series did it to me last night.
Donna Noble? How?
C.
Quote from: AwishForXX on February 22, 2013, 10:27:47 PM
Donna Noble? How?
C.
I just find her very attractive and that seems to be a trigger for me.
Pretty woman, walking down the street... pretty woman... the kind I'd like to meet... pretty woman. :icon_cry2:
Quote from: Cassandra Hyacinth on February 22, 2013, 01:43:24 PM
Touching my face and feeling stubble, even if it's clearly not visible to anyone else.
Oh, and showers. I limit those to once a week.
I forget to mentiojn the stubble eben though evry time i feel it i hasve the urge to pull out my shave r, at the moment i shave every couple of hours (or more).
I have a pair of underwear that I wera inthe shower so i don't have that thing moving aganst me or get8ing into my line of sight as i'm washing legs or feet.
when i have a bath i have to use bbath oils that turn the water miky, it meand i dont' see what i've got, unfortunatly my hostel doesnt have a bath
The big thing for me is anytime I'm reminded I still have a male appearance:
"Sir"... :embarrassed:
"See that guy over there? Yeah, talk to him"... :(
*answering phone* "Hello?" "Yes, is Beth there?" "This is Beth"...*long pause*...."Hello Beth, this is..." ::)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on February 22, 2013, 10:53:18 PM
The big thing for me is anytime I'm reminded I still have a male appearance:
"Sir"... :embarrassed:
"See that guy over there? Yeah, talk to him"... :(
*answering phone* "Hello?" "Yes, is Beth there?" "This is Beth"...*long pause*...."Hello Beth, this is..." ::)
I get that all nthe time, i'm having to go to lotsof meetins to try & get a home, i go to receptions & have to give my name more than once evry time, the always claim the ydidn't hear me first time but htey heard fine.
the phone one happens loads as well, obviuosly i need to work on my voice ore
I have been finding lately that when I untuck after a full day of being tucked, I feel like things are 3 feet in front of me. This just makes the body dysphoria much worse. and all i want to do is go hide in my bed.
Colleen.
My voice at times triggers me, not all the time mind you (Mostly when I slip up and let myself consciously register what I sound like.) but enough that i might decided to be a self imposed mute at some point in the future until I can fix it.
The part of town I work in is very uppity and image obsessed. There are lot's of fancy stores that I'll never be able to shop at. I see so many girls that all pretty and happy and totally oblivious and it makes me feel so out of place and self conscious. I have to go into Sephora all the time and it's like this entire world that is so out of my reality. Jealousy is unbearable.
But even when I see girls that I don't find attractive, it sets me off too. When I see a girl with wasted potential I just want to scream at them about how lucky they are and what they're wasting.
Being around guys just makes me roll my eyes and not want to have anything to do with them.
The bathroom mirror at work is a killer. It's the worst lighting and the ugliest room and every time I look in it I feel ugly and worthless and ashamed and then pissed off.
Getting "ma'am" from people before they correct themselves. That's a real tough one because I feel like I've made them feel bad. This happens at least once a week. Today I went to pick up lunch with 2 female coworkers and when we paid the clerk said "You ladies enjoy the rest of your day...oh, and you too." I wanted to die and it makes me feel so much worse about wishing I was just accepted like that.
I think at this point it's safer to ask me what doesn't trigger it.
The biggest ones for me right now are my body hair, which I loathe. There's a word for what I'm like: Hirsute. It's disgusting, and it's too much really to keep shaving off. Right now I only do my face and arms, but I hate doing my face because my skin is so sensitive I'm left raw and hurting for the rest of the day. It's why I had always had a full beard up until my epiphany. Not because I thought I looked good, but because I didn't really feel like causing myself pain on a regular basis.
Mirrors are my enemy. I hate the way I look. It's not uncommon for me to look at myself and think 'there's no way I'm ever going to pass.' I haven't even tried on anything girly yet because I know as soon as I see myself, I'm going to think that I look like a gorilla in a dress, and that's what everybody else is going to see and they're just going to all laugh at me.
I hate the sound of my voice. Moreso, I hate how it vibrates my throat, my chest, my head, because it's a nice deep baritone. The irony is I answer phones for a living right now, so I have to hear myself speak all the time. Yesterday I nearly ended the day in tears because I talked so much and became so self conscious about it. It was bad enough that I called in sick today just so that I didn't have to go through that again.
When it's at it's worst I feel like giving up on life. I don't know how I'm going to go about transitioning when everything is just a reminder of how ugly I am, and I'm afraid that I'm going to be stuck just as I am, and nothing is going to change.
My arms, shoulders and chest (not the boobs part)
Quote from: TiffanyT on February 26, 2013, 10:13:39 PM
But even when I see girls that I don't find attractive, it sets me off too. When I see a girl with wasted potential I just want to scream at them about how lucky they are and what they're wasting.
Sooooo true, Tiffany! It was actually this that finally gave me the push I needed to pursue transition. They have a form I have dreamt of my whole life and they're destroying it with sedentary living and fast food. That's their prerogative, I guess, but it frustrates me to no end. But then, if they can have it and waste it, what's stopping me from getting it other than my own fear?
Yeah, I know. The grass is always greener... it is in no way my intention to ever shame anyone over their body type. Everyone is facing something difficult in their lives and I don't need to add to it by judging them on what they choose to do with their bodies.
.
I have a "Newtons Law" about triggers, for every bad trigger I try to find a an "equal or opposite" nice trigger...try to focus on the good points you have, eventually it helps cancel out the bad ones, and trust me I have some triggers that can really get me down :(
Bad point...my youth has slipped away from my face :(
One of my good points is my hips and waist, so happy that I have always had a natural girly waistline :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi244.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fgg4%2FKR3259%2Fodds%2520n%2520ends%2F8bbd66ed-6843-43b3-a8ae-f1ebceaa7f1d.jpg&hash=39b3938134cb70599e5a9ff724000f824c78820c)
Not a fan of mirrors... and anything that reminds me of my body hair will be uncomfortable, as well.
I feel like I'd be fine, though, if I could just take someone else's face and swap 'em. Guess I'd better take a course in Black Magic and Wizardry.