I thought of this when I read the "Why is denial easier" topic.
I had never really thought of my behaviour and feelings about my gender as "denial", but a lot of what was brought up as examples of denial... I am exactly that way.
There's always some reason it's not okay for me to transition. Always a reason it's either morally wrong, or I'll never pass, or the therapist wouldn't let me have hormones, or my family will reject me. There's not really evidence for any of these things. I have some supportive friends. Most online, but still... I do have friends who're happy to regard me as a lady and do exactly that. I'll deny myself to these people too though, on occasion. Especially when I'm either sad, or frustrated.
When I'm frustrated, and there seems to be no easy way out, I want to say "fine world! You win! I'm a boy!" and then I'll cry about it, and self-pity and feel temporarily a small bit better, though not enough to make up for all the sadness. And then I get back to how I was - longing to be a girl, but feeling like I can't be because I've rejected it so many times.
There's always some reason, in my mind, why it's not okay for me to do this. Some excuse to stay the course and remain a guy.
I don't know. I'm having a hard time making sense of myself.
I know exactly how you feel so you aren't alone. I have done built a life around being a man. As for morally wrong, don't worry about it. Ill never pass, move to a place that is more accepting. As for a doctor not giving you hormones, really can't answer that one from personal experience. I have a significant other and really feel trapped but if I could go back to my younger days before marriage and all. I would move to a place more accepting while transitioning and would just go for it all the way and start a new me.
I was in that frame of thinking for a long time. There were a million reasons to stay the way I was, there were a million reasons I wasn't "really" trans ::) The hormone issue was huge for me too, and still is. I have an extensive psych history, I don't know if I'll be approved for hormones. But I look at it now as a way to motivate myself to be physically and mentally healthy, or work towards it. I guess what I'm saying is that the same way there's always an excuse to keep you stuck, there's always a counter argument. For me I had to reach a breaking point and realize I couldn't go on the way I was.