So, I've come out to the majority of my family. And most are cool, they can see this making sense in the context of how I've always been and stuff. Most are still on the fence though, like in that they aren't being rude or hurtful, but like they act like it's this thing I should be ashamed of and hide from the rest of the world. And I they still treat me like I'm a girl. I'm getting more and more confident the further I get transitioning, the more people come out to etc. But I'm being told things like, "don't come out on facebook, you don't want that out on the internet for everyone to see" "Don't tell people, you don't want them judging you for this" like I know it's because they care, but I don't feel ashamed of myself for being trans, for the first time in so long, and I kind of feel insulted. All of my friends who are around my age who I've told have no problems with it, so I don't know if it's a generational thing.
But it's like to the point where they are actively trying to tell me how I should transition, which I'm not cool with. Besides the fact that I have a lot clearer of an idea of how it's supposed to go, for me at least. No, I don't want to wait until I'm on T to be completely out and full time ::)
Maybe I'm asking too much. Idk ???
I just wish I could move somewhere far away where nobody knew me so I could start fresh. Don't have to deal with people using the wrong pronouns, treating me like I'm a girl (like wtf, why are you offering to give me girl clothes you don't want when you know I'm getting rid of all of mine ::) ) and being ashamed of me, or for me.
it's definitely a generational thing. and a geographical thing.
like for me? I'm in California and I haven't had a single peer diss me for this. my only obstacle has been family accepting it and helping to support me make an early leap in the process.
With my family it's partly a generation thing but my brother who's had a trans person working for him struggled to come to terms with it.
He's 5yrs older than me but he's known me as male for 35 yrs so I believe every family member needs time to adjust regardless of age.
The trans person my brother knew was born both male & female, he was told he had to choose a gender as the imbalance was killing him, he was told he wouldn't survive much more than 2 yrs so he chose to be female but couldn't live with it after the transition & ended up de-transitioning, i'm sure this played a big part in his difficulty accepting my news.
It took my brother 6 months to a year to accept it (I didn't keep track of dates so it's a rough guess), it's taken my mother a whisker over 2 yrs, yesterday was the first time i've been able to raise the topic without the conversation going pear shaped.
Personal experiences can vastly influence acceptance, non family members who've know trans people before knowing me are instantly accepting, more so if the person they knew was happier after transition.
My homophobic dad was a lost cause from day one but that was no great shock
My then super religious sister was perfectly OK about me,we were always fairly close but me being TS brought us closer.Strangely my Mum who has extremely homophobic and racist opinions was OK and my laid back Dad took the most time to come round.
My family is progressive, thanks to my politics and debating, so they're cool with it. They don't understand, but they don't care. I guess my Mom kinda does, but she doesn't say anything about it. I haven't reached out to my entire family, but the people here don't care so it doesn't matter, I guess.
I went few days ago to the doctor for hrt and told it to my mother the day before. It is nothing new for her, but each time she tries to give me good reasons not to do it or she tries to tell me things that bring me down. She is always ready to help me when I need it but when it comes to speaking about it, she'll do everything to get me on what she thinks is best for me. I told her that she is transphobic because she keeps on using a word in french that is way worse than "->-bleeped-<-" and keeps on calling mtf that we see around "he" even if my sister and me tell her that it is insulting. The hard part is she helps but it feels that she helps just to keep a chance to make my transition fail. It's an old story, since I'm very very young this thing is obvious, and with some little help I would have not say no to do it before puberty... I'm 26, she really has done all she could do and now here I come!... Even without HRT 98% of the time people call me miss (that was one of her argument : you don't need it you look already feminine, everything to stop will do even if she is the first to say "no he's a man!") So yes, I know what it is! :P
I had 3brothers, no sisters, my 2older brothers excepted my transition, my Mother was trilled she was finally gaining a daughter, my Dad just excepted it becaused my Mother did.
But it was my next brother who did everything to discourage me from transition, we did everything together when we where young, first 16years of my life he only ever knew me as his younger brother, he just found it very hard to except me as a girl, as my transition progressed with the changes, he soon discovered it wasn't a phase, he just didn't understand me, when I finally had srs he reluctantly finally excepted me that I was now a woman. He used to say to me ''he could understand a woman wanting to be a guy, but could never understand a guy wanting to be a woman'' when I got married nearly 3years ago, he ask me did I have regrets, Iv absolutely none I replyed, I love being a woman, he misses the old me, I don't, I love the way I am now, the woman Iv become.
Pauline
Quote from: pretty pauline on March 07, 2013, 09:14:45 AM
He used to say to me ''he could understand a woman wanting to be a guy, but could never understand a guy wanting to be a woman'' when I got married nearly 3years ago, he ask me did I have regrets, Iv absolutely none I replyed, I love being a woman, he misses the old me, I don't, I love the way I am now, the woman Iv become.
wow sounds like this brother has some serious underlying misogyny issues that are his hangup
or maybe he is using the veneer of misogyny to deal with his unprocessed feelings of losing his older brother
well, I kind of get it. as an MTF I can never imagine somebody wanting a boy. I just hate it so much. So perhaps it's something like that.
Quote from: tomthom on March 07, 2013, 03:45:15 PM
well, I kind of get it. as an MTF I can never imagine somebody wanting a boy. I just hate it so much. So perhaps it's something like that.
I get it too, but the reason we get it because of our own self-hatred for our assigned at birth gender.
It is a different matter when a cis male feels that way, though, and it stems from the fact they consciously or subconsciously feel a woman is a lesser person than a man.
while likely, let's not jump the gun.
Quote from: spacerace on March 07, 2013, 03:05:05 PM
wow sounds like this brother has some serious underlying misogyny issues that are his hangup
Hi Spacerace, lots of guys are like this, they seem to think women are silly and vulnerable.
Quote from: spacerace on March 07, 2013, 04:23:58 PM
It is a different matter when a cis male feels that way, though, and it stems from the fact they consciously or subconsciously feel a woman is a lesser person than a man.
Thats what I mean, if Im in a store with my husband which happen resently, we bought a new printer, the guy was explaining its working to hubby, then 2other store guys, they all got chatting, I asked a question about ink cartridges and they rolled their eyes and totally ignored me. Lots of guys think a woman is a lesser person than a man, its a lack of respect for women.
When I worked in accounts before I got married, we used to have weekly meetings, I would put forward ideas but never taken seriously, women expected to make coffee while guys made decisions. I certainly don't miss it, Im now a fulltime housewife.
I discussed it with my brother a long time ago the way some guys treat women, and his answer was, well pauline sweetie, you decided to become a woman, now deal with it, with an attitude like that, you can't win.
Still he has got better over the years, he did give me a big hug and kiss on my wedding day, maybe age is finally catching up, sorry for the rant, rant over.
Pauline.
I came out to my older brother first, because I thought he would be the most receptive. Instead, he became Gandalf to me, the transBalrog:
You shall not pass!!!!!
He came around eventually...
N.J.
lol, the first reaction of my family was the same, everyone said "To be a woman, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" except for my wife, who is very supportive.
Then everyone were worried of my future, trying to convince me that I will definitely be severely discriminated and thus unable to make a living if I become a trans woman. Several of my dearest relatives who I loved so much kept persuading me like "It would be worse than death", which nearly drove me to suicide that night. -- Of course they will not realize how much they have hurt me. They just think they were educating a little child with an ill habit which must be corrected.
My mom is generally okay with it all, on the surface.
I mean, she keeps to herself the opinion that I'm just a delusional man on a path to self-destruction, but at least she's kind and decent around me.
I've had most of the spectrum of reactions in my family. I got relief, shock, denial, tears, and eye rolling. The eye-roller still argues with my every time I see her and plants false ideas in everyone else's heads behind my back because she's a manipulative old harpy. She makes up stories of "people she knows" detransitioning right away or dying from some really horrible complication from surgery. (In the mean time, she slipped up in the beginning and flat out said she'd never met a trans person before.) Just like with everything else, she's going to try to persuade me for a couple of years until something else happens in my life she thinks she can control. It's almost more comical than it is irritating.
Came out to my brother first (he's gay so I thought "hey he might be willing to be the most accepting"), didn't go well at all. He believed it was all in my head and not worth the pain and effort. He even came across as competitive in a way like I'm stealing his thunder for being gay or something. Recently he's been taunting me about estrogen and "man boobs" (emphasizing the man bit). I was disgusted with his behavior but then he calls me stuck up for brushing him off.
Came out to my mom second. It wasn't intentional, she found clothing so instead of lying I told her the truth. She seemed surprised and really didn't understand what it all meant. "Does that mean you're gay? or do you like girls?" these kinds of questions. She said she loved me and she's accepting. She heard the recent comments my brother made about the man boobs and estrogen. She then started going into all our family history about cancer, diabetes, heart disease, epilepsy, etc. She was tying it all back to too much estrogen and if I were to start taking it I would get all these diseases. I was pretty bummed out that she would actually say these things even after I had explained how all these diseases work and how my body is the least susceptible due to lifestyle choices.
Friends are the most supportive through the whole thing so far. They are truly the only ones who I have relied on for emotional support.
I progressively worked through my family telling my siblings and my parents, my son, and some of our friends and it all went quite well. My dad was ok with it but he said don't tell the rest of his family or his neighbor, so I cant tell he is uncomfortable with the thought of them knowing. The thing that surprised me was that when I told my wife's brother and his wife (who I get on with quite well), I haven't heard back from them. They went silent and recently messaged my wife asking her if she wants to move back to Seattle with them (we are in Australia). I understand their lack of knowledge about TS issues but it has been disappointing to see that they made no effort to ask me anything and they just assume that my wife must feel like dropping everything and running away. FWIW my partner knew about my trans self long before we got married.
I haven't come out yet, but this is one of my biggest fears. I am still dependent on my family, so I have a lot of pressure to maintain the status quo. So until I can get the independence I desire, I feel the need to keep it in. Not because I fear I will be hated or anything, but I do believe they will do everything to prevent me from making this change. To be honest, even though it doesn't appear this way, most family members are acting out of love. They don't understand these issues and have a hard time grasping our identities. As another poster said, they mistake it to have something to do with sexuality,lol. As a result, many feel we are deluded and are going to make things worse for ourselves by transitioning or expressing ourselves in our chosen manner. They fear that we are going to ruin our lives and make problems for ourselves in the future. What they don't realize is that this has been something we have lived with and considered for years. I don't think anyone would consider transitioning for the lolz. Generally speaking it is something needed for personal happiness even when factoring in the problems that could surface as a result. It's frustrating, but I do my best to see their point of view because its not something most people have to think about or come across. But that's why I choose to keep it in until I can support myself. I figure most people who really love you will come around with time. However, initial reactions can be bitter and reactionary. In my case, it would be a reaction out of love and a desire to protect me. So, I personally feel coming out is best when you can support yourself independently and have enough distance from the negative reactions. Eventually, most who love you will see that this is permanent and will be forced to accept and love the real you.
Summerbreeze,
I am sorry of your family situation. It is true that there will be some family members who react negatively in general and never come around. It is both sad and unfortunate. Yet, I have found that many can and do come around in their own way after absorbing the initial shock. It really is a manner of luck. Some will accept you initially, some will come around, some will partially accept it, and some will out right reject you. I guess, I fear these mixed reactions. I'd like to think that I will gain acceptance from my family, but you are right that we should not come to expect it.
As for loving parents knowing a child's identity, I have to disagree. While it's true that some parents shouldn't be shocked, some just don't see any warning signs. Many transgender individual don't express themselves overtly out of fear or shame. Sure, there may be warning signs, but parents aren't mind readers and can be very oblivious to their kids feelings/desires. It is a bit complex, and I believe it differs in each scenario. However, I do agree that parents should react with support and encouragement. Unfortunately, there is so much social stigma and confusion surrounding ->-bleeped-<- which usually makes getting initial support challenging.
Belonging to an older generation who grew up at a time and in a place where gender identity issues were simply not on the radar, my only experience of dealing with parents was when my mother discovered my collection of girls clothes. I was probaly about 15 or 16 at the time.
I ended up having to explain myself to both my Dad and my Mum and I think they were just as embarassed as I was so there was very little questioning and, in order to avoid everyone getting out of their depth, the whole incident was simply swept under the carpet. My two brothers and two sisters never heard about it. At the time I was just left with a feeling of great shame and the impression that I was all alone with a perversion that neither I nor anyone else could understand.
I quit home and country in 1976 when I was only 18. I finally came out to my brothers and sisters last summer. As we don't live in the same country, I haven't seen them since my Dad passed away a few years back. I was already on HRT for over a year at the time and they found my complexion a bit different but obviously couldn't put their fingers on it.
Strangely, given how distant we have been over the years, the reactions to my coming out were still quite passionnate, ranging from sadness and feelings of guilt at one end of the spectrum to incomprehension and anger at the other end.
Since then, three out of four of my siblings have adjusted quite well. One of my brothers even came to visit me last November. Unfortunately his visit coincided with a long electrolysis session so my appearance was a real mess but otherwise it went really well and we have actually been communicating more often since. I also expect to see my two sisters some time over the months ahead. With all three of them, I would say that on balance, my coming out has brought us closer or, at minimum, lead to more open conversations than we ever had before.
However, I have my eldest brother who has decided to shut me out of his life completely, even going as far as to disinvite me from his daughter's wedding no matter what way I proposed to show up. I feel some sorrow over this as I like my niece very much and also her husband to be but I think that at the end of the day it is more his loss than mine.
Against this, my experience with my friends has been overwhelming positive, right from the first time I came out with no one distancing themselves from me afterwards.
I have asked myself a few times why the reaction from my siblings, who I have relatively little contact with, was so much more passionnate than the reaction from friends with whom I have shared far more over the last 30+ years. I guess the answer is because family really is special. Our place in a family is almost built into our genes: boy, girl, eldest, youngest etc. and all of this is so deeply engrained that it is particularly difficult for family members to accept a change that upsets a status quo which has existed from those earliest, most formative years. For my eldest brother, I have remained to this day, the kid brother, someone he feels he needs to protect but also someone who should look up to him and listen to him. By going my own way, I have broken the rules and for now, he can't cope with the change. In his case, the fact that he is homophobic, transphobic and misogynous just happens to be an aggravating circomstance... :)
Anyway, all of that to say that going through a transition often does require establishing some distance from a family who will always have more difficulty accepting what appears to be a hugely radical change than others. If you are not yet independant it is even more difficult but even with family, it is amazing how much sorts itself out with time. Why, because family is always family.
Tant qu'il y a de la vie, il y a de l'espoir
Bises from France.
Donna