It's taken me some time to process and understand a rather enlightening weekend. Briefly, I've been getting out in the world ( not full-on public, just safe places ) girl mode in recent weeks. I can appear however I want in any of those places without fear of ridicule. Those places include my numerous therapists (voice, image, psych etc), and TG friendly restaurants/pubs/clubs etc. All of that is quite fun, and I enjoy getting out as such.
This weekend however, I pushed myself further than I should have, to get out in public properly. I really wanted to know what it was like, how I was able to blend in a crowd, how I fared with pass-ability, and how comfortable I was being clocked. I went to the largest shopping centre in the southern hemisphere, with another TG friend of mine. Neither of us pass 100%, and both being tall, we tended to attract a lot of attention. This was all new to me being first time out in public, but not my friend. As a result, I was watching for the reactions as we were noticed, and made, repeatedly. Most people were more than polite, but there were a couple of jerks who couldn't contain themselves. This made me feel extremely uncomfortable, to a point where I was unable to tolerate it and retreated after an hour and a half ( which isn't a bad effort considering, but still ).
The previous day, I was out and about in some form of boy mode ( as close as I get to it now ). I had obviously feminine clothing on, just a basic tee and shorts. All day I was getting puzzling looks and stares from people trying to figure out what I am. I believe that I appear fairly androgynous like such, and my therapist agrees. However, none of that attention bothers me in the slightest, so I've been trying to figure out why that doesn't bother me, yet getting clocked while en femme does. Such an immensely invaluable experience....
As far as I've been able to figure out ( and I'm still processing and figuring this out ), it's to do with the way I perceive myself, and the confidence related to being completely honest in appearance vs a false 'instant' pretence of where I'll eventually end up. While out in my current girly boy-mode, I'm being completely truthful in the way I present. This is me, that's where I'm at, I'm not masculine at all, I act femininely in all aspects, but still appear partially male. When I'm out en femme, I've got a wig on, a bunch of concealer to hide my facial hair shadow, and basically it's not a honest image. And it's evident... I can see my wig isn't real, so can other people. I can see the layer of concealer to hide shadow, so can other people. Honestly, I don't scrub up too bad while en femme, and can pass a minor majority of the time. But I still don't feel at ease.
So, resulting from this experience, I've been trying to decide how best to proceed through transition. I'm not interested in making life hard for myself, although it is a fine balancing act between time, GD, and physical effects from HRT. At this time, I'm considering taking the al-natural approach. That is, slowly going from a girly boy-mode, to androgynous, to a boyish girl, and finally girl. All without any pretence at all. I realise of course that I will get noticed much more that way, but it seems much more bearable compared to months of being clocked if I jump ahead faster.
So how do you deal with transitioning and appearance to the world? Do you go hammer-and-tong ( mind the aussie slang ) and just shrug off or ignore those who make you out? Do you take time and smell the roses while on the journey? Any other comments?
I think it's what you're comfortable with mixed with a little bit of risk. Whether it's the support you get from other people, or a self taught ability to "shrug" it off, as long as you are comfortable and engaged you are doing it right.
Personally I think I've been shrugging it big time since the start of high school, when I didn't even know why I was doing some of the things I was doing presentation-wise. WEIRD stuff... I put myself in a lot of embarrassing situations, but actually after a while it started to give me some sort of satisfaction or feeling of accomplishment as I felt myself become stronger willed. And then at times I simply thought maybe I was just a thrill seeker, or something else??
I definitely knew I was "weird", but at the same time I already somehow knew I had no choice in the matter so I tried to teach myself how to "own it" by carefully pushing my boundaries little by little... or by a lot at times if I felt like I could handle it. I think not being overly careful is important to developing confidence and calmness.
Now, after WELL over a decade of thrill seeking experiments with presentation, I finally figured out what the deal is and began the transition. I went full time after about 2 months of HRT. I know I don't pass especially during the day (similar to you only passing in minor instances) but honestly I feel more comfortable in my own skin than ever. A lot has been due in part to very supportive friends, but even when I am alone I don't usually mind the questionable looks- although I am definitely much more cautious of potential social dangers by not putting myself in situations where I feel I could get ridiculed.
Everyone's situation is going to be different blahblahblah ;) Just do what feels right for YOU and ride that line in between comfort and risk taking. Know your bounds, push them, and eventually it will fall into place
Hi Hon,
I'm not in the least surprised by the reactions.
Totally normal and I think you can look at your responses to them in several ways.
As you may know I'm in Adelaide so pretty use to Aussies!
I'm 5'9". I'm FT.
Guys and girls look at tall woman. It is normal, people look at tall men but it is in a different way, tall woman are tall. Most woman are not.
It is a glance a look and nothing more. If you notice the guys will also look at your legs, your boobs and your ass, most don't even know they are doing it. It's a guy thing.
Woman look at tall woman for different reasons; Bitch! being one. Many woman wish they were taller.
You picked the thing that you need, and it is easy for woman to do.
CONFIDENCE.
Think it. Exude it. Thinking it gives it too you.
Be a tall proud woman. Walk slowly and look at stuff. Smile, if you see another woman looking at you smile, she will smile back. If guys are looking at you look at them without expression. Unless you fancy them, then flirting starts which may be a bit early.
Take nothing.
You are a tall proud woman, love it, feel it, be comfortable with it. never hide it. Be proud.
Be confident. I can assure you, once you change the mind set it is totally natural and you pass for ever.