Hi guys! Newbie here ;)
I got a little problem and i thought you might have some advice.
My parents are separated and i live with my mother and her partner. (My older brother lives with my dad since last week though) I am out to everyone, and last week I wrote a letter to my dad about me, because I was 100% sure he wouldn't accept it but I thought he needed to know.
He just send me a short message saying this is very weird for him now and he's got a lot of questions, and he would like to meet with me if I want to.(I made that offer in the letter) He also addressed me by my real male name and said he loves me.
And I know that's not a problem, BUT I was so sure that he would never react in a positive way, because he always was a pretty intolerant and ignorant person (also in regards to my brother and me) and I also told my mother that I don't expect a (positive) reaction at all. She said he might react kindly, but only to hurt her, because my dad and I didn't have a very good (or: nonexistent) relationship over the last months, and now he's got the chance to act like world's best daddy by pretending to accept me as his son. When they were newly separated he didn't pay child suppert for me (he does now, because I went to the youth welfare office and they contacted him), so i understand where she's coming from. But he is still my dad, you know, and if it is genuine interest in me, I would make a huge mistake by rejecting him. And I really don't want to hurt my mom, because she is the most supportive mother one could imagine.
So my question is, what would you do?
(And I apologize for my bad English, it's not my first language.)
I'd see him. I'd rather make the mistake of meeting him and him lying about how he felt rather than rejecting him and wondering my whole life if he was being genuine. If he is being serious, I'd grab the chance, not many parents react in such a positive way straight away. Good luck.
Joey
I'd say go see him too. His reaction sounds pretty positive and as you say, he is your dad. Good luck with it!
I think you should go to see him like everyone else here is suggesting, especially since you made that offer available to him in your letter. It wouldn't be fair if you offered to talk to him then didn't follow through with that offer when he took you up on it.
I also have another suggestion for you though. I think you should try to separate yourself from your parents' drama as much as possible. It's disturbing that they just use you at times to hurt one another. You should never allow yourself to be used that way.
I was in a close situation to yours. My parents are divorced and my dad acted supportive and wanted to meet to talk about it. It...didn't go down very well and ended up with him cutting me off of his phone plan and emptying my college savings account to spend on his step sons and wife.
I was angry but tried a little bit more to work with him and give him time to adjust to the change. It never worked. I would suggest meeting your dad anyway, but don't let yourself be vulnerable. Be prepared for the worst and don't immediately believe him if he wants to be world's #1 dad. Give it time, and go from there.
go see him and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he uses this as an opportunity to 'be the worlds best dad' let him be that.
My folks divorced 33 years ago and my step-mother moved my Dad as far away from us as she could. He pretty much stopped all contact and we didn't get so much as a phone call on our birthdays for many, many years. Oh, and he's also very religious (Christian), sexist and very old-fashioned.
So you can understand why I'm a little reluctant about contacting him to tell him that I'm transitioning.
Luckily we live on separate continents so we're unlikely to meet face-to-face to discuss this. But I tried to write an email to break the news to him; it has been sat on my computer for three weeks now without being sent. I'm struggling to get past my insecurities to send it.
Are you out to your older brother? If so, does he support you? Would it be helpful to have him come along when you meet your father, so you don't have to face him alone?
One of the beauties of being in a separated/divorced family is that you can play your parents off against each other. They may start competing for your affection. So use this to your advantage: try to get your mother and your father to compete against each other by saying "Oh, but the other parent is happy for me to do this". >:-)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 04, 2013, 08:50:00 AM
Are you out to your older brother? If so, does he support you? Would it be helpful to have him come along when you meet your father, so you don't have to face him alone?
Yep my brother knows for a a couple of months now, and he said it's no problem for him. He uses my real name too. But we kinda stopped talking to each other once he hit puberty (he is 22 now), so it's not a typical relationship between brothers.
I guess he is going to be there anyway if I visit my dad, but I don't know if that's gonna help me in any way.
Thanks for your advice (and the warnings) guys, I guess I'll visit him in the newt few weeks, but I won't get my hopes up (too much).