I told my parents a few months ago I'm trans and initially they didn't take it very well. My dad is now understanding of it and is doing what's best for me. I found out today that my mum wants to run away because of me. She's really low and I'm scared she's going to do something stupid or one day I'll cone home and she'll be gone. I understand that she's hurting and confused but I don't know what to do. It's increasing my suicidal thoughts and I feel like a let down. I know I'm doing this for me and I can't go back now but the fact I make my own mother feel so low and want to run away makes me hurt.
Joey
Joey, you're not causing your Mom to feel like that. She's just having a hard time dealing with one of the really trying things that life sometimes throws in our paths. I know you love her, just tell yourself you need to give her time, and show her that you have it right. And take another deep breath! Hugs, Devlyn
Joey have you really talked with your mom about it maybe she just dosent understand and if your aren't able to are you seeing a therpist if you are ask them if they will talk to your mom I'm pretty sure they will
Your mom is just over reacting becouse she dosent understand if you love her as much as I think you do you will try to help her understand
But I tell you this killing your self won't fix anything it will differently make it worse
and it is deffently not you falt
We've talked about it and we're going to family counselling. She was given a booklet to read through but it seems to of made her worse. I know she's hoping it's going to go away but it's not and I'm trying to help her realise that.
Thanks Devlyn, another deep breath for me.
Joey
You haven't caused anyone any pain. You're just yourself, and you deserve to be happy. You've been honest with yourself about what that involves and you were then brave enough to discuss it truthfully with your loved ones.
I'm pleased that your Dad is coming around. You'll need his support in the coming months. Your mother is upset because she's going through the stages of grief. This sounds like the 'bargaining' phase where she's trying to convince you to stop doing what you're doing. Emotional blackmail is a powerful bargaining tool, which is why she's using it. As I've said before, this isn't grief for you as a person, but it is grief for her idealised image if the person she always dreamed you'd be if your life were entirely up to her.
It isn't.
It's natural for parents to hope their child will have certain characteristics, but at the end if the day we as parents don't actually have any control over who our child will be. Part of the growing-up process as parents - yes, parents need to grow up too - involves realising that our children are individuals. We don't own them, we don't control their lives; rather, our job is to provide them with a safe, healthy environment in which they can discover themselves. Which is precisely what you're doing. We don't have the right to force our kids to be something they're not.
Your mother is finding it difficult to accept that, but family therapy will help by providing you with an impartial referee who can help you talk to each other without recriminations.
Please don't blame yourself for what your Mum is going through. It's not your fault and it isn't your responsibility to fix it. Just reassure her that you love her; she will eventually work her way through this phase.
Joey,
Devlyn is right...you are NOT causing your mother pain or causing her to have suicidal notions! Don't blame that on yourself. I don't doubt that your mom is having a hard time, but I agree...maybe family counseling could go a LONG way. you don't owe your mom your life, you do owe her your respect as long as you're under her roof. Although respecting your mom doesn't mean to deny yourself. I would probably say, 'mom, I'm sorry you're in pain. I love you, I'm still your child and that will never change. I really would appreciate
your love and your support thru this.' I realize this can't be easy for her; but if your mom really is having suicidal thoughts then they didn't just begin because of you telling her a few months ago;it's probably a depression that started long before you told her. I know this is a really tough situation for you joey;i'm really hoping things turn around for you. You and your family are in my thoughts.
It sure is a tricky tight rope we've been made to walk. On the one hand, we want to stand up for ourselves in the face of ignorance and hate. But on the other we also have to be understanding towards the family that themselves are more or less being forced to accept a very big change. We've had a lot more time to think about this than our parents have and for some of them it can be pretty jarring. Be patient. Set your expectations accordingly, she might not come around over night. But give it time and if she truly loves you, she will come around for the sake of her child.
Ditto...you are not responsible for her pain; you are simply being truthful about who you are, and she is having a hard time with it. She has to own her own emotions and reactions.
I'm a good deal older than you are, but my therapist had to reinforce the same idea to me just a month or so ago. I'm still grappling with it. So it's not just you; stuff like this happens to a lot of us.
You seem to care very much about your mother, so it must be difficult NOT to feel guilty. But for your own sake, for your own sanity, you need to keep telling yourself that you're okay to be who you are and that your mother has to learn to live with that. You might be able to help her with it, but you can't take responsibility for it.
I hope the counseling helps both of you, though.
Joey, Madeline here. Just wanted to tell you that I've read your posts and the way you look out for others, even when you are hurting bad yourself, and I am so proud of you. If I had a son like you, I would be the happiest mother alive.
If you are like many of us, like me, you have struggled for years and been frustrated with always somehow failing to "live up to" your potential, and feeling like a colossal screw up. But you aren't. You have just been dealing with a very painful condition, all alone, that you may not have even had a name for, and you tried a lot of things to try to distract yourself or feel better, until you figured out who you are. You aren't a screw up, you are just a young man! With a whole lifetime ahead of you, as a man, to discover the kind of man you are and want to be.
Your mom sounds kind of lost right now. I don't know if she's like my mother, who had severe depression and mental illness for many years, but eventually came out of it and is much better now, or if she's just going through a rough spot right now, but either way, I want you to know, her pain and her confusion is not caused by you. In fact, the best thing you can possibly do for her is to take the very best care of yourself that you can, to be as kind to yourself as you can, and to do the things you need to do as a young man to get healthy or stay healthy in your heart and head. Because she does love you, and one day she will be so grateful that you took care of yourself, and she didn't lose you, and that you made sure you would be ok so that she could have the time to get herself together, so she could eventually get to know you all over again and give you the acceptance and affirmation you deserve. By taking care of yourself and protecting Joey, you are helping her more than you know.
My own mother is so grateful to me that I survived and that I am happy and well now, and that I am able to forgive her for the years she couldn't be there for me like she wished she would have been. She's ok now because I'm ok. And you can give your mom that Joey.
You haven't caused the pain, Joey. In some way, your mom is choosing to feel this way. While most parents go thru some kind of grief or difficulty while they try to accept their trans child, your mom is choosing to hold on to the past and not go forward. Other parents may have felt comforted by some pamphlet but for whatever reason, your mother has decided that this would make her feel worse. Other parents embrace their trans children, so nothing is inherent in being trans. Some parents do not even go thru a period of grief at all.
Your dad seemed to be getting on and dealing with this. My guess is your mom had serious issues to begin with and that's why she is having suicidal feelings (or at least ideation). Perhaps she is using strong feelings to try and manipulate you, because she has correctly assessed that you might be motivated by it.
Quite a lot of parents come around, but some never do. I think if she is willing to go to counseling, it might be helpful to her. I would expect a good therapist to know how to handle a group with your mother and deal with any feelings she may try to put on you.
Joey, my man, you didn't do anything, you are claiming who you genuinely are.
--Jay
Life is a trial and life is change.
We all want your mom to come out of this ok, but in the end only she can do that for herself.
You have to live your life, and she has to live hers. Once past the age of majority all parents need to realize they are no longer calling the shots
You might have brought almost any of countless challenges to the table that she would need to deal with, in your case it is what it is.
All you can do is hope for her, but any action(s) she takes will be hers alone and you won't be responsible for them.
When I told my wife she got extreamly emotional. Her first words were you will leave me for a gay guy. You will transition get a sex change and leave me. Why did you hide this from me?
Perhaps your Mom is experiancing normal loss emotions and family therapy would help sort out the family emotional issues.
Odd how my wife reverted to herself when told a loved one is Transg*. To this day there has been no questions about how I feel or am I doing ok.
26% of transg* commit suicide and 70% have serious attempts of suicide. So perhaps the suicide issue is a trigger to us when others say it as a feeling as opposed to a coping mechnism.