So it's been a couple of years since I came out to my wife as gender-questioning, but I finally seem to have hit the point where it's time to tell others.
Earlier this year, she told her daughter. This was actually a bit of a relief to me. Stepdaughter moved in with us in December, after some conflict with her father...and my wife and I had discussed the fact that I wanted my stepdaughter to know, but hadn't figured out how to come out to her yet (or whether it was the right time, given the conflict with her dad). But when I wasn't around, she asked my wife about my hair (which is now past my shoulders) and what was up with that... That went really well, she apparently knows some trans* kids from school, so she wasn't as floored as most other people I tell seem to be.
Earlier this week, I told my mother over the phone. It was a mostly spur-of-the-moment thing, though I know that hiding it had been a great strain on me...and that night, it seemed that I was leaving awkward pauses, trying to get it out...so I did. Mom's reaction was...almost non-reaction. She mentioned about how she sees/has seen me, but didn't say anything completely cringe-worthy. She's conservative enough that I was pleased by that. She admitted that she didn't know much about gender transition, but that was no surprise, because I knew about as little when I started figuring this out.
I was disappointed that she didn't bring the topic up at all when I called today, but it hasn't been a lot of time...and with me hundreds of miles away...I think things will be OK, but there may be bumps along the road, but my mother seems to have enough grasp of the bigger picture that, even if she can't approve, I don't think she'll be obnoxious or disrespectful about it.
The other person I really want to tell is my boss/pastor. It helps that, on paper, the church has protections about discrimination because of gender identity and expression...but I also know that I don't live my life on paper, so those protections are only worth so much. But they're there.
The reason? Because I don't want to live in fear of him finding out. True story: last spring/summer, my wife and I drove two-and-a-half hours to a city we'd never visited to spend a couple of nights. I had some clothes packed that I was considering daring to wear in public for the first time. But we checked in and then, since it was dinnertime, immediately set off to find a restaurant. We walked in the door of the restaurant (a chain that neither of us had visited before) and immediately were greeted by somebody wondering why we'd come from [our city] to [their city]. My wife and I looked at each other, wondering how he knew where we were from. Finally figured out that he had been a family member at a wedding we'd worked at the previous weekend back home. So even though we'd driven hours from home, to another state, to a city where I'd never been, I was recognized. So I know that any precautions I take while I'm still trying to become comfortable with who I am are not foolproof, and despite my best intentions, word may get back to my job. I'd rather have the lines of communication open BEFORE that happens.
So that's where I am these days. I still wish I knew where to go for therapy (though, with my wife's job in jeopardy at the moment, I'm not sure we could afford it even if we found it)...and I am still finding the courage to be myself...but I'm confident I'll get there. (I just hope I don't grow too old before that happens!)
And...more fun and games ahead.
There's potential for "telephone game," because I was not involved in this conversation and have heard about it second-hand.
But it sounds like my stepdaughter (high school senior) was asked a question by her grandmother (my mother-in-law) about my hair...and her question seemed to zero in pretty closely on what closet I'm in. I've been gently pushing the door open, so far out to my wife, stepdaughter, and mother (the latter I just told within the last week).
My stepdaughter did her best to keep from telling her, but since it was an unexpected question and she didn't really know what to say, she paused and then settled on something like "that's a conversation for you two to have." It sounds like my mother-in-law realized she was on target, and the reported response was "Well, we can't tell [my father-in-law]." That's actually a little better than I had expected from her. I expected her to come around, but to have real problems with it, especially in the beginning. Now, she and I haven't discussed it. (We saw them the next day, but her husband was always around.)
I also already knew my father-in-law would be a problem. He's the only specific person that I kind of expect to "lose" over transition. And, given how I react to him anyway...I'm not worried about that for myself. I just hope that there isn't collateral damage around my wife's relationship with her father or my relationship with my mother-in-law.
I also didn't intend to tell my mother-in-law until I absolutely had to. I know I don't like having secrets from my wife, and (except in professional settings), I don't like telling one member of a couple something they can't share with their partner, especially if I know both partners. So, I'm not exactly looking forward to that conversation.
Hello Kristin,
It sounds like you are on the same path as myself.
I came out to my son the other day, went better than I thought!
Now I need to tell my parents, that will be an interesting conversation.
I can understand your stress, as I'm going through something simular to yourself, and then the depression kicks in....fun.....NOT!
Anyway I have my first counciling sesion tomorrow, I'm looking forward to this in some ways, but stressed at the same time.
I hope all go's real well for you!
Angela