Okay, my mother gave me the whole chromosome BS this weekend. All of it, belittling me and mocking my intelligence, and telling me that no matter what I do I'll never be a real man.
Do all these transphobic parents read a book called How to Drive Your Trans Kid Insane? Why do they all repeat the same things as if they've been force-fed the words and they're spitting them out at their children?
My dad complained that:
a) I smell
b) Said bodily odor (which was, by the way, a combination of wet dog and febreeze mixed with a bit of sweat because this apartment is like a woman going through menopause and suddenly the heat actually works) was clearly and distinctly feminine. What was the point in saying that? Was it the fact that me having a type of late-onset CAH seems likely now, and that means you have to make sure to point out anything not hugely masculine in this body that has been subjected to the warpath of estrogen?
He took my guitar, leaned it on his sweaty shirtless stomach, and sing in a really bad Indian accent pretending to be Gandhi. He sang a line that went: "My daughter doesn't have a d**k/ But if she did she should take a shower" and I sat there furious.
They're horrid people and then tell me that I have to listen to them. This is ridiculous.
You really have to get away from these people. They sound ghastly. I wish I could help more.
I agree, what an big A hole, I would leave if the option was there.
I have not told my parents I am Trans, and I don't think it will go down well at all. :(
Anyway I hope you can sort something out as It sounds like a place I wouldn't like either!
Big hugs
Angela
I thought parents weren't supposed to knowingly and intentionally hurt their children. Yet so many of our parents do. What is up with that? Are we so hateful that our parents loathe us and cannot even keep their disdain to themselves? And if an FTM calls them on it or shows any pain, they will say that if he were really a man, he would just take it. "Man up!"
(No, I'm really a man, and I'm telling you to shove it.)
I'm sorry, Liminal. :(
Ugh. Sorry you're having to put up with so much nonsense from your parents. Mine were just as bad, if not even worse. The sooner you can move out, the better. And it will happen; remember that & hold on to it.
I have to wonder: have you tried calmly telling your parents (in writing, if needs be) that you are going to do what you need to do no matter what they say, and that in five (or whatever) years' time they'll have a well-established son who is living his own life on his own terms... and if they want to be included in your future, they'll need to think very carefully about what that man will think about the things they said to him five years previously when he needed their love & support?
Paint them a picture of yourself aged (say) 25 and fully independent, then bring them back to the present and show them how their actions today could influence your choices about whether to include them in your life.
They're acting the way they are because they think they have power over you. As you mature even further, you'll discard their influence and make your own choices - and one of those choices may be to eliminate any negativity from your life. Despite the fact that your parents have fallen into some bad behavioural patterns, they won't want to be on the kill list.
All you can do at that point is try your best to calmly and peacefully diffuse the situation. Be a better Ghandi than him. ;) Say very calmly, firmly, and matter-of-factly "I feel hurt and disrespected when you make comments like that and I can't interact with you when you treat me that way" or something to that effect (use those "I statements"-- I feel ______ when you _____-- best thing to do when you're pissed off and speaking with someone you can't just flip out on-- I used them with my bosses a few times last summer). Then just walk away, go to your room, and listen to music or something to de-stress. Don't engage. Calmly make it clear the behavior is unacceptable and remove yourself from the situation. If you do that often enough, at some point the opportunity will arise to discuss it further when all parties can be calm and respectful (then I suggest still using those I statements). Sometimes the kids have to be the adults in these situations.
Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 11, 2013, 12:15:53 AM
He took my guitar, leaned it on his sweaty shirtless stomach, and sing in a really bad Indian accent pretending to be Gandhi. He sang a line that went: "My daughter doesn't have a d**k/ But if she did she should take a shower" and I sat there furious.
That's disgusting.
Just don't show any signs of being upset when they do stuff like this, because showing them you're upset will make them feel like they have more power over you and further encourage this behaviour.
You should have responded by retrieving you guitar an singing a response:
My dad doesn't have a clue but if he did, he would read a book or two
Options:
Stay there and miserable
Leave
Respond to their idiocy with jokes. Seriously, when they act like that sometimes you have to just be witty in response. Just throw some jokes right back at them without being defensive.
Ignore their foolishness - dont show any emotion at all. (think Tuvok) if you show anger they win.
That's tough man. It seems like no matter how much you ty to educate them, they won't listen. I say if they say something llike that again to just say "okay" and leave it at that.
Oh I look back on times I had like that with my dad now with whimsy. Yes, it does suck when a father thinks his child is a joke but seriously just consider the source. Really, the best thing I know to say is hang in there until you can get out on your own. If you're sociable getting a group of friends to talk to and be able to see to get out of the house more is helpful, if it's possible.
Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 11, 2013, 12:15:53 AM
He took my guitar, leaned it on his sweaty shirtless stomach, and sing in a really bad Indian accent pretending to be Gandhi. He sang a line that went: "My daughter doesn't have a d**k/ But if she did she should take a shower" and I sat there furious.
I have no words... That's...
No words....
What is he, 12?
Yeah, my current problem is that there's no living relatives who would take me in. Only reason I haven't opted to live on my own is the issue of internet, and the issue with temporary housing is the possibility of encountering and living with people who are just as bad. Of course, then there's the other problem that holds me back, which is how they can act like parents who care and then I feel guilty. Basically, they're horridly screwed up from whatever they've been through and bully me as a result of it. Which still isn't an excuse.
I've got less than two more years here and they keep promising to find a psychiatrist they want (probably a transphobic one, knowing them) to hear the diagnosis from the mouth of a professional. All I want is for them to grow the hell up, because I'm sick of having to be the parent and then getting yelled at because I don't obey their every whim. They lost my respect over the years, and combined with my innate urge to question and challenge authority like every other kid my age does anyway, that doesn't look to good for the "do this unreasonable thing BECAUSE WE SAID SO" argument. It's annoying at best.
[censored]. Dude, that's beyond terrible. I wish there was something I could do to help.
Thanks. This was just more of a rant because I'm incredulous at just how immature they are. Situations like mine make me wonder why society still allows the people who brought a child into the world full domain over their lives without checking said people for competency first. To be blown off and screamed at about my problems and told this is what I'm seeing a therapist for whereas the remote being missing is a national crisis is insane. I was just screamed at because my mother mishears things to a point where it seems like she's doing it on purpose since there's not much wrong with her hearing, and also because "let me know when you're hungry and I'll make dinner for you" turns into "so now I'm a f**king short-order cook because you're too privileged to do anything yourself" and her complaining to my father about the terrible things I do once I actually am hungry and nicely request dinner. How horrible of me to ever ask for anything, and how selfish I must be for wanting to be myself and not a wife and mother. Even if I was somehow okay being a girl, that doesn't change that the anatomy doesn't seem all too inclined to allowing for children, and she needs to accept that fact. I don't really feel like suffering because my parents have to turn something into a gigantic issue that could be solved with care and unconditional love...and maybe even support? But nope, that's terrible of me to want. Instead, I get told to kill myself rather than transition and that if I dare take hormones or cut my t*ts off that I will be disowned and no longer loved.
That came in a very vulnerable moment when I asked if she would still love me if I pursue this and it's not just something I put in my head. Really, exact opposite of what I needed to hear.
Virtual hug.
And I don't hug just anybody. Only liminal beings...
Why thank you. Virtual hugs back.
Interestingly enough, nobody's said anything about me wearing boxers again...progress. Think I might ask for a haircut soon and see how it goes.
Oh my God... I just have absolutely no words.
After reading about that "song" that you mentioned in the opening post, never in my life have I felt more inclined to wish that I could stand in front of a group of people and tell them to go f*** themselves.
You've got to get out of there. I'm serious. That's not just bad parenting, that's pretty much emotional abuse. That home situation is poison. I'm so sorry that you have to put up with that crap from your own parents. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.
I mean yeah, maybe it's just a very strong reaction to that common first phase of denial, or of thinking that it's just a joke, which many parents admittedly have to go through when their child admits to being trans, but still... sheesh. What you describe is absolutely terrible.
The reasoning appears to be that I'm doing this to punish my mother and cause her stress and show that I can't be controlled and can do and have anything I want because I'm such a spoiled brat, therefore the proper course of action is to make me stop "pulling this nonsense". Anything I have to say is only to aggravate them. Anything I do is an act of rebellion. They don't want me speaking or living the way I should because it's not what I should say or do in their eyes. The baby my mother gave birth to had two X chromosomes, end of story, stamp on the forehead for life. Who cares what "psychotic notions" I've put in my head?
Thing is, they don't seem to care that I want nothing to do with them when I leave. So be it- maybe I'll finally start on a faster road to recovery when people stop drilling potholes in it.
My dad doesn't want me cutting my hair, I should instead grow it out because it looks pretty on me. Never mind that my short stature and younger-looking face make passing hard enough, it doesn't matter that it'll make me look like a girl because that's what I am. He would rather have the daughter he loves than a son he doesn't know. Where is the love in any of this? Every time I speak to them I feel hurt and rejected. The only way he'll accept it and "know in his heart" is from a "licensed professional" telling him so. Because I can't possibly be trusted to know myself. So just get someone already and stop hurting me, then...
^Yup... denial. Complete and utter denial. They've written their own life script for you, and as such they are trying to find any excuse that they can for why the things that you say aren't true, and why you are still the person that they think you should be in their own eyes, and they're fighting back against it, and refusing to believe it, because they've always seen you a certain way and just can't imagine changing that.
It happens, dude. And unfortunately, it's not always easy to change. I'm having the same denial issues with my dad right now. He's constantly trying to explain it away, says things like "well, that doesn't mean anything" and "come on, you're joking, right?" when I try to explain to him why I've always felt transsexual.
In your case, with how strongly they are pushing back, you really are going to need to get out of the house as soon as you can do so. Because as long as you're still living there, it sounds like they're still going to think that you're just being bratty and rebellious. I really do believe that their tone will change if you move out, and are living on your own, and yet you still keep pursuing transsexualism. It's easy to belittle your kids and fight with them and fail to sympathize with them when they're still living in the same house, but when things still persist even after moving out and starting your own life, the tone really does change.
I'm banking on this promise of finding someone who will give an official diagnosis being something they'll keep, because I have had enough time to erase the doubts on the subject through thoughts of whether or not I could actually live as a female, and if not then where I fell in the scheme of things. Anyone trained to look at the issue objectively will have the power to step back and see me, not because I demand them to, but because they have that skill set.
Really, I want to be their son, but at the same time I am too angry to want to be theirs. All my life I've tried so hard to win their affection and it never worked- why should I believe that all of a sudden they care and know me better than I do and have any intention of letting me be myself? It's one of the most basic rights we as people have. I'm sick of being treated like some sub-human being rather than as an individual capable of feelings and thought.
Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 12, 2013, 01:58:56 AM
Really, I want to be their son, but at the same time I am too angry to want to be theirs.
This is just brilliant and succinct...I have some of the same feelings about my mother.
These people do not deserve you. Maybe they never will. But don't ever forget who you are and what you are worth. Try not to let them discourage you.
I've been reading this threat with my mouth half opened. How parents can be so unsupportive and plain abusive is beyond understanding.
I wonder....Are there any child abuse hotlines (I'm assuming you are minor seeing that you still depend on your parents) where you live? Your parents may not be physically abusing you, but emotional abuse can cut just as deep. That would get the ball rolling. You would get to talk to people and you could request a psychologist, which your parents would not be able to deny. Sounds a lot better than waiting until your parents get you help. It seems they will wait forever because all this is 'nonesense' anyway in their eyes.
Quote from: Mr.X on March 12, 2013, 05:02:37 AM
I've been reading this threat with my mouth half opened. How parents can be so unsupportive and plain abusive is beyond understanding.
I wonder....Are there any child abuse hotlines (I'm assuming you are minor seeing that you still depend on your parents) where you live? Your parents may not be physically abusing you, but emotional abuse can cut just as deep. That would get the ball rolling. You would get to talk to people and you could request a psychologist, which your parents would not be able to deny. Sounds a lot better than waiting until your parents get you help. It seems they will wait forever because all this is 'nonesense' anyway in their eyes.
I agree with this. Being told to kill yourself by your parents is just disgusting. I'd try to seek some help outside of the home and away from your parents. Are you in school? Maybe speaking to someone there might help like a guidance counselor.
Please, for the love of god, talk to an adult at school or a therapist if you're seeing one about what your parents are saying to you and how they are treating you. When they make the appointment to hear it from the mouth of a professional tell that person what they are doing to you.
It started with verbal abuse like yours, and then my parents started beating me. The father would pen me against the wall and choke me while telling me 'I hate you. I'm going to kill you.' They brainwashed me into believing that I couldn't tell anyone because 'what happens in the family stays in the family.' It took me 4 years to accept that my grandfather sexually abusing me was NOT my fault because the female that gave birth to me told me I was a sick, disgusting <not allowed> for letting him do it to me.
Please. I'm literally begging you. If I were in front of you I would be pleading. TELL SOMEONE. Disgusting freaks like that will stop at nothing to tear you down and I don't want to see you hurt anymore.
Edited for profanity
Welcome to the forum, randomroads, and thank all of you for the replies. Luckily, I do have a therapist whom I see on Wednesdays, so I only have to get through one more night and school day. In the meantime, I'll respond to everyone.
FTMDiaries: I have, and my mother said I'm forcing her hand and that she needs to have me put away in a mental institution because I obviously have something seriously wrong with me if I would do something so disgusting. It's as if I told them I was running away to shoot up heroin and make a living dealing drugs and running a prostitution ring or something. My mother says she won't let me throw my life away, because obviously all the successful transgender people I've shown her were part of my made-up sick fantasy, too.
Devin: Yep, tried "I statements" a number of times, only to get an answer along the lines of "Well, I don't give a s**t how that makes you feel. You're not going to manipulate me and wear me down until you get your way".
LH: That's the problem: They're bullies. But if I ignore them, they get angry that they aren't getting to me and retaliate for my "insolence".
chuck: The problem is that if I try doing something like that back, they'll say my birth name in this serious voice and both lecture me at the same time about how disrespectful I am and that I'm so ungrateful for the fact that my father works in order to put a roof over my head and make sure I have food and clothing.
Malachite: Same problem, they don't like being ignored.
Simon: I have friends to talk to despite them claiming I have none, but it's not fair to place the burden of my daily horrors onto other people. That's why I wait for it to dissolve and just bottle things up.
Shodan: Doesn't seem like he's aged since then. He hates me because my mom keeping me meant he had to take up a little responsibility because a child was involved.
Mosaic Dude: Thanks, man. You too, Arch.
cheetaking243: I can understand denial and confusion, but not like this. They act as if I'm a criminal who has committed some heinous crime, killing their daughter or something. I'm here, not this ideal daughter they want (and never even really had! I liked pink and ballet when I was a toddler, then it was a tomboy "phase" from the third grade onward) who grows up to be beautiful and marry some dream guy and have a beautiful family to take care of. That's not who I am. That's not how this story goes.
Snickerdoodle: They have the notion that being parents means that they own every part of me, including my mind.
Mr. X: Probably so, the therapist will do for now. Going to ask what she thinks I should do to cope, just to have multiple plans for this situation. The physical abuse I can most certainly take, ironically so since my body is all messed up and injured, but the emotional abuse is what hurts the most. At least no one's hit me in a while, only had a door slammed into my wrist this week when my mom kicked it to hit me during a rage fit. Though it's gotten better...I know I should call child services when they do that stuff, but then they're normal and the guilt kills me inside and stops me from making that call. They've found two psychiatrists they approve of to get some evaluations, and a diagnosis of GD if all goes well. Here's hoping they aren't looking for a transphobic doctor who will try to force me into the role of a girl.
Darrin: Yes, I'm in school and planning to be for a while, though I can eventually get out of here. Like I said before, the therapist is the person I talk to, other than when I rant here or to my boyfriend or one of two really close bros of mine. Susan's has helped me keep my own insanity meter in check, a Herculean feat in this house.
randomroads: That's awful...I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Unfortunately for them, I've already come out to a bunch of people at school, with zero problem among said folks when it comes to acceptance. My father still blames me being out of control for incidents that could have easily brought about my death at his hands.
Yes, let's take the tiny, fragile 7 year old's video game they were playing in the closet because Daddy was yelling at Mommy again and throw it at the wall, and leave them against that wall with a concussion when they protest. Let's listen to your child's younger cousin who is a notorious liar, get angry over it and decide this behavior needs to stop, and then hit them in the back of the head and drop them in the street without caring. No, you didn't dislodge my nails from your hand like you told the police. I cut them that morning. You were drunk and violent and I was the target of your anger again. Really, I only played amnesia so that the child support checks wouldn't stop- social security isn't enough to live off of, even for one person.
Apparently being allowed to "smash my breasts with tights" is such a wonderful privilege. Thanks, Mom! Thank you so much for letting these straps saw into my shoulders to the point where even big padded band-aids can't stop the raw strips from oozing. If only there were a solution- oh, I don't know, letting me have a binder? No, that'd be silly! Don't give in to the demands of your bratty "daughter"!
Liminal, seriously you need to get out of there. When you see the psychiatrist make sure that its just you and the doctor. Don't let your parents in there no matter what. Best of luck to you.
I think you need to push past your feelings of guilt. Even if you don't call child services, things will only escalate and get worse if you allow your parents to keep abusing you.
My parents have been abusing me emotionally, verbally and even physically all of my life. It began with verbal abuse from my father from the time that I was born (my mother has told me that if I cried too much as a baby, he would scream at me and even threaten to hit me) then it turned into emotional abuse from both of my parents as I got older. Eventually the abuse escalated into my father becoming physically abusive with me. Recently, my siblings have also learned by example and have taken to verbally and emotionally abusing me as well.
There have been times when they acted like "real" parents and were supportive and loving. Like you, I felt guilty for thinking badly of them or for considering reporting them during the those times but in hindsight, I should have gotten help when I had the opportunity to.
I'm still living with my parents while I finish college but now that I'm considered an adult, I can't get the same help that would have been available to me when I was still considered a child. My only options now are to finish college then move out and my parents have even tried to prevent me from doing that by threatening to drain my finances, cut me off from the family and other similar things. Maybe they want to keep me around so they have someone to take things out on? I don't know. Hopefully your parents don't attempt to do the same though.
If the abuse is getting progressively worse as it did for me, it means your parents are testing their boundaries to see how much they can get away with before you finally snap. That's when you have the opportunity to show them where their boundaries are. If you don't draw a line somewhere, your parents will continue to push you until you reach your breaking point and they'll continue trying to abuse you even after you have become an adult and moved out.
For me, drawing the line meant standing up to my father physically and emotionally removing myself from the rest of the family. Life still isn't perfect but after showing my family their place in my life, things have gotten much better. Maybe for you drawing a line would be making a phone call to child services? It would at least tell them that you aren't going to put up with their abuse anymore.
QuoteThe physical abuse I can most certainly take, ironically so since my body is all messed up and injured, but the emotional abuse is what hurts the most. At least no one's hit me in a while, only had a door slammed into my wrist this week when my mom kicked it to hit me during a rage fit. Though it's gotten better...
Quoteand leave them against that wall with a concussion when they protest.
QuoteI know I should call child services when they do that stuff, but then they're normal and the guilt kills me inside and stops me from making that call.
This is NOT okay. You should not feel guilty one bit for calling child services! Your parents lost all rights the moment they laid their hands on you. And 'when they are normal'? These people aren't normal. They just live from one insane and abusive moment to another. Are you just sitting there waiting until they turn abusive again? When is this going too far? Will you end up taking everything they throw at you?
They have passed the line years ago in my eyes.
Call child services.
I just hate living at this point. She screams day and night, and no one leaves me alone so I can do the ridiculous amount of work I get in peace. I fell asleep forgetting a final component of a project, woke up deathly ill from whatever else is in this house, and the first thing that I wake up to is her screaming at me and ripping the blanket from me. Yet when I angrily took something off a hanger and threw it at my drawer in order to keep my stress in check while she went on and kept getting in my face, she told my father to call 911 because I'm psychotic and ripping her clothing. The sweatshirt was mine, and nothing happened to it anyway. He just replied, "Bye," and left. All he cares about is work and the bands he's in and the team he coaches, his job being the only mandatory thing and not even something difficult to teach at that. My mother cares about being right. I do and don't want to call CPS because I want to get out of here, but I don't want to do it in a tough point in the academic year like now. I have many important exams in May, after which I can be done with things, but until then I have to ride this out. It's stupid because even if I get over the guilt for a second I remember all the AP classes I'm taking and the work I've put in (supposedly not according to my mother). My father agrees that I'm sick because my mother told him that I mentioned some things he did that made me not okay sharing a room with him. Because touching the back of someone's neck and not stopping when they tell you they dislike it is just fine and dandy, and so is telling an FTM that they are a girl and look pretty with long hair. It's not okay and I don't want to hear creepy remarks from him, because he's already done stupid things like date students who had just graduated. When he isn't around, my mother agrees that he's sick. When she's not around, he agrees that she's sick. But put them together and they gang up on me as if it doesn't matter.
My biggest fear is that I'm going to turn out like them. The anger is already there, and they're just pushing me until I actually do something violent so they can cry to a psychiatrist about their violent "daughter". And what the hell is it that makes them think that I'm going to magically transform into a boy if they allow me to bind or take T or anything? I already am one, it's just that the packaging needs some assembly. My mother calls children from my school "it" or "freak" if she can't discern their natal sex or presenting gender instantly. It's disgusting. I just wish someone at home would be on my side and care about me instead of living to make me feel horrible about myself.
I know we've talked about this before, but dude, you really need to find a friend at least if you don't want to call child services. At least def call someone soon, or after your exams in May if you really want to wait it out, but you really shouldn't be living with them.
Quote from: Mr.X on March 13, 2013, 04:04:26 AM
This is NOT okay. You should not feel guilty one bit for calling child services! Your parents lost all rights the moment they laid their hands on you. And 'when they are normal'? These people aren't normal. They just live from one insane and abusive moment to another. Are you just sitting there waiting until they turn abusive again? When is this going too far? Will you end up taking everything they throw at you?
They have passed the line years ago in my eyes.
Call child services.
This.
This shows all the classic signs of an abuse case. Especially the guilt trips after the abuse has taken place.
I just...don't know. Maybe it's the optimist in me trying to see good in them. But she's not being awful anymore, so it's confusing...what is it that sets her off? I've made remarks today that would have normally sent her into a fit. I don't like random changes over time in people, it's like a defective sine wave when there should just be a linear equation (or better yet, a hyperbola). Great, now I'm comparing this to functions.
To get back to the point, I hold hope that they can change, but then there are low points where I can't imagine staying here another second. Luckily, today is my weekly therapist's appointment, so I can discuss this with her and see what she thinks on staying until 18 (or even longer if they accept me and I go to college nearby) versus leaving now and being self-sufficient while underage. If anything, the most important part is getting that self-sufficiency *before* a decision to leave is made, not after. Though in all likelihood I'll stay, but hopefully get some healthier coping mechanisms than the ones I have in place.
Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 13, 2013, 12:59:03 PM
I just...don't know. Maybe it's the optimist in me trying to see good in them. But she's not being awful anymore, so it's confusing...what is it that sets her off? I've made remarks today that would have normally sent her into a fit.
Well, I'd be wary and careful, my husband would be super nice one moment and I'd be thinking "oh he's not that bad, I was just overreacting" and then he'd be strangling me the next and telling me that I am lucky he's such a nice guy because any other guy would've murdered me by now. People have ups and downs and who knows what sets them off and what makes them decide to behave at other times. Just know the good times aren't there to stay, so don't get complacent.
They're not going to change. These types generally do not ever change unless maybe they're dying and even then they'll find a way to manipulate you. It has the potential to really escalate into things you really don't want it to escalate to. I would suggest leaving before it does.
Oh, lovely. She canceled my therapy appointment on the grounds that I stayed home sick and that apparently I said I don't need it (???).
Whatever. I'm using *my* gift card and getting a binder from Amazon as soon as I can do so. Going to see if I can get it held at the post office, super's office, or maybe boyfriend or another person's house. But as soon as the shipping part is resolved I'm doing this.
Sucks, man. Sounds like they aren't dealing well and have no clue what to say or how to act, so they think they can shame you into behaving like you're 'supposed to.'
I don't know how old you are or if leaving is an option. But if for whatever reason you can NOT leave, quietly drop the trans thing, as don't bring it up. Don't call attention to it. Pretend like they *won*. Pretend things are peachy (subtly).
*YOU* know you are male, and you know you will transition once out of that house. Tune out their drivel. Seek support out of the house, your therapist if you have one, online, etc. WE will validate who you are, use your correct name and pronouns.
Sucks. But sometimes you have to do what you can to survive, first, then blow that popsicle stand as soon as feasible.
Jay
Liminal, I'm so sorry to hear the way they are treating you :(
Thanks, sony. My mom went off and bought some compression sports bras and "boy briefs" to quiet me...but I like boxers ;-; I didn't say that, but I'm still pissed off that she feels the need to buy clothing designed for females when I don't feel comfortable wearing such things. At least she's making some kind of effort.
And then there was the situation today with my dad, where he introduces me with my clearly female, stupid name to one of his friends, and I lean against the wall in shame a bit too quickly so my head hits it with a thud. She goes, "daughter?" and he of course affirms this while I say no. They both laugh, and he goes, "Oh, she's just having one of her moods right now". THIS ISN'T AN EFFING MOOD SWING. THIS IS ME HATING YOU RELENTLESSLY TREATING ME AS FEMALE. I had to hear endless scolding from both my parents about how I embarrassed my father in front of his friend with my behavior. So what, I should sit there and let my soul shrivel up even more as long as I stay quiet? If I don't speak up, how will people hear me?
I just want so badly for her to stop being so transphobic and him to stop being immature and stop making jokes out of this, because living a nightmare every day isn't funny at all.
I think you need a hug. **hug**
I don't think they'll be changing anytime soon, so just have your own private countdown for your 18th birthday or high school graduation and then just get out of there.
*hug*
Progress, maybe...the place I'm going to therapy at requires a routine psych evaluation, but the guy there is a geriatric specialist. I mean, come on- I know I have aches and pains and I complain a lot, but dammit I'm not an old man quite yet. Because of this, they're looking for someone who specializes in younger people, and my dad said that if they come to the conclusion that this is the right thing, then he's behind me on it. Still messed up that I have to leave my fate in the hands of some random person and only hope they don't think this is something ridiculous like avoiding being a lesbian or running away from trauma or just plain old psychosis, so that maybe I could finally have a slip of paper that confirms what I've been saying and knowing for so long.
My ridiculous layering: Sports bra, control-top tights, another pair of tights, sports bra, small crew neck t-shirt, big shirt/sweater.
I just want to be able to wake up, blindly stumble to the closet, throw on a shirt, boxers, and pants, grab my backpack and coat, and leave. But no, it has to take centuries to get everything and adjust it in just the right spot so I kind of look flat...ish. Maybe it's dysphoria being evil but I still see two gigantic lumps on my chest after all that. Dammit, body, why'd you do this :c
QuoteI just want to be able to wake up, blindly stumble to the closet, throw on a shirt, boxers, and pants, grab my backpack and coat, and leave. But no, it has to take centuries to get everything and adjust it in just the right spot so I kind of look flat...ish. Maybe it's dysphoria being evil but I still see two gigantic lumps on my chest after all that. Dammit, body, why'd you do this :c
You'll get there comrade. Hang in there and take care. We're all here for you.
I'm really sorry you have to put up with so much ignorant nonsense. I've had a taste of someone trying to force me into being a "real girl" and basically tell me to get back in the kitchen to serve him. In the end, he became physically abusive to someone else in my house and I pressed charges against him to end the whole nightmare. I was terrified at the time, but I don't regret stepping up and doing the right thing now. You may still want to consider reporting them because the short-term pain of doing so will be miniscule in comparison to having to deal with it until you can leave.
Regardless, I hope everything goes better for you in the future.
Thanks guys, and Padfoot, that's awful. That guy wouldn't have lasted too long if he were in my house...and I were a freaking adult already. Seriously, legal age is such an arbitrary thing.
Bah, my dad is extremely annoying. I wish he'd just be serious for a second of his day and not come up with some crackpot theory that being in love with and attracted to someone did this to me. Problem is, I don't really get sexual thoughts and feelings, only getting anything in the form of a phantom...thing in my pants deciding to be happy at random. At least no one else can see.
Yes, definitely treat my scientifically backed theory that really makes sense with heavy skepticism, and instead promote your insane one that suggests that anyone who has ever been in love ever or even so much as crushed on someone instantly decides to get a sex change. Pretty sure we would've died out by now if that were really true.