Okay, so this might be somewhat of a rant or just a realization that I am making, but it is definitely frustrating and somewhat depressing. Going into transition and starting hormones I was hopeful because I'm young and blah blah blah, but the more I've thought about it, I'm finally starting to really accept that it's not magic, it's not going to change my features enough and turn me into this beautiful woman that I wish I could see in the mirror. It's time to realize that for myself and that really hurts to feel that, but why give myself more false hope at this point. I wasn't being realistic and I'm starting to accept that even though it's really hard for me for some reason. So I guess it's a rant, sorry to bother you all ='(
Well, I dunno what you are talking about
...because...
looking at your avatar, you are already a beautiful woman! And you're still early on with HRT
lol! You're at 5 months. Come back at the 1 year mark. At 5 months, this was me:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2F3nl6hiilt%2F2_9_11cropped.jpg&hash=3ee11751807884929d9088c3cfc82a7d3df4cc22) (http://postimage.org/image/3nl6hiilt/)
At 11 months, this was me without makeup:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimage.org%2Fs5ktjr9r7%2F7_22_12_no_makeup_full_body.jpg&hash=f9cbd23e5197886f95b2a78735e1f8bfa3b3dc1a) (http://postimage.org/image/s5ktjr9r7/)
And at 18 months, I'm still looking more feminine every month. BTW my avatar was at 15 months and I had very little makeup.
Sometimes even beautiful people are made ugly by who they are; and people who are considered ugly shine just by being themselves. Just by being yourself (female) you shine.
That being said, beauty isn't always an external thing, and sexual attraction isn't always based on strict preferences. Love transcends all things.
I understand that you are grieving the loss of your expectations, I have been through a similar event; and it doesn't feel any less real than grieving a physical loss.
I went in to my transition with very few expectations beyond being able to live my life as a woman. So all the positive changes have been a bonus and a blessing.
But I must confess that it seems my approach to being trans and transition are quite different to most, hence calling myself the 'Trans-Rebel'..
there are always appearance altering options. I myself am looking at FFS because I have a fairly masculine face. that and I have access to modeling equipment so it's very easy to see how malleable I can be.
Judging by your photo I don't think you have anything to worry about. Beauty shines through from within & you're shining like the sun.
Give it time & you'll see the true you
It's important not to have unrealistic expectation of hormones. That said, every woman has to deal with her own self image and accept herself. It's part of growing as a woman.
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Emma, IMO transition is not about looks, it's about accepting yourself as a woman.
That can happen no matter what you look like.
Quote from: muuu on March 12, 2013, 03:20:36 AM
I have quite low expectations, but high requirements.
We know...
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Quote from: Sky-Blue on March 12, 2013, 02:04:23 AM
Sometimes even beautiful people are made ugly by who they are; and people who are considered ugly shine just by being themselves. Just by being yourself (female) you shine.
That being said, beauty isn't always an external thing, and sexual attraction isn't always based on strict preferences. Love transcends all things.
I understand that you are grieving the loss of your expectations, I have been through a similar event; and it doesn't feel any less real than grieving a physical loss.
I'll second this line of thought! I'd be the first to admit that I had some pretty delusional ideas of the kind of outcome I might have, but oh well! Best plan is to aim at the moon and if you fall short it will be far better than not setting up any target whatsoever. Personally I think you look rather great already!
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 12, 2013, 05:42:20 AM
Emma, IMO transition is not about looks, it's about accepting yourself as a woman.
That can happen no matter what you look like.
^^This
Ditto, I agree with Serena Lynn's agreeing with Suzifrommd.
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 12, 2013, 05:42:20 AM
Emma, IMO transition is not about looks, it's about accepting yourself as a woman.
That can happen no matter what you look like.
We know that already, what she's plainly referring to in terms of one of the aspects of transition is her own expectations regarding her preconceived notions of changes in her outward appearance, and that is what my response was in reference to.
I agree with the whole youth doesnt mean beauty thing i sure had that dream XD but hey you look pretty why wory?
Just let the changes come... Don't base expectations on your 5 month mark :p
Too many of us place waaaaay too much emphasis on looks. I've been there myself when I was younger, twice. Both times opting instead for normal. For the majority of my life till then I was the object of ridicule and derision. I wasn't looking to volunteer for an entire lifetime of it.
Funny part is, I really didn't look half bad. With my self-esteem and self-worth both sitting about as low as a pregnant snails tummy, I was esentially doomed. Without finding a TG group or a therapist, I was esentially doomed. Today, thanks to a far higher self esteem thanks to a fantastic TG group and a little therapy I achieved my life dream of being seen as, or at least, accepted as a woman.
As they say, 90% of passing is attitude.
My big reality check that I discovered and pass on to all that can use it is the next time ou go grocery shopping and you are waiting on the checkout line, put down that magazine and take a critical look at all the "typical" women there. They come in all shapes and sizes and especially gradients of the "feminine ideal". Mostly at the low end of the scale. I think since most just hate being women!
Please don't be so hard on yourself. From personal experience I can tell you that deciding to fake being a guy is a decision to forefit your life and your soul. Especially once you've seen the promised land
Quote from: JoanneB on March 12, 2013, 06:06:33 PM
My big reality check that I discovered and pass on to all that can use it is the next time ou go grocery shopping and you are waiting on the checkout line, put down that magazine and take a critical look at all the "typical" women there. They come in all shapes and sizes and especially gradients of the "feminine ideal". Mostly at the low end of the scale. I think since most just hate being women!
Isn't that the truth though!
and what exactly does a cis girl look like? in case nobody here seems to notice, they're just as varied as males. it's all about framing, makeup, and accessories. if you facial features are really that male, don't pout, save up or learn how to contour with makeup extremely well. there are workarounds.
I think this was the most difficult part of transition. The expectations I made going in were too high and it really hurt emotionally once I figured this out and I was quite down about it for a long time. I learned over time to still set my expectations high, but to allow those expectations to change and evolve over time. I still do this. My expectations were much different at day one than they were at one year, even when they were not fulfilled. But, many times my expectations were met or exceeded. I have come to accept things for what they are, based on what I can do about it, within my own limitations. Did it stop my transition? No, but I learned to be happy and accepting for who I am, to be more confident, and to concentrate on those things I could change. You are young and only at 5 months in. From my perspective you have so much to gain, so much to still live, to change. Stand tall knowing in your own mind you are beautiful and you are you. Your joy will come.
Quote from: Venus-Castina on March 12, 2013, 08:31:21 PM
I am sorry but I don't agree with you.
Not passing means I have a visible, recognizable male body and voice. Having these male traits is part of what is causing me to experience genderdysphoria.
To me transition is about eliminating this genderdysphoria and thus obtaining a convincing female appearance. If this is not achieved my transition will be a (partial) failure.
I'll take a partial win over a total loss any day of the week.
I think it varies by person. Some people maybe have more of a body dysmorphia problem and some people are more internalized about the nature of their trans-ness. But we probably all have some mixture of both.
For the body dysmorphia arena... I feel like we are sooo lucky these days. Back when there was no FFS, no SRS, no laser hair removal, no HRT... what would we have done then? We would either have had to live with it or choose not to live at all. Rough!
Today is an amazing age, where so much can be done and so much can be shared so easily. It is really incredible. If you have the drive to "get there", it can be done. That's all it takes. Motivation and passion for working towards a goal.
Well it takes money too. Sometimes on this board, and specifically related to DIY hormones, the reason for DIY is a lack of money and being born in a lower social stratus. There is not much upward mobility in the US, at all. The main gatekeeper is money; you have it you can transition, you don't, well, you have few options.
there are many many ways to make money. I had a job when I was 18 that got me about 140 a day tutoring some kids on art. Some days I had more students and could get a whole weeks worth of cashing a day compared to my other job at starbucks. (about 300-400 a week minimum wage). So it's definitely possible to make the money if you're willing work yourself more than 60 hours a week and put in a little entrepreneurship and creative spirit. But yeah, those were the days, making anywhere from 1.4 to 2 grand a week.
Quote from: tomthom on March 12, 2013, 11:39:33 PM
there are many many ways to make money.
This is true
I got 10 gold pieces for clearing giant spiders from a farm ;D :P
Sorry I'm being silly...
Money is out there, ya just gotta go and get it!
I know I know easier said than done right?
You could always clear giant spiders from a farm! Oh wait someone already said that
Quote from: MaidofOrleans on March 13, 2013, 12:51:30 AM
This is true
I got 10 gold pieces for clearing giant spiders from a farm ;D :P
Sorry I'm being silly...
Spiders scare me, that option is gone :'(
Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 12, 2013, 11:11:27 PM
Well it takes money too. Sometimes on this board, and specifically related to DIY hormones, the reason for DIY is a lack of money and being born in a lower social stratus. There is not much upward mobility in the US, at all. The main gatekeeper is money; you have it you can transition, you don't, well, you have few options.
Eh... DIY isn't exactly cheap either. Even with the cheapest internet prices, it's still like $100 a month in meds minimum, even if you're just going for the bare minimum doses of the cheapest forms of estrogen and anti-androgens. For the more effective estrogens and anti-androgens, and for full doses of all of these, especially if hair restoration drugs are added into the equation, it can be as high as $200 a month. That's what I was paying before I finally got health insurance and switched over to official medical care. (And yes, I know that was stupid, so there's no need to lecture me here about how stupid it was to go on DIY HRT before I had health insurance. I know. I was desperate at the time, didn't know about informed-consent, and wasn't willing to wait what I thought was going to be months for an official therapist letter because of all of the horror stories I had heard about "gatekeeping." I was wrong. I'll admit that. But that's another reason why people start with DIY... because they don't want to jump through the legal hoops to get there, and don't want to wait any longer. And again, I was wrong about that. I didn't know how easy it would be to get on HRT if I just explained my situation honestly to an understanding doctor at a local clinic that was used to dealing with transgender patients. And doing HRT on a doctor's prescription, which is able to be fulfilled at pretty much any pharmacy, is actually saving me a good $150 per month in the costs of pills, because I can exploit Walmart's $8 prescriptions instead of paying $50 for a month's supply of just one of those prescriptions over the internet. So yeah... from personal experience, DIY is not cheaper. Easier, maybe, but not by much, and safer, DEFINITELY not. If something had happened, I'd have been s*** out of luck. So yeah... just see a doctor. In the long run, medical care is WAY cheaper, with way fewer risks. And there's a lot of LGBT-friendly clinics who are actually willing to waive the bills for those who are without health insurance and wouldn't be able to afford a doctor's visit otherwise. There's one right here in Cleveland, actually. I just didn't know about it until it was already too late.)
Emma you do appear very feminine even when you're ranting! I guess this means I shouldn't expect anything tomorrow either? I just started HRT today and love the possibilities! Can pigs really fly?
Hi,
Even for us who are female with the potential to become women dont all have the look of a female,
Even at birth we have an imbalance of our hormones yet they can & have helped in other ways, & untill we realise this when our changes are ready to take place we may miss out on the ...looks... that we may wish for,
I know my changes started 20 years ago, from with in my own body no external meds, & even then at a later date the starting of meds are only to maintain my body i did not expect much in the way of changes,
well not from the outer appreance any way, there were changes just lovely subtle little ones .
with meds think at least 5 to 7 years for change's to happen if one thinks like now or with in two years , then think again,
& remember drugs meds & hormones work differently for all of us,
any way what would i know im only a woman,
...noeleena...
Quote from: Venus-Castina on March 12, 2013, 08:31:21 PM
I am sorry but I don't agree with you.
Not passing means I have a visible, recognizable male body and voice. Having these male traits is part of what is causing me to experience genderdysphoria.
To me transition is about eliminating this genderdysphoria and thus obtaining a convincing female appearance. If this is not achieved my transition will be a (partial) failure.
It seems transition is how one personally defines it. For me it was being recognised as female by a stranger whilst wearing gender neutral clothing. Resolving the incongruity between how I saw myself and how others perceived me was critical. My goals at the very start were far less lofty. I think the goal post moved all the time.
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as for crippling social anxiety, me and my sister both have it. honestly the best advice that I know somebody is going to hate me for is "get over it." It's not like depression. It can be beat. It takes a long time, and a lot of practice, but baby steps can take you far.
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why do you assume such a large time frame of 5 years? that's an awful long time to rationalize and re-adjust. This is something that can easily be done within 6 months with perseverance and constant exposure. It's an acclimation process. human brain plasticity is literally made to adapt.
I dunno, just give it a go instead of making hypothetical time frames. It will work a lot faster that way.
.
Quote from: muuu on March 13, 2013, 10:51:02 AM
It's not like I haven't been to "therapy". Even if it'd just take a year, I'd still end up being about 30.
Losing years can actually be a big deal for some people, living a horrible life isn't very pleasant if there'll never come something good out of it. Especially when you've spent years waiting for care, and people tell you to not DIY, over exaggerating the risks, and won't help you with any information.
Sure, losing years sucks. But it is better to start later rather than not doing anything at all.
Quote from: tomthom on March 13, 2013, 10:31:12 AM
why do you assume such a large time frame of 5 years? that's an awful long time to rationalize and re-adjust. This is something that can easily be done within 6 months with perseverance and constant exposure. It's an acclimation process. human brain plasticity is literally made to adapt.
I dunno, just give it a go instead of making hypothetical time frames. It will work a lot faster that way.
I agree 100%!
muuu if you're assuming that is going to take you five years, then get ready for 10! I had mild anxiety with very intermittent social phobia for about a 2 years, and then it snowballed suddenly into crippling anxiety & social phobia that lasted about 6-7 months. When the crippling part started, I think I was your age exactly (23). As soon as I found out what was going on, I took it upon myself to fix it. ASAP! Who wants to live like that? Not me, I hated it and I hated myself for it!! I hated it so much that I drowned myself in literature, which helped the most. I knew I could see a therapist, but ultimately I would have to save myself... So I went for it! That's what we all have to do, a therapist is only going to help light the path. Luckily I found a few books at the university library that in some respects maybe saved my life (I never went suicidal though).
I changed my diet, got on an exercise plan, did everything the books suggested. And you know what? It worked swimmingly! Probably only because I really wanted it to, though. Now I'm 29 and I've never had a problem since. Actually my quality of living went up a lot- even though I wasn't in the mindspace to transition until last year.
Why do people fret over stuff they can't control? It does no good and gets old after awhile. Especially when people give you advice and support over and over again. It's not like anybody can help someone like that anyways....
Life as a transsexual is hard enough. Society puts enough in our way without us putting more for it to deal with. A positive outlook is huge. Look for any victory instead of every defeat.
.
Quote from: muuu on March 13, 2013, 03:26:26 PM
Pessimists/realists do get just as tired of optimists, as optimists get tired of pessimists/realists.
I'm both an optimist and a realist.. Being realistic is not pessimistic. And I think you are often a little too pessimistic, Muuu..
Muuu, I am gonna put this out there for you.
Before I started all this I was a complete and utter shaking mess, I was so manic and OCD with planning my transition I quite literally made myself physically ill. I used to spend hours and hours behind the computer researching absolutely everything over and over again, writing things down, creating time-lines & calendars and then remaking them every few days. Until 3am on work nights furiously staring at the box, my poor partner too had to bare witness to all my insanity and self inflicted sadness.
My plan too was originally a 3 year plan, I wasn't even going to dress female for the first 2 years - at all ever until I had been on hormones and had some FFS, seriously 2 years...
I must have been nuts when I look back now, I started dressing and going out after 3 months! and went full time in exactly a year. I had planned to have FFS in Thailand as it was the cheapest and most viable option, my list was extensive to say the least, I had not much cash but had some miraculous plan to save some $12k by then, yer right! ha.
I ended up having just a couple of things done here in the end.
Anyway the whole point of this is, pretty much nothing and I mean nothing turned out the way I had so intrinsically planned to the point of madness. I even dress completely the opposite of what I had imagined.
Seriously muuu give yourself a break, take a breath - it will be ok, it gets better and better as you go along.
and there ain't nothing wrong with being 30! I started at 33 and I'm sure you have seen my before and afters.
Breathe honey :)
Jay-Bird
We know your point Muuu.... we've heard it over and over.
But I guess outlook and reality is why I am happy and you... well.. don't seem like you can be. Sorry!
You seem to have been quite down on yourself recently Emma. I am hoping this is just a phase, you know like we all go through, and you will be turning a corner and watching the spring come in with a smile on your face, because if I looked in the mirror and saw what you saw, I know I sure would. :-)
Hugs.
Steph :-)
x
Muuu, what exactly is impossible about bettering oneself and making things happen? Isn't that part of this whole crazy thing? That and I gave an example of how I was making money, and I'm pretty sure working at starbucks and being a tutor to children takes pretty much zero credentials, yet it is a viable option that I had for sustaining myself.
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Quote from: muuu on March 14, 2013, 02:14:24 AM
Then why is there so much like this then?
Because their outlook is only negative too.
I'm not speaking about whether or not passing is the most important thing. I'm talking about only being able to see negative and anticipating only negativity. So much so to the point where you stall doing things like... being yourself or presenting as the person you want to be seen as.
Body takes work. Mind takes work. Life takes work.
Work is rewarding every time whether we predeterminately choose to see the good or the bad. It's all just a matter of opinion and judgement based on our own personal histories.
Learn, adapt, grow, prosper. Every step is earned with energy we all possess, and nobody is wrong for thinking the way they do be it pessimistic or optimistic. One thing remains true: we ALL have to work on stuff to see or feel any reward. It's the healthy transaction that keeps us ticking as human beings, trans or not.
Quote from: Jennygirl on March 14, 2013, 04:26:22 AM
Body takes work. Mind takes work. Life takes work.
Work is rewarding every time whether we predeterminately choose to see the good or the bad. It's all just a matter of opinion and judgement based on our own personal histories.
Learn, adapt, grow, prosper. Every step is earned with energy we all possess, and nobody is wrong for thinking the way they do be it pessimistic or optimistic. One thing remains true: we ALL have to work on stuff to see or feel any reward. It's the healthy transaction that keeps us ticking as human beings, trans or not.
+1
I was 6 ft & 250 lbs of blubber gave up on transitioning twice in my early 20's and a train wreck when it came to self esteem and self worth thanks to a lot of issues growing up. Especially the 6 ft 250 lb part.
Loosing the weight was hard, but far far easier then the personal growth I need to do all while dealing with the crap life throws at you... just to keep things interesting.
It is now over 30 years since my failed transition experiments. The dream is still alive. The reality of achieving it is far far closer.
You will eventually pass as a cis-female. Don't put to much emphasis on conventional beauty, but I do understand the need to pass, for me, that is the whole point. I am already in touch with my "inner female" so passing to me is about connecting a disconnect.
Quote from: girl you look fierce on March 14, 2013, 03:12:27 PM
These things are not inaccessible you just put distance to them in your head because you're afraid. I passed 100% from day 1, minute 1, I was never sir'ed or he'd (aside from old family) again and maybe I had some luck on my side physically but it doesn't change the fact that before that I was passing almost always male with the same exact body, face and hair... you gotta accept that presentation is an enormous factor and making the effort will be worth it.
toooootally
You are WAY speaking my language.
If there's one thing I took away from design school, it's that "presentation is everything".
I think of it as "catching up" to cis females' presentation techniques without the social guidance and learning spread across an entire adolescence/adulthood... takes a lot of work! I'm still going as hard as ever, it's a work in progress. Different from you, I'm learning as I go because I am comfortable not passing all the time right now... but the goal is definitely to always pass.
Presentation is definitely an enormous factor, but not the only one. For me, transition would be impossible without at least hormones to slow down the growth of facial hair... You said you could transition in 5 minutes, well I used to be able to grow a beard in 5 minutes ;)
Speaking of which, I gotta go shopping ASAP
lol
The OP wrote,
Quote from: EmmaS on March 12, 2013, 01:15:48 AM
...I'm finally starting to really accept that it's not magic, it's not going to change my features enough and turn me into this beautiful woman that I wish I could see in the mirror. It's time to realize that for myself and that really hurts to feel that, but why give myself more false hope at this point. I wasn't being realistic and I'm starting to accept that even though it's really hard for me for some reason....
I think this is nearly the best perspective one could have.
My dream is that my physical transition goes quickly, without issue, and results in a beautiful twenty-year-old coed with Barbie-like measurements.
My expectation is that I may one day pass and with each day, whether or not I pass, my appearance becomes more feminine. Five months on HRT, this expectation is being met.
I find a weekly support group and biweekly individual therapy helpful in maintaining this expectation. My dysphoria fades in intensity as I lower my expectations to what is reasonable and become more feminine in appearance. Most days, I am grateful for 1) a supportive environment, 2) access to hormones, 3) good therapy, and 4) growing confidence in transition. When I get down, I try to remember these things.
Oh, and I need to get a new pic up. Things are looking better these days!