I'm sorry you all have to read this, really, but here goes:
I don't want to live. Enough. I'm a burdensome leech, that would be better off dead. I just want to go the heck to sleep, and not wake up. It's too much. I am just really down, seems like nothing but HRT is going right. Even then, my accepting family says my face hasn't changed an iota since starting, even if breasts have, sigh.. I hate my body so badly, because I can't have a family someday, and nobody wants a freak like me, I can't have a boyfriend because of this stupid thing, my darn voice... then I did crummy on my first exams again, as always, just what I needed, right? Then I do acting on the side... I get two great opportunities, with people I know, and I blow those, and I bet I'm awful at the one thing that keeps me at least mildly happy. I can't even watch a movie that's comedic, it makes me sad and cry rather hard, not only for the characters, but external message, and why I'm not doing acting. Just why this life? Add that to the fact I'm worried about my friend, who also is a member here, and really, really depressed, as well and I haven't heard from in a couple weeks, and if I lose her, it's going to get lower than I thought possible.
I'm not calling 911, not at this hour (I'm on the US East Coast), I know that. Not sure what I can do, but this is like my last hope- there's no gun, pills, or things like that around here, but I just want this to end, I don't want to live another day. Living it as me would be a great boost, but sigh, that won't happen. Ditto the right body, I am nowhere close, both in terms of elapsed time and funds.
This isn't a one time deal either, this has happened a lot the past few weeks, and I think it goes beyond the thankfully small savior of HRT/moodiness (or mood swings). I don't know what I'm living for, though...I do fine in class, but so what, that's not really a positive in the scheme of things for me, it's more of a constant, making any grade not up to my standards even more of a let down, just like that exam grade.
I want a way out; I wish I could just sleep and not wake up...no life, no romantic relationship, wrong body, being turned down again, and again for a hobby that keeps me sane, what do I live for? To live as me? I don't think I can last that long, I doubt the week, at this point. Just something, something needs to go right, I hate life....I want to just go away, have never have existed, to have never bugged anyone I have over the years...I'm worthless. If you read all this, thanks, and I unfortunately will be back to read it, as I have no way of ending this personal hell.
Woah woah woah
No more crazy talk you can't end it girly you need to keep Your head high. Trust me we are all struggling, some more than others but that's no reason to give up. Your life is too important to end because its your own and only one. Please do not take that path, you are better than that.
Wow, I'm indebted to all of you, thanks so much for your responses and PMs (which thankfully weren't PMS inducing, you know?)- they mean a lot to know I'm not alone, there's hope, among other things. I figure I probably should sleep on this- though I better tell family, call the therapist I needed to dial later today. I'm still feeling rather down, but you all really have helped a fair share...a good dream or something is really in need here, so I hope I get one. That, and something in the real world that's external, noting who I am, like a simple referral to me as Jessica- that always brings me comfort. Just wish, as we all do, to get that ugly part inside out today/tomorrow. :'(
Apologies for a 'mememe' thread and all this mess; you really are friends indeed.
~Jessica
Hi, Jessica, sorry you're having a bad spell.There's a million reasons to live, one of the most important reasons is that friend you mentioned. You need to be there for her, you might be her last ray of hope. Sometimes a few words from a friend are all we need to make things all right. Hugs, Devlyn
You are not alone Jessica, many of us understand these feelings as many of us have had these feelings at times also
We are all here for you, stay with us
Hugs
Hi Jessica,
Hang in there girl. We all need you here.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, we are all more than willing to lend it to you.
Huggs
Maegan
G'Day Jessica,
Please don't do anything to yourself!
We all do care and understand how you are feeling. I personal have just gone through a very rough time also.
It would be a good idea to seek some help with your issue's, I did, and now I see the light at the end of the tunnel! If I had not got some help I would not be here.
I find it hard to open up and talk about my issues, but I had to, to sort my issue's so I could be around longer for my family.
Think of your accepting family, how would they feel if you are not around? Would they miss you? By saying they accept you, they would miss not having you around, plus how upsetting it would be for your family!
This is what I think about to change how I'm thinking if I am really down with my depression. I stop dwelling on myself and think about the important people in my life (which like many here, is not a lot). But I think how would they feel if I did myself in, would they be upset? Of course they would be, so I get busy to stop think so much about my problems, as there is always someone worse off that myself.
Please hang in there, we are here for you!
Lot of hugs
Angela
I have to get work done for classes, but cannot focus...I find my self massively down again. I feel hopeless, very tired of these thoughts, and it doesn't seem like there's anything I can do. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, and go to class, I'm not worthy, and this life isn't worth it. :(
There are a lot of us here who have been down the same road and are now here to say it can get a lot better. It is hard, no doubt about that, but it is worth it. You can be the girl of your dreams.
When you make your therapist's appointment, be totally honest, they are working for you and can only help if you let them know how you are really feeling. If necessary take any meds until you are back on an even keel. They are not the whole answer, but they are a bloody good Band-Aid.
You have a family of thousands out here who have been there, and will offer whatever support we can. Take it one day at a time and it won't feel so bleak.
Hugs sis.
Karen.
.
I have felt and still feel the same way you are, right now, every freakin' minute of every freakin' day for the last ten years. I wish sometimes I had manic depression just to have the "high moments" but I don't. They are all low moments. For me it's not about being transgendered but another thing or things that are irelevent to your post.
Your family doctor can prescribe you medication such as anti depressants but don't expect instant results. It may take a couple of weeks for them to actually work. In my case, what my doctor prescribes and has prescribed me over the years me doesn't work. If that happens to be your case, let your therapist refer you to a Psychiatrist because most General Practitioners don't understand the brain as much as someone that specializes in that area. The only thing that somewhat relieves my depression and anxiety is Xanax, if only for an hour or two at a time.
Just hang in there. I am living proof that you can live with these feelings for a prolonged period of time. Start to agressively trying to treat the depression with your GP, Therapist and or Psychiatry now. I'm just now starting to do this myself. I didn't when it started getting out of hand and ergo why I have suffered for so long with it. It is something that you probably aren't going to be able to treat yourself, and another reason why I have had it for so long.
As for ending it all. I won't lie and tell you I haven't thought about it everyday. When I think about it though, I think of those around me such as family and friends that would mourn over me, even if I wouldn't. I don't want them to feel guilty of feeling like they couldn't see the problems before it was too late. I think about the old M*A*S*H song of "suicide is painless", it isn't and won't be whether for an instant or hours, and put it in my mind as "suicide is senseless". Because it really is. I think about if there is an afterlife, and the regret I would end up feeling there. I also think that we are all going to die one day soon enough as it is, so really why rush it. Since you have an accepting family, lean on them.
As for romance and the fear of having a lack of it, there is someone out there for everyone. Just have a little patience and let it come naturally. You are not worthless. That is just the low self esteem issues that come with the depression. Try to focus on the things that are working for you and going right. Particularly your HRT, you metioned. You metioned your voice, work on it with a recorder because what we hear inside our heads may not sound accurate to someone else. You are very fortunate that you have a supporting family, be grateful for that and focus on it as a positive.
Just try to start treating the depression now especially if it has been a while that you've had these feelings.
I hope you feel better soon.
Life ain't fair, so we all need some mememe time. I have been reaching those lows often, but primarily due to relationship drama. Once in a while the dysphoria pops up, and I just don't want to be alone forever but I know I wont be but my mind makes me fear otherwise.
Might I say watching anime doesn't help xD most of the relationships there are so idyllic o-o!
I've said this before and I'll say it again: Been there, done that, had my stomach pumped at one point and did a week visit at a hospital's mental institution before they thought it was safe enough for me to go home. I'm on antidepressants and antianxiety medications to help with it.
And you know what? Last week it got so bad I nearly did it again. Even with the pills. The thing is, is that in the grand scheme of things, my life isn't so bad, but my mind still finds way to twist everything around and make it feel like the end of the world. I hate it so much, and I wish it would stop. Preferably with my life intact. :P
One of the things which defines a woman is that they just don't quit. They never give up. That's what makes them mothers. If you care to stand outside a prison one day and you see a woman walking towards it there's a 50/50 chance that it's a mother who's going to see her son. Doesn't really matter what the son has done, he could have committed a terrible crime. But she's there, because she's not prepared to give up on him.
I don't know where you live, but chances are, no matter where you live, you'll wake up in the morning and one of the things you hear is a bird singing, or if you're lucky, more than one. You might want to go over and try and find that bird, and just watch them. The bird sings, it doesn't worry about where it's going to get food or how long it takes it to get to where it's going to migrate. It's there, living for the moment.
Nobody said that being trans is easy. It's not, quite often it's difficult and you have to struggle and fight for stuff that most other people take for granted.
When you take a look at the bigger picture it's scary, and if you keep looking at the bigger picture not only will it keep on being scary. It will depress you.
Life is too difficult at times to keep looking at the bigger picture. Sometimes you've got to give it all you've got just to get through the day. That's when yoju need to try and let go of the past, and the future, and try and live in the present, for the moment.
Another thing is there's going to be times along your journey when people will let you down, dismiss you, place obstacles in your path, and these are times when you have to turn round and say 'Okay, I'm going to have to rely on me.' You can rely on yourself, can't you?
But there will always be people out there who will support you and help you, and all you have to do is find them.
I speak from experience. My parents never accepted me, neither did my sister or most of my family. I'm here in the UK, and the family who accept me are all in Canada. I've gone through times when I didn't have friends, or a job, or a home, or anything.
I don't think I'm a special case either. I'm sure there's lots of people like me.
I know what it's like to be depressed, to feel nothing, my coping mechanism was apathy. I could once spend 12 hours straight staring at the wall or ceiling in my home, not wanting to move, not wanting to even think.
There have been suicidal thoughts. That's when you have to get up and do something. Go see a doctor. Reach out, find your friends and if you don't have them just find people who can support you.
But you can't give up on yourself. Not now, not ever.
I hit a major depression some time ago. I had an aunt from South Africa who supported me, and she sent me a link to a song which inspired me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcKoYGNj0BU&feature=fvwp&NR=1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcKoYGNj0BU&feature=fvwp&NR=1)
Please listen to the words of the song. It might help.
I hope something happens which helps you to feel better about the way things are. But please...
...don't give up on yourself. Okay?
I don't know you Jessica, but I just want to hug you. I know all too well how you feel but it can get better. I don't know anything about you except what you have posted here but if you've only been on HRT for a short time... The emotions and hormones will even out in time. Just keep your eye on the prize and remember we are ALL pulling for ya!
Really sorry to make you all read this again. I just want out, and I'm living for one reason: I have no way out. I was seeing a romantic comedy about an hour ago, because, well, I like them, a lot, love how funny they are, how relationships always end up well in them. I think I picked the wrong one: Nine Months, which while hilarious, broke me down into tears, twice, and beyond. When the women were giving me birth, I felt bad enough, but it made me think to myself, "What good of a woman am I if I can't have kids of my own. Adoption is there, but not quite the same. And besides, people would accept it more if I was a natal female, and feel bad about my loss/misfortune. Doesn't make them less of women, no, but they usually have at least have an ovary or something. And wait...these women all have husbands, I've never had so much as a darn relationship. And they have that right part...just WHY, WHY, WHY!?" So, I search up on how to cope with female infertility, and I hear these amazing stories about how such and such lady conceived after so many tries, or using your eggs for a surrogate, and finally the tests to check on said infertility. Well, with this crap of a life, no test needed; no eggs, no uterus. Useless am I, forever.
I just want out, please, something...end my pain. I can't go to class in 6 hours, no way. Last chance hope here. I got nothing but you all left, if that. :'(
Hi Jessica,
Hugs honey.
One of my greatest desires was to carry children, and I couldn't even sire them after I was basically castrated as a teen when attacked. Many natal woman can't have babies either. But we can adopt them! We can nurture and love and feed and give them life.
We can raise our children to be healthy beautiful people. We can be mothers.
Never give up hope of that.
This life is hard but it is the one we have and I can assure you that when I was rescued from suicide I thought it was to return to the living hell, I was wrong. I did grow, I did succeed, I am me, I am loved, I am respected, I'm not insulted. I live proudly as a woman in my society and I hide from nothing and no one. I am me and I don't give a monkey's backside to anyone who thinks differently.
You can as well my sister. You can walk this path, the world is there for you.
Hugs Sis and take care.
I'm here when you need to talk to me.
Cindy
Many people here love you Jessica, you are a wonderful gal and would be sadly missed
Adoption sounds a good idea, many children are longing for a loving mum and I bet you'd be great :)
Hugs
Quote from: Jessica N on April 22, 2013, 03:11:37 AM
Really sorry to make you all read this again. I just want out, and I'm living for one reason: I have no way out. I was seeing a romantic comedy about an hour ago, because, well, I like them, a lot, love how funny they are, how relationships always end up well in them. I think I picked the wrong one: Nine Months, which while hilarious, broke me down into tears, twice, and beyond. When the women were giving me birth, I felt bad enough, but it made me think to myself, "What good of a woman am I if I can't have kids of my own. Adoption is there, but not quite the same. And besides, people would accept it more if I was a natal female, and feel bad about my loss/misfortune. Doesn't make them less of women, no, but they usually have at least have an ovary or something. And wait...these women all have husbands, I've never had so much as a darn relationship. And they have that right part...just WHY, WHY, WHY!?" So, I search up on how to cope with female infertility, and I hear these amazing stories about how such and such lady conceived after so many tries, or using your eggs for a surrogate, and finally the tests to check on said infertility. Well, with this crap of a life, no test needed; no eggs, no uterus. Useless am I, forever.
I just want out, please, something...end my pain. I can't go to class in 6 hours, no way. Last chance hope here. I got nothing but you all left, if that. :'(
Not to be the bearer of bad news but fertility and having children does not make one a woman nor does it make on a functioning decent human being. There is so much more to living life than giving birth and you and I certainly aren't "useless" for not being able to.
There are plenty of women who choose not to have kids or can't have them. That doesn't make them less of a woman, I met a girl who had both or her ovaries removed at a young age because of complications and she's still a woman. You can't let your identity and reason for living sit all on one aspect of life.
You still have so much life to live, people to meet, friends to make, relationships to forge and accomplishments to strive for.
I guess there is something suicidal out in the air recently...
Jess, I almost succeeded at what are planning now. I had the guts but my stomach was too weak. If not, most probably I would not be writing here now. I still woke up the next morning, and guess what - I am still the same person, with same issues and struggles. I went through very weird experience and clearly I would have done fine without it, but what is done is done, and it is a part of my past. But those things dont help You getting closer to fulfill Your dreams - unfortunately thats not the way it works. They just cancel You together with Your dreams. And not all of those women, You mentioned, had their dreams fulfilled. I suspect that in many, if not most cases, adoption was their option to fulfill their dream. And this option will work for You too - unless You will do something, which will cross it out.
Be strong, carry Your own way and for God's sake, do not watch Hollywood movies when You are depressed. I swear, the way they make them, tends to multiply depression.
Jessica,
I know things may look dark at this moment, but things DO get better. I have talked to so many people in life that were depressed and suicidal and almost unanimously there responses are that they are glad they decided life. I understand the loneliness and desire to have a man in your life. However, there is nothing stopping you from finding that special somebody. Have faith in yourself and things will get better.
If your loneliness gets the best of you and you're in need of a friend, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm more than happy to have a new friend :) Also, you have a whole forum here of people that are here for you.
But please, don't hurt yourself! It is the worst thing you can do. There is so much to live for even if you don't have it all at this very moment.
Jessica,
As others have pointed out, there's more to being a woman than giving birth. There are reasons to enjoy and be proud to be a woman besides giving birth. Yes, it's a wondrous thing that we as transwomen don't get to experience. But as others have also pointed out, adoption can be an option. It's not impossible, and it doesn't make you something less than a mother if you haven't carried the child inside you. I'm sure you can find a lot of adoptive mothers on the internet talking about how important the experience is for them.
And not every woman is in a relationship, or in a good relationship. And being trans doesn't mean that you can't find a good relationship someday, or find a husband.
Whatever darkness you're in right now will pass. Darkness always passes. And if it's taking too long to do so, find a good therapist so that you can talk about these issues. Talk to your friends, including the women here.
Don't hurt yourself. Suicide closes down possibilities. It is the end of possibilities. When you're down in the darkness, you can't see that there are possibilities and paths, that they are there ahead of you. They may take a while to get to, they may take a lot of work to get to, but they are there. And you will not be able to experience them if you kill yourself.
Please listen to the other women here, and please take care of yourself.
I'm useless, couldn't even smother myself right about 15 minutes ago. Please...why can't I do anything right? Grades, this, you name it. I mean, I want to go to class, so I can complete assignments, in like 90 minutes, but on the other hand, I don't, if you know what I mean? I feel really ugly; I've got my eyes, which, I see are nice, but beyond that? Heck if I know. I'm not sure what to do. I'm more depressed because I failed at something else now, what a shock.
Whatever happened to childhood, innocent me that always did well, liked a challenge, and was...happy? Really, I was happy growing up (until around 13), despite wrong body, I got toys I wanted, so I had Easy Bake and such then, dolls, etc. Family probably saved me there, and I don't if that's true or not, but, I think they did. Even now, they wouldn't want me, better to not exist, after all, I am a mooch.
PS: I'm noticing these happen a lot on Mondays (or at least around Mondays). I don't cycle HRT, either, wonder why that is?
Jessica, have You talked about this with Your therapist? The reason I am asking is because I dont know how young You are and being TG often comes in comorbidity with other syndroms. Maybe You have a bit of bipolar disorder, hence the mood swings? For example, when I was child/teen I had hyperactive-impulsive variant (ADHD-HI) of attention deficit disorder. In fact, many of those diagnosed with the GD have other "kinks" in their heads, which on their own can pretty much complicate our lives.
Please DO NOT GIVE UP. Many of us went through something like this, and I am telling you from my own experience. You will find a way to accept your body and live with it. Even with all this imperfections and maybe in the future opportunity will present itself that will allow you to correct them. But once you throw your life away, it's over. There will be no second chances. Future is really unpredictable. You need to focus your attention on something else. Force it if you have to. Get yourself so tired, that you will have no energy to think about anything else, but do not give in to those thoughts.
Quote from: Jessica N on April 29, 2013, 05:35:55 AM
I'm useless, couldn't even smother myself right about 15 minutes ago. Please...why can't I do anything right? Grades, this, you name it. I mean, I want to go to class, so I can complete assignments, in like 90 minutes, but on the other hand, I don't, if you know what I mean? I feel really ugly; I've got my eyes, which, I see are nice, but beyond that? Heck if I know. I'm not sure what to do. I'm more depressed because I failed at something else now, what a shock.
Whatever happened to childhood, innocent me that always did well, liked a challenge, and was...happy? Really, I was happy growing up (until around 13), despite wrong body, I got toys I wanted, so I had Easy Bake and such then, dolls, etc. Family probably saved me there, and I don't if that's true or not, but, I think they did. Even now, they wouldn't want me, better to not exist, after all, I am a mooch.
PS: I'm noticing these happen a lot on Mondays (or at least around Mondays). I don't cycle HRT, either, wonder why that is?
Well first of all,
nobody is useless. That's just silly talk.
I do suggest discussing these feelings with a therapist and finding the core of what it is that is making you feel this way. These negative thoughts are all in your head I can guarantee it. Only you however have the power to stop them.
That happy, well doing, challenge seeking you is still in there. You just need to save her.