Hi all,
So this is going to be a long post. I just want to make sure I say everything and give the full story so its fully understood where I and my girlfriend may stand. I will try to keep it short and just point out the main things.
First off I recently started a relationship with my roommate. She's 11 years older than me and she has an 11 year old son. I'm 20. I was inexperienced and never had a relationship with anyone in the past. Just to put it out there.
We met at my old high school in 2011 where we both worked as temps. She is the older sister of my counselor. May seem weird, but whatever. My counselors are/were close to me because they helped me out when I first came out in 2010. Anyway, my girlfriend knew of my couch surfing and knew I didn't have a stable home because of problems with my family and she needed help, so she offered me a room at her house.
I moved in with her in November 2011 and we had a lot of problems at the beginning. We hated each other but we stuck through it and moved on. I was going to tell her of my ftm status before moving in but she stopped me when I told her about my testosterone so I felt, on a roommate basis it's not important.
As time went on I developed a liking for her. She always called me gross and what not, so I never felt the need to tell her this or even dreamed of telling her. We also grew closer and we became friends. We would tell each other everything and started doing more things together. There came different times where I felt I should tell her of my status but I would back away from it.
Then about 2-3 months ago our conversations started getting more initmate. Through a series of conversations it became known that I liked her. She was a little put back by it at first and would tell me that I don't know what I want, she's old and I only like her because she's the only thing around. Because she was so conflicted by this I still felt I didn't need to tell her.
Then one night we were outside talking again and she kissed me. After that kiss she said to me, now you're next one won't be so hard. In my mind I was taken a back by it because she would always go back and forth on what she wanted with me. She always told me it wasn't everything else, it was she felt she could never tell her son about us.
A couple days passed and finally she told me that if I was okay with people not knowing we could be together. I agreed but then it became real that I had to tell her. I ended up telling her about two days after that. She got really mad and said that its not the transition it's that I wasnt honest with her and didn't trust her with that kind of information. She told me that she had been completely honest with me from the beginning and we stopped talking for three days. It was very difficult because of how cold she got.
After that we did talk a little and she cooled down. That morning after that talk i went to give her a hug and she gave me a kiss and left to work. We resumed the relationship but then a day later she came home crying. She yelled at me and told me I should have let her make that decision because now she doesn't know how to live without me. She said that I'm the third person to break her heart and that she hasn't cried like this since her mom passed away. She said that she had been looking up surgeries and got scared that I could actually die. That she doesn't know if she can actually go through that with me. I hugged her and told her that I would always be here no matter what. That night I slept in her bed to try and make sure she knew I was here.
Anyway point being. We've gone and passed through some of it. But there are days where she gets extremely cold with me and tells me to leave her alone. I do things for her all the time and it just constantly feels like I'm unappreciated. I'm trying not to be selfish here because I made the mistake of not telling her sooner. We both agreed on an open honest relationship and she tells me she loves me and says all these things to me but then gets angry out of no where. When I Try to confront her about these things she says, you wanted this.
I get she can be like this at times and because I'm laid back and patient, I really think its the reason we've come this far. I truly love her and we constantly talk about spending the rest of our lives together. But at times I feel like she's pushing me away for whatever reasons. She thinks I will be over her in a couple years and sometimes I feel like she pushes my buttons to see how much I can take. It hurts at times. Emotionally, because then I start thinking about how crazy I am for being with her. Being with someone who I feel doesn't appreciate me as much as they should. Someone who I feel doesn't truly love me at times.
And honestly I'm stuck. I don't know what I'm asking for. Advice? Guidance? Just someone to talk to? I feel like I'm also sacrificing things to be with her. Maybe it's dangerous. I don't know. I know she may think about how I betrayed her and that's why she gets mad at times? I've tried asking but she doesn't tell me. How's that for honesty. When things are okay I do feel that love though. I don't know.