Hi guys and girls,
i am new here. :) I am a 29 years old Female to Male transsexual which as all of you know means that i was born a female but i have always felt and wanted to be a male.
I wanted to be a boy ever since i can remember myself which is probably since i was 3-4 years old and i totally hated playing with dolls and dressing like a girl. I kept asking my parents to treat me like a boy and i would get very angry with them every time they treated me like a girl.
Anyway, the thing is - i have never been attracted to girls. I've always liked men. I am not Bi. I like men and that's it. The thing is - i know that the majority of transsexual people are attracted to the opposite sex. But i feel like a man and still i am attracted to men! So i guess that makes me a gay guy.
My question is - are there any other FTM or MTF transsexuals that are the same way??? I feel really lonely and depressed about this! This is a very big problem for me because normal men don't like me cos i dress like a man and gay men don't like me too cos i am not a real man! :'( :'(
Sometimes i think about killing myself. No this is a lie. All the time i think about killing myself!!! For me this is impossible to be happy in this world! I feel like a total freak and nothing can make me happy. i really hate my body and i totally hate being a female when all i ever wanted was to be a man!!! :(((((
I can't speak for others, but so far 8 months of hormones hasn't changed my sexual orientation, which is bisexual with a strong preference for trans and cis women (but also attraction to some trans men... very few CIS guys so far). YMMV, but it seems like transitioning doesn't fundamentally change the sexual orientation of many folks.
Quote from: dean1229 on March 23, 2013, 04:02:04 PM
Hi guys and girls,
Sometimes i think about killing myself. No this is a lie. All the time i think about killing myself!!! For me this is impossible to be happy in this world!
Don't think about that Dean, well you'v come to the right place, you'll get a lot of respect here and make good friends with guys and girls in the same situation as your goodself, it will all work out for you, take care.
Pauline
Thanks for ur answer, well my biggest problem is that i am a FTM transsexual who happens to like guys. The vast majority of FTM like girls. But i hate dressing like a woman, this makes me feel like i've been just raped or sth like that and i feel totally awful and i feel disgusting when i dress like a woman. So so called "normal' and straight guys don't like me cos i look and act like a man. They totally hate that. But gay guys don't like me too cos biologically i am a female. All this makes it impossible for me to find a partner, someone to love me. :(((( I really feel like a major failure and a waste of space. :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Hi Dean, :icon_wave:
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Janet )O(
Hi Ms. OBrien CVT :)
Nice to meet you. :)
Well i guess transsexual people are the only ones who will really understand me. It doesn't really matter who they are - FTM or MTF. You are the ones to understand what i am going through. The rest of the world thinks i am just a freak who is really crazy and needs to see a shrink. I am so tired of this. Of this situation where no one is of any help. Everyone who is normal thinks this is something that is too weird for their minds. :(
Hi Dean, welcome to Susan's Place. You just had three perfectly normal people, Johnnie, Pauline, and MsO'Brien tell you that this isn't too weird for their minds. You've just been hanging around the wrong people. Hugs, Devlyn
Devlyn Marie
Thanks girl :) I really appreciate that.
The problem is that we are a minority and the vast majority of people think we are freaks... I know you will say i don't have to hang around them but you know they are all around us and they will always say we are freaks and call us names and we will never be "normal" to them.
The thing that hurts me the most is that sometimes i have to compromise myself and sometimes i have to dress like a girl in order to seem "normal" to all those people. If i want a guy to like me i have to look like a girl. I still have long hair so it's not so hard. I just have to dress like a girl and put some make-up on. Which is totally dusgusting to me cos i HATE looking like a woman and i HATE being sexy in a feminine way. I just hate when men treat me like a woman and look at my feminine parts. :( Unfortunately, i don't really have a choice cos i like men and they will never go out with a girl who looks and acts like a guy.
But i am so tired cos i am not a woman so i hate pretending to be one!!! Yet, i am not a real man too, even though i am really tall and it's not a big problem for me to pass as a man. But i don't have male parts and this really makes me feel like a "fake" man... :(
Welcome to the forum, man! You certainly aren't alone.
Sure you can be FtM and like men, just like any other cisguy who likes men. Unfortunately, the LGB part of the alphabet soup, L and G especially, seem to dislike the T and enjoy kicking them around and looking down on them. But hey, just because your body doesn't confirm it doesn't mean you aren't as real of a man as any cisgendered male out there.
Out of curiosity, what's your situation right now? Are you living with your parents- if so, do they accept you, or are they still the way they were when you were younger? Are you on T at this point? Because it sounds like you haven't really begun some kind of transition, and that can help a lot with the horrible feelings you have over your body, something called dysphoria. It comes with the territory, pretty much everyone here has or has had it at some point. Hang in there, dean.
Once your post count is at 15, you can send people a private message. Feel free to send one if you need to talk to someone.
You're making lots of generalisations. Plus there's a lot more out there than men who like women and women who like men. Its called a gender spectrum for a reason. Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: dean1229 on March 23, 2013, 05:39:15 PM
Hi guys,
i've posted this in another thread before but i found this one now. I think this one is more suitable for me. ;)
First of all, i am new here. :) I am a Female to Male transsexual.
I wanted to be a boy ever since i can remember myself which is probably since i was 3-4 years old and i totally hated playing with dolls and dressing like a girl. I kept asking my parents to treat me like a boy and i would get very angry with them every time they treated me like a girl.
Anyway, the thing is - i have never been attracted to girls. I've always liked men. I am not Bi. I like men and that's it. The thing is - i know that the majority of transsexual people are attracted to the opposite sex. But i feel like a man and still i am attracted to men! So i guess that makes me a gay guy.
My question is - are there any other FTM transsexuals that are the same way??? I feel really lonely and depressed about this! This is a very big problem for me because normal men don't like me cos i dress like a man and gay men don't like me too cos i am not a real man! :'( :'(
Sometimes i think about killing myself. No this is a lie. All the time i think about killing myself!!! For me this is impossible to be happy in this world! I feel like a total freak and nothing can make me happy. i really hate my body and i totally hate being a female when all i ever wanted was to be a man!!! :(((((
Yes, that's called crossposting, and it's against our rules, so I have merged your topics together.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of suicide, please call one of the hotlines posted prominently on the Forums. Hugs, Devlyn
Plenty of gay transguys out there, I'm one of them. Fortunately for me, I'm perfectly happy being single and in hermit-mode, so I guess in the grand scheme of things, my sexuality doesn't make that much of a difference. That aside, there are definitely gay guys out there that can handle a bloke built from an alternative set of lego's.
Liminal Stranger
Thanks for your reply man! I am so happy to talk with somebody about this! I've tried keeping this problem a secret from pretty much everyone, including my parents, for the most of my life.
To answer your questions: no, i am not living with my parents right now, i live in another country. They are divorced and i only speak with my mother. She knows everything about my situation yet this is impossible for her to actually understand what i am going through. this is something that is beyond her. Even though we have a great relationship and we love each other so much. She will NEVER be able to accept the fact that i am not her DAUGHTER but in fact i am her SON! And no, i am not on T and i don't really know what to do! I would like to take T but this will lead to a lot of problems. Pretty much everyone who knows me thinks i am a girl and if i start taking T i will have to tell the truth to everybody and this makes me feel awful. :( Plus a lot of legal things like changing my passport, etc. I am really confused and i don't know what to do. OMG, how i wish i was born a boy and i wish i never had problems like this! :-\
And yes, i would really like to talk to you! In fact, i would love talking to FTMs transsexuals cos i have never talked to FTMs before. Why? Cos i pretty much tried to ignore this problem. I know it was so stupid cos this is me and this is my life.
Quote from: dean1229 on March 23, 2013, 04:26:03 PM
Thanks for ur answer, well my biggest problem is that i am a FTM transsexual who happens to like guys. The vast majority of FTM like girls. But i hate dressing like a woman, this makes me feel like i've been just raped or sth like that and i feel totally awful and i feel disgusting when i dress like a woman. So so called "normal' and straight guys don't like me cos i look and act like a man. They totally hate that. But gay guys don't like me too cos biologically i am a female. All this makes it impossible for me to find a partner, someone to love me. :(((( I really feel like a major failure and a waste of space. :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Dean, I don't see that as a "problem." True, it make things more difficult, but not impossible.
Think about it this way, there are people out there with a bi- or pan- orientation. It is a matter of putting yourself out there to find your soulmate.
Devlyn Marie
I am sorry for posting the same topic twice but this thread is more fitting for me. Sorry about this!
I think your stats are a little out of whack.. I'm MTF and I like women - so do many other MTF's I know.. Many of the FTM's I know out in the big, bad, wide world are gay..
In fact, as far as I'm aware, trans people are far more likely to be gay (lesbian) than the non-trans population..
Quote from: John Smith on March 23, 2013, 06:20:00 PM
Plenty of gay transguys out there, I'm one of them. Fortunately for me, I'm perfectly happy being single and in hermit-mode, so I guess in the grand scheme of things, my sexuality doesn't make that much of a difference. That aside, there are definitely gay guys out there that can handle a bloke built from an alternative set of lego's.
Really?? You are a gay transguy? I have never met a gay transguy before and i am totally and completely serious! I have tried ignoring my problem for so many years and i didn't want to go to forums like this one because i tried telling to myself "you can be normal, you can be a girl who likes guys, you can try to dress like a girl and you can try to act like one too, it won't kill you". But in the end, it was something like killing myself, like killing the real me, the one that has been inside of me for all those years.
So i am really happy to meet you and i can really understand what you mean. I think it's better for me to stay single too because i just CAN'T be with a man who treats me like a woman! This is so disgusting, i can't even tell! and of course i can't be with gay guys too cos i am not a real guy! So i guess i will have to stay single. Well this is what i have been for the most of my life anyway.
There are plenty of gay trans men out there!
For myself...I no longer find gender important when it comes to finding a partner. I used to consider myself straight but had difficulty finding partners that were cool with it and questioned myself on if I would feel comfortable dating a man. All in all, I think I would be comfortable with a guy but my preferences are towards women.
I feel similar to Nygeel, being trans has especially taught me that the outer packaging can really be deceiving. I'm currently with a rather feminine guy, first and only person I've trusted enough to date. We manage just fine :laugh:
Quote from: Jamie D on March 23, 2013, 06:35:20 PM
Dean, I don't see that as a "problem." True, it make things more difficult, but not impossible.
Think about it this way, there are people out there with a bi- or pan- orientation. It is a matter of putting yourself out there to find your soulmate.
I wish i could find my soulmate but in this world, this is all about the gender... And if you are "weird" and something"strange" - "normal" people won't go close to you. This is exactly the situation i am in. i have seen so much of rejection, you won't even believe it. I've always been extremely shy and quiet but this gender identity problem is the biggest one for me. :(
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on March 23, 2013, 06:38:42 PM
I think your stats are a little out of whack.. I'm MTF and I like women - so do many other MTF's I know.. Many of the FTM's I know out in the big, bad, wide world are gay..
In fact, as far as I'm aware, trans people are far more likely to be gay (lesbian) than the non-trans population..
Oh girl! I know this makes me sound strange but i've never known that! Most of the people i ever met were MTF that liked guys and FTM that liked girls! That's why my "stats" may seem a bit weird! Anyway, i would really like hearing your story, if you don't mind. :) Do you mind sharing it with me? How does it feel to be a MTF and liking girls? You can send a private message to me if you want to share it. I am really interested!
Quote from: dean1229 on March 23, 2013, 06:54:49 PM
I wish i could find my soulmate but in this world, this is all about the gender... And if you are "weird" and something"strange" - "normal" people won't go close to you. This is exactly the situation i am in. i have seen so much of rejection, you won't even believe it. I've always been extremely shy and quiet but this gender identity problem is the biggest one for me. :(
I'm not saying it is easy. Many of us feel like relationships are impossible, but they're not.
Trust me Dean, I had several failed straight, bi-, and gay relationships before I found one that stuck.
So just don't get down on yourself. You are not a freak, you are not damaged. OK?
I've had male bonding fantasies ever since I was small, and they began to be sexual when I was about thirteen. Men on men seemed perfectly natural and right to me. I didn't understand what any man could see in a girl. So I thought I was the freakiest pervert on the planet and, for a long time, didn't understand that most gay men have similar childhood fantasies. (Of course, I didn't know for sure that gay people existed until I was eighteen. I was born in the early sixties, so things were different for me.)
Bottom line (haha), I have identified as a gay man for most of my adult life, once I discovered a few things (such as the gay part of town and the very existence of FTMs). I live as a gay man now and am accepted by the gay community, although my friends do not know about my past.
Some gay trans men wind up with bi cisgender men, some with gay cisgender men, and some with other trans men. A few pair up with men who identify as straight but "make exceptions." If you are exclusively gay, that does limit your options, but that doesn't mean game over.
I'll tell you something, though. I don't know if I'll ever be in a relationship again. But the more comfortable I become with myself, the less I worry about it. So I still think about it, but not as much as I used to. If you focus on getting right with yourself, you might worry less about partners.
Hello Dean
I somehow don't think hormones changes your sexual orientation, which may be fixed or fluid depending on who you are (I think the correct term is fluctuating) but I guess it pretty much stays the same.
I guess it depends where you are. AFAIK quite a few transguys are gay and... I know I've seen ads and postings on other sites from cismales seeking transguys, for example on Craigslist. I admit they're few and far between, but they're out there.
I'm a Kinsey graphic lesbian, which means i prefer women but here again my preferences are androgynous, Butch, this can go towards FtMs and the odd cismale.
Admittedly relationships for trans are often more difficult to come by but they're not impossible.
If you don't mind me asking a personal question, why are you feeling suicidal? Is it connected with not being able to find a partner or relationship? Or is it a much more global issue?
Quote from: dean1229 on March 23, 2013, 07:02:13 PM
Oh girl! I know this makes me sound strange but i've never known that! Most of the people i ever met were MTF that liked guys and FTM that liked girls! That's why my "stats" may seem a bit weird! Anyway, i would really like hearing your story, if you don't mind. :) Do you mind sharing it with me? How does it feel to be a MTF and liking girls? You can send a private message to me if you want to share it. I am really interested!
After many years living as a gay guy, I went in to transition thinking I must be a straight girl. Then I fell in love with another trans woman - who rejected me because I am pre-op. But the episode made me take a long, hard look at my life and I realised that I had never loved a man. Women? Yes, before I had run off to be a gay guy, I had loved several women and they had loved me.
Fast forward a little, and after several rejections, I gave up looking. At this point a friendship I had with a woman blossomed in to something more. :) I found someone who loved me for who I am.
I think part of the difference for me is that I don't see being trans as a barrier or obstacle of any kind.
EDIT: I can't describe how it feels, it just is. It's part of who I am.
Dean there seems to be quite a bit of gay/bi transguys out there, I know of quite a few here on Susan's and at least 1 in real life. I am currently primarily attracted to females right now, but I've been with men (and am currently married, though separated, from a cis-male), and it's def not a problem for me. If you decide to transition, I don't think all people will reject you. The gay transguy I know from IRL said he's quite active in the bear community, and he's been with men who later completely forget that he's trans without bottom surgery, they just accept him so much as male that they forget he was born in a female body.
You might want to check out the "genderbread man" which helps explain how gender is different from sexual orientation.
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/ (http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/)
Quote from: dean1229 on March 23, 2013, 06:47:46 PM
So i am really happy to meet you and i can really understand what you mean. I think it's better for me to stay single too because i just CAN'T be with a man who treats me like a woman! This is so disgusting, i can't even tell! and of course i can't be with gay guys too cos i am not a real guy! So i guess i will have to stay single. Well this is what i have been for the most of my life anyway.
I think I should point out, that me being eternally single is due to being a natural born loner, and not because I feel it would be impossible to find a bloke. There *are* gay cis guys out there who accept trans guys as just that, guys. So none of that "can't be with gay guys"-talk. ;)
Quote from: John Smith on March 23, 2013, 08:33:43 PM
I think I should point out, that me being eternally single is due to being a natural born loner, and not because I feel it would be impossible to find a bloke. There *are* gay cis guys out there who accept trans guys as just that, guys. So none of that "can't be with gay guys"-talk. ;)
I agree with John. I'm a hermit crab who would prefer to be alone. I identify as asexual and have never had any desire for a partner, but I've been approached by both men and women during different phases of my gender struggle. There will always be someone out there looking for you, no matter how you identify yourself.
Quote from: Padfoot92 on March 23, 2013, 10:40:58 PM
I agree with John. I'm a hermit crab who would prefer to be alone. I identify as asexual and have never had any desire for a partner, but I've been approached by both men and women during different phases of my gender struggle. There will always be someone out there looking for you, no matter how you identify yourself.
Second this. I'm somewhere along the lines of "asexual but attracted to internal and external beauty from afar" in orientation. The boy who took my heart and ran with it pestered me for months to date him, at a time when I was going through self-denial and the most male phase I'd had at the same time enjoying passing without even knowing why, in addition to so many other things. I ended up reaching out to him, asking for an ear to listen, and got both a best friend and partner in return. Yeah, we've had rocky points because of differences (especially in the area of sex drive, let's say mine is pretty much nonexistent :laugh:), but things are great and I have never once regretted that first date I took him on. Finally decided to talk to him face-to-face again as long as he promised to understand it wasn't a date, then whispered to him that I lied and it was a date. He freaked out so hard :3
...Okay, that's enough reminiscing from me. I'll stop now, or else I'll never shut up :P Point is that yes, even if you aren't looking and have determined in your mind not to ever let anyone in ever, that one special person will somehow worm their way through all the walls you put up to keep everyone out. Just wait, they are out there.
I'm gay, and I also happen to have a boyfriend who has no problem seeing me as a man regardless of how my body looks :'P. While we tend to have it harder than most, love is by no means impossible. So no need to feel alone :'D. There's plenty of gay guys and lesbians around here, they're just most likely asleep XP. Give it some time and they should eventually flock here.
*Waves* I'm FtM (pre t, unfortunately) and gay. So we do exist!
I am also quite pessimistic about finding someone. The love scene can already be quite harsh, and in my eyes, it turns nearly impossible due to our 'circumstances'. But hey, don't give up hope! On these forums I learned that there are quite a few FtM's out there who did find their second half.
Oh, and I completely understand you when you say you hate to attract guys who see you as a girl! This is how I found out I am transgender. This guy liked me and we dated, but as soon as things got serious, the whole idea of 'being the girl' in the relationship and, well... having sex as a girl was utterly repulsive to me. And attracting gay guys in a woman's body is indeed hard. But that's what we'll be transitioning for. Things will change, and hopefully for the better.
Gay trans guy in a stable marriage with my gay husband. It can and does happen.
Quote from: John Smith on March 23, 2013, 08:33:43 PM
There *are* gay cis guys out there who accept trans guys as just that, guys. So none of that "can't be with gay guys"-talk. ;)
^^^agree! My boyfriend is Cis-Male (and gay) and sees me as 100% male and nothing else. He's more comfortable with my Trans body than I am, haha. I actually just had top surgery on Wednesday and he's been there 100% since the beginning. It just takes some time and patience, and I hate to sound like a broken record, but you'll find the right person.
I should also point out what appears to be a trend. Younger people seem to be a little more fluid in their sexuality and somewhat more accepting of bodily variations. So if you are in your twenties or even younger, you probably have better prospects than an older guy like me.
Hi Dean!
Welcome to our little club. As you can see, you're certainly not the only one out there who feels this way.
I'm a gay transguy too. When I was younger, my sexual attraction to men confused me: surely if I like guys I must really be a girl after all, mustn't I?
But despite my best efforts (getting married, having kids etc.) I found I couldn't cope with being treated as a female any more... and that included sexually. So I'm going through the long & winding process of transitioning so that my outsides can match my insides. The superficial changes (voice, hair etc.) are important for my day-to-day life, but the more intimate bits are equally essential to me so that I can function as a gay man. Whilst some of the guys here have been fortunate in finding partners who are completely open-minded, there are still a lot of gay men who won't consider going out with guys who have female equipment so I need to change that if I want to have them in my life.
This process is going to take me a couple of years but I'm not getting any younger so I need to just plod on towards my destination. So take a deep breath and remember that things don't have to be this way forever: you can adjust your life if you want to.
Good for you, FTMdiaries. I went through a similar thing from the other direction: "You can't be MTF... You like girls!" Thankfully I wised up and I'm working towards transition now.
We in the United States can all thank Lou Sullivan for the medical/psychological establishment's shift in attitude about gay trans men. When I first started seriously researching transition, the old bias against gay trans men was still in place in many areas. And a lot of the literature I was reading still reflected the bias. At that point in my life, I thought I would never be able to transition.
I love living as a gay man. It's what I've wanted all my life, even before I realized that gay people existed. This is who I am. It's who I've always been. And I won't be stopped by fears that I might be "alone" for the rest of my life. They're just fears, not reality.
Like I've said before, I'm currently dating a feminine guy with a pretty face :3
I mean, of course some part of me wants a relationship with a girl because that's who I am, but screw labels, this guy makes me happy.
If you need to label, I'm a straight panromantic asexual who is fascinated with and frustrated by the female gender, but has little to no sexual attraction and doesn't give a damn what a person has in their pants. I...like feminine people, I guess, but I have no qualms about dating a boy.
Which brings me to why identification might be so hard:
Sex =/= gender =/= expression =/= romantic preference =/= sexual preference =/= sexual orientation.
The last one is confusing, but a straight guy can have exceptions, as can a gay guy, or a straight or gay girl; that grouping doesn't need to be absolute if a person identifies that way because the culture goes beyond the simple meaning. But you know what?
Being trans can definitely teach life lessons, like this one: Love who you love- not for what they are, but for who they are inside.
Hey everybody, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me! :) I feel a bit better now because i know that people like me exist!
Really, i was trying to ignore my problems for such a long time... I was in denial and i felt like a total freak... And like many of you, i was like "No no no, how can i be FtM if i like guys??? This is impossible! If i was lesbian that would have been kind of OK to be FtM but i have never been attracted to girls!" And now, after reading your replies to my post, i can see that there are a lot of people like me, both FtM and MtF which is really relieving to know because now i can see i am not alone and this is not so rare as i used to think. Thank you so much for your support! I really appreciate it!
Now, i must accept some things as facts and i have to be true to myself. I have to be 100% true to myself. And i've been in denial for many years... Trying to forget about who i really was: I knew i was a guy since i was 3-4 years old and nothing has changed. And i know i like guys. I don't like girls at all. So yes, i am a gay guy. This is like the first time i have ever said this. I HATE being seen as a girl by guys (and everyone else) and i hate having sex as a girl. I can only have sex with a guy if i am really very drunk, otherwise this is so disgusting to me that i can't even stand it. This is not because i hate guys, i really like them! But this is because i hate MY BODY and i hate being a woman in a relationship and having sex as a woman! For me, this is the most disgusting thing on Earth!
How did you guys and girls start hormone therapy? Can you please share your experiences with me? Was it emotionally hard for you? What did you think about your family and friends, were you worried about their reaction? What were your thoughts about social stuff like getting a job, going to the doctor as a transsexual person, etc? Well i am really interested to know about all this stuff, please share it with me. :) If you want you can send me a private message!
Quote from: dean1229 on March 27, 2013, 02:57:03 PM
How did you guys and girls start hormone therapy? Can you please share your experiences with me? Was it emotionally hard for you? What did you think about your family and friends, were you worried about their reaction? What were your thoughts about social stuff like getting a job, going to the doctor as a transsexual person, etc? Well i am really interested to know about all this stuff, please share it with me. :) If you want you can send me a private message!
I started hormones after going to the gender clinic for about a year, as is the "rule" where I live. Wasn't emotionally hard at all. Didn't really care about the reaction of others, I guess you could say my mindset was "deal or get out", but then I only interact with immediate family, and I already felt confident they'd accept it. I already had a job, but coming out there was a bit stressful. Not because I feared teh reactions, but because I'm a very private person, but that kinda went out the window. Going to the doc has never been an issue - except when I had to get an ekg, that was awkward.
I am pansexual (I like guys, girls, and trans) but I usually just identify as gay. I am dating another trans man.
And yeah, there are tons of gay FTMs. I know it seems rough because you think no one will want you, but there are guys who view you differently and are attracted to you, more open minded guys. Also, bisexual guys.
Thanks for your replies guys! If anyone wants to talk to me please send me a private message! I would feel more comfortable talking in private. I am looking forward to meeting FTM guys but it would be interesting to meet some MTF girls too! :)
I'm MTF and I've only ever been attracted to girls although I have recently started to "widen my horizons" (not that I've been with anyone for a while) from just cisgirls to all girls. I've always had thoughts/fantasies/desires/wants to be with a guy as a girl but strangely never had thoughts when I was deep in denial etc. in guy mode.
I guess its one of those things, we are always changing as people, some things stay the same and in other ways we're constantly evolving, I'm mid to late 20's and only fairly recently figured out why I've been so miserable for the last 15-20 years! That goes for everyone, cisgirls and guys too! We all spend our lives trying to find out more about ourselves and relationships are just another facet of that. Who is to say that a gay cisguy wont ever like FTM's?
Then again I am probably the last person to listen to for relationship advice so ignore my above post :)
I'm FTM. I identify as bisexual. I prefer women though. I know quite a few transmen that are gay. You are not alone in this so don't worry.