i've been reading this forum for a couple days and decided to join because i need a place where i can talk about things, hear from other people in similar situations, and maybe even offer some advice or reassurance to other SOs. this might be a little long because i only have four people i can really talk to about trans stuff.
my boyfriend is FTM and totally stealth. we originally met 10 years ago when i was 18 and he was almost 17. i'm a queer-identified cisgirl and we met on a queer dating site and i knew from the beginning that he was trans, i have never known him any other way. we dated really briefly at that point and lost track of each other for 9 years, until last summer when we started casually chatting on FB. he was in a relationship and i was preparing to get married to a cisguy i had been with for 6 years. well, long story short, i caught my ex cheating on me 35 days before our wedding and we broke up. my now-bf (just friends at this point) had been "on a break" with his girlfriend for several months and she unceremoniously broke his heart literally the day before i cancelled my wedding, and so we began commiserating about our lives. well, that turned into planning an interstate booty call (he had moved 500 miles away to the next state over) and in the midst of planning that, we realized we actually had a ton in common and actually liked each other. this kicked off a series of visits back and forth, and he moved over here to be with me two months ago. things are going great, and i'm totally in love.
he's been on T for almost 10 years, had top surgery 5ish years ago, and no one would ever ever guess that he isn't a cis dude (seriously, everyone is so jealous of his amazing facial hair). when he moved over, i took on the job of giving him his shots, because he hates needles and would put off doing it for way too long. i actually really like having that totally intimate time with him and also avoiding the crabbiness that comes when his levels drop, since i do it weekly.
for him, being trans is a medical issue he dealt with, it is absolutely not a part of his identity. ergo, he's completely stealth to the point that most of his friends don't even know. none of my family knows (except my sister) and that's totally fine for the most part. my only issue is that he's forbidden me from telling my friends, which i get, but it's sort of hard sometimes. there are things i'd like advice on sometimes or just want to talk about, that would make way more sense if they knew. and my friends are big into talking about sex, etc, and i just have to play along which makes me feel like a liar. basically the only people in my life who can know are my little sister, two of my ex's who are also FTM and knew him 10 years ago, and one of my best friends who is FTM and knew him then as well. and if i were to make a list of "top 10 people i don't want to talk about sex with" my little sister and ex boyfriends would be on it!
i'm not even sure where i'm going with this, i just wanted to join and say hi and get that out of my head!
Edited for profanity
Hi savannahbee
Good to see you here. Read your post and it's really interesting.
Hopefully someone will be along soon to give you the intro talk, no big deal just a load of standard information, (Which is so utterly useful and we all read religiously).
Just wanted to say that there are a number of SOs here who you could identify with. Hopefully some will send you a PM and you can wehn you reach a higher post count.
My own experiences on here mean I totally understand how your bf feels and his wishes.
In the mean time, if you can, be really interesting to hear your advice and input into other discussions. Especially as you seem to write quite well. :)
I'm Jill by the way.
thanks for responding :)
yes i hope i meet some people in my boat, as it can get a bit lonely sometimes, although for the most part it's totally fine.
and i do totally understand his wishes as well, i just sometimes have a pouty "why is it all about what you want and need? what about meeeee" moment. lol.
Hi savannahbee, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 10564 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another SO. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
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Janet )O(
Howdy, I'm a guy married to a woman who wasn't always seen as a woman.
I don't out my wife to people, I let her out herself if she wants. She's somewhat out, just because it's pretty much impossible to be completely stealth with today's technology - it's a bit easier sometimes if you get past the pretense. But that's her call, not mine, and I'd support whatever.
Some things to make sure you're at peace with as your relationship deepens: What would happen if your family and friends found out about his history? If you can't handle that possibility, you might want to make sure he knows that (hopefully you can, but I know everyone is different). Would you be bothered if people thought you were gay (because some people will, despite you being in a straight relationship)? It's important to get past that if possible.
As far as your own needs, I know I've been through times when I've thought, "Okay, it's time for *MY* problems in life, thank you very much! I have problems too!" But the reality is that my problems *are* acknowledged, it just doesn't always feel that way when there's problems we're both going through. It's not always easy, but that's true with everyone. There's just different problems, but it's not like there is a problem-free person!
I don't think this is probably very helpful and I guess all I really want to say is to stick to your heart.
thanks for your response. to answer your questions, i would have no problem if my family or friends found out. this is not my first rodeo with an ftm boyfriend and my family and friends have always been very supportive. this *is* my first time dating a guy who's stealth--i'm used to being a part of the transition and over the years, my family/friends got used to meeting my girlfriends who were then suddenly my boyfriends. it's him that would have the problem, which i totally get. similarly, i would have no problems if people thought i was a lesbian, although i have no idea why anyone would. i was an out and proud bisexual for years and now will happily identify myself as queer if asked, though no one ever does. my boyfriend is truly 100% stealth and has worked in extremely homophobic male-dominated fields without anyone ever being suspicious. he's been transitioned pretty much since high school so there's a very low chance of technology impacting that--it's not like he had a whole 'nother life beforehand.
i don't mean to sound contrary, and i do appreciate you taking the time to respond. i just felt like i wanted to clear those things up because i was a bit confused.
That is a good update savannahbee, your position is perfectly understandable.
I have no prior experience with anything remotely transgender related. In fact, I have always identified as queer with a live and let live attitude. I can not understand closed-minded people, or those who judge something they don't understand. For this reason, I am an independent, happy, couldn't-care-a-damn fun-loving woman, who will love whomever I wish, thank you very much :P
If asked, I will gladly share my sexuality, preferences, emotions, etc with whomever. I am not embarrassed about any of it.
But yet... I am finding the bias towards FTM tragic. People who have known my partner as a she are now confused... the corporate world cannot seem to move beyond that she is he, he is her, uhm... you know what I mean lol. Since when is a person's ability/ethic/intellect attached to what pronoun you prefer using?
I am rambling, but trying to reiterate what I am sure we all feel. I understand if he wants to remain stealth. If he passes completely, and is comfortable with himself, and has you at his side... nothing else matters right? Those that have any negativity can move along swiftly... we do not need them in our lives :)