Okay so my first T shot will be in a week and a half, I'm pumped. But... I still need to tell my family. I'm not good with being open with people and the few people that I have told are people whom I knew what their reaction would be. It doesn't help that I live so far away from them so it's not line I can tell them in person or write them a letter and watch them read it as my palms get all sweaty. Instead, I have to do it via the phone (Emailing is just not an option for me as I think they would apprieciate it more if it was done verbally). I called my mom on Friday with hopes of coming clean but she had my nieces and nephew so there were too many distractions but she knows I want to talk to her about something because I rarely ever call just because (I'm terrible at keeping in touch). I then tried to call my sister and tell her but she wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to get a word in. I would tell my dad and brother first but I know my mom and sister would be hurt if I didn't tell them first. I just don't know how to even begin to tell them. I mean with the few friends that I told, they asked me what's up and I just blurted out "I'm going to change my name to Evan and start making the transition to male" but with my family I feel like I should be a little more sensitive and ease into it but how do you ease into "Hey the daughter you've known for 27 years is now going to be your son. Hope that's okay because you haven't a choice in the matter." I'm almost positive I'm working myself up over nothing. I, also, feel that my mom has been expecting this for awhile because at one point, many years ago, she asked me if I was going to become the 'pregnant man'. Of course, at that time, I instantly shook my head no for fear of the unknown, plus I've never wanted to be pregnant. Anyways, I plan on calling my mom tonight because my financee is working so the conversation can be uninterrupted and less pressure lol.
Congrats on your upcoming T shot! :)
I have a few suggestions for your conversations with your family:
- Is there a time of day when they're less likely to be interrupted? Would it help to ring them now and say that you want to have a long chat with them tonight, can they make sure they're available at a certain time and will be uninterrupted for its duration?
- Then when you call them tonight, start the conversation by saying that you have something important you want to tell them and you'd be grateful if they could please listen without interruption. That'll help you get a word in edgeways. ;)
- Yes, you should absolutely be more sensitive and ease into the subject. Instead of jumping right in with "I'm a dude, dude!", why not tell them about how you've been feeling for X number of years, how confused you were growing up, and how you came to the realisation of what exactly was 'wrong' with you. Then tell them that after much soul-searching and therapy you've decided to transition and that you'll be starting to change gradually over the next few months. Reassure them that you've done your research and you're doing this with the full support of the best doctors available to you.
- Think about how you want the conversation to run. Jot down some notes this afternoon and refer to them if you get nervous. This will also help you figure out how you want to start each conversation and it will help you to steer it in the right direction.
- Do you think that one conversation would be easier than the other; that one of them will be more understanding? If so, ring her first and use that conversation as a practice run for the more difficult one. ;)
- Do you want your mom or sister to tell the rest of your family or would you like them to keep this to themselves? Think about this and let them know what you'd prefer. It might take some of the pressure off you if you let them tell all the other relatives, if you're comfortable with them doing this.
- Be prepared for what I call 'invalidating questions'. You know, the ones where your mom says "But you played with dolls that one time when you were 7 years old!" or "You used to love that pink dress we bought you in 2002!". There's a good chance that your relatives might try to ask you these things, often due to genuine confusion rather than some intention to hurt you. They're simply trying to reconcile in their minds the fact that they always took these things as evidence for their belief of who you should be, because they didn't know what you've been feeling inside. When I was asked these questions, I told them that I tried these things because I was trying my best to figure out how to be a good little girl like everyone expected me to be, but since then I've realised that this is an impossible task for me because I'm simply not a girl.
- Throughout the conversation, reassure them that you're still exactly the same person and you still love them. Tell them that you're making these changes for (insert your reason here) but that these changes in no way mean that they've lost their child. You're still there, but you're now the son you always knew yourself to be, which means you'll be more content & happier within yourself.
Hope this helps, and good luck!
Thanks for the congrats and the good luck. I will definitely have to take your advise on writting stuff out because I typically tend to wing things and end up forgetting half of what I was going to say and resort to humor. Thankfully the kids went back to my sisters house so I don't have to worry about those distractions but sometimes I think my mom has ADD so everything can result as a distraction. I actually think she's just as uncomfortable with serious talks as I am but yet still wants me to open up... she's crazy. My sister would be the easier one to tell if she would just stop talking about herself and truly be curious as to how I'm doing lol. However, I owe it to my mom to tell her first since when I came out as a liking women, I told my sister first and left my mom to find out through myspace (oops). My original plan was to be able to say "I've been seeing a therapist and he said I'm not crazy" or something along those lines but to be truthful, I've only met with my therapist once. I just got lucky and my doctor and nurse felt I knew what I was talking about and wasn't just jumping into something blind. So I can't very well lie about how much I've seen the therapist because I plan on starting a youtube channel so they can watch the changes (if they want) and I would imagine that somewhere along the lines it will come out that I have only seen him once.
Thanks again for the advice, I really appriciate it!
Okay so I figured I would give an update to this post to say how it went... Well I chickened out yesterday (didn't help that I kept losing reception and had to keep calling back. So I decided today that I would just do it when I felt ready, be spontaneous and not over think it. So finally, after lunch, I picked up my phone and called my sister. I figured she would be easier to tell. Well, in some ways it was. It went something like this:
"I have something I need to tell you and I'm not quite sure how to say it"
"What is it"
"...umm.... well... I.... ummm.... I'm going to transition."
"You what?"
"I'm going to transition from female to male"
"You're going to what?......... OH SH!T!!"
"Yeah"
"Okay... well umm... (starts to get a little choked up) well I still love you and hope you are sure this is what you want to do"
"I do and I love you too"
"Okay... well.... um I'll talk to you later. Love you. Bye"
Coming from a girl who won't stop talking I think I found a way to shut her up... lol. So then I took a breath and called my mom before I could talk myself out of it. After a few minutes of just regular talking and then having the call dropped then calling her back we start talking about the phone service and then she's like "Okay what's going on? What did you tell your sister?" Ugh that woman (my sister) couldn't even give me 15 minutes before saying something, oh well it gave me the entrance to telling her. So I told her, basically the same way I said it to my sister. She took it really well. We both got emotional but it was mainly because I was emotional because I felt like I was letting her down (I told her that and she reassured me I wasn't). She told me she would support my decision if it's what makes me happy because that's all she wants for her kids. Then she started in with the questions... my favorite was "So does this mean you are getting a penis sewed on?" So I had to explain the process and that it doesn't necessarily include having surgery down there. I tried to explain why I wanted/needed this but I found I couldn't find the words so I told her after I regroup I would find them and let her know but she said it wasn't important. Her biggest concern was that I was doing it for my fiancee... she doesn't fully support my relationship but I already knew that. Needless to say, the overall conversation went great. Now I have to tell my dad later, she probably would have told him for me but I think he would appriciate it more if I told him. I'm not overly concerned about that phone call because he's fairly progressive and non-judgmental.
Well, its out in the open now. Give them time for it to sink in, then do some follow up.
Good Luck
Well done - I hope you're feeling relieved that the first hurdle has passed. :)
This is a long, slow, drawn-out process and you'll probably find that your family will come up with other questions & concerns once they've had some time to digest this news. They'll need some time to readjust their expectations of you. But the fact that you'll soon be starting T should help move things along
Hope everything goes well with your dad.
Good luck!
Thanks for the support! Well my sister just texted me and asked me to call her after work when the shock has calmed down a bit so I'm trying to prepare for another round of questions. I just keep reminding myself that a year from now this will probably seem like a faint memory.
I know In-a-Bind has a resource kit for coming out if that helps ;)