Its been a month since I came out to myself and my best friend as being a trans woman. That was a great experience for me. But now that initial shock has worn off, my mind has been wondering around. The past couple of days have been some of the longest and most brutal that I have ever come to know. Its like my mind wiped itself clean of my realization that I was never meant to be a man. I've spent hours thinking it over and over, and can find no solutions to the problem at hand. Is this a natural phase? I kinda miss that initial feeling. I want to transition, but now that I'm staring down that long road, I just feel empty....
I can kind of relate to you at the moment.
I am seing a therapist soon in the hopes that I can start HRT after battling GID for a few years now.
The last couple of weeks have been really confussing, one day I can be really excited and then the next day I can be back down in the dumps again questioning weather or not I am really trans.
I have gone through the initial shock that you mentioned. Mine was when I came out to my parents a few weeks ago. It felt really great being able to finally open up to them and I felt really happy, something I have not had the pleasure of feeling for a while now. However the next day I was pondering weather or not I should have told them, as I was once again questioning my gender and also began to realise my transition, if I did go through with it would be a long one at that. It's definitly not an easy road ahead, but I look forward to the day of my therapist appointment so I can finally get some answers. In the mean time I am just trying to focus on other things to try and give my brain a bit of rest and I would suggest you do the same. Maybe if you have some hobbies that you are interested in you could loose yourself in those for a few days while you wait to see a counciller or therapist. Just make sure you do see one if you hav'nt already, as much like myself it sounds like you really need to get some questions answered.
You won't be uber-excited forever. After the initial excitement, the daily grind begins. I found that I had to keep updating my transition...first the self-admission, then started with the hair, then earrings, then waxing body hair...etc.
Each step was probably 6-8 weeks from one to the next, but it wasnt on a timetable. I'd just look in the mirror or at myself, and identified what I needed...by 6 months, I KNEW I would need HRT.
Enjoy your journey! :-)
Quote from: raven03054 on March 25, 2013, 10:55:52 PM
Its been a month since I came out to myself and my best friend as being a trans woman. That was a great experience for me. But now that initial shock has worn off, my mind has been wondering around. The past couple of days have been some of the longest and most brutal that I have ever come to know. Its like my mind wiped itself clean of my realization that I was never meant to be a man. I've spent hours thinking it over and over, and can find no solutions to the problem at hand. Is this a natural phase? I kinda miss that initial feeling. I want to transition, but now that I'm staring down that long road, I just feel empty....
Seems perfectly fine to me. As Beth says, initial excitement.
Then you realise how much you need to do.
But, may I suggest you look at this a different way?
Ideal objectives are one thing, but you've made your declaration of independence now. You don't need to suddently become a movie star over night.
Be a bit like spending a pile of cash on enough paint to do your whole house, only to realise, the colour is only right for the front!
Take your time. Plan your steps. Make a list of what you need, what you actually want and so on.
The first step is what is most important and so on.
Well, I hate to say but that is how it is.
I'm me, FT, happy, normal, work, shop, cook meals, visit friends, I'm just a very normal woman.
And that's it! I'm not followed by a brass band, no placards and no bolts of lightening are hurled when I walk past churches.
It's great, I'm just normal.
But funnily we have to get used to it. That is what being accepted is all about.
Nothing happens, we are just us.
And then we think, what the hell was all the fuss about? No one gives a hoot!
After the thrill wears off then we try to figure out what's next. After my initial discovery I needed answers. I attended support meetings, asked questions to other people, and took into account my own feelings and transition. It isn't a one time thing but a daily change no matter how subtle. I embraced whatever came my way in order to understand what was happening inside of me.
Whatever changes you need to make, do. Whatever you experience, embrace. If you are confused seek answers. You are on a journey now.
:)