Everyone always treats me as a guy or a girl that is hopeless and will never get romance. I'm sick of making all the effort of being the girl I feel like on the inside with nobody ever seeing me as that. While other girls with normal facial features walk around and get all the glory.
I can never be them, so I want to be what everyone thinks I should be, the opposite of them. I wish I wouldn't long for romance, for male attention, for guys to take care of me and hold me like they do other girls, and protect me....Because they won't, and I'm alone and have to defend myself.
And if that is the case, I want to defend myself as a strong guy, not this tiny little female, and I want to be happy fighting etc....Like, if people are going to throw beer bottles at me I want to get pissed and throw back, not start crying and go home and punch myself in the head and rip my legs open with a knife.
The least I could be a butch lesbian I want to be loved and desired by them like the femmes are, not be them :(:(:( Even though they think I should be them because of the way my face looks. :embarrassed: But I want to be femme but I'm too ugly, I have a masculine face.... :embarrassed:
Meanwhile the femmes get the treatment they say they don't even want while I get treated like worthless undesirable unlovable s***. Because I try to be what the other girls are but everyone thinks I'm too manly for some reason even tho on the inside I'm girlier than most. But they only see the outside, and those other girls outsides and my outsides don't match no matter how hard I try. So they get everything I want.
I wish I wouldn't envy or despise them but adore them like everyone else. I wish I could see what men and butch lesbians see that is so wonderful about a girl with long legs and Bambi eyes. I wish I was like them, mindlessly at these women's feet and happy with it instead of some envying, jealous, "fugly" girl everyone mocks and laughs at whereever she goes.
I wish I could drown myself in my hobbies and feel happy about achieving things etc...Like guys do. Like, it doesn't matter my face looks like s***, I'm good at hobbies and I can gawk at beautiful women so life is grand.
I'd be so carefree, so ALIVE.
I'm so sick of living in my head.
I want an actual life. As a guy, or at least a lesbian. I don't want to want the things I want and never get. I don't want to walk around hoping nobody notices my failed existence.
My deformity cannot be fixed, so instead of a failed, miserable, freak of a girl I want to be a healthy, happy guy...I just wish it could be done. From miserable, bullied, ugly and needy and weepy woman to a bimbo-worshipping guy, or at least a lesbian...... :(