Now that I'm sitting here all alone, everything I should have said has come flooding into my mind- how I should have come out, how I should have approached asking my mom for a binder even after my dad said they were "dangerous", how I could have explained it to them so there wouldn't have been all this nonsense. I get that I can't change it and I have to play the hand I've been dealt (even if I had a part in dealing the cards), but still...damn. If only.
Anyone else feel like this?
I have the bad habit of keeping my mouth shut and censoring myself because of my low self-esteem. I'm working on it, but it's still a major problem sometimes. Afterwards, I spend hours and hours thinking about what would've happened if I'd said this, or phrased that a different way, or said anything at all instead of letting them walk all over me. What I've learned is that the obsessing over it doesn't help. At all. It's good to learn from your mistakes and do things differently next time but dwelling on it won't help.
I've also learned that there's always a next time. When that second chance comes around, make it everything you wanted it to be and speak your mind. You'll find a way to get through it. :)
Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 03:57:13 PM
Now that I'm sitting here all alone, everything I should have said has come flooding into my mind- how I should have come out, how I should have approached asking my mom for a binder even after my dad said they were "dangerous", how I could have explained it to them so there wouldn't have been all this nonsense. I get that I can't change it and I have to play the hand I've been dealt (even if I had a part in dealing the cards), but still...damn. If only.
Anyone else feel like this?
Someone a lot smarter than me made up a saying for this: "Hindsight is 20/20"
Hugs, Devlyn
Binding too hard or too much is dangerous. Don't let them psyche you out. I agree with other posters re: alternatives.
I've heard of people who can bind pretty well with a couple of under armour shirts (Walmart has a cheap alternative). Also ebay offers them a LOT cheaper.
--Jay
I really hate myself for being who i am (i am a FTM) and my self-esteem is like lower than zero. So of course i keep on thinking of what i should have said and should have done. And everything seems to be wrong. And i mean it! Everything is always wrong!
You have been socialized as a girl. There are several consequences and one of these is that you might learn to be passive. When you start asserting yourself, you will start feeling awesome and powerful. Try with something small.
I will tell you that they used to walk all over me at work. A couple years before transitioning, I just had enough of it. I started by saying, "Ok if we talk, i'm bringing the union rep". I said this about three times and the little requests for "talks" just stopped. I was not fun to pick on anymore (sadly they chose someone else instead of stopping entirely-- power is a like a drug).
I can also assure you, rather than making you feel worse (like they make you think that it will) asserting yourself makes you feel better. Just do it.
--Jay
I agree with Aleon. It's a great feeling to know you won't be the one they pick on because you stood up to them and not because someone stepped in out of pity for you. Once you get the hang of it you'll boost your self-esteem in no time. Between not being stomped on anymore and knowing you have the power to control your life you'll be soaring. Just make sure you don't let the power go to your head and use it against someone else.
Now if only I could master this around my extended family... ::)
Re: binding with home-made alternatives and the like- sports bras aren't helpful, my own back and shoulders are actually hindering me because I can't get a size that will compress things enough without having it cut into the flesh somewhere. Same goes for making one out of biker shorts, and my mother actually broke down and said she'd look into maybe getting a binder because I keep cutting up her unused control top tights and walking around with raw, bloodied shoulders (dammit, linebacker bones!), cutting up a new pair every time she takes one away. She went off and bought some sort of compression tank but I don't know how it'll work, can't try it on until tomorrow because of something that went wrong when the salesperson was ringing everything up. I tried wearing a t-shirt underneath when using the tights- not only didn't it help, but it also completely ruined any compression I was going for because Mr. Murphy likes having a good laugh when I come up with a solution to something.
Dean- I feel you, man. I really do. It's going to take a long time and I went through it for a good while too, but you have to learn not to harbor hatred for being yourself. You cannot change your identity, and you cannot go back and be born a male. The only thing we as transfolk can really do about it is do everything in our power to help the outside match what lies within. Beating yourself up isn't worth it, trust me. It's like beating yourself up for being gay- it's part of who you are, and the best thing you can do for yourself is be accepting, because otherwise how can you expect others to be willing to accept you, no?
Low self-esteem sucks. I'm struggling with it right now because a handicap and my father being...well, being who he is has kept me from being able to play guitar anywhere near as well as I want to, and I feel like everyone and their second cousin thrice removed can play amazingly while I can't even do a solo because my fingers hate me. But I'm not going to sit here and cry- I'm taking the initiative today and going to ask google "how can i get good at guitar" as soon as I finish this post. Then I'll probably go off and cry. But I won't quit. Don't quit on yourself, you can do this. Listen to Jay and Padfoot, they're two guys who know what they're talking about. I just throw the words out there and pray to Cthulhu that they're the right ones, then let out a string of curses that would make jaded sailors blush when I stumble upon the right ones. Thus this thread.
Cheers. You'll get there, I promise.