Yesterday I made the commitment and scheduled surgery, GRS. (and I prefer to say genital reconstructive surgery)
I'm not really scared about the surgery itself. And finding the money isn't a fear either. I figure that if I can deal with all this gender dysphoria stuff rather well then I can handle some financial shuffling. My single fear for this surgery lies solely in the fear of anesthesia. I can't imagine laying there one minute and waking up the next having had surgery. The loss of time (a certain drug taught me all about my fixation on time, so I know I worry too much about time and its motions)...ugh, and I just don't know, there is something else there I can get into words. It eludes me, but I'm afraid of it. Its not death...rather, its like a loss of reality. I don't know. I've read stories from people who have had 50+ surgeries and say that anesthesia is easy, no problem. But those don't seem to help me. I've hear stories from people who have had maybe one or two surgeries and say that anesthesia was the worst part, but bearable.
I almost want to do a trial run with it. Is that possible? Like be put out but have nothing done. And then wake up in a few hours. I can't imagine trying to deal with finding reality again AND healing from a massive genital surgery. Regardless, I've made up my mind to do this. Its a year away, so by then I will have grown more. I won't let this stop me because it really isn't that strong of a force compared to the other forces I've had to fight against. But God, is it the scariest force.
Does it help to think of it as time spent sleeping?
Regardless, I hope you get over your fear. The chrysalis is almost ready - time for the butterfly to spread her wings.
It is scary and is meant to be. Having to have my will written prior to surgery by a lawyer did a good job of that for me. The good part is that everything moves so fast, it's over before you know it. I only had 1 surgery prior to SRS which went very smoothly, but the anesthesia from SRS put me down pretty hard. And I'm a very healthy, somewhat young, athletic person. Anesthesia results are hard to predict as everyone is different, and all docs use different anesthesia mixes, at different strengths, and different periods of time you're under.
Take some time to comes to terms with everything. It's a lot to process all at once. For me, the finality and reality of SRS didn't set in until a few days after the surgery. Then the fun really starts.
;D
What is there to be afraid of? Being unconscious is great. It feels funny. I only lost consciousness once, but I laughed a lot when I woke up. Besides, you lose 8 (or less, or more) hours of your time every day, almost the same way, every night. How is it so different?
Quote from: A on March 29, 2013, 03:13:35 PM
What is there to be afraid of? Being unconscious is great. It feels funny. I only lost consciousness once, but I laughed a lot when I woke up. Besides, you lose 8 (or less, or more) hours of your time every day, almost the same way, every night. How is it so different?
You could die. That's the difference. Nothing funny about major surgery.
I've had a couple of major surgeries and the one thing that I have noticed the most was the after taste. Very distinctive and unlike anything else. For me it was like turning a light off and on, with no perception of time lost at all and major surgical pain after. It is not like sleep as there are no dreams. Very little drowsiness which was a surprise to me. Lots of drugs to lessen the pain and a long time getting better. Just like GRS.
I was nervous about the surgery before but I had to have it, broken bones that did not heal and lots of pain until surgery could fix it.
I hold no fear when it is my numbers up for GRS, actualy looking forward to that time so bring it on as it will bring closure on that part of me.
J
Quote from: JennX on March 29, 2013, 05:22:21 PM
You could die. That's the difference. Nothing funny about major surgery.
Now I'm scared and SRS still seems like a distant fantasy to me though I will devote every resource and sacrifice everything to achieve it and a new life.
I know it's scary but get srs. It's so worth it.
Quote from: Tristan on March 29, 2013, 06:29:11 PM
I know it's scary but get srs. It's so worth it.
I agree with this. It is scary, daunting, et al... but I'm glad I did it. But when I see people talking about SRS or any major surgery for that matter, as if its like getting drunk and passing out at some party... like it's a no big deal/fun/trivial thing to do... It really makes me wonder WTF.
Quote from: JennX on March 29, 2013, 07:49:46 PM
I agree with this. It is scary, daunting, et al... but I'm glad I did it. But when I see people talking about SRS or any major surgery for that matter, as if its like getting drunk and passing out at some party... like it's a no big deal/fun/trivial thing to do... It really makes me wonder WTF.
Yeah the first week sucked because I was on my back and board out of my mind but after that things got better. Also I don't know if its just me but after my srs. My scent changed. It sounds really weird but it's true
Quote from: Tristan on March 29, 2013, 08:28:07 PM
Yeah the first week sucked because I was on my back and board out of my mind but after that things got better. Also I don't know if its just me but after my srs. My scent changed. It sounds really weird but it's true
My private area odor changed a good deal on HRT, to a more female scent... But after SRS it has become even more so female. Lots of sitting in bed doing nothing can be the most nerve racking part. And dilation is its own special PITA.
I haven't had SRS/GRS yet but I have had a few surgeries
I get kinda nervous about being knocked out and I've always hated that count backwards thing they do
I also get a reaction to the adhesive on the bandaging tape
With my last surgery to fix my shoulder they didn't do the count backwards thing and I woke up asking the nurse when they were going to get on with it... She replied, "Oh, your done already"
Then I noticed that my arm was still numbed out and my shoulder was all bandaged up and thought it kinda funny that they had covered up my left boob for some reason
Most places are pretty thorough about checking everything about you before getting started and won't do the surgery if they see any problems
But yeah, I can relate to being a bit scared about it all, just remember that the odds of a successful surgery without complications are in your favor
Hugs
V M
*Always feels a bit jealous of everyone who is able to afford their SRS/GRS surgeries*
The death rate during general anesthesia is about 1:7,000. The death rate caused by general anesthesia less than 1:100,000.
If you are young and healthy, your number is closer to the 1:100,000. I have been under general anesthesia twice. Once for a knee arthroscopy, and once for open-heart surgery.
I have also been sedated ("twilight sleep") for dental work and for angioplasties.
Make sure you identify any allergies you might have, and if you have some, insist on speaking with your anesthesiologist first.
You will be fine.
+1 on identifing alergies before anesthesia, I am alergic to eggs and mosts med's they use for anesthesia involve some sort of connection with eggs, so when they did my anesthesia they used something else which basicaly wiped me out in 2 seconds. it was quite literally that fast then the next thing I know is they were yelling my name,and giving me oxygen, coming around was a little rough for me took me quite a few minutes , but than again they didnt use the (regular drugs) so my experience may not bee the same. the loss of time was not that big of a bother to me, even though this was my first major surgery ever :o The biggest thing that scared me was the posibility of waking up, but aparently the biggest issue was waking up.
It's OK to be scared, perfectly human & normal. It's good to talk with friends when in that situation. We all care about you & want you to only have the best in life.
Maybe ask the doctor for your a brief trial run. You deserve the best possible care for yourself.
Good luck.
Quote from: Hippolover25 on March 29, 2013, 07:06:48 AM
I almost want to do a trial run with it. Is that possible? Like be put out but have nothing done.
No doctor would do this (I hope). That would be risking your life for nothing. A small risk, but a risk all the same. No point in risking your life twice.
The only part about the anesthesia that I didn't like (aside from accepting the small risk) was the depression afterward. I was hit with an unexplainable and irrational depression following the surgery. It made no sense because I had just had the surgery I had been waiting so long for. And I was happy with it. No regrets. It wasn't about the surgery. I was just so extremely down and felt hopeless about everything. Apparently, the anesthesia can cause that sort of after effect in some people. So just be prepared if it happens to you. Remember it's the anesthesia effects, it's not real, and it will pass.
Chalk it up to a minor advantage of being older, but two months before GCS in January, I had had a colonoscopy where they knocked me out with one of the two anesthetics I was going to have for the GCS. It was a risk, but people die during normal sleep anyway, and it gave me the experience of the pre-op prep routine of cleaning out the plumbing. I did not like it either time, but I am here and writing this. I am not suggesting your doctor order you a colonoscopy just for practice, but it could happen, and would be your "dress rehearsal".
I had two anesthetics for the GCS, one for general sleep (both the GCS and CS) and a spinal epidural for the actual surgery site. I came out of the general sleep one very shortly after they took the one bag off the IV tree. Both times I came out with some wild nightmares, but no problem. For the SRS, the spinal anesthetic required several hours after it was cut off to fully let loose of me which was probably a very good thing, and cut my need for other pain meds for a while. I was on oxygen for the first night, but it was more of just a protocol, and they had it turned down to minimum.
As Not-so Fat Admin did, I experienced something that I suppose could have been depression, but was not really the same, I felt like my body was both grieving and rejoicing all at once, and it did take a good cry to get it out of my system. I have a couple of other friends with the same issue, and while I asked if it was the anesthetic, and the nursing staff checked for me, the answer was simply MAYBE!! At 65 and high risk for Diabetes and high blood pressure, and too fat, I came out OK. I did not have a time problem, it was just like taking a nap, but it was an ouchie one to come out of.
The first time I ever went under I broke a finger and tore the tendons off the bone.
One minute they're rolling me into a room, the next I could hear my name being called and I was waking up slowly.
I still remember that part of it and it freaks me out a little.
The second time was for my GRS. funnily enough, I can't remember much of it apart from talking to mum & my best friend.
You'll have nothing to worry about, but I think you need to talk to someone about it
Nic
Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 29, 2013, 06:04:40 PM
Now I'm scared and SRS still seems like a distant fantasy to me though I will devote every resource and sacrifice everything to achieve it and a new life.
Hearing someone say "you could die" is scary. But, face it, every time you get into a car and share the road with 5 ton trucks being driven by people in varying levels of sobriety, you could die also. Life is full of risks.
If it is any consolation, the technology applied to anesthesia these days is pretty impressive. Of course, YMMV. I had major surgery about 30 years ago due to an accident. I didn't much care for their concept of it. A few years back I needed some minor surgery to strip some veins. I was told to count down from 10, I think I made it 8.
The lost time when the aliens come a few times a year to do their probbing, THAT is what really bothers me :o
What I like about things like the sleep they induce at the dentist(gotta do this every time, I freak out), as well as anesthesia which I never had but conceptually understand.
When I do my SRS, it will be like going to sleep, and waking up from a bad dream ;D It will just happen in what to me will probably feel like seconds. The only unfortunates will be dealing with the pain your body has been going through but you too high to understand until it wears off.
Quote from: Rita on March 30, 2013, 09:16:57 AM
It will just happen in what to me will probably feel like seconds. The only unfortunates will be dealing with the pain your body has been going through but you too high to understand until it wears off.
exactly, about sums it up, I remember exactly how it worked out too. everyone rushing around you, on one hand they are hooking up a finger monitor and a blood pressure cuff while someone is attaching heart monitors to you and then the other arm they are hooking up the iv, than in goes the meds and everything goes fuzzy then next thing ya know they are yelling yer name to wake up.
I think I got my fear now into words:
How do I know when I wake up that it is real?
I mean, what if I "wake up" but its not a real wake up. Its just my mind manufacturing a reality to please itself. Like I just start living/recovering from the surgery but really I'm still asleep, or in a coma, or dead. This is what I'm afraid of. Waking up but not being awake.
Quote from: JennX on March 29, 2013, 05:22:21 PM
You could die. That's the difference. Nothing funny about major surgery.
You could die during your sleep too. For what it's worth, I'm sure the risk of being murdered at home, having a car crash into your wall and killing you, dying in a fire, etc. all added up isn't so far from the risk of dying from anaesthesia.
Besides, what's bad about dying during surgery? It's not your fault, and you don't suffer. Personally, if I could pick my way to die, I'd die under anaesthesia, I think.