I just found this forum after a particularly tough night and decided to finally try and reach out a bit.
Since I can remember I've just felt more like a boy. I hated dresses growing up and flat out refused to wear them from the age of 2/3 I'd actually have tantrums if my parents tried to put me in dresses, it's all I ever hear about from them. I always wanted to wear shorts to be exact! Lol. Then I was friends with the boys in my neighbourhood, and in the summer I'd take my shirt off just like they did and my parents would constantly scold me, but as a kid I didn't understand why that was a big deal.
Just looking at photos of me growing up, I was never happy or smiling unless I was in boy (or at least neutral) clothes. If I was wearing a dress or anything pink and/or girly I just have a scowl or frown on my face. I've also always hated any time I've had long hair. I used to cry every time it took so long to dry and style my hair (I have thick hair) and I would ask my mum why I couldn't have short hair like my brother or dad. As soon as I was able, I would sneak off to the barbers to get it cut short and spikey which pissed off my parents no end, I always looked younger than I am so up until around 16/17 I could pass for a prepubescent boy, but then puberty killed that (yeah, I was definitely a late bloomer lol).
I actually feel like my childhood was a constant conflict between being who I wanted to be and being who my parents wanted me to be and for the most part I was trying to please my parents and it made my life hell. I also went to an all girls high school, and there was no more depressing an experience than that. For 6 long years I had not one friend and was bullied for being "a boy". It was also a school in the UK so I had a school uniform and yeah, I had to wear a skirt every single school day.
These days, my parents keep asking if I'm gay, it's actually a constant question from my mum with assurances that it's okay if I am. I am gay in the sense that I feel like a man and I like men, but I don't know how to approach that with my mum. Maybe having this dilemma at the back of my mind as in, "Yes, but not in the way you think" is giving me away as lying when I say no to my mum and hence her continuously asking! I have absolutely no interest in women at all! No guys like me cause I dress and act like a boy, and I get female attention but not interested. My parents also keep getting on at me for not having a boyfriend yet and the pressure can be intense. I live in a completely different country from my parents and I had hoped that would help but they still seem to have that hold on me. I have shortish hair, and when I straighten it, it's masculine, but I want nothing more than to get my signature spikey hair back and yet I know that in the next Skype session they'll just get on at me and I absolutely hate how pathetic that makes me for letting that stop me, but I feel stuck! When I don't straighten my hair it's a tad more feminine and they don't pester me on it so much. And now they keep bringing up my age (I'm 28) and how I can't wait forever. Argh!
My parents are fairly open minded, and they've made it clear to all their children that they have nothing against homosexuality. And, if I was gay I think they would be fine with the idea of FTM; being used to me being a tomboy, I could see them being more open to it, but I know with me being "straight" they'd just call me stupid and try to convince me that I'm obviously not supposed to be a man if I don't like women.
Has anyone else out there maybe taken the leap to become a gay man and still had relationships? Or have family that just seem (or seemed) to have a control on you you can't shake?
I had a night out with some friends who kept going on and on about how I need to dress more girly and how I would get a boyfriend that way and how I'm doing everything wrong. I own nothing but guy clothes but because of the hold my parents have on me I guess I'm only half committed right now. I dress and act like a man, but I still have a woman's name and obviously folk just don't get it, but then again, that's my fault for not committing. I'm trying to read around for advice here but thought I'd openly post as it's just depressing the hell out of me and I'm kinda reaching out. I hope that's okay!
I'm not really suicidal but I do find myself hating who I am every day and I just don't know which way is up right now. Even though I've been stuck with this conflict all my life, with my parent's pressure to get a boyfriend right now, I find each day is becoming harder and harder to deal with! I already have a highly stressful job and I feel like every day ends with an overwhelming wish to cry :(.
Hi Matty, welcome to Susan's Place! We're glad you found the site. First things first, you're fine! Part of being you is doing things your way, at your pace. Make changs when you're ready to. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn
Sounds like you had a hard life, i had a pritty hard life and been exlacy like you. I have wished that i told my family about how i felt long time ago, but now i have and it alot easyer for me to move on my life.
You are being who you are and what you want to be, dont let your family presser you into anything, if there is something on ur life you want to work or start on, i think it is time that you open up when your ready, your a few years younger then me the longer you wait the harder it be.
Also welcome to the fourm :).
I lived my life as a straight woman, and when I decided to transition, I still liked men. I dealt with it by transitioning first, and once fully male, came out as gay. My mother is still freaked out by the gay part. She wishes I just could have been like Ellen (um, Mom, Ellen is GAY! Maybe gay women are less scary to her than gay men, IDK). The whole thing confuses her. The rest of my family is like, whatever. But then I'm a lot older than you and my family has no influence over me or my decisions.
If you feel your parents would be accepting, then come out all at once. I'm male and I'm gay.
Up to you and your comfort level.
I have a family who tries to control me. Don't get me wrong, I still love my family despite everything they put me through but if I could get away from them I would. Financially, I don't have that option yet though so I have to endure living as a female for a little longer until I'm able to move out and start my transition.
My situation is a little different from yours because I identify as a straight male but my mother routinely asks me if I'm gay because she knows that I don't have an interest in men. I'm always tempted to tell her: "Well mom, technically I'm not gay seeing as I'm really a man who prefers women. Actually, only one woman; the girlfriend you didn't know I had!" I would just love to see the jaws drop with that one.
I know my family suspects that I'm transsexual but unlike your parents, mine have made it clear that they're tolerant of homosexuality and transsexuals as long not it's their own child who is one. They're just very backwards in some of their thinking. My father has even openly ridiculed me in public about acting male and having no sexual affinity towards men but that's another story.
I'm planning on finishing school then moving out as soon as possible. Then I'll come out to my family so I can start my transition and be free to live with my girlfriend. Things will be much easier once I have my own life away from them.
Maybe it would be good to keep some distance between yourself and your family then come out to them so you can finally start living as you want to. It's great that they seem accepting of the idea that you're a gay man but they have to learn that you need your own life and that they can't always control you.
Hi Matty! I sent you a very long e-mail. I hope you will reply to me. My story is so similar to yours. I am very sensitive to FTMs who are gay just like me. This is indeed very challenging and hard to be a FTM AND gay.
Quote from: dean1229 on March 29, 2013, 03:36:38 PM
Hi Matty! I sent you a very long e-mail. I hope you will reply to me. My story is so similar to yours. I am very sensitive to FTMs who are gay just like me. This is indeed very challenging and hard to be a FTM AND gay.
If you sent him a message on here than he won't be able to reply until he has 15 posts.
At least I think that's how it goes.
The 15 posts has to do with PM's, not emails. An email goes directly to their personal email address and they would respond from there.
If it was a PM here at Susan's, then although they can read it with only one post, it does take 15 posts before they can respond with the PM function.
Quote from: Jayr on March 29, 2013, 03:48:39 PM
If you sent him a message on here than he won't be able to reply until he has 15 posts.
At least I think that's how it goes.
I sent him both an e-mail and a message on here. :) I know he won't be able to reply until he has 15 posts, that was the case with me too cos i am new here. But he will certainly be able to reply to my e-mail. :) Thanks for pointing this out anyway! ;)
Quote from: dean1229 on March 29, 2013, 03:55:57 PM
I sent him both an e-mail and a message on here. :) I know he won't be able to reply until he has 15 posts, that was the case with me too cos i am new here. But he will certainly be able to reply to my e-mail. :) Thanks for pointing this out anyway! ;)
Oupsie! I didn't even know you could email email people on here. lol
So I thought you were referring to pming. My bad :p
Quote from: Jayr on March 29, 2013, 03:59:18 PM
Oupsie! I didn't even know you could email email people on here. lol
So I thought you were referring to pming. My bad :p
No probs man! But now you know we can send emails from here too. ;)
Thanks for all the support guys. This really is a hard time for me and I apreciate any encouragement and just knowing I'm not alone. I really gotta buck up I guess!
And Dean, thanks for the email, I'll write back real soon.
Hey Matty! I am so happy to hear from you! And of course i am waiting for your reply to my e-mail! I know you don't really know me but for some reason i feel like i have known you for years...
About twenty years ago, my partner (now my ex) used to say, "You're just a gay man in a woman's body." That was pretty much how I saw myself back then, and I've had male-on-male fantasies (sexual and otherwise) ever since I was four or five. So as far as I'm concerned, I have always been a gay boy, and now I'm moving through adolescence and becoming a gay man. It's been my most urgent desire for decades, to be a part of the community that I knew I belonged in.
I am stealth trans and openly gay. I have had some sexual interest from maybe half a dozen men since I started transition, but none of them interested me. So I haven't been sexually active since my "straight" relationship broke up four years ago. But I am still living as a gay man, and it is right for me. I go to a gay men's group, have gay male friends (who, as I said, do not know I am trans), and I volunteer in the community.
I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I have had a lot of challenges and hang-ups, and I am still working through some of them, but living gay has been wonderful for me. I am not confused. I am not straight. I am a gay man.
Quote from: Arch on March 29, 2013, 06:22:33 PM
About twenty years ago, my partner (now my ex) used to say, "You're just a gay man in a woman's body." That was pretty much how I saw myself back then, and I've had male-on-male fantasies (sexual and otherwise) ever since I was four or five. So as far as I'm concerned, I have always been a gay boy, and now I'm moving through adolescence and becoming a gay man. It's been my most urgent desire for decades, to be a part of the community that I knew I belonged in.
I am stealth trans and openly gay. I have had some sexual interest from maybe half a dozen men since I started transition, but none of them interested me. So I haven't been sexually active since my "straight" relationship broke up four years ago. But I am still living as a gay man, and it is right for me. I go to a gay men's group, have gay male friends (who, as I said, do not know I am trans), and I volunteer in the community.
I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I have had a lot of challenges and hang-ups, and I am still working through some of them, but living gay has been wonderful for me. I am not confused. I am not straight. I am a gay man.
Hey Arch! First of all, i am really happy to hear that you are happy! :)
Unfortunately, I can't say the same about me... I live in Bulgaria (Europe) and people are really too dumb to understand the conception of trans people here... :(((( They really hate us and it doesn't really matter if you are a FTM or MTF - they hate us. :((((
I don't really know how i can deal with this any longer. You know that the social things have a huge influence on us - and here it is, a huge emotional and mental torture - lots of people hating on us. :((((
For sure Dean, we do seem to have a lot in common! Really, really, really appreciated your email, you have no idea how much that really helped today. I'll definitely get back to you when I eventually get to a computer.
I'm glad to hear of others who are gay men.
People I work with will always know I was a girl if I commit (I have an IMDb with credits under a girl's name) and that actually worries me a little too because in my line of work, everyone checks your IMDb. I highly doubt it'll affect my career, but I do worry if I was to go the whole way whether I'd ever really be accepted in new work places straight away when folk know off the bat, and in my line of work it can be a new work place every 3-4 months. It would be nice to be able to think that in the future I'd have the choice whether to reveal or not and I will never have that choice professionally. I have a lot of roadblocks to face but thankfully I am in an accepting country and accepting line of work which I try to focus on.
I would like to be able to be stealth trans and not being able to is a little scary before really kicking it off.