Yesterday was the first day I went out ANYWHERE publick without a bra binder or whatever on.Just a shirt.
It was wonderful .But just before I walked out I felt paranoid, like I was going out exposed than I reminded myself I have no more boobs, nothing to hide, tie down or otherwise disguise from the world.
I have found something very strange about being transgender and having this chest reconstruction, the body was traumatized by being and living in the wrong gender, I had this instinct to hide my front from others like I was protecting myself .. When I had boobs I apparently seemed to be always in a defensive stance in public ,always wary. And I still think it is criminal how women's breasts are made into fetish objects so women have to wear bras and contain thier boobs in the heat of summer.
All my life I longed to just walk out in the summer heat without sticky hot bras, binders or vests, to hide what was there from greedy intrusive eyes and unwelcome comments.
To go out with just a T shirt on without being oogled or hear unwanted comments from cars,about those boobs I wished would dissapear was amazing to me.
I used to joke that I wanted to wear a burka, cover my body entirely so I would not feel so intruded upon when I went out and be subjected to lookism,oogled at and basically judged because of the way our culture has fetishized boobs,I didn't want to be reminded of one of the most painful yet invisible to other's eyes,unless they were sensitive,reality in my life every time I set foot outside,that issue of not being a female but looking and being addressed and treated as one would be triggered.
And now with the male chest I have longed for here,now, with excercising this liberation I can see clearly the scars of where cultural opression has built up in me these involuntary protective mechanisms shame mechanisms in my mind and body memory. They have been gathered into me as baggage from years of being treated as the wrong gender by the patriarchial bi gendered world.
So for the first time out with nothing holding my chest in I felt a bit strange.But I felt free, this freedom has not been felt ever since I lost this freedom as soon as my body developed. In the heat it was not torment for me this time. A cotton sleeveless T shirt , shorts and my docs was all I wore. And as my time passed I began to see other people did NOT see a set of boobs on two legs anymore,no longer was I being visually cut into pieces by partriarchal lookism..I began to relax and I felt at peace going out there.And now that I felt no longer bullied by others eyes I realized the damage done to me was deep ..I noticed it most clearly when I had to reassure myself over and over in my own mind that I was safe and looked fine going out with only a t shirt on my chest.
Our bi gendered fetishized culture is very destructive to personhood.
Every time a person is reduced by strangers eyes and commentaries often unwanted to sexual parts that are culturally fetishized . It wounds the person within the heart that is housed in that body.
At least that is how it felt to me.Something to think about.
thats utterly utterly fantastic - pleased beyond words for you, truly :) It must be a wonderful, liberating feeling.
congrats and so so envious also ;)
wow, that feeling must be amazing. Freedom!
congrats...
Congratulations on your new found freedom, it must feel really good. I know that I have now lost that freedom, to go shirtless in this fetishized culture as you call it. :( That is one thing I will miss during the heat of summer.
I'm glad you posted this UP. Now your wounds can begin to heal.
Hugs,
Rhonda
Envy.
But I'm glad you don't have to deal with these fatty tumors anymore. Enjoy : )
Lance
Great for you, and very well written prose too.
A big hug for you. That too will fill different :-).
Wonerful feeling, being free to be yourself? Now I experience periodically the discomfort of having my breasts talked to instead of my face. And yes, hugs feel very different to me, as they will to you, as Keira said.
Enjoy summer. Enjoy your new existence!
Bev
Im so jealous..... ;)
Holy crap that was well written. Congrats!
Agreed, well written and good points made. I'm dealing with the discomforts of binding, feeling hugely conscious of my breasts if I don't, and the temps here are hitting 100 and over, making it all the worse.
So I echo: Envy. But happy for you too. It must be an amazing feeling, and thank you for your thoughtful observations about it.
Wow, the ability to just take off my shirt when it is hot would definitely be something I'd miss. Its amazing what we take for granted when it has been there our whole lives. I'm glad you can finally have the freedom men have when it comes to just wearing a t-shirt.
Even my girlfriend, who's all girl and would never want to get rid of hers, got jealous last weekend when it was hot and she was walking along with a bra and a shirt on and I stuffed my t-shirt in my pocket. Probably makes it all the worse because I could empathize with her position, but was enjoying mine too much :P
Dennis
Well, there are not many places where men past 30 actually walk shirtless except at a resort, around their house and yard, beach, and people working outside for long hours in contruction.
I always wear very light tanks and camisoles in the summer with either no bra (the tanks have their own support or the lightest wicking microfiber bra I can buy. With that, I'm less covered than all men my age (who very rarely uncover, I'm 39).
Yeah, I know Keira, I live in the middle of nowhere and we were in the woods walking the dog, so it was just a comfort thing. I wouldn't walk through town with my shirt off. But it's sure nice to be able to do it when it's hot and I'm in a suitable place.
Dennis
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.livetourartists.com%2Fmr-lahey-and-randy%2FRandy-MrLeahey.jpg&hash=7dca89f95c5ab018cee3fb2cfe6de8ae69663a06)
This conversation makes me think of Randy from Trailerpark Boys. At least the notion of men walking around without a shirt on just where ever.