Hi all,
I'm 26 and have been dealing with gender dysphoria on and off since I was 16. Sometimes I'll feel strongly that I'm supposed to be a guy, especially feeling like I should be taller, have a flat chest, deeper voice, and, y'know, things that reside in the pants. Also socially, I'll be startled or frustrated when people call me "she", and when I do ask people to think of me as a man and refer to me with male pronouns, those interactions feel really amazing. But sometimes it goes away completely, and there are also times when I specifically feel like I'm "supposed" to be female. In those times I want people to think of me as a woman, and sometimes I even wish my chest was a little bigger. : )
I've wondered whether it's some sort of complex, like maybe I'm afraid to transition so my brain is coming up with an excuse not to, or I'm reacting to all the positive reinforcement I've gotten as a female. I really don't think it is, though. It feels natural. At this point, I don't plan to take hormones or have surgery. I've sort of split up my social life into people I spend time with as a woman and a few people I spend time with as a man (although I don't pass, so they know me as a trans man). Everyone knows what's up with me, but it just seems to be more comfortable for myself and others when I keep it separate.
My question is: has anyone here had similar feelings and then later went on to fully identify as male? I hear about gender dysphoria increasing over time. Is this something that a lot of people start out with and then lose when they get older, or when they start to spend more time presenting as a man? I know the choice to transition is mine to make, so I'm not asking whether I should transition in the future or not. I also know that in the end, it doesn't matter whether I'm the only one in the world who feels a particular way; I still have to make the decision. But I'm really curious about whether anyone else has felt this way and then had it fade out, because sometimes I get that impression, but I've never heard anyone directly talk about it.
I can relate to a little of this, the only thing I definitely don't relate to is wanting to be bigger in the chest but I have issues there cause I'm already a ridiculous DD!
I've yo-yo'd myself on this issue several times but for me, talking it out, I've grown to realise that the reason for me getting to times where I try to be more feminine is related to outside sources, be it my parents or just general expectations. Although it should be said that I've wanted to be a boy since I can remember and started having tantrums when forced to wear girl's clothes as early as 2-3yrs old.
I let myself go a little while I was at school. The entire time I was at school I just ignored my hair, tied it back and threw on a cap while continuing to wear boyish clothing and so on. I went on to work and it was long hours and a stressful job and so I just continued that way while putting on weight. The most recent example of trying to be more feminine happened after going home for xmas and trying to please my mother by agreeing to go and get girl clothes, I also decided that I was going to make an effort and lose all that weight and get fit again. I then started thinking, "Once I lose this fat I can get out of my baggy boyish clothes and look good in those girly outfits my mum bought." I lost half the weight I want to before admitting to myself that it's just more denial. I'm trying to deny it because my parents are disgusted by it and because I'm straight as female but gay as male. Not that I consider anything wrong with homosexuality, it's just the idea of being trans male and gay that has people confused and me a little unsure if relationships will ever work.
Everyone's different but I would be sure before you commit to anything. Maybe you never need to take hormones or get any surgery, maybe you can live quite happily with the decision whether or not to present as female or male in different situations. Nothing wrong with that either.
I tend to feel that ideally I would rather have been born a boy or a normal (for lack of a better word) girl than feel like I have the wrong parts. So in my opinion, I think what you're experiencing will indeed be normal, maybe not for everyone but then we're all different. I often wish I could just conform to female normality, and I guess the idea of gender dysphoria increasing with time is partly with people who think that way starting to understanding more and more that they just can't or don't want to. I'd say that's what's happened to me. I've given it so many a good go that I know I'm just not capable of living that way.
I can relate. I've gone back and forth between acting more masculine and more feminine. I'd get really close to people actually seeing me as a guy, passing almost all the time in public, and it scared me. Hit too close to home, so I'd go back to being more feminine. Subconsciously, because I didn't think of it that way at the time. But everytime I did I would act less feminine. In fact, during my "feminine" phases throughout high school I was still considered "butch" by my peers the whole time. It's really how you see yourself.
As for the chest thing, when I was a kid I was the first to hit puberty. I had a full C before any of the girls my age starting developing anything at all. This also happened to coincide with my first girly phase, which was actually pretty girly, if awkward. So that became my thing. Not necessarily by my own doing, but that was what I was known as and I did like having that one up on other girls my age. At the same time I was deeply bothered by being known for them and having people be attracted to me because of them. Even if the actual things themselves bothered me though, it was the social benefits they gave me.
I think presenting as female itself brings social benefits, putting makeup on or wearing something pretty made people react more positively to me, so any discomfort I felt got pushed away to where I didn't even know it was there. I thought the only way I would be accepted was if I acted like all the girls around me did. Society taught me that being a tomboy is cute when you're a kid, but you better cut it out once you get older, otherwise you're weird. It can be really confusing. But eventually whatever social benefits presenting female gave me became nothing in the face of growing gender dysphoria. I don't know if that's along the lines of what you are going through, but it did remind me of my situation.
Gender dysphoria is pretty individual, but from what I've gathered (and experienced myself) if it keeps coming back, it won't go away and it will get stronger. That's not to say it happens that way for everyone, but for the majority of us, wishing it away just doesn't work, and we eventually accept that transition is the only way forward. You'll be the only one to determine if that applies to you.
My therapist mentioned something to the affect of "dual-gendered" people, and that's certainly a possibility. Personally I think that feeling that way, going back and forth, would be so much harder than being strictly FtM or MtF. It would be hard to feel female some days and male others, if only because it would be so difficult to explain it to the people around you.
In answer to the question, though -- I had a little bit of that when I first came out. It was mostly related to fear, thinking my family would disown me or something, and being in the conservative South, wondering if it was worth all the potential discrimination. I made a pretty girl, and to be honest I wasn't that dysphoric about appearances. I'd always thought it would be cool to have something more going on downstairs, you know, but the dysphoria didn't really kick in until after I started to transition (which kind of sucks.), when I started to feel like there were certain things expected of me as a transman. I'm getting over that now, but it was there for a bit.
Thanks, everyone! It's going to take a while to figure it all out. If I knew I'd always feel the way I do now, I'd do the bigender / genderqueer thing with no worries. It's a little socially complicated, but not too bad, and I'm extremely lucky since my family is supportive.
My main curiosity is whether it'll shift over time and what I think of as my "female side" will evaporate...but I guess I just have to wait.
Quote from: democration on April 01, 2013, 04:03:30 AM
My therapist mentioned something to the affect of "dual-gendered" people, and that's certainly a possibility. Personally I think that feeling that way, going back and forth, would be so much harder than being strictly FtM or MtF. It would be hard to feel female some days and male others, if only because it would be so difficult to explain it to the people around you.
I thought it was going to be harder than it is. Luckily, it's not totally involuntary for me. It's more like I can go out as a guy a couple times a week to get it out of my system, including dressing the part which relieves the physical dysphoria somewhat, and then I feel fine as a woman the rest of the time. If I don't do that, it builds up. The fact that I can schedule it makes it pretty easy. A big question I haven't answered yet is whether I also need to spend time with people as a woman in the same way. I've never been without it, so I don't know how much I'd miss it! Sometime soon I plan to try "guy mode" for a full week and see how it feels.
Quote from: DanaRSS on April 01, 2013, 12:30:26 AM
Hi all,
I'm 26 and have been dealing with gender dysphoria on and off since I was 16. Sometimes I'll feel strongly that I'm supposed to be a guy, especially feeling like I should be taller, have a flat chest, deeper voice, and, y'know, things that reside in the pants. Also socially, I'll be startled or frustrated when people call me "she", and when I do ask people to think of me as a man and refer to me with male pronouns, those interactions feel really amazing. But sometimes it goes away completely, and there are also times when I specifically feel like I'm "supposed" to be female. In those times I want people to think of me as a woman, and sometimes I even wish my chest was a little bigger. : )
My dysphoria manifests itself as a discontentment with my female body. But its true sometimes I swing back and forth like a pendulum. Sometimes I love my body when I feel like being feminine and showing off, but other times I want to be male physically and be treated and seen as male. When I see other transguys getting their lower voices and muscles on T I get envious, and think "Oh my god, that should be me!" Thats always my reaction no matter how feminine or masculine I feel. So, needless to say I feel really confused a lot of the time, but overall I lean towards the masculine (on a purely physical level).
No you arent alone in your feelings. I think I understand where your coming from, and you sharing your experience makes me feel a little relieved and less alone. :)
Quote from: ChrisJ on April 01, 2013, 08:43:37 PM
My dysphoria manifests itself as a discontentment with my female body. But its true sometimes I swing back and forth like a pendulum. Sometimes I love my body when I feel like being feminine and showing off, but other times I want to be male physically and be treated and seen as male. When I see other transguys getting their lower voices and muscles on T I get envious, and think "Oh my god, that should be me!" Thats always my reaction no matter how feminine or masculine I feel. So, needless to say I feel really confused a lot of the time, but overall I lean towards the masculine (on a purely physical level).
No you arent alone in your feelings. I think I understand where your coming from, and you sharing your experience makes me feel a little relieved and less alone. :)
Thanks so much...it really is good to not feel alone in stuff like that, I feel the same way. I think I'm starting to realize something about transition. I've always figured that either I was "supposed" to physically transition or I wasn't, like a reality inside me that I have to discover. But maybe there is no right or wrong answer, just advantages and disadvantages. Even if I could choose to instantly have a perfect male body, for free and with no social repercussions, I think there would still be pluses and minuses for me.
Yes, me right here. That was me completely. I went back and forward for at least a decade. I kept telling myself I never would do anything as extremely as hormones. That I just needed to embrace my female side or be happy being a tomboy. I tried very hard, wore dresses, fixed my hair but looking in the mirror just felt completely wrong. It didn't matter how I approached it. I think a big part of my stalling was I knew how much my fundamentalist parents would object. I even got it into my head that the ultra feminine experience of being pregnant would somehow 'fix' me. Even that didn't work in the least little bit.
When I turned 30 I decided enough was enough and just went for it. Since then I haven't seen or spoken to the majority of my family including my father or brother in 3 years. As awful as that is it was so completely worth it I would do it hundred times again. I have never felt more complete and at peace with myself then I do right now. Each day is a new adventure and I love every moment of it. It was a very tough road though for awhile there. For that reason I'm glad I waited until I was emotional mature and independent enough to handle the pain of rejection with some grace.
Right now I'm almost 'finished' with my transition. As much as medically possible at this point in time at least. I pass completely to the point people who know say it's completely self evident I am the way I was always meant to be.
Quote from: DanaRSS on April 01, 2013, 10:31:50 PM
Thanks so much...it really is good to not feel alone in stuff like that, I feel the same way. I think I'm starting to realize something about transition. I've always figured that either I was "supposed" to physically transition or I wasn't, like a reality inside me that I have to discover. But maybe there is no right or wrong answer, just advantages and disadvantages. Even if I could choose to instantly have a perfect male body, for free and with no social repercussions, I think there would still be pluses and minuses for me.
Yeah I feel like that too sometimes. I always hope that there something in me that will know if I should transition or when and that some day I will have no shred of doubt what so ever. Like one day some magic message inside of me will explode and say in gold letters before my eyes "YOU MUST PHYSICALLY TRANSITION RIGHT NOW. Heres how to do it..." But thats probably not gonna happen, lol! You just weigh the pros and cons, feel whats right, and then do what you have to do. There's no requirement to do anything, though it seems that way sometimes. Anywho I wish you luck. As for me Im still swinging on the pendulum so Im gonna live as a male socially until I feel certain transition is the right thing to do. Im taking my sweet time figuring things out.
Quote from: ChrisJ on April 02, 2013, 09:05:41 PM
Yeah I feel like that too sometimes. I always hope that there something in me that will know if I should transition or when and that some day I will have no shred of doubt what so ever. Like one day some magic message inside of me will explode and say in gold letters before my eyes "YOU MUST PHYSICALLY TRANSITION RIGHT NOW. Heres how to do it..." But thats probably not gonna happen, lol! You just weigh the pros and cons, feel whats right, and then do what you have to do. There's no requirement to do anything, though it seems that way sometimes. Anywho I wish you luck. As for me Im still swinging on the pendulum so Im gonna live as a male socially until I feel certain transition is the right thing to do. Im taking my sweet time figuring things out.
Good luck to you too! I hope it works out well for you!
I don't see myself taking hormones anytime soon, probably never. I've actually found that going out as a male has been completely essential for me, no turning back there, but my physical dysphoria has gotten much weaker. Sometimes I pass by a mirror and am surprised that I don't have facial hair or a flat chest, but it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it kinda strikes me as funny, like my mind played a prank on me. (The one exception is in sexy situations...that's the only time I'd say I feel let down by my physical body or really wish it was different.) Whereas if someone tags me as a woman socially when I'm feeling especially male, it surprises me
and bothers me. Hormones would make the social stuff easier, since I'd pass better, but I'd rather do everything I can to pass without them.