My childhood was full of abuse. It has taken years to overcome the issues it's caused me and I am still dealing with it 10 years later.
Tonight it was triggered as I attempted to write a coming out letter to my parents. Every single example letter I could find said something along the lines of 'you didn't do anything wrong, I love you, and I hope you can love me.'
This really triggered some serious angst. They did do something wrong and I couldn't care less if they love me, accept me, or respect my decision. I could cut them out of my life and I feel I would be okay with that decision but I feel they deserve to at least know WHY. I would like to give them a chance to prove they can overcome the horrible people they once were.
How do you do it? I'm completely stumped. Any sample letter I try to copy makes me feel like I'm lying through my teeth.
If they did something wrong I wouldn't bring attention to it, it's definitely not the place as with a letter like this, you shouldn't try to start a fight as it will only distract from the intended focus. However, I just wouldn't lie and say they didn't do something wrong, it's probably best to just not say anything and not assign blame.
I also wouldn't seek a sample letter or even suggest anything specific to you because these are your parents and they know you. If you start spouting off specific phrases it's going to sound less like you and that's not going to reach them in the same way. Also, what you're feeling is your own feelings and getting that written down is only something you can do.
Just write from the heart. Let them know what's happening in a clear and concise manner. Don't ramble but get what needs to be said written down. But maybe leave it open, don't write it with aggression. Leaving it more informative and open will give them that chance to accept you and maybe even one day support you if and when you want that support.
Just write as you, and avoid lying. You can embellish if you wish to, like if you do have love for your parents somewhere inside, you don't need to specify that you kinda love them, you can embellish that love if you find it's relevant to the letter. Make it clear to them that this is your life, again, not in an aggressive manner, just in a way that they know you can't be simply talked out of it.
Best of luck!
Hello,
I was also physically abused growing up. And while it is tempting to bring it up, the right time to do it is not during your 'coming out' letter. They will either deny it (my parent did) and use it as proof that you are dillusional, or they will blame themselves, or something else ridiculous. If you do it, your abuse will always be related to your transition, rather than your transition simply being about the fact that youre a man.
I also could not give less of a ____ (fill in the blanks) about what the absuive parent thinks about me. Genuinely and truly. I am not even angry anymore, I just have zero concern over that person's opinion. When I told the parent i did it in a very cold matter of fact way.
Over the phone
"Im a man now, my name is_____ (insert manly name) and I am taking hormones. "
I didnt tell the parent in order to be compassionate, I just wanted to give that person the option to call me the correct pronouns. When that person chose not to, I cut all ties for about 6 years.
If you dont care, then just tell them as coldly as possible and let them deal with it. It's not your job to pander to them.
*if youre wondering why i didnt include the gende of my parent its because: If i say it was my mother, people assume I am pansy for being beat up by a woman and if i say it was my father, people will assume it was sexual abuse.
If you feel you should include a phrase like that, and if you don't believe the abuse lead to you being trans, then say so. Something like, "you did nothing to make me this way, it's who I am and no one's fault" isn't negating the fact they did some wrong to you, but sounds positive.
If you aren't comfortable with the sample letters, don't use 'em. Coming out isn't a one size fits all process. I often wish I had waited, but also don't because then I don't have to explain later why all my friends call me Max and use male pronouns. Would've probably resulted in them dragging me off to a psych ward and telling them that whatever marks they found on me were self-inflicted. Damn parents.
Anyway, just be straight up with them and flat-out say it. You don't need their support or even their approval, because you're better than that. You can let them know why you're leaving and that they didn't cause you to do this, but they don't really deserve more than that imo from what you're telling us. I mean, if I were out of the house and not out yet, I wouldn't tell them, but I would have cut contact the instant I left home. It's big of you to give them another chance, I'm not sure I could do that if I were you. Just don't let them manipulate you into not being yourself in order to gain this prize of affection and acceptance that has probably been lacking from your entire childhood. To take that offer is to give in and let them know that you are under their control, even as an adult.
So in short, say what you think is right, not what some sample letter dictates. Nobody is a carbon copy. Best of luck, here's hoping your parents realize that they've had a great kid all along and don't even deserve the chance he's giving them now to be a part of his life and prove themselves as caring people.
To be clear, I'm 28 this year. I have maintained a cordial relationship with my parents. For several years after I left home I didn't talk to them except to let them know that I was still alive. Eventually I felt comfortable with talking to them more often but I've kept most of my personal life from them because of their religious beliefs and how it influences them to be judging and give advice where it isn't wanted. They've learned boundaries but they'll still try so I just don't talk.
I feel that I owe them a chance to really know me. No holds barred, no keeping secrets. It's all out there for them to see. It will be painful if they don't accept me for who I am, but I'm fully prepared to blow them off and never worry about it again. One chance. That's all they get.