My parents were in town for my brother's bike race and they decided to ambush me at home. I got another lecture about how I'm not trans and how I need to conform to society. Here Let's see what I remember:are the points I can remember:
Quote
- They love their SON
- My mom has threatened to choke me if I transition
- My mom wants to "kill the bitch" that is taking away her son
- They want me to separate fantasy from reality
- My mom can't stop crying because me transitioning feels like death to her
- My mom will walk out of my life
- My dad is only proud of is SON and not the way I've handled being trans
- My dad wants me to conform to society
- My dad has promised me that all of my friends that I'm out to are talking about me behind my back
- My dad thinks that most people who transition regret it
I was just getting ready to go to a friend's birthday lunch when they arrive, so I had a convenient excuse to make them leave. While I was at lunch my mom left a voicemail saying that it's obvious where I'm heading and that I need to find new family. She ended by wishing me a good life.
I have no idea what to do. Do I try to have somebody reason with them? Do I wait for them to come back on their own?
Leave them. Period. They are abusive and unwilling to even try to understand.
Save the voicemail. Later, if they repent of their good-for-nothingness, you'll still have it, to show them how unworthy they are to have a daughter like yourself, EVER.
Seriously. Never, ever forgive someone who has abused you. Never let them back into your life.
Good luck. *hugs*
Big hug! There are going to be hard choices in life. You're going to hear varying approaches, let me offer this. My Mom wrote my older brother out of her life decades ago. They hold harsh feelings for each other to this day. But she has lived happily and productively, and so has he. It's not the end of the world when families break up. I am not trying to drive a wedge in your family, just suggesting an option. You want a jelly bean, hon? Hugs, Devlyn
Hey Anna!!!
Am sorry about your parents - maybe you could drive by their house and scream so what if I am trans - at least let me be happy being myself and help me deal with life rather than throwing me out.
Am sorry if that came off a bit insensitive - but after years of convincing myself and my parents - I've given up and I just dont care - now if they wanna come arround - they either do it or they don't. Am going away from them for a long time and when I return I either want to be a woman who they could be proud to call their daughter and laugh at their faces for not beliveing in me OR I return to them dead.
You would need to grieve for the loss of your family and things would be tough - but as bad is as it can be things should get better.
Right now - make sure things are safe and secure for you and that you are able to take care of yourself for now.
Are you still dependant on them in any way?
Quote from: Beth Andrea on April 07, 2013, 03:53:00 PM
Save the voicemail. Later, if they repent of their good-for-nothingness, you'll still have it, to show them how unworthy they are to have a daughter like yourself, EVER.
Seriously. Never, ever forgive someone who has abused you. Never let them back into your life.
I don't want to say I'll never forgive them, but they'll also have to earn it by showing they've changed their tone.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 07, 2013, 03:55:58 PM
It's not the end of the world when families break up. I am not trying to drive a wedge in your family, just suggesting an option. You want a jelly bean, hon?
I'm liking the idea of extra space now but I'm going to hope it doesn't end up being permanent. I would like a jelly bean, I've got my own bag over here already...
Quote from: Alexia6 on April 07, 2013, 04:01:45 PM
Right now - make sure things are safe and secure for you and that you are able to take care of yourself for now.
Are you still dependant on them in any way?
I don't depend on them at all. My job is going well and I've lived on my own for the last few years. The friends I've told so far are all behind me, my parents are the only two people who have reacted negatively so far.
As if you haven't worked it out already your life is about to involve one of the most important lessons of transitioning.
Being yourself is the only way to live.
There will always be people who accept you for you, no matter what. These are the only people who really matter.
The vast majority of people in the world? Well they don't figure.
There are going to be people who either won't accept you or will even hate you just because you're being yourself. I guess it depends on whether you want an easy life or a difficult one.
If you want a difficult one you can try and reason with them and get them to like you and accept you.
But if you prefer an easy life just let them go and move on. They don't figure either. Not in the grand scheme of things.
Some people make being trans out to be much bigger than it is in reality. Your parents are a prime example of this.
I'm not going to suggest you don't forgive them and think that you still considering it an option in the light of what is happening says something really positive about you. It shows strength and faith in human nature. It's also much better than hating them because that's just going to tie you to the past.
Just so sorry that you have to go through this. Hang in there. Live your life with the people who really matter, not the ones who don't. It's one of the secrets to a happy life.
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 07, 2013, 03:39:23 PM
I was just getting ready to go to a friend's birthday lunch when they arrive, so I had a convenient excuse to make them leave. While I was at lunch my mom left a voicemail saying that it's obvious where I'm heading and that I need to find new family. She ended by wishing me a good life.
I have no idea what to do. Do I try to have somebody reason with them? Do I wait for them to come back on their own?
Kia Ora Anna,
You are entering the 'unknown'...
"Desperate times, call for desperate measures!" At this moment in time it's all about your pair-'rents' and what's really going on in their minds...How will they ever face their neighbours, friends and other family members ? What will they think of them having a transgender offspring ?
If they haven't threatened you with 'physical' violence,[which according to your mother's passing statement they have not=
She ended by wishing me a good life. ] then there's always the possibility for her or both of your pair-'rents' to see the error of their ways....It sounds like your mother has left the door open, judging by her statement...
Give them some space and time for their self centred irrational thoughts to settle down...Don't say or do something you will regret later in life...
Do nothing and everything that needs to be done will be done...
Metta Zenda :)
Kuan Yin, it is difficult to read emotion or sarcasm in a text...when I read, "Have a good life", I heard it as a sneer.
Perhaps Anna could describe the tone of the phrase?
It didn't sound like a sneer to me... but I don't really want to relisten to the message right now to double check.
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 07, 2013, 06:04:15 PM
It didn't sound like a sneer to me... but I don't really want to relisten to the message right now to double check.
Kia Ora Anna,
Either way, just keep the door of forgiveness ajar...Leaving no room for regrets...
As I'd mentioned before, I believe your pair-'rents' acted out of confusion which lead to'desperation' and irrational 'fear' ....
Metta Zenda :)
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 07, 2013, 06:04:15 PM
It didn't sound like a sneer to me... but I don't really want to relisten to the message right now to double check.
So far the only unconditional love I know about for certain comes from God or from the transverse spelling which is your dog. Parents and siblings most always put conditions on their love and then resort to drama and all forms of emotional blackmail to get their kid to conform to the mental image they have of how their child should be, which of course is a completely unrealistic expectation. After all let's face it, you are an adult now and a distinctly unique individual no longer connected to their umbilical, so they have no right to attempt to apply that kind of pressure on you and not a leg to stand on because it is completely delusional thinking on their part. You will have to wait awhile until they decompress from this recent tantrum and then address this issue, and in no uncertain terms let them know that unless they lighten up and desist from their behavior toward you that you will have no recourse other than to assume that their relationship to you has become toxic and that you will have to write them out of your life for your own wellbeing.
I kind of have to go with Shan's observation, sweetie. It sounds like you desperately want them to accept you for you, and that is okay. That is what we want people we love to do -- accept us and love us back for being us. After all, you are still the same person inside, right?
I think you are hoping they will do something that it sounds like they are not capable of doing. Maybe ask yourself how far and how long you are going to hold out if they never change, or never accept you? How long are you willing to take the toxic relationship and abuse? Perhaps you can start setting limits if they don't come around to acceptance...
My dad, though my mother (Haven't talked to him personally since before I went full time), told me I was dead to him. Plus these four:
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 07, 2013, 04:06:15 PM
- My dad is only proud of is SON and not the way I've handled being trans
- My dad wants me to conform to society
- My dad has promised me that all of my friends that I'm out to are talking about me behind my back
- My dad thinks that most people who transition regret it
And
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 07, 2013, 04:06:15 PM
I don't want to say I'll never forgive them, but they'll also have to earn it by showing they've changed their tone.
I think you're right on the money with this^^^.
I feel so sorry for your parents. They have a wonderful daughter but for reasons of narrow-mindedness they are unable to appreciate her. They're going to miss out.
Just make sure you can appreciate what a unique and valuable human being you are. And don't let toxic people remain in your life (including family) who can't.
I hope you can put the verbal poison you documented here out of your mind. Those words don't deserve a place in your thoughts.
Please accept a hug.
Thanks everyone! I'll get everything they've said out of my mind eventually, but it might take a couple of days. I'll make sure I have plenty of distractions around to take my mind off of things...
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 07, 2013, 07:42:13 PM
Please accept a hug.
I'll accept all the hugs I can get!
This sounds suspiciously similar to the ultimatums I received, minus the threats of violence. No need to threaten what is a certainty as they say.
Just to agree with everyone else. Leave.
I will say, they will never change, they will never accept. My own experience was a sort of patronising acceptance of my being gay feom my father, though never an acceptance of me as someone he would introduce or mix with. It was more an acceptance of the trials he had to endure! Others never.
Those are my own experiences. I'm just saying that, if you spend even a few minutes trying to bring them round you will loose. It took me about 15 years to be honest. By which time I was drained.
So yes, walk away. They are being abusive, rude and refusing to accept that you have a validity outside their own. They are basically saying you will never be good enough, so behave.
It truely hurts reading the OPs post, because I have a mom that is so utterly the reverse.
My mom can't stop saying son this and son that, but I am not such a dolt I can't see that mom is also 80 and has trouble with everything eh, she's not ignoring my need to hear 'daughter' and 'she and hers' in dialogue, she's just a bit old and a bit set in her mode.
Heck I have trouble editing the wrong gender out of my dialogue when referring to myself, so I can hardly complain if others do it without malice.
But my mom has made it clear, she's not going to stop loving me. I was her baby once. I am merely a lot older than I once was :)
But I have heard conversations like the OPs and it was for all sorts of things having nothing to do with sex gender or any of the issues of our community here. Some parents simply suck at parenting. And they likely think they are fine people too.
The most you can do, is not let them live your life. Not let their choices rule yours. Not limit yourself by their lousy example.
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on April 08, 2013, 12:23:18 PM
It truely hurts reading the OPs post, because I have a mom that is so utterly the reverse.
My mom can't stop saying son this and son that, but I am not such a dolt I can't see that mom is also 80 and has trouble with everything eh, she's not ignoring my need to hear 'daughter' and 'she and hers' in dialogue, she's just a bit old and a bit set in her mode.
Heck I have trouble editing the wrong gender out of my dialogue when referring to myself, so I can hardly complain if others do it without malice.
But my mom has made it clear, she's not going to stop loving me. I was her baby once. I am merely a lot older than I once was :)
I love you're attitude Lesley, you're just terrific!
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on April 08, 2013, 12:23:18 PM
But I have heard conversations like the OPs and it was for all sorts of things having nothing to do with sex gender or any of the issues of our community here. Some parents simply suck at parenting. And they likely think they are fine people too.
The most you can do, is not let them live your life. Not let their choices rule yours. Not limit yourself by their lousy example.
May I add amen to that?
Anne,
I am truly sorry that you had to face that kind of family disapproval ignorance. You are their child and they should support you.
This is why I always say "remember we are family here, your family now." in my introduction. No matter where you go, what you do, you will always have a family here.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81) sister.
This is a very difficult and delicate situation. Parents are parents and often struggle to come to terms with what's going on with sons and daughters. We must try to help them in this and walking away from it is not the answer. That said of course if the parents really do not want to continue a relationship then there is perhaps little to be done. My boyfriend has started to transition and has his family to deal with yet. We are trying the softly, well not so softly approach of dressing more and more girley and that's going reasonable. However we do not know what the ultimate reaction will be . I am here to support him to make the transition and will do all I can to make it as good as possible. I love him and her so that's my job !
*hugz*
That is all.
Kia Ora Anna,
What was your relationship like with your parents before you told them ?
Was it warm/loving ?
Or somewhat strained ?
Do your parents practice a 'religion' ?
That is, is it their religious beliefs that has lead them to reject you ? Fearing they will be shunned by the community if they embrace your decision to transition...
Or is it just plain old ignorance where they've watched one too many Jerry Springer-like shows ?
Metta Zenda :)
Quote from: spacial on April 08, 2013, 06:18:48 AM
So yes, walk away. They are being abusive, rude and refusing to accept that you have a validity outside their own. They are basically saying you will never be good enough, so behave.
I can see that, and I hate that I have to agree with it. I thought they were better people than this.
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on April 08, 2013, 12:23:18 PM
It truely hurts reading the OPs post, because I have a mom that is so utterly the reverse.
Some of my friends have fake-come out to their parents just to see how their parents would react. They all got much, much better reactions than my parents gave me and I'm a little jealous. I'm happy for everybody here who have better parents than I do... do any of you want to adopt me as your sister?
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on April 08, 2013, 02:29:26 PM
No matter where you go, what you do, you will always have a family here.
Thanks. I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am now if I hadn't found this place :)
Quote from: Cleopatra on April 08, 2013, 03:54:25 PM
This is a very difficult and delicate situation. Parents are parents and often struggle to come to terms with what's going on with sons and daughters. We must try to help them in this and walking away from it is not the answer. That said of course if the parents really do not want to continue a relationship then there is perhaps little to be done.
I'm going to stay open to them coming back into my life, but I'm not going to push for anything if they're not willing to accept me.
Quote from: ZoeM on April 08, 2013, 04:02:53 PM
*hugz*
That is all.
* hug back * Thanks :) I really needed that.
Quote from: Kuan Yin on April 08, 2013, 04:35:45 PM
What was your relationship like with your parents before you told them ?
They were loving and supportive of everything I did. The day before I came out my mom was talking about the argument she was in with my grandma and she promised me that she would never cut me out the way my grandma did to her. That conversation gave me the courage to come out, and it hurts that she didn't follow through.
Quote
Do your parents practice a 'religion' ?
I don't know about practicing a religion... they say grace before eating dinner and they insist that I was raised methodist but religion rarely comes up (at least around me). I think my dad is embarrassed to have a trans daughter, which is why he's said he's not proud of me and wants this to just be a phase that I'm going through. I'm a little embarrassed to have them as parents right now after going through all this.
The funny thing is, I was going to wait until after the family vacation to start HRT that way I didn't have to worry about medications when I'm around them. Not going on the trip gives me a chance to start sooner.
:( She just linked me to one of those Christian "pray the trans away" sites. It's not an apology or request for forgiveness, so I'm just going to ignore it and wonder why she can't just accept me for who I am... especially since I see transitioning as a dream come true so being "cured" would ruin that for me!
You clearly care a lot about your parents by your continued efforts to talk to them and your posting of their next aggression here. It's truly a shame that your care for them seems unrequited. I want to find a way to take that back and find the silver lining here but... assuming Christian faith, they are not being Christlike in the least. Really they're using the faith as a proxy to justify their judgments so they ain't you or a church any favors.
I also find I'm left here thinking: Is this the time when we begin to wonder about if there is something going on in a closet back home at your parents? Just, how many times with vitriol this strong does it come from someone running from themselves? I mean not to cast aspersions, only, this reaction seems awful strong.
Maybe i'm wrong, but this seems to smack of manipulation by your parents. I have had similar dealings with my parents (over non-trans related issues). I finally reached a breaking point and I walked away from the relationship but left the door open for the possibility of having a future relationship on MY terms. We did not talk for over a year, but we now have a casual phone relationship and I see them from time to time - but if any BS starts up i'm out the door.
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 08, 2013, 08:32:48 PM
:( She just linked me to one of those Christian "pray the trans away" sites. It's not an apology or request for forgiveness, so I'm just going to ignore it and wonder why she can't just accept me for who I am... especially since I see transitioning as a dream come true so being "cured" would ruin that for me!
Kia Ora Anna,
Sorry to hear that, but don't give up on her just yet...You could try sending her some positive trans-stories to counter the 'pray the trans away' groups who rely on pseudo-psychology which has been discredited by most mental health professionals...
Metta Zenda :)
What was your relationship like with your parents before you told them ?
They were loving and supportive of everything I did. The day before I came out my mom was talking about the argument she was in with my grandma and she promised me that she would never cut me out the way my grandma did to her. That conversation gave me the courage to come out, and it hurts that she didn't follow through."
Remind her of this.
Kia Ora Anna,
GendrKweer makes a good point...Feed back to her what she said to you...
Metta Zenda :)
All love is conditional.
I walked away from my parents for a year after transition,give it time and there's a good chance they'll come round.
Quote from: Misato33 on April 08, 2013, 09:31:42 PM
I also find I'm left here thinking: Is this the time when we begin to wonder about if there is something going on in a closet back home at your parents? Just, how many times with vitriol this strong does it come from someone running from themselves? I mean not to cast aspersions, only, this reaction seems awful strong.
There is nothing that I know of, but I guess that is part of it being closeted... but it's worth thinking about.
I'm liking the idea of walking away (at least temporarily) for my own benefit right now. I'm happier when I don't have to listen to them trying to get me down... I hope they don't corrupt my brother, since he seems to be on my side right now. Maybe he can help convince them to be more open minded... or at least refund the money I've spent for my vacation plane ticket.