Had terrible day today. went to my parents for lunch. Basically got bombarded with questions and accusations. I think i did extremely well to stay calm in the circumstances.
Worst bit is my dad, I understand that he is having trouble handling this. fair enough its a big thing to take in, but i didn't expect to hear what i did from him. If he had just said that he wouldn't be able to take it, and couldn't know me as Shannon i would have been upset about it, but would have handled it. But what he said was if i went through with this i wouldn't be a woman i would just be a thing to him. What an evil thing to say. I mean there is a difference between disagreeing with what someone does, and just plain hurling abuse at them.
I think i am going to put the ball in his court. I dont like the idea of completely cutting him out of my life, but i can handle that if it has to be that way. It's his choice accept me as Shannon or dont. No half measures no setting conditions. If he cant accept me as Shannon then he will not only lose a son, but lose the chance to have a relationship with another a daughter as well. :'(
Big hug! We're having a run on lousy reactions from Mom and Pop today, goes to show they should stick with running stores. Give them time, or give them a wide berth. Hugs, Devlyn
Follow thru with your heart. We all care about our parents however take it from an older TS it is better to move forward to make yourself happy & not try to make your parents happy. I did that & what a mistake years ago.
He will adjust in due time, just move forward as normal as possible.
Good luck
You're not alone Shannon, read "So much for a parent's unconditional love!" It's as I had said earlier, dad's just don't deal well with it, mom's handle it better in the long run, after all you sprang from her womb and there's a connection that is hard to deny. Usually if dad is steadfast and unbending, mom will tire of it and apply some pressure to him to lighten up. Hopefully it will work out that way for you dear!
Parents rejecting you is rough, have a *hug* from me (I know you need one). You did well to stay calm, and you might consider putting some space between you and your parents if they continue making accusations. The two weeks I took off from my parents helped me mentally! On the other hand, I think they backpedaled during that time so don't expect everything to be fine when the break is over...
Quote from: Shannon1979 on April 07, 2013, 04:52:07 PM
It's his choice accept me as Shannon or dont. No half measures no setting conditions. If he cant accept me as Shannon then he will not only lose a son, but lose the chance to have a relationship with another a daughter as well. :'(
Shannon, you are a wise and strong woman. This is the best way you could have handled it.
Thanks for the support. Bit calmer today not going to see them till next weekend so will have a little space. One of those months so far too much on what with moving work and uni work to do. But i think i said it before thats life, and as impossible as things seem we get there in the end.
Apologies for dropping the f-bomb. :angel:
I'm just so sorry you're having to go with it, but can't really fault the way you're handling it.
I can't understand why but it seems to me that male relatives seem to have a much harder time of handling it than female ones. My godfather in Canada is the exception. When we met at Heathrow a couple of times when they had a stopover spent time with him and my godmother, got a few great big bearhugs from him, and really warm vibes.
As for the rest, waste of words and keystrokes even to go into it.
Quote from: StellaB on April 08, 2013, 05:15:58 AM
I'm just so sorry you're having to go with it, but can't really fault the way you're handling it.
I can't understand why but it seems to me that male relatives seem to have a much harder time of handling it than female ones. My godfather in Canada is the exception. When we met at Heathrow a couple of times when they had a stopover spent time with him and my godmother, got a few great big bearhugs from him, and really warm vibes.
As for the rest, waste of words and keystrokes even to go into it.
Yea i think we have to bear in mind that. Men dont show there emotions in the same way as women. Take for example me before i finally admitted to myself that i was a woman. I didnt show emotion, it wasnt the done thing to cry as a man. in my case i was over compensating but in general this is the case in a lot of situations. So when it comes to dealing with something like this men quite often find it much more difficult. Especially if they like my dad are from a generation and family that wouldnt have accepted a male member wearing an earing let along transitioning.
ignorance can be another reason. I mean ignorance as in the lack of knowledge about something. The problem with this is, in my dads case at least he doesnt want to know. And if he does get some information that conflicts with what he has decided is right he just dismisses it out of hand. So unless he can open his mind to new ideas he wont accept this. :angel:
Quote from: Shannon1979 on April 08, 2013, 06:30:09 AM
ignorance can be another reason. I mean ignorance as in the lack of knowledge about something. The problem with this is, in my dads case at least he doesnt want to know. And if he does get some information that conflicts with what he has decided is right he just dismisses it out of hand. So unless he can open his mind to new ideas he wont accept this. :angel:
Well stated! I am from that Jurassic generation and went through the Neanderthal and old dinosaur phase myself until the GID worm that had always been gnawing at my brain finally took me down, so even those old stalwarts can learn a thing or two. Put some time and space between you, be patient and continue on the path you have chosen, he may turn around eventually but it's bound to be a slow process.
Quote from: Shannon1979 on April 08, 2013, 06:30:09 AM
Men dont show there emotions in the same way as women.
There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 08, 2013, 08:59:00 AM
There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.
Yes exactly. i think it comes from the way things used to be (and unfortionatly still are to an extent). Its the hunter gatherer mindset. Traditionally men have gone out to work to provide for the family. With that comes mindset that no matter what as a man you cant show weakness. So now the world has changed it is very difficult to change that mindset, it is so ingrained into the male psycy that it will take a few generations to change. Thats evolution for you. :angel:
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 08, 2013, 08:59:00 AM
There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.
Yes, and in certain circles I've noted that same behavior from women toward other women who don't measure up to their standards as well, it even happens here when post-op trans women find out that someone is going to skip SRS or present androgynously. So I don't think it's limited to any one gender.
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 08, 2013, 08:59:00 AM
There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.
There's also insecurity and fear. We all know how even the mention of the word trans causes so many assumptions in many people. The thought of something even remotely sexual (and let's face it, most heterosexuals see sex as they see electricity - it's all about plugs and sockets) arouses both fascination and disgust.
Women are pretty much public property. In the mind of the average heterosexual male if you're female you're sexually available to him until you declare otherwise. Some have even come up with the term 'gender deception' to describe trans.
In the minds of many cisgendered people those of us who are trans are trying to be someone who we're not in reality. Many believe gender dysphoria is nothing more than a figment of our imagination.
There's also that concept of betraying your gender.
Quote from: StellaB on April 08, 2013, 10:26:45 AM
There's also that concept of betraying your gender.
Wouldn't we be betraying our genders if we
don't transition?
Oh I am betraying my gender alright.
I want to be female looking to aid in feeling more feminine.
But I am mainly female inside as my way of giving my anatomical gender the bird.
I need to control my male hate better, but the thing is, I am unlikely to stop disliking them any time soon as a whole.
If I put every male I am not hating in one spot, it would be a very small town indeed, and the rest of the planet, nope, no real love there.
Shannon.
Like other, it's something we need to go through.
But if I may, your Dad already knew, he just doesn't want to accept it.
I mean to say, you're an adult and that is a pretty petty ultimatum. Basically saying, if you do, he will call you names and tease you mercilessly.
He's attacking himself.
But you are an independent adult. You have a long life to lead and will do it as you choose. Because that is what and adult does.
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 08, 2013, 11:32:24 AM
Wouldn't we be betraying our genders if we don't transition?
As far as I'm aware a betrayal involves something that you betray and I've yet to see anything such as gender solidarity.
But yes, if we don't transition or at least admit that we're trans to me that's where the actual deception lies and I'm just grateful that there are quite a number of cisgendered out there who see this and understand it.
Hey Shannon,
I am really sorry to hear of your situation. This is one of my biggest fears and I hate that anyone has to go through with this. However, even though this is tough, try to focus on what will be gained in the future. It is sad to think that we may lose those we love, but we can't live for their sake. WE need to be happy as well. And by exploring and realizing our true potential there is a lot of happiness coming our way.
As for your father in general, give it time. Most parents have a difficulty grasping this and react out of shock. Sometimes, they try to control the situation with fear and threats. But, if you stand your ground and show how sincere you are, he may very well come to accept it in due time. I know this happened to many before, so don't lose all hope.
+ 1 to crappy reactions from parents. It must have been "harass your transsexual daughter and make her feel worthless day" :eusa_wall:
Am sorry about whats been happening. Anna and you are both wonderful people and if anyone can't see it they are morons.
I don't think we are betraying our gender by wanting to be ourselves but if we don't be ourselves we are betraying ourselves.
My parents despite repeated attempts are stuck up and dismiss anything that doesn't conform to their beliefs as well - so explaining things is pointless. I can understand how frustrating it can be.
Cheers to you both and a big hug!
Thanks everyone for all the replys and support. ;D Things have somewhat improved over the last couple of days. not with parents but with my sister. We have been messaging each other and she seems to be coming to terms with it reasonably quickly. and has even said that is willing to go with me on this journey. Ok she probably has a ways to go before fully embracing it, but that is perfectly understandable. we talked about her kids and how to deal with them. They are young so shouldnt have a problem with it. But its obviously a slightly complicated subject to explain to too small children. so we have agreed that when they finally meet me as Shannon ( they live 200 miles away so not as simple as going next door) i will have gone full time. That way there is less chance of causing them confusion.
So authough i cant predict what will happen with my parents it does look like i have some family left. :angel:
Sorry to hear about your dad. Almost sounds like my dad and I was the first born and if you are maybe that has something to do with. My dad didn't talk or want to have anything to do me for about a year. The last thing he said to me was, I am no longer in the will and everything is going ot my sister and younger brother. Yea that stung. I cried then hung up.
>>>Fast forward a year and some change later>>> Then one day my mum called and was like call your dad next week. So I did. He didn't address me by name or anything and I could tell he didn't know what to talk about so I talked about my work and how I want to get into a different line of work. Him being an railroad man suggest to me be a Conductor to drive the trains and that they hire females to do it. I like to think he is trying know based off that reaction so I keep in touch regularly. We mostly talk about my work that's about it. This past Christmas card from him :) There is hope, more and likely it will take a while. Men can be hard headed.
As for your sister, that is extremely good news. I am truly glad that she is going to go the distance with you. Support from some family is better than none :)
Jenni,
Sounds like your dad is making his own mental and emotional transition in your favor. I know it happens even though dad's are hard asses. I'm a 70 year old "dad" my male kids were a total nightmare, they thought it was me, I knew it was them. It took some time for me to lighten up and realize that no, I will not be able to mold them in my image because they are their own unique individual persons. Yeah, dad's sometimes have stone-like hearts, but blood doesn't run through stones and stones don't beat, eventually they soften up.
Shannon, I'm so sorry that you had to hear such fear based abuse coming from the person who is supposed to love unconditionally. I think you handled yourself brilliantly and I know that you will grow up to be a wise woman.
When my parents caught me in a skirt, not even developed enough to realize I was trans, they didn't talk to me for 2 years. The abandonment hurt me deeply and it took a lot of work and awkward conversations to reconnect in any meaningful way but it can happen.
Things will get better.
Quote from: Shannon1979 on April 09, 2013, 03:28:39 PM
we have agreed that when they finally meet me as Shannon ( they live 200 miles away so not as simple as going next door) i will have gone full time. That way there is less chance of causing them confusion.
i kind of disagree there. kids are often a lot more intelligent than adults can remember having been at that age, and easily pick up on any awkwardness. so even if you only show up again when you're full time, they might still be confused by the way it's not talked about. my personal belief is that the kids will accept your transition as a natural thing that some people do, as long as the adults around them (mostly the parents) treat it as such.
kids can even accept magic as something real, if you say a witch cast a spell upon you before you were born so that you became a boy instead of a girl, they'll easily understand why you'd want to do everything in your power to find a medicine that can make you into the beautiful princess that you were meant to be. as they grow older, they'll realize the magic part of it was a lie, but your reasons will stick as genuine still. use this opportunity to teach some kids a little bit of open mindedness if you can make your sister understand this.
Quote from: Taka on April 11, 2013, 02:38:56 PM
i kind of disagree there. kids are often a lot more intelligent than adults can remember having been at that age, and easily pick up on any awkwardness. so even if you only show up again when you're full time, they might still be confused by the way it's not talked about. my personal belief is that the kids will accept your transition as a natural thing that some people do, as long as the adults around them (mostly the parents) treat it as such.
kids can even accept magic as something real, if you say a witch cast a spell upon you before you were born so that you became a boy instead of a girl, they'll easily understand why you'd want to do everything in your power to find a medicine that can make you into the beautiful princess that you were meant to be. as they grow older, they'll realize the magic part of it was a lie, but your reasons will stick as genuine still. use this opportunity to teach some kids a little bit of open mindedness if you can make your sister understand this.
I like that idea. I allways wanted to be princess Belle from beauty and the beast. And being that she is my neices favorite as well, that should go down a storm with her.
I dont think i explained properly though. i dont mean i wont see them untill i go full time. i will explain it to them beforehand, I just mean that when they do meet me as Shannon i will remain Shannon to them from that point on. :angel:
i see, that should work. but don't be too strict with yourself there. you don't need to be a perfect girl for the kids to accept you, and even before going fulltime, it might be interesting for the kids to see your male version acting more feminine and striving to become your real self. gradual probably works much better than sudden for kids when it comes to changes. let them witness parts of your transformation from yourself in one shape to your same self in another shape, so that it's easier for them to recognize you as the same person
Shannon,
Just be yourself no matter what. Try & explain that change of gender is not a change of the person they knew & loved. You still love them (all family & friends) & hope they continue love you, Shannon.
Quote from: Taka on April 12, 2013, 05:35:12 AM
i see, that should work. but don't be too strict with yourself there. you don't need to be a perfect girl for the kids to accept you, and even before going fulltime, it might be interesting for the kids to see your male version acting more feminine and striving to become your real self. gradual probably works much better than sudden for kids when it comes to changes. let them witness parts of your transformation from yourself in one shape to your same self in another shape, so that it's easier for them to recognize you as the same person
Good plan, I think that approach works with other adults and significant others as well. After all adults are really just grown kids!
Good look with your dad. Whenever an important person doesn't want to accept it it's best to just take the high road and give them time. They'll likely come around and even if they don't you still deserve to be yourself and be happy.
I'll echo what's been said about kids - they're the easiest to come out to. They have questions and assumptions that can be very hurtful but they listen and accept things pretty well. Their bluntness is as good as it is difficult.