ive got to tell this girl im trans. i really should have told her yesterday but i didnt know how. i want to play it off as not a huge deal because it isnt that big of a deal. she knows i had a female name and its now legally changed to parker, she could know more. so could you guys help me im really bad at talking about trans stuff in a way humans can understand. i prefer to treat it as a clinical medical condition that the development of my brain is the opposite of that of my body. i just dont know ho to bring it up or put it out there without being super nervous and confusing her
Well, the fact that she knows you used to have a female name that had to be legally changed actually works to your advantage here. You could always say "so, I'm not sure if you figured this out by my old name, but I was born in a female body. I'm now transitioning to male because I have always felt that I am a guy and not a girl."
Or something like that. I've never had to come out while fully passing, but I have come out a LOT before because my transition was delayed and I didn't pass. I found through most of my trial and error that simple is often the best. We feel like we need to explain it all, you know? But that usually ends up confusing people more, and sometimes I found I got more support just by saying "I'm changing my sex." Lol.
Edit: it's like a friend of mine who has diabetes and sometimes needs to give herself injections at meals. She used to explain to people "ok so I'm doing this injection because..." but she found it bothered people. So now, she just whips out the needle and does it without even telling people, lol. She told me that she found if you don't make a big deal about it, neither does anyone else. I think the same thing applies to being trans. Keep it simple, and no big deal. As long as they respect your pronouns and comfort levels then I think all is well.
I'm kind of with Caleb here. She already knows you used to have a female name and hasn't made an issue out of it or questioned you about it. So agreed that it works in your favour.
I'd just start out with a simple question like 'Just to be clear, you're comfortable with my being trans, aren't you?' I'd be quite flippant about it because hopefully you're going to get 'Sure' or 'It's okay' or something similar back.
I'm another one for simplicity and keeping stuff simple. I found that almost consistently going into details and long speeches tends to work against you.
It's good to check sometimes because being trans is off radar to some people and even if they have noticed something odd they might not have put their finger on it.
But usually no reaction is still a reaction and most often a positive one.
I also agree. Say something like "You know I used to have a female name..." and then pause to see if she brings up the topic of trans first. If she doesn't then you can follow up with, "I was born with a female body but I've always been male up here."
If it makes you too uncomfortable, don't tell her. You don't have to and you don't owe an explanation to anyone.
If you actually want to tell her then maybe you could just be like "I've got to tell you something. I have this medical condition that caused me to be born a male in a female body"
I hate saying I was female, because I really wasn't. What I say is: when I was born, they thought I was a girl, but they were wrong. And then go from there.
Jay
Quote from: mangoslayer on April 07, 2013, 10:02:28 PM
If it makes you too uncomfortable, don't tell her. You don't have to and you don't owe an explanation to anyone.
If you actually want to tell her then maybe you could just be like "I've got to tell you something. I have this medical condition that caused me to be born a male in a female body"
i kinda have to. we are best friends and we have been making out and such. so i feel like i cant lie to her. even though its only a lie of omission.
You: ''Hey so I have to tell you something.''
Her: ''Yeah? What's wrong?''
You: ''Well I was born with a medical condition, um more specifically transsexualism.
Hope you don't mind.'' *smile and maybe shyly giggle.*
If you want her too see it for what it is, a medical condition; Make sure you specify that.
Too many people think it's connected to drag, cross-dressing and stuff.
Good luck!
Quote from: anibioman on April 09, 2013, 07:58:09 PM
i kinda have to. we are best friends and we have been making out and such. so i feel like i cant lie to her. even though its only a lie of omission.
How is it a lie though? its totally your decision to tell her or not, but being a guy and saying youre a guy isnt a lie.
Not a lie to say you're a guy, but leaving out the truth will her her.
If you are pre-bottom I think you have to be up front with her. I don't think you need to tell her everything if you have had bottom done, but you need to at least tell her something so it doesn't kill her emotionally later on.
Hey man,
If its the same girl as before, she's probably already guessed by now and is cool with it. If you don't think she knows then I think you need to tell her, it will save a lot of hurt down the line. If you act like it's a big deal, she'll think it's a big deal. If you sound calm and like it's you telling her something as simple as you have brown hair or whatever, then more than likely she won't think it's a big deal.
All the best.
Quote from: Nicole on April 09, 2013, 08:48:29 PM
Not a lie to say you're a guy, but leaving out the truth will her her.
If you are pre-bottom I think you have to be up front with her. I don't think you need to tell her everything if you have had bottom done, but you need to at least tell her something so it doesn't kill her emotionally later on.
It's leaving out truth that is not necessary for her to know. You wouldn't expect someone to tell their partner that they have diabetes, would you? Sure it probably will come up eventually when things get really serious but until then and until you want to and are ready to you don't have to.
To say that someone trans needs to disclose is to insinuate that there is something wrong with them or they arent real men/women. If the partner gets hurt by that then that is their own issue. It's not lying. We do not owe anyone an explanation.
If he is pre-op and they want to have sex, she'll find out unless he is very skillful at keeping it hidden.
If he is post-op, I look at it like this.
I haven't told a single guy, I don't plan on ever telling one. but I do let them know I can't have kids.
However, you're dealing with a female here. what hurts us is not the cheating, its the lying. He needs to be up-front I feel.
BTW, not saying he's cheating at all, just feel that he needs to be up-front
Why are you guys telling him he doesn't have to tell her?
I think he's smart enough to know he doesn't have to tell anyone anything.
The question was HOW to tell her not IF
He already made the decision to tell her.
Saying he's a guy isn't the lie obviously.
What's bothering him is not being honest about his medical situation.
Some of us were raised to be honest and open with our family and romantic partner(s).
It's all up to the individual and your belief.
And yes, I would tell my parents I have diabetes.
I would get pushed down the stairs if I wasn't honest with them. lol
@Nicole: Kinda sexist of you to think that men aren't effected by dishonesty and that women don't need to be up-front with their
boyfriends but that men need to be up-front with their girlfriends. I'm sure I'm not the only one that noticed that in your
comment.
Quote from: Jayr on April 09, 2013, 10:46:45 PM
@Nicole: Kinda sexist of you to think that men aren't effected by dishonesty and that women don't need to be up-front with their
boyfriends but that men need to be up-front with their girlfriends. I'm sure I'm not the only one that noticed that in your
comment.
I think it came out a lot more sexist than what I meant.
For women its more emotional, I'll end it with a guy once there is a lie, I hate it and cannot forgive it.
Guys however, from what I can tell and I may be very wrong seem to be able to move past the lie a lot easier.
We all need to be up-front enough to allow them to know that we can't do some things, ie. kids.
Quote from: Nicole on April 09, 2013, 11:20:32 PM
I think it came out a lot more sexist than what I meant.
For women its more emotional, I'll end it with a guy once there is a lie, I hate it and cannot forgive it.
Guys however, from what I can tell and I may be very wrong seem to be able to move past the lie a lot easier.
We all need to be up-front enough to allow them to know that we can't do some things, ie. kids.
I think you should read this, I was surprised myself:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/kevintang/8-studies-that-debunk-male-stereotypes (http://www.buzzfeed.com/kevintang/8-studies-that-debunk-male-stereotypes)
Quote from: Nicole on April 09, 2013, 10:27:17 PM
I haven't told a single guy, I don't plan on ever telling one. but I do let them know I can't have kids.
However, you're dealing with a female here. what hurts us is not the cheating, its the lying. He needs to be up-front I feel.
Be careful, what people do in their own lives is their own business. However, situations like that can get nasty really quick. I don't see how someone expects to eventually fall in love and spend their lives with someone and not disclose such an important part of their life. One fib leads to another. What about family? What about old friends? I know there are ways to start new in a new town but questions will arise. Eventually you will be living your life revolving a white lie.
I am stealth but have always been open with gf's. Why not, if they can't accept that then they don't want me. They are wanting an idea of who they think I am. Yes, I am a guy but I have a past. A past that I'm not ashamed of. I tell on a need to know basis. When you hide something it makes it look like it is wrong.
QuoteGuys however, from what I can tell and I may be very wrong seem to be able to move past the lie a lot easier.
How about you leave gender out of it and just say some PEOPLE. Men do not move past things easier. Some men hide things and struggle with it privately. Some men are very vocal. Still others are devastated when people are dishonest with them.
Some women are snotty and rude, and some are not. I'm not going to sit here and say 'women seem to be snotty a lot easier than men.' This wasn't a comment toward your personality, it's an example. Fact is gender has nothing to do with how snotty someone is or how easy the find it to behave that way.