This is the first post I've made for a long time on here (sorry).
Anyway, I find myself sometimes thinking "Am I really sure I want to do this, is this the right path for me?". Sometimes I think that I might be able to deal with just being a really feminine boy and not taking hormones to go further. I wonder if my sensitive nature and like of pink and purple are just part of who I am and not in any way attributed to being female.
Maybe I'm indecisive or just too comfortable in my current feelings. I find it hard to tell the difference sometimes between what I feel as a person and how I should logically react to it. I wonder how much of who I want to be is shaped by social constructs and if they didn't exist would I accept myself as being what society calls "feminine".
So I have a question for you guys, whether you've transitioned are not. Are you 100% sure of who you are in regards to gender?
Sorry if this is confusing, I have trouble expressing myself in words.
This is not confusing. But we don't transition because we're sensitive or because we like girly things. Those are cultural stereotypes and gender norms that as you mentioned are constructs, they change cross culturally and through time. We transition because our gender is inadequately represented through our bodies, because we're not men, because we have a sense of disconnect between body and mind. There are no rules for transition, you go where you need to go with it. And I know people who would have killed themselves if they didn't transition but I also know people who could have stayed men but didn't want to. Transition is huge and serious and depending on what tools you use to transition, it can be permanent. Hormones and surgery don't define us but they are classic and effective tools for us. Undergoing this process is not easy and it will change your life in every way. Because of that, most who transition need to and are grateful for it even though its hard. You need to delve within to see how you need to live in this world. Don't transition because you're feminine, that isn't what this is about. If you don't need to live as a woman I highly doubt you'll transition, it's a lifetime of complications that would only seem acceptable to someone who used to be trapped in the wrong Everything. Transition is beautiful and easy in other ways, I have no qualms with it. I'm so grateful to be trans because before I realized that I was trans I had no solution for a massive problem that defined my life. Don't be scared, just vs honest and patient, you'll figure it out.
In my time of hovering around the boards... which hasn't been for more than a handful of days now.... I seem to see this sort of.. doubt pop up here and there. I've also seen it in the googling I've done regarding being transgender.
This sort of feeling or self questioning seems to be normal for us. Like we aren't 100% certain, but we seem to know well enough to say, "I'm not of societal norms" and... in an essence come out, or express ourselves as the opposite gender than we were born, or see a specialist for Gender Dysphoria. The point is this is normal.
You have to look inside yourself for the answer on this one. Can you live the rest of your life as the sex you were born and still be pretty happy with everything, or do you think the rest of your life will be spent battling with how you really feel inside and what you are on the outside. Do you want to make a physical change, or would you rather just be part time and occasionally wear feminine clothes?
These are the questions you must seriously think about. Only you can answer them. But I can tell you that you are not alone in feeling the way you currently do. I myself have wondered off and on if I'm just grabbing at straws, delusional, or if I really do feel like a guy. In the end I know I do feel male, and eventually, when the time is right, I want to make a transition.
I wish you luck in the quest for finding these answers though.
I know that if I don't start HRT I will have to live with myself forever knowing that I came this close but didn't do it. I would have fewer regrets if I decide transitioning isn't for me and stop at some point in the future.
Absolutism is a dangerous thing.
I am never 100% about anything.
Life has taught me nothing is impossible.
There has been several moments in my life, I might have zigged instead of zagged.
Would I have preferred the other course? Well that is the thing with being human eh, we travel through time in a line and you ain't going back.
I made my choice to accept myself.
I'll reiterate what everyone else said and agree that having doubts is not uncommon. Still, I think it is always important to sort out what you want before you proceed. Transitioning is a difficult path and one that I'd avoid if I didn't feel it was necessary or something I could avoid without sacrificing my happiness.
In my case, I am certain of who I am and don't believe I could be happy living as a feminine man. There is nothing wrong with living as a fem guy, but that isn't my path. I see myself as a female and wish to live as one. However, there is no rule that says this is the path that everyone else must face.
So, if you feel happy about living as an androgynous male, there is no problem with that. Not everyone needs to transition or begin hrt. Just be yourself and enjoy the ride. Besides, if you discover that you do identify as a women and need to transition, that path is still available to you in the future. But, you will be giving yourself the time you need to discover your identity. Self acceptance and awareness are the most important steps in this process. I was going to transition a few years ago, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to go forward. As a result, I went through a weird denial phase and couldn't go through everything. While I am sad I didn't as young as I could (even though I'm still relatively young), I am glad I got the confidence and self acceptance that I needed to go through. Therefore, take my word and enjoy the ride. Eventually it will come to you and you'll know what to do. That is always the most important first step.
First off, i can tell you are a smart person to think the way you do. So in time it will come to you, or you can always go for help with a therapist. It couldn't hurt.
Yes, I'm 100% sure. How i know, well I've always acted to be seen as a tough guy, erasing any doubts someone may have about me. I've also never wanted to be trans, i wanted to be a girl.
But with time i didn't had any choice to have a real life. At some point the lying to ones self becomes to much and you'll reach a realization you can avoid anymore.
The one true reason i realized who i was without a doubt, was when i tried dancing as a girl the first time. I was 16 at the time. And as a boy i couldn't dance, i was always copying badly from others. But as a girl, creativity started flowing, and i can dance out of my heart better then most girls. When this happened, I cried out of sheer joy. The first time in my life that i felt my heart truly open and flowing creativity out of me.
Emotions will guide you, not your mind.
With love
Quote from: TheMultipleOne on April 22, 2013, 05:29:56 AM
My only issue is that I keep thinking:
"Many people already don't like me and I have a hard enough life... do I really want to make it even harder?"
I know what I want and need for the most part but I am worried about the social consequences.
I have to say, these two points here probably sum it up for a great many of us.
Quote from: TheMultipleOne on April 22, 2013, 05:29:56 AM
My only issue is that I keep thinking:
"Many people already don't like me and I have a hard enough life... do I really want to make it even harder?"
I know what I want and need for the most part but I am worried about the social consequences.
Well i sure get it, i've been there too. But now I don't care anymore what others might say or do. I wanna be happy, it's my life, my rules.
Are you going to do what you want, or what others want/expect of you?
Isn't life as a male harder? The constant lying to ones self? Eventually it's going to catch up. When it does believe me it's tough, nearly died.
This is not to scare you but to give you a realization of what could happen, now everybody's different, and i hope you make the the choice that's right for you. What ever it may be.
With love
The best I can say for the "People already don't like me" part is... if they don't that's their loss. You don't need negativity in your life, and you shouldn't feel the need to bend over backwards to please everyone else. I have been there, it's just more misery waiting for you around the corner.
My rule of thumb: If they put conditions on you for friendship, or any other form of relationship, they aren't worth keeping around.
If they cannot enjoy you for you, then they just aren't worth the effort and they don't truly care about you. You need to find people to surround yourself with that can give you support, joy, and people you can share your life with comfortably. It takes time, trust me, but once you find those people they will be your friend for life, no matter what you decide to do as far as transitioning goes. They will still love you for you, and not what you look like or do to change what you look like.
You must keep a smile on your face, and keep trucking forward, even if the day at hand sucks. It's the only way to get through life sometimes. Just don't give up.
Quote from: TheMultipleOne on April 22, 2013, 05:29:56 AM
My only issue is that I keep thinking:
"Many people already don't like me and I have a hard enough life... do I really want to make it even harder?"
I know what I want and need for the most part but I am worried about the social consequences.
My response here is that I would much rather be hated for who I really am than admired as someone I'm not, never was and never will be.
But that's just me.
Quote from: StellaB on April 22, 2013, 07:40:37 AM
My response here is that I would much rather be hated for who I really am than admired as someone I'm not, never was and never will be.
But that's just me.
I think that is the healthy way of looking at it, but I have a hard time shrugging off others perception of me. As people, we are programmed to care about how others feel. Sometimes, that leads us to unhealthy acts of neglecting our own desires. Yet, even when we do stray from the pack, there is always that desire to fit in somewhere and someplace. I am working on getting over it all and won't let it prevent me from living as myself, but I'll always secretly desire the approval of others. I think it is just part of being human though.
I guess for myself I know for sure because the decision to transition just seemed so simple and so beautiful when I thought of how great my life would be after a year or so on hormones. When I figured out how to do it and finally had the means to do it, it was like living in a black and white world that suddenly became painted with bright colors. Like a giant weight had been lifted off me. Sometimes i worry about being unpassable but in a couple months and after laser I will pass fine so I'm not really worried. So doubt can be pretty normal. But the way I see it, if you are willing to take hormones and to actually transition and deal with all that entails, in all likelihood you are trans.
I'm sure because the fear went away. Before, I was split between wanting to be New Me, and wanting to remain Proper Male Me. After, the latter vanished - only one desire left - and I realize it may never have truly existed at all.
Sure, I sometimes have doubts. But they're weak and transitory things - Can I do this, not should I do this. The question of "If" has vanished from my mind.
But I did have to get here. The journey to first answering "Yes" to that question was a hard one, and taken in the dark. I did not know until I *knew*, but now I do.
Quote from: TheMultipleOne on April 22, 2013, 05:29:56 AM
My only issue is that I keep thinking:
"Many people already don't like me and I have a hard enough life... do I really want to make it even harder?"
I know what I want and need for the most part but I am worried about the social consequences.
This is exactly how I feel.
Why I hesitate, and why I have no small amount of anxiety and fear surrounding the idea of transitioning has nothing to do with how I percive myself. I know I am a woman. I know I would be thrilled for everyone else in my life to acknowledge me as such. I know transitioning would make me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I know this is what I am, and that this by itself does not bother me in any way.
It's the fear of how other people will react when I do that gets to me. Will I lose my job? Family? Friends? My home? My daughter? Will I be able to have a successful career? Will my wife leave me? What do I do if someone reacts violently toward me? On and on and on . . .
Society is my greatest fear when it comes to transition. But I don't fear my own thoughts and feelings on the matter. There's very little uncertanty when it comes to how I feel and think about myself.
All of my worries have to do with how others will treat me and how they will react when I finaly do it.
Quote from: ZoeM on April 22, 2013, 05:31:21 PM
Sure, I sometimes have doubts. But they're weak and transitory things - Can I do this, not should I do this. The question of "If" has vanished from my mind.
You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the exact same way.
lightvi,
Well i am FTM and i have a LOT of doubts about transitioning. So i can relate to you. I mean, i KNOW i am a guy and i've known this for all my life, since i was like 3-4 years old. I have all the classical transgender "symptoms" like body dysphoria (i really hate my female body), i like dressing like a man and woman's clothes feel alien to me, i want to act like a man in all situations. BUT i still have doubts.
I mean, yes, i know i am a man and i have no doubts about it. But i have doubts about taking hormones or having a top surgery. I know this will be really really hard because EVERYTHING will be different. My social role, the way people see me, the things they expect from me, etc. I have always been a man on the inside but on the outside i have always been a woman. So speaking about social aspects i don't really know how to live my life as a man, i have never tried it. Wearing man's clothes and presenting yourself as a female is one thing, having to go through a transition and presenting yourself as a man is another thing.
I am a very shy person and when i am wearing man's clothes i can't help but think all the time "Everyone is staring at me! They are questioning my gender. I think they know i am a female and they think i am really crazy because i am wearing man's clothes". I can get really paranoid about this.
Anyway, speaking about transition, i think this would be really hard for me. I still haven't decided if i want to start taking T or not. I want a top surgery but i don't have the money right now and even if i had the money i would have to do a lot of thinking before taking this step. Because i won't be able to change anything once i do it. But my breasts are the cause of a major dysphoria to me.
Taking hormones is another thing. The fact that i have no facial hair or that my voice is relatively high doesn't cause any dysphoria to me. So that's why i don't know what to do. I think taking hormones would make me feel like a real freak. It would make me feel like a wannabe, someone who wants to be a man but still has a female body. This is just my opinion and that's the way i feel. Probably i am not ready yet.