A few months ago I got an email from someone who saw my personal ad (which states that I am transgender) and he responded very earnestly, deeply, and intelligently. I was very impressed by his maturity - and subsequently shocked to find out he was younger than me. Age is just a number, I suppose. Anyway, he is straight and never been with a trans woman before - but told me right from the start he sees me as any other woman, and he does not discriminate. Amazing. So we have been dating for a few months, and for a while it was incredible...just both enamored with one another...I won't get into details as I care very much for him and respect him and don't want to be rude sharing our personal business - but the relationship has been evolving and its been great. Unfortunately he decided to tell his Mother that I am trans, and she freaked out. On top of that she told his Dad, and he got into a screaming fight with my "bf" about it...since then things have been really different. We have really talked about it openly, and he wants to keep seeing me but he feels overwhelmed by his own life, the relationship itself, and this drama with his parents and me being trans...I am disappointed but we are still talking on a daily basis...I just don't know where it will go from here. He lives with his parents and is entirely dependent upon them. They are NOT ok with me in anyway, and while it is true he is an adult and makes his own decisions - it is also true that going against his parents on this will probably be a big deal, I would imagine. He apologized profusely for telling his mom without asking me if it was ok...he had not considered it at the time - and only in retrospect did he realize it was not his place to just tell her. I understood, but I do wish he had not told them, as does he. They did not need to know - certainly not now. I feel like I lost something amazing and really special, because of the horrible problematic way people respond to my very existence. I really care for this guy, and I know he cares for me...but I don't know if the relationship can survive this, especially since its so new. We were really moving quickly, and now its just very unclear. I feel lonely and sad...I miss him but I am trying to give him space...any advice would be helpful...x
That is very sad and I do feel for you.
I have to admit that I find his behaviour extremely strange and a little frightening. To me it appears very odd that he wishes to share intimate details of his girlfriend with his parents. Ignore being trans for now, he appears willing to share intimate details of your relationship full stop. Would he be willing to talk about what sexual pleasures you may share, your anatomical details, what you may have shared with him? All of this appears to me to be much the same break of intimate trust, and trust is the key to a relationship as you know.
Sadly I think he is too immature for a fulfilling relationship and I would caution you to be careful that you do not get hurt further by just letting this stuff go bye. I realise it is also a strain upon him, and he must (I hope) be feeling awful for breaking such a trust, but is he feeling awful because he broke the trust you had in him; or because he has lost his girlfriend and the pleasure the relationship was giving him, and has 'lowered' himself in the eyes of his parents, so he feels sorry for himself?
Please take care of your self and your feelings, you are a special woman and you deserve the love and care of a man who loves you for being you.
Hugs
Cindy
Sorry, Di, but a guy living with his parents is going to be somewhat controlled, and not totally free to make his own decisions.
Maybe in time he will get out from under their thumbs.
I feel for you. It really seems that you found someone truly special.
I kind of disagree with Cindy in that he is too immature and that you shouldn't continue the relationship further.
I feel that he is just a very special person, for whom the trans suffix didn't mean a thing. Unfortunately because of that he probably didn't realize that for a lot of people, it means a lot.
I can't really blame such a person, no matter how much I would like to. Yes he shouldn't have told his parents, but from your text it just seems, that for him it doesn't mean a thing.
I don't think he is the jerk here, it's the parents.
Hugs!
Since it has only been a few months for now, it would be easier to dissolve it now than to allow it to continue. It am not sure if I would ever agree to the parents' reaction, but he must have some trust or love for his parents to even tell them such details to them about you.
In any case, he seems still quite young that he may not have realised his mistake. I suppose it wouldn't be harmful or hurtful to see what happens, but since he's still a dependant on his parents... I dunno. :-\
When my boyfriend told his mother about my status, he was determined that if his mother loved him enough, she would keep the relationship going anyways. It seems okay so far, and I really don't think the rest of the family members know!
Because it's your personal medical history, NO one has the right to divulge of your details without your permission. It's simply my own personal thing, no matter if I don't pass or my voice is too low, or whatever.
In terms of the guy, I really hope that things work out for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts tonight.
Had a similar experience in college. Nothing to do with Trans - my girlfriend's parents just decided they didn't like me and put pressure on her to break up. She told them she had but kept seeing me, but then they found out and there was a big hassle between them.
In the end, if she wasn't going to stand up to her parents, there wasn't going to be any future.
Best to know that now rather than further down the road.
There's plenty more where he came from.
wow thank you for all the responses! Honestly his decision to tell his Mom impressed me in some ways, because he wasn't ashamed of it - he was willing to share that with his family. Of course in many other ways it upset me because it is my business as you all have said. He knows that, and he appologized wihtout me having to bring it up, he just realized too late. He is indeed one special person who looks beyond the prefix, and in many other ways he is special and thus I care for him deeply. He has asked me to give him time, that nothing is over yet...but I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, and though he contacts me everyday, if we don't see eachother soon I will need to end things in order to prserve my sanity. I can be patient with him, but I also have needs...
Oh girl....
That is one awfull place to be in...same thing happened to me
As a teen...
Go to bed and cry it out
I would be mad if he DIDN'T tell his parents.
I don't want someone dating me to be ashamed or "down low".
I'm proudly and openly trans, anyone who associates with me better be openly and proudly in support of trans people (or, if not, they better not say a word of negativity, but they won't be someone I'm around often).
I just don't have the patience to be walking on egg shells my entire life with everyone I know. Yea, I'm trans, great, lets get it out into the open as early as possible so they can get over it sooner and we can go on with normal life. If that causes all sorts of drama with the people they know? Lol, I don't have time for that.
Sometimes you have to lie to live. If I was him I would lie and say we broke up and just keep seeing you until he moves out. I know it sounds bad but it works and gives his parents time to calm down and look back and reflect on there actions
Quote from: Cindy. on April 22, 2013, 01:51:52 AM
That is very sad and I do feel for you.
I have to admit that I find his behaviour extremely strange and a little frightening. To me it appears very odd that he wishes to share intimate details of his girlfriend with his parents. Ignore being trans for now, he appears willing to share intimate details of your relationship full stop. Would he be willing to talk about what sexual pleasures you may share, your anatomical details, what you may have shared with him? All of this appears to me to be much the same break of intimate trust, and trust is the key to a relationship as you know.
Sadly I think he is too immature for a fulfilling relationship and I would caution you to be careful that you do not get hurt further by just letting this stuff go bye. I realise it is also a strain upon him, and he must (I hope) be feeling awful for breaking such a trust, but is he feeling awful because he broke the trust you had in him; or because he has lost his girlfriend and the pleasure the relationship was giving him, and has 'lowered' himself in the eyes of his parents, so he feels sorry for himself?
Please take care of your self and your feelings, you are a special woman and you deserve the love and care of a man who loves you for being you.
Hugs
Cindy
Also take into consideration that some people are close to their parents and look at them not only as parents but friends... Close friends. My parents and me talk about everything together and the Family is very open and supportive. (I am aware that this is a rare thing, but it does happen nevertheless)
Every time I am in a relationship my mom and sister pulls me aside and ask for details... like frickan school girls... and when i get back from a date there all giggly and asking me what happened and wants to know everything...
not saying is parents are like that... but maybe he didn't know his mom wouldn't be understanding... I may just be playing "devils advocate" Here but I know things are almost never just black and white and So I always can see things from Lots of perspectives..
Relationships always tends to get into snags and Depending if we overcome them is upon fate. However i wish it all depended on Love...
As I am sure you do as well </3
Good Luck and I am hoping for the best... I Wish you To be Happy!
Quote from: Kathryn on April 22, 2013, 12:30:40 PM
Also take into consideration that some people are close to their parents and look at them not only as parents but friends... Close friends. My parents and me talk about everything together and the Family is very open and supportive. (I am aware that this is a rare thing, but it does happen nevertheless)
Every time I am in a relationship my mom and sister pulls me aside and ask for details... like frickan school girls... and when i get back from a date there all giggly and asking me what happened and wants to know everything...
not saying is parents are like that... but maybe he didn't know his mom wouldn't be understanding... I may just be playing "devils advocate" Here but I know things are almost never just black and white and So I always can see things from Lots of perspectives..
Relationships always tends to get into snags and Depending if we overcome them is upon fate. However i wish it all depended on Love...
As I am sure you do as well </3
Good Luck and I am hoping for the best... I Wish you To be Happy!
I agree with Kathryn here. I know many people who are close with their parents, so I don't think it was necessarily malicious. Honestly, he could have very well felt that he cares about you so much, that he wanted to share this special relationship with his family. And he may have thought that they would be okay as long as he is happy. Unfortunately, it seems he didn't think it through. He should have never of done this without your permission, but I don't think that it makes him a bad guy even if he did the wrong thing.
I am really sorry to here your situation. I can relate with your boyfriend living at home and not having freedom to do what he wants. Personally, I won't be able to start my transition until I have my own place and a job that will afford the rent here in NY (It is too damn high). As someone in their early twenties, I know how it feels to want to start your life but feel stuck due to circumstances that are currently beyond their control. I don't think that is necessarily a sign of immaturity, it is just tough out there and the economy is still stagnant in some respect.
If it is meant to be and he really wants this relationship, things will work out in the end. However, tell him how much you miss him and how you want to be together. Guys sometimes don't understand things until you just spit it out. Maybe that will give him some incentive to fix things or at least work on getting his own place.
I hope everything works out! :)
Quote from: Rabbit on April 22, 2013, 09:34:03 AM
I would be mad if he DIDN'T tell his parents.
Honestly, I don't know about that. Proud or not, is being trans relevant and important information? I don't think so. If somehow the question came into the discussion and he was asked about it, yeah, lying would be bad. But there's a big difference between hiding things and shouting irrelevant things on all roofs uselessly. Hiding that your boyfriend is Jewish is pretty bad in the discriminatory fears it implies, but it doesn't make it a logical decision, when talking about him, to say "oh, and he's Jewish". It's just not relevant information, just like being trans. Because illogical fixated positions (which are irrelevant as well) aside, it's not important or even slightly useful information to them. Apart, maybe, in the Jew's case, if there's a dinner and some food he won't eat, or something. And in life, especially if it's not about you, you just don't say every single useful and useless detail about someone.
Anyway, I hope his parents understand that they cannot possibly be against such a thing, because even if we go so far as to say it's okay for them to say being trans is gross (and that's going very far), gross has nothing to do with reprehensible. The same way homophobe-ish people who think gay sex is gross at the very least accept their homo relative even if they don't want to hear about the details, they're going to have to make at least that small, minimum step to accept that gross does not equal evil.
...Unless they're endoctrinated in silly religious beliefs, in which case they WILL think it's evil... and in which case I have little hope or esteem for them.
I really hope for the two of you that they know or learn the reasonable limits of parental authority. And if they could actually not hate you in the process, bonus points.
You care for the man..want him on you life? Tell him your doors are opne shallhe need a place to stay.....Is he in college? has a permanent job? How about you...can you support him?
Yeah, I know...I a nosie
I don't get the whole fuss of him telling or not your trans,
I understand maybe people prefern telling themself, but once in a while things can either slip cause you dont think, or he would be on this akward ballance on yet not wanting to lie or hide facts kind of situation.
I somethimes get this felling, I dont want to out others im close to but it can also gets very akward cause I dont want to make up lies about them either or give an impression of taboo. for the people around me its also diffrent whatever they out me or not, I must admit I prefern to tell myself im trans, but on the other hand I also try situations where people keep it as a secret and I end up felling like a taboo, thats not very cool either.
I hope the situations have been that he didnt want to lie cause he wasnt ashamed and then the parrents sadly have been not very accepting. whats to happent is not to say, I guess you just have to be carefull.
It's a sucky situation for sure that his parents reacted like that. It is good that he is still talking to you and he seems like a really genuine person. But then again not seeing someone for three weeks is kinda long, especially for a newish relationship. But I'm really needy and clingy emotionally so maybe it is fine. I would give it some time to see what happens but even if it doesn't work out, you'll find someone else soon enough. This is why I think having a close girlfriend is incredib;y important in transition. Someone you can trust and talk to. And just have fun with. Girlfriends are the new boyfriends lol but seriously, it really does help. It's helped me alot.
Yeah I care about him so much, but I am 5 years older than him, and while we are both young - he is just starting to think about his life and wherehe wnats to go, what he wants to do...I know who I am and he is just starting to figure it out. Anyway, I do need to see him - but I also understand that he needs time, and I do not want to pressure him right now...just trying to give him space. But I get the feeling that its all too complicated now, so I am very sad about it. I miss him, and I hate that we were getting so close and now he is so far away. Hes such a genuine, sensitive person and he was really slow and careful with me on everything - we had a full and honest dialogue about what we were feeling as things unfolded between us, and it just seems baffling to me that now its so different. He would tell me things like how happy he was to have found me, and stuff like that...now its like I don't know if I can call him or not because he might not answer...very different and totally upsetting!
Di,
I really feel for you and I hope things improve. However, I would be concerned if you feel you can't call him or communicate easily. If it is just his parents, than there are ways around everything. But, if he is cutting you out, I think that is unacceptable. I would tell him how you feel and see how he responds. You clearly want a relationship and want to make things right. Maybe he doesn't see that this is getting to you and he doesn't mean any harm. However, if he is going to distance himself in such a way where contacting him is hard, I think you can deserve better than that. I am really sorry and I hope things improve.
Have you considered meeting them to assuage their fears. They love their son and fear what they don't understand. You're beautiful, well spoken, and obviously, in love...why wouldn't they love you, too?
Ask to be introduced. If he says no, then it's over. Good luck.
Quote from: PrincessDi on April 22, 2013, 08:11:59 AM
wow thank you for all the responses! Honestly his decision to tell his Mom impressed me in some ways, because he wasn't ashamed of it - he was willing to share that with his family. Of course in many other ways it upset me because it is my business as you all have said. He knows that, and he appologized wihtout me having to bring it up, he just realized too late. He is indeed one special person who looks beyond the prefix, and in many other ways he is special and thus I care for him deeply. He has asked me to give him time, that nothing is over yet...but I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, and though he contacts me everyday, if we don't see eachother soon I will need to end things in order to prserve my sanity. I can be patient with him, but I also have needs...
You are so right. No boy would ever tell his parents that his girlfriend was transsexual unless he thought it was absolutely fine ... and expected his parents to see it the same way, or at least be understanding. I actually feel as sorry for him as I do for you, because he's suddenly been made to feel ashamed (or people are trying to make him feel ashamed, anyway) about something and someone he had taken pride and delight in.
I really hope you two can work it out.
::big hug::
It's gonna be ok - sooner or later things would get better.
It might be a good idea to meet his parents perhaps in a public place for dinner? A lot of parents are very protective of their kids and sometimes they can be so protective and controlling that they would do whatever it is they think is right for their child even if they are wrong about what they think is best for their kid.
You would need to remember that while it does hurt and the way they have reacted is wrong - it's not personal.
It would be upto him and you to convince them things are going to be ok. Although it would be completely upto him if he can stand up to his parents. If he does and if you really do love him then you would need to support him. And if he dependant on them - they might play the "throwing the kid out of the house" card which a lot of parents seem to use these days.
::big hug::
Quote from: PrincessDi on April 22, 2013, 06:47:01 PM
Yeah I care about him so much, but I am 5 years older than him, and while we are both young - he is just starting to think about his life and wherehe wnats to go, what he wants to do...I know who I am and he is just starting to figure it out. Anyway, I do need to see him - but I also understand that he needs time, and I do not want to pressure him right now...just trying to give him space. But I get the feeling that its all too complicated now, so I am very sad about it. I miss him, and I hate that we were getting so close and now he is so far away. Hes such a genuine, sensitive person and he was really slow and careful with me on everything - we had a full and honest dialogue about what we were feeling as things unfolded between us, and it just seems baffling to me that now its so different. He would tell me things like how happy he was to have found me, and stuff like that...now its like I don't know if I can call him or not because he might not answer...very different and totally upsetting!
Going back to how he told his mother, I had to become really young in my mind once again and remember how I felt when I fell in love with a pretty girl long ago (now my wife) and it occurred to me how natural it would be to share everything about her with my mom who I love and have trusted since I was born. I would be so excited and want her to know how thrilled I was with my girlfriend and if she was a little different or had some sort of abnormality it probably would not occur to me to conceal it from her unless I was embarrassed about that aspect. If my mom and dad had reacted that way about her I would feel personally threatened by their reaction and feel a sense of personal angst that they were like that when I had thought otherwise. I would feel a need to cool my jets for awhile and wait for them to get over it before resuming my affair with this beautiful creature.
Princess, I hope that you will consider this as the probable way things have unfolded for him and take each day in stride because he will resurface once again, it's bound to happen. More than likely he's having to be a little more circumspect when it comes to sharing with his parents. Eventually he'll be on his own and not dependent on their approval, and if he's for real, which I suspect he is albeit a bit naive when it comes to parents, he will be your guy.
I had this similar problem with a previous boyfriend, his mom found out and hated my guts till the very end so I can understand your pain.
My current boyfriend has not told his parents and probably never will.. I talked to him about it in the beginning that if we were to date I wouldn't want his parents to know.. It's not lying but it's something personal that shouldn't really have to be told.
In conclusion my advice is to try work it out and see each other on the side, sit down with his parents and have a talk (mother first), or call it quits and make sure to lay down the law and make it clear with your next potential lover. Personally Id go with see him on the side until he is less dependent on his parents and can do as he wishes without their opinion holding much weight. :)
This might not be what you want to hear but here it goes. Your boyfriend is an adult. He lives with his family right now, not that it matters much but your BF is an adult. Adulthood meaning that he is free to make his own decisions from what job or career field to go into, what he wants to eat for dinner, even if it is a gallon of icecream and free to decide who he wants to love.
I know it hurts but if I were you girl, I would run from him so fast that I would be testing Einstiens's theories about the speed of light and time slowing down. The reason being is that if they are controlling this aspect of his life and he is allowing it to happen, then what does the future hold for the two of you and who will he choose sides with when something comes down the road later. I know this from experience.
I would give him an ultimatum and tell him to reach between his legs and grab his balls (old military saying) and decide for himself if he wants to be with you in a relationship and living his own life. Or controlled by "mommy and daddy" for the rest of his life. He can make his own way and get out from under their roof, even if he has to work two mediocre jobs. Of course you can allow him a certain amount of time to decide, but, in my opinion, it's not really fair to you to sit and wait, hoping that he picks you over the parents. Personally, I wouldn't even put myself through that becasue it's emotionally draining.
There are more guys out there that will not see the trans prefix. In your avatar you are attractive trans or not and there are many and getting to be more and more open-minded people that will find you attractive and blind to the prefix. Don't waste you life waiting on something that may never come to pass. If you like the guy wait for him to decide what he wants but keep looking just in case that doesn't come to fruitition. Really, who knows what is down the pike for you and when you least expect it, that is when you will meet that special someone perfect for you.
Either way it goes, good luck I wish the best for you no matter what the outcome.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 03, 2013, 01:41:27 PM
This might not be what you want to hear but here it goes. Your boyfriend is an adult. He lives with his family right now, not that it matters much but your BF is an adult. Adulthood meaning that he is free to make his own decisions from what job or career field to go into, what he wants to eat for dinner, even if it is a gallon of icecream and free to decide who he wants to love.
You have a point there Jess, but I hope she cuts him some slack before dumping him completely. There are a lot of adults stuck with living back with mom and pop these days because of this crappy economy. I'm a romantic optimist about this, I'd like to see this story end with the Princess getting her Prince as it should be.
Quote from: Shantel on May 03, 2013, 03:59:38 PM
You have a point there Jess, but I hope she cuts him some slack before dumping him completely. There are a lot of adults stuck with living back with mom and pop these days because of this crappy economy. I'm a romantic optimist about this, I'd like to see this story end with the Princess getting her Prince as it should be.
Yeah Shantel, unfortunately the economy is a kick in the butt. I have no problem with adult children leaning on their parents but I do have a problem with the parents controlling those adult children when all they really need is a roof over their heads or helping hand. After all the child phase has done come and gone and I don't buy the whole, "You live under my roof, you will follow my rules." after the age of 17.
This is my whole deal in a nutshell; If I had to move back in with my parents and I cared for someone, trans or not, but the parents didn't agree with it, tough. Wal Mart sells tents and other camping equipment quite cheap and I would have no problem at all living among nature.
I too am a romantic optimist but more on the dark side like Romeo and Juliette. :o
I'm really sorry to hear about all of that Diana :(
But this is just a short while in comparison to how much time you'll have to be with him later on, if you can be patient and forgiving with him.