I don't even like posting this but lately my mom has been really pushing my buttons and making me feel like a monster. She literally says very negative things like "You don't look right" or "I hate looking at you" "stop dressing this way you look like a freak." She tried calling me Princess to make me feel bad but that just made me smirk so she didn't say it again. And the thing is I don't really dress that femme at all. I would bet all my money that there are metrosexuals that wear more makeup then me. But it's like if I do anything she comments on it. And it really bothers me to the point that I'm starting to believe her and that any confidence I might have gained about being able to pass someday is rapidly evaporating. And that confidence is the only thing that gave me the courage to transition. Also, I'm having horrible nightmares.
For the last week or so, Ive woken up almost every night because in my dream I'm being chased by this weird monster. It changes every night. Last night, it was like that flying demon from Jeepers Creepers. I couldn't even wake up and I had to be chased around in my dream by this thing and it was incredibly lucid, surreal, and terrifying. I don't even want to go to sleep and I stay up all night and it's hurting my work. I'm assuming the nightmares are somehow tied to the way she is making me feel as this wasn't happening before she started saying and acting this way. I mean other people have said things about how I look now but they only say stuff like "how come you're look so much like a girl" or say I look too pretty. Whatever that means. But obviously that doesn't bother me so much. In fact, it had probably helped where she has only caused doubt and hurt.
I guess I should consider the source since this is the same woman who I got into an argument over about being small. She literally told me to stop saying I'm 5'6 because I'm much taller and bigger. AND I"M NOT. In fact, I'm prob smaller then 5'6 if I'm not standing up straight. It was truly bizarre because I look small. I was in the hospital a year and a half ago and I told the two nurses I was 5'8 and they literally laughed at me and told me to try again. They said if I was going to lie about my height to say something people believe. So I know it's not some weird illusion where someone looks bigger then they are. She is in denial.
Sorry for dumping all this here I just don't know where to turn and I need to get it off my chest. If I don't I'm going to end up being forced back into hiding and detransitioning and who knows when I'll try again if ever if that happens. And i really don't even want to think about it. It's out of the question. But I'd be lying if I said it isn't sapping my confidence because it is. I'm not even full-time I'm just andro-femme so I can't imagine I will be able to keep a relationship with my family once I go full-time. I guess if anyone has any advice or something I'd like to hear it.
Do you live at your mothers? If you do, try to move out, if you don't, stop seeing her.
Hey Joanna,
First of all, I am sorry to hear your situation. But please don't eve feel like a freak. Before I started posting here, some of your posts (along with others) were very inspiring and helped me when I needed it. Personally, I think that picture (your avatar) of you is beautiful and should not be worried about your appearance. You are far from a freak.
I am not out to my mom, but I imagine or fear she will act the same way. It is a big change and they hope to whip you back into shape with tough love. As though being nasty and hurtful will protect you from making a mistake by making you see the light. IT's a flawed view, yet many parents seem to believe this is the best course of action. Personally, that's why I have been waiting to move out before coming out, but I'm not sure if I can wait that much longer anymore. I feel the need to end the facade for good or bad and just be honest sooner than later.
However, in your case, I would talk to your mom. Let her know that her comments are hurting your feelings and making you feel terrible. If she doesn't respond to an honest plea from her daughter, than you have to consider you own sanity and whether it is worth seeing her during these crucial periods of your transition. Also, you might want to consider moving somewhere else if needed (that is if you still live at home).
Whatever you do, don't detransition. I planned on transitioning once before and failed. I was 19 then and now am in my early to mid twenties. All those years that I missed will never be brought back. I missed out on some really important moments and regret letting my fear and anxiety get the best of me. While I gained needed perspective that I lacked at the time, I can't help but regret waiting. You are on a role and don't want to set yourself back. Have faith that it all will get better because it will.
As for your dream, when you go to sleep, program your subconscious to face the monster. Don't run from it, turn and face it. It will change.
And don't worry about dumping on us. That is what family is truly for. To help you, support you and let you yell.
Love ya, Sis.
Quote from: muuu on April 24, 2013, 11:25:01 PM
Do you live at your mothers? If you do, try to move out, if you don't, stop seeing her.
Yeah I do. I had to move back in two years ago because I lost my job and now I have a crappy one. But I'm working on getting more work and I fully plan to move out once I do. But I feel the relationship is toast.
Quote from: Julie53 on April 24, 2013, 11:33:15 PM
Your Mom's actions are based on her love for you. Maybe you need to forgive her for loving you in that way....
I wish I could believe this but all I am doing is being honest and telling the truth. Is it so selfish just to be myself? I can forgive. It's just that her words make me feel horrible about myself and I'm starting to believe her. I even thought maybe I should just get my guy clothes out of the closet (no pun intended lol) and wear them which is something I don't want to do. It's taken so much and I have sacrificed so much just to get here. I can't give up and that's what she is trying to get me to do. I really feel this is my last chance. I can have some sort of life if I do this and be happy.
If I don't, what do I do then? Start dating some woman like she wants me to do and have kids? She wouldn't be happy with the type of woman I date in any event because the only women that are attracted to me are more butch/lesbian type women. She hated my ex-fiancee for this very reason because she had a shaved head and preferred to be called by a masculized name. That's another unto itself. But I do know what you mean and you are right. I just wish she would have a little compassion.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 24, 2013, 11:46:27 PM
First of all, I am sorry to hear your situation. But please don't eve feel like a freak. Before I started posting here, some of your posts (along with others) were very inspiring and helped me when I needed it. Personally, I think that picture (your avatar) of you is beautiful and should not be worried about your appearance. You are far from a freak.
I am not out to my mom, but I imagine or fear she will act the same way. It is a big change and they hope to whip you back into shape with tough love. As though being nasty and hurtful will protect you from making a mistake by making you see the light. IT's a flawed view, yet many parents seem to believe this is the best course of action. Personally, that's why I have been waiting to move out before coming out, but I'm not sure if I can wait that much longer anymore. I feel the need to end the facade for good or bad and just be honest sooner than later.
Thanks! And yeah I know what you mean about waiting to transition but I could not wait any longer. I will prob move out very soon as I am in the process of getting more work but I don't want to wait. I haven't even lived here that long either so I guess they may be regretting that they even let me crash here but it was that or go live in the ghetto. Which is something I am considering. I'm trying to save more money to in case I get kicked out all together without warning. I don't think that would happen though. I would get an ultimatum and then a time limit.
It's tough to consider that your relationship with your mom may not last. However, consider the fact that you have done everything in your power to keep a relationship with her. If she can't accept you for who you are, that is a whole other story. I think it is fine to give parents an amount of leeway to become adjusted, but if they are unwilling to come around at all it isn't fair to you.
I think it is great that you are working on moving out and creating a plan for yourself. I understand exactly what you mean about fear of living in the ghetto. I live in NY and the rent here is ridiculous. I have been thinking about whether to come out now and face the consequences or wait till I have an apartment and then start everything. It's sad that we have to jump through so many hoops just to be ourselves. I mean it's not like transitioning itself is easy. So, why do we have to deal with family issues on top of it all? But, it's part of the process. Don't worry, you are doing well and no one can stop you from being yourself. Just keep going strong and don't let anyone or anything stand in the way of your happiness.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 25, 2013, 12:15:46 AM
Don't worry, you are doing well and no one can stop you from being yourself. Just keep going strong and don't let anyone or anything stand in the way of your happiness.
Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot. And yeah I know about rent in NYC! I live in Philly. I've always wanted to move to NYC though and still hope to one day. I'm a magazine editor, or was, so it's always been a dream of mine. It's pretty much every writer's dream to live in NYC. My best friend from college moved there with her BF. She lived in Hell's Kitchen but lives in Brooklyn now. I'm still working on getting a job like I once had before I got laid off in August 2011 so if I can I'll be able to move back out real fast.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on April 25, 2013, 12:00:02 AM
As for your dream, when you go to sleep, program your subconscious to face the monster. Don't run from it, turn and face it. It will change.
And don't worry about dumping on us. That is what family is truly for. To help you, support you and let you yell.
Love ya, Sis.
I'll try that! Thanks!
You've got my support, hon. Your mom's words are nothing more than intentionally hurtful falsehoods. You mentioned giving up and detransitioning, but let me tell you that no matter what happens please don't do that. I did that twice because I was afraid to "come out" to anyone and it caused me far more problems in the long run.
I can relate, I am curently at my moms to recover from srs, and well my sister definately made me feel sub-human, ended up haveing a break down and slept a day away but..thats a different situation but the I believe the feellings relate. Back when I first started out it was a mess, my mom now accepting of me. said back then she was afraid of what may happen to me, and also she was trying to deal with other peoples pressuring her to make me stop.. maybe its a similier situation, in any case the best solution is to get out, or avoidance at all cost, have you told her that her actions are affecting your work/stability? maybe that will calm some stuff down you can try that and you could also always be like as soon as I can I wont be around for you to worry about it wording,(this is something I said once) we are all here for you- hang in there!
Family can be so mean. And they know just how to get under your skin. If you can get some time away from her that would be best
My mom does the exact same thing. She always tells me to shave my head and go back to wearing dudes clothes.
Its hard to be a transsexual, especially when there is no support. I hope your situation with your mom gets better.
QuoteShe tried calling me Princess to make me feel bad but that just made me smirk so she didn't say it again.
8)
That's the spirit! You don't sound like someone who's going to be 'forced back into hiding and detransitioning'.
Thanks everyone who replied. I really appreciate it. It means a lot more than you know. Still not sure what I intend to do. I hope I'm strong enough to continue transitioning and God knows it's what I've always wanted but i don't know. Trans women don't seem to like me so sometimes I feel real out of place and hurt to the point of crying.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 27, 2013, 12:41:01 AM
Thanks everyone who replied. I really appreciate it. It means a lot more than you know. Still not sure what I intend to do. I hope I'm strong enough to continue transitioning and God knows it's what I've always wanted but i don't know. Trans women don't seem to like me so sometimes I feel real out of place and hurt to the point of crying.
Joanna,
Well, everyone here really likes you :) Don't worry about feeling out of place with others. This is a diverse community and surely there will be people who relate with others better regardless of their gender identity. There are also some jerks in the community as well, so don't let those people bother you. But you will meet friends and others who accept you.
Please don't even consider detransitioning. You know who you are and what you want. Even if this is all tough, imagine going back. I started to planned to transition when I was 19 and made some early progress. Then I freaked out and got scared. I knew I wasn't a guy but tried living as one. Now, here I am again, knowing all too well that I have to do this. I can't tell you how much I regret not moving forward and being stuck presenting as a male (at least it's only for the short term). Believe me, even if this is tough, the dysphoria will never go away. You have to be you and enjoy living your life.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 27, 2013, 01:00:44 AM
Well, everyone here really likes you :)
I'm not so sure about that. I mean yes some people are really awesome like you. But I always want everyone to like me too so maybe I just have too high expectations. I have very low self-esteem so maybe it's all in my head as well but I just get this vibe.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 27, 2013, 01:00:44 AM
Please don't even consider detransitioning. You know who you are and what you want. Even if this is all tough, imagine going back.
Yeah I know I'm trans. Known that since I was 10 and figured out what trans was. Before that I thought I was XXY or something. But mainly it's the passing issue. I don't and can't live as an unpassable trans women. And girls do like me as a guy so I can't help but think I should just man up and accept that it's not going to work and get a girlfriend and try to achieve some sort of happiness. Or even just be gay or something. Possibly it's the hormones and I'm just depressed and it'll go away. I have another month or two worth of meds so I will finish them for sure. I always said I'll give it three months and see how I feel. I don't want to detransition at all and in this is what I have always wanted. I just can't shake the feeling that the changes I've gotten are pretty much it. Maybe I'm just being silly.
Joanna,
You have always come over as a very sweet woman and been willing to help and offer advice. You are appreciated here and we are family and we will love and care for you as much as we can.
I realise I'm in a different situation from the one you are currently in but to a very great extent I made my freedom by being myself. I decided, after much hurt and worry, that the only persons opinion that was of any relevance to me was mine. What people think of me is now a complete indifference if they don't like me or they wish to try and insult me it doesn't matter in the least.
What I have found with this attitude is that people accept, care and treat me with kindness and indeed love. I will never 'pass', I can never be in stealth, I'm me and by the goddess no one in this world or any other has the right or ability to stop that.
Your avatar is of an attractive young woman. You are literate and communicative, you care about others and you are finding your feet in this strange path we walk.
So get your revenge! Be yourself and be happy. Your Mum sounds as if she will hate that! But you will love it and it will forge your strength of character.
Hugs
Cindy
Thanks for your kind words. The avatar is just how I look with makeup and a virtual wig. Anyone could look like that if they used that virtual wig. You're a whole lot stronger then me and I really admire you. But I have to come to terms that I will never pass with just HRT alone and that's the ballgame. And I can't live that way I'd be crying all the time. I feel like I'm going to cry right now so I don't know what to do. ugh. But I'm not going to give up. there's this whole other part of me that says I'll pass 100 percent as soon as I get laser and give HRT another couple months. I may not be the prettiest girl ever but I'm fine with plain jane.
Never say never. I walked into a faily expensive hairdressing salon almost a year ago, a grey haired old man in woman's clothing. I told the owner I was a transwoman and didn't want to wear a wig and what could he do. He sat down with me and in the end said try growing the hair a bit, this product will stop it getting frizzy, come back in 6 weeks and we will see.
I did, he looked surprised. He introduced me to his top stylist and best colour technician. They look after me and I feel loved and respected by them and indeed all of the staff who are awesome. I walk in and everyone greets me and asks me how I'm going and what I've been doing, the girls range from 16 - 30 yrs old I suppose, they have never ever missed a pronoun or forgotten me.
My hair is now similar in colour to your virtual wig and at my chin level. Nathan, my stylist, has a permanent spot for me if I'm going out on a date whatever, he styles and blow drys my hair, so I look extra special, as he says.
He did yesterday when I went out with my boyfriend, yes my boyfriend.
I'm still seeing psychiatrists, we have to here, local rules. I had a new one this week she hadn't seen me for a year. She looked at me and her records and said. 'Last time I saw you, you presented as an effeminate man in woman's clothes, now I think you would have to work really hard to try and pass as a guy'. That is just on HRT and attitude.
I'm 60, I look in my forties, you are a young woman who has everything going for her. You have doubts and fears. You are emotional, you seek a future and worry that the world may regard you as a freak or a guy in a dress or whatever.
Hell woman if I can do it as an elderly drunken decrepit grey haired old man you can move the world.
And now? I'm no longer elderly, I'm sober, I'm not grey haired, and no one regards me as a man.
You can do this Sis. You do have a future.
Yes I'm strong but you are as well. WE all are, we have to be, sometimes we just don't know how strong we are.
Whenever you are in doubt, whenever you have a fear, whenever the dark creeps close, hold one thought in your head.
What would Cindy do?
I have no fear, I have no doubt and the dark can go to hell on a bike.
You can do this my sister, you can do this.
Cindy
Wow thanks so so much. I really feel a million times better after having read that and I'm all tingly lol you're about to make me cry, good happy cry, not sad cry. Really I feel so much better. I can't thank you enough!
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 27, 2013, 03:02:14 AM
Thanks for your kind words. The avatar is just how I look with makeup and a virtual wig. Anyone could look like that if they used that virtual wig. You're a whole lot stronger then me and I really admire you. But I have to come to terms that I will never pass with just HRT alone and that's the ballgame. And I can't live that way I'd be crying all the time. I feel like I'm going to cry right now so I don't know what to do. ugh. But I'm not going to give up. there's this whole other part of me that says I'll pass 100 percent as soon as I get laser and give HRT another couple months. I may not be the prettiest girl ever but I'm fine with plain jane.
I wouldn't shoot youself down before you can fly butterfly! you still appear fairly young and even if you didn't have the wig you would then appear very androgenous to me, and it that case its amazing what a llil timeon hormones will acomplish, so dont quit the race when you haave only ran one lap as there are several more to go before the race is over.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 27, 2013, 01:23:41 AM
I'm not so sure about that. I mean yes some people are really awesome like you. But I always want everyone to like me too so maybe I just have too high expectations. I have very low self-esteem so maybe it's all in my head as well but I just get this vibe.
The thing is most all transgendered people I have met have low self esteem and are way over critical of themselves. which is all the worse when someone says something negative. Its unrealistic that everyone will like you in life and should it matter-hell no, the only person you should be making happy is you! and if another tg person is being mean or somthing I guaranty something is wrong with them mentally, or they are envious of you and the strength you have, and at that point take anything said with a grain of salt, as they ain't worth your time.
that said yes there is a lot of good,big hearted, and supportive people here... so if you feel you need to cry, go ahead let it out, than take a deep breath, and hang in there knowing we are here for you. :)
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 27, 2013, 01:23:41 AM
I'm not so sure about that. I mean yes some people are really awesome like you. But I always want everyone to like me too so maybe I just have too high expectations. I have very low self-esteem so maybe it's all in my head as well but I just get this vibe.
I know what it's like to be plagued by how others perceive me. I've been bullied in the past and was always very shy, so I care deeply about what others think of me. Having the acceptance of others always meant a lot to me. However, that's really not a good outlook in the long run. When we care about what others and live for them we devalue our own sense of self. You can't please everyone all the time. So, don't worry about pleasing those who don't like you or those who are just jerks. Having said that, I think you are being too hard on yourself. There seem to be many here that like and respect you. Honestly, I have seen nothing to indicate that you aren't liked here (actually, I see the complete opposite). As for your real life, I am sure that you can make some great friends where you are who don't care about your transgender status. You live in Philly, surely there are awesome friends to make in a city like that. And if you ever feel lonely or down, don't ever hesitate to contact me. I wouldn't mind having another girlfriend to talk to :)
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 27, 2013, 01:23:41 AM
Yeah I know I'm trans. Known that since I was 10 and figured out what trans was. Before that I thought I was XXY or something. But mainly it's the passing issue. I don't and can't live as an unpassable trans women. And girls do like me as a guy so I can't help but think I should just man up and accept that it's not going to work and get a girlfriend and try to achieve some sort of happiness. Or even just be gay or something. Possibly it's the hormones and I'm just depressed and it'll go away. I have another month or two worth of meds so I will finish them for sure. I always said I'll give it three months and see how I feel. I don't want to detransition at all and in this is what I have always wanted. I just can't shake the feeling that the changes I've gotten are pretty much it. Maybe I'm just being silly.
3 months is a fairly short time to be on hormones. I know you want it to go quickly, but you need to give it time. Look on the bright side because you are at least on them (staring at you in jealousy,lol). You will pass in time. But manning up is not going to work. I tried it and always came back to the same conclusion. This is always going to be with you. Sure, you can try to gain more social acceptance and that might feel good temporarily, but the GID will always be there. It sounds like you want more social interactions, so why not try dating and making more friends as a woman? You don't need to live a lie as a man to do all those things. Sure, there are jerks out there, but there are also some really great people who are worth meeting. Just have faith in yourself and exude some confidence. Things will get better.
dont let it get you down. people can be awful and often are. even more so with family.