Have you ever thought that you look 50/50? Male and female at the same time? Not neither, but both.
I'm talking about both pre-T and T guys, especially T guys who have experienced changes already.
When I look in the mirror I see a complete mixture of both genders, shockingly 50/50 without clothes. With clothes, probably 90% male. Of course I don't like it, and only waiting for more changes to happen. My upper body is masculine, while my lower body remains feminine.
I definitely feel like that-- same as you-- about 50/50 unclothed (maybe more female...) and 90% male clothed. It's hard to feel male looking at myself in the mirror without clothes. I mean, I'm more muscular and broad-shouldered than your average afab person and much hairier, but it's hard to ignore the moobs and curves and crap...
I see 100% female all the time
Only one part of me looks female without my clothes. So, I'd say it's about 90% male, 10% female. But no, I don't see any vestiges of female. I had top surgery a few weeks into T, so I never got the half and half look.
Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I see 50/50 when I get out of the shower. With clothes on I see 90% male. I think the other 10% is mainly just insecurities in my head. The thing that worries me is after I have top surgery next year (already had hysto) the "final frontier" will be bottom. Right now bottom is a "want" but not really in the dysphoria region. From what I've heard a lot of post top guys is after that's done all of the focus goes down there.
On the bright side my gf did mention at lunch today that she is going to buy me a penis once she gets out of school (as she so eloquently put it),lol. She's already paying for most of my top. Yeah, I'm very lucky when it comes to that. I think after she seen me break down one good time in the hospital after a my hysto she finally understood dysphoria. I couldn't wear a binder during that surgery and afterwards I was up asap so I could get a binder on. I really broke down over it...and I'm in no way an emotional person. Dysphoria is rough.
Some days I wonder if I'll ever feel complete. If after everything is done if I'll still question myself or feel out of place in the world. Only one way to find out and that's to keep pressing forward.
Yeah, it's only very recently that I'm beginning to see male more than female or andro in the mirror. It's just a personal thing because I pass all the time, and I did even before starting T. I'm just really harsh on myself sometimes.
I don't know about percentages, but before I started T when I looked in the mirror I felt like a prepubescent dude who was really deformed. I didn't really recognize my body as female, even though I knew it was, I just felt like there was something really weird about the way I looked. Being on T has helped that a lot, but I've still got some weird bits to deal with.
I hated looking into the mirror pre-T. I still never look into a big one that shows full body.
Strangely, once I came to terms with being transgender, it seemed like my face started coming into focus more when I looked in the mirror. I didn't see 100% male, of course, but it was like I could see the guy I was meant to be, and the unanswered question I always read on my own face finally had an answer. It was a moment where everything clicked into perspective.
Quote from: tvc15 on April 25, 2013, 02:19:37 PM
Yeah, it's only very recently that I'm beginning to see male more than female or andro in the mirror. It's just a personal thing because I pass all the time, and I did even before starting T. I'm just really harsh on myself sometimes.
I had the same experience.
That said, I generally see myself more male. The only thing that's throwing me off is my chest. But as soon as that's gone, I'm pretty sure I'll see myself without judging so harshly, even undressed.
I'm pre-T and I mostly see myself as male, even when looking into the mirror. I came a lot more comfortable with my body once I knew what was wrong with it, and what I didn't like. The only reason I can think of that was that I understood that I was male, and can focus on the more masculine parts of it instead of trying to work out why I felt fat etc. My perception of my body has shifted since understanding that I was male because I'm projecting the male image on top of it.
However, I don't use full body mirrors when I'm not clothed, and being short has an advantage for me now, because in the bathroom mirror I can only see my shoulders and head, which are my most masculine parts. When I was on holiday and there was a much lower mirror (it came right down to the sink) I was extremely dysphoric the whole time, I had no binder, and I could see my chest and curves in all their glory.
Photoshopping a picture of me topless into how it should be made me dysphoric as well, because I'd never really realised how curvy I actually am, but it gives me a goal to work towards, and I force myself to see that when I'm in the mirror instead. Understanding my body issues and forcing myself to focus on the parts I like, mostly my shoulders, makes me feel a lot better. And I'm no longer expecting to see, or trying to see, a female there.
Quote from: LearnedHand on April 25, 2013, 10:06:00 AM
I see 100% female all the time
Upon further reflection, "100% female" isn't an accurate. If I see myself unclothed, I always think my moobs look like two giant alien eyeballs.
being Pre-T, the way the fat distributes on me, all I can see is female :/ if I just stick to my face I can see male, but when I get out of the shower and walk by the mirror, there's too much female there :/
I'm a year on T...pass most of the time, but I often see female lately, probably because of crappy self-esteem. But that said, when I catch a glimpse of myself or a photo of myself unexpectedly, I see a guy and then I'm like "omg yes that's me."
It depends what I'm wearing. I'm Pre-T and don't own many men's clothes, so I end up wearing skinny jeans and tight shirts whenever they're being washed (not in public, I think I'll faint if I wore them in public now). When I'm wearing guys clothes I see about 80% male. It might be higher if there wasn't so many mirrors in the house, so I see myself as female too much to not have the doubts.
I generally see a guy but if I have all of my hair showed back my face shows a very femenine struckture which I kinda see as femenine/gender neutral.
I don't know. Every once in awhile, I see a guy there, but most of the time I think I just look weird.
I still see female most of the time when I look in the mirror. It's hard. I'm over a year on T, but pre op. I tend not to look at my chest too much.
without clothes: my chest is definitely not female, but it looks just like I have gynecomastia yet at a average male body fat % and it looks weird. I can go shirtless, but for a short time so I wouldnt get any questioning or weird looks. my chest very broad as well as my shoulders because I lift. my hips are neither feminine nor masculine. my stomach is hairy like a guy's now. my butt...extremely feminine yet hairy now lol. kind of big, NOT a male one yet (without clothes at least). thighs feminine; calves absolutely masculine.
everything is ambiguous pretty much. everything shares both male and female characteristics, and neither overpowers. clothes on, the only thing that stands out is my butt which I manage to hide with bigger shirts covering it but I think I just pay attention to it too much.
I also recently got told my hands are very small for a man's. yep, so are my wrists, and I always get injuries from lifting on my arms and wrists.
Quote from: BearGuy on April 26, 2013, 03:57:34 PM
I also recently got told my hands are very small for a man's.
Someone at work said this to me and I came back with, "Yeah, but these hands have done things to girls you've only ever dreamed of." It's good to have a comeback in mind for things like that I guess, but that was entirely off-the-cuff and I'm pretty proud of it haha
Comebacks are hard when you have a randomly appearing stutter XD
When I look in the mirror, I see a guy with some bad freaking gynecomastia, some days it can just pass for pecs because I can flex them like one of those annoying guys who rips off their shirt at the drop of a hat. I try not to look at my lower half because that makes me sad. Luckily I'm short, so any mirror I'd be naked in front of doesn't show my full body.
Trust me, I suck at speaking, and have a randomly appearing stutter too. I am pretty soft-spoken all the time. But that means when you do say stuff like that it hits 'em even harder.
Quote from: tvc15 on April 27, 2013, 04:19:31 PM
Trust me, I suck at speaking, and have a randomly appearing stutter too. I am pretty soft-spoken all the time. But that means when you do say stuff like that it hits 'em even harder.
True. I don't know what it is, some days it's easy to speak and completely lead a conversation in a group of friends, and others it can take several minutes to untangle one sentence to the point of comprehension, and by then I get frustrated and stop speaking. But I've gotten some beautiful comebacks in before, a friend of mine and I go back and forth with them all the time in a joking manner.
I see male - kind of hard not to when I'm so hairy. I used to have trouble seeing myself as male when I'm clean shaven, but not any longer.
I've never had anyone comment about the size of my hands. I've seen guys around my height who have hands that are about the same size or perhaps even smaller. My hands have also gotten a lot rougher since I've done a lot of manual labor over the past few years. My inner knuckle area is covered in calluses. I feel that my hands are pretty manly now. Back in high school, I would always have the girls I date comment on how soft my hands are, but I doubt that would happen any longer.
I hate my butt though - I really do. It's not flat and probably never will be.
Quote from: JasonRX on April 29, 2013, 03:46:09 AM
I've never had anyone comment about the size of my hands. I've seen guys around my height who have hands that are about the same size or perhaps even smaller.
I've never heard it either, but like you my hands seem fairly normal for guys my height and build. Feet as well. Short cisguys do generally have shorter hands and feet.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 29, 2013, 12:29:25 PM
I've never heard it either, but like you my hands seem fairly normal for guys my height and build. Feet as well. Short cisguys do generally have shorter hands and feet.
My feet are about the size of my dad's and he's got around half a foot on me, so.
I have never experienced this phenomenon, even when I saw an androgynous person in the earlier part of my transition.
Nowadays, I see a man in the mirror as long as...well, I try not to look below the waist if I'm not wearing anything to cover it up. It's hard to avoid seeing the reflection because my bathroom has a very low mirror right across from the shower. When I do look as I'm coming out of the shower, I tend to be so riveted to the blank space at my crotch that I'm not seeing male or 50/50; I'm seeing 100% girl/monstrosity. I wish I didn't have this view of myself, but I haven't succeeded in conquering it.
Some guys have reclassified their parts as male because, after all, those parts are ON a male. I wish I could do this, but I just can't. Too essentialist, I guess.
Quote from: Sylvester on April 29, 2013, 09:36:07 PM
I'd say it's like 90% man, without clothes. I've been doing a lot of incline bench pressing about everyday for a few weeks, with very little tissue on my chest to begin with. And they're at that point where it could go either way. My goal is by mid-summer, to go to the town pool and go stealth without the shirt. :) Everyone that knows of me here thinks I'm post op already.
This is my exact goal! I'll be posting a pic up on here soon to ask whether or not my chest is okay to go out shirtless. I'm trying to get shredded by summer, after my long bulk, and see whether that will kill the fat on my chest as well.
It seems that Caleb isnt the only one who still has problems seeing himself as fully male in the mirror. It hurts. Not just for him but for me as well. Because it sucks a big chunk of self confidance from him and i can see it on his face. But I understand too. I hate that you guys feel this way too. Anyway, Caleb has these big beautiful brown eyes. I wouldnt say they were masculine, but neither are they feminine. I think its his most attractive feature, the window into his soul. But, mainly because its usually all i ever see of him. Funny thing is, I'm not really into guys. But I find him handsome.
Anyway After 2 years, if I look at my face, I dont see a guy at all. Heck I dont see the old me. I see more of my Mum than i ever used to.. Unless I pull my hair back or im standing topless in front of the mirror.Its kind of a weird feeling actually. Then I can kind of see the old me. But my body still kind of screws me up. I have big arms and legs from all the years of manual labour, working out in high school etc. But, im also somewhat of an anomoly among trans women. Im short, I have small hands and wrists. Even a little chin, no adams apple. My voice passes every time and I've not changed it.
But, I still have facial hair and unfortunately, its still pretty dark. Its like having a girls face and boobs stuck on some guys body. I know Caleb can't see me as ever having been male. But, that's genetics I guess. But one thing never seems to leave my mind. How the hell does anyone see me as female?
But, I get by. I pass. I tell myself, its okay. I can make do until my next life. ^_^
Quote from: Keaira on April 30, 2013, 04:33:40 AM
It seems that Caleb isnt the only one who still has problems seeing himself as fully male in the mirror. It hurts. Not just for him but for me as well. Because it sucks a big chunk of self confidance from him and i can see it on his face. But I understand too. I hate that you guys feel this way too. Anyway, Caleb has these big beautiful brown eyes. I wouldnt say they were masculine, but neither are they feminine. I think its his most attractive feature, the window into his soul. But, mainly because its usually all i ever see of him. Funny thing is, I'm not really into guys. But I find him handsome.
Anyway After 2 years, if I look at my face, I dont see a guy at all. Heck I dont see the old me. I see more of my Mum than i ever used to.. Unless I pull my hair back or im standing topless in front of the mirror.Its kind of a weird feeling actually. Then I can kind of see the old me. But my body still kind of screws me up. I have big arms and legs from all the years of manual labour, working out in high school etc. But, im also somewhat of an anomoly among trans women. Im short, I have small hands and wrists. Even a little chin, no adams apple. My voice passes every time and I've not changed it.
But, I still have facial hair and unfortunately, its still pretty dark. Its like having a girls face and boobs stuck on some guys body. I know Caleb can't see me as ever having been male. But, that's genetics I guess. But one thing never seems to leave my mind. How the hell does anyone see me as female?
But, I get by. I pass. I tell myself, its okay. I can make do until my next life. ^_^
I didn't even see Caleb as female when he said he was one! But Keaira I have seen a few pictures one with hair tyed back and you don't look male in them. I have not seen you topless (not that I am hinting I want to!! Ha!) but I am sure that is not an issue. I think everyone is their own worst critic much of the time.
For a long time I couldn't look at myself naked in a mirror at all, it was bad enough that I'd have problems taking showers or anything. Eventually now it got better, I think more because it's like I de-focus, and it's sort of more like looking at an unfinished sculpture. Really depersonalized, sort of "There's that bone structure, and here's that muscle structure, it's just hidden under that wrong shape or that incorrectly placed fat" something like that. It's a little weird but it helps.
Quote from: BearGuy on April 25, 2013, 02:54:47 AM
Have you ever thought that you look 50/50? Male and female at the same time? Not neither, but both.
I'm talking about both pre-T and T guys, especially T guys who have experienced changes already.
When I look in the mirror I see a complete mixture of both genders, shockingly 50/50 without clothes. With clothes, probably 90% male. Of course I don't like it, and only waiting for more changes to happen. My upper body is masculine, while my lower body remains feminine.
I've always thought I looked 50/50. I still see female and male when I look in the mirror. I think, no wonder why I keep getting ms-gendered, I look like a girl trying to pass a boy.
Quote from: Dominick_81 on May 02, 2013, 05:32:36 PM
I've always thought I looked 50/50. I still see female and male when I look in the mirror. I think, no wonder why I keep getting ms-gendered, I look like a girl trying to pass a boy.
That's funny because when I look at pics of you, all I see is a teenage boy.