After 2 counseling sessions with my new therapist here in Commerce Texas, i have to ask myself what is holding me back from wanting to live as a woman full time, and go away from this thing that is myself currently, which in reality is just some mixed up version of male and female. Somedays I want nothing to do with my current self and want to go far into the future and see myself happy and free.
Other days i want to hold on to my male self and my voice impressions and say to myself, hey this is all a delusion, get over it already, your not really female, your just a feminine guy.
And yet i go into the counclerrs office and 15 min later im already talking about how nice it would be to be on hormones, and how wonderful it is and the grass is greener on the other side.
Part of me is having nightmares at night like I cannot and am not allowed to feel or think female anymore and during the day I still feel mostly female, until I have those moments where i don't at all and my male self comes back to say "hello" i am still here
I don't really know what do to do anymore, my current life is a failure though, the only thing I really like about myself now is that I have a nice smile and that I can do many voice impressions and yet I have never tried to get hired as a voice actor, even though thats what I wanted for a very long time.
I seem to always defeat myself somehow, I never am able to pull myself up out of this hole that I am in. I feel hopeless at times, I wish i really did not but I do.
Anyways I am still here and hanging in there, but still very much in conflict
God bless you all.
I can think of four possible reasons you feel this way...
1) You're afraid you'll have to give up your voice impressions if you become female...
2) You still don't fully accept yourself.
3) You could be bigender.
4) You could be genderfluid.
I don't know if this helps you...but I hope so...
Hugs,
-Skye
Hi Shawn,
Self esteem could have a part in it. Sephirah, did a series on self esteem last December that may help. Devlyn did a link to it just recently (within the past week)
Check it out and see what you think. the self talk she commented on is very important.
Huggs
Catherine
well i already kinda know im genderfluid, even my therapist says she sees the potential for me to go both ways, but i feel empty being in between i have a deep need to live as a woman, and yet im still scared
and yeah i do kinda feel like id have to give up the voice impressions to live as a woman, i mean how can they actually go together right> or maybe i will be a big hoot and unique that way and people will like it.
Shawn, I also have my "this is all a delusion" moments. Unfortunately in my case, transgender is relentless. It won't let me go back. I've taken to listing the numerous things that have convinced me I'm trans to help me get over those moments.
Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on April 29, 2013, 12:30:14 PM
and yeah i do kinda feel like id have to give up the voice impressions to live as a woman, i mean how can they actually go together right> or maybe i will be a big hoot and unique that way and people will like it.
Why? Is there a law somewhere that women can't do voice impressions?
No I guess is no law against a woman doing voice impressions but it would be kind of funny to do a lot of mail impressions when I'm leaving for woman I'm using this speech to text thing on my phone and its not working right I mean doing male I'm
pressions when I'm living as a woman
I guess I'm still scared I'm going to lose my family and friends and just about everyone that I know and if you were going to see me as an abomination in the cursing is a sinner and everything else but the truth is my heart still hurts no matter what I do and I heard because I'm not successfully the person in general but I really hurt as I know that I would be deep down being excited to be female
Also I think I'm scared of just the journey in general that I'm afraid to even two years from now it wouldn't be as females I think I am this somehow it would just be a cruel joke to transition but I don't want to give up I just wish there was an easier answer than having to be confused all the time
I don't know your full story, so it would be difficult to give you a great assessment. However, based on what you said, it sounds like you want to go forward as a woman but feel scared about rejection. If that's the case, than fear is what is stopping you. Believe me, I can relate. I still am having trouble developing the confidence to come out to everyone. Yet, I know this is what I have to do in order to be happy. So, if that's how you feel, I would suggest working more on your self confidence and developing some courage to begin the process.
IT also sounds like you may be confused about where you fall on the gender spectrum. There is nothing wrong with being bigendered and/or leaning one particular way. I know people who are more gender queer and believe that it is perfectly acceptable. Just be sure that you would happy transitioning if you happen to feel more inclined that you are gender fluid.
I think I kinda do recognise this inner feeling of Yours. I am not on hormones yet, still with each day I feel like I am opening up myself more and more. There are things, male things, which I start really to despise, certain pieces of clothing, which I dont want to wear anymore. Still, I have to walk a long route until I can leave this all behind, and I am not so sure that everything will be left and deserted... You cant just erase X years from Your life, the skills You obtained, and experience You learned. There will always be areas, which I will most probably approach from the male perspective, no matter how I try - unless HRT has some big and nasty surprises for me there :P
Well I partially opened up about my past in my blog sunshine in San Francisco its under the section of paradox of pain my painful past but I have other stuff to put in there to my pictures in different sections and some signs San Francisco I mean the blog it in the blank page
Well another thing is I feel like some of my motions are cut off from Me. and unless I have estrogen running around in my system I'm not going to be able to experience the full range of emotions I think thats whats the satisfy don't try to transition I'll never know what it's like and I know that deep down inside I want to know what it's like I want to know what it feels like to have the right hormones in my body purses having testosterone
Shawn,
In the five months I've been on this site, you have continually given excellent advice, assistance and support. You care about others and that is truly special. You really helped me a couple of times. Could I suggest that you take a minute, clear your mind and read your posts as if they were from someone else? Then, give that person advice. Don't say anything contrary to yourself. Just what would you tell them. You then will know what to do.
The longest journey starts with the first step. I don't know where you will be going on that journey. That is for you to decide and that is frightening but that is also life.
Sean this is what you need to do I need to apply self to be the person God continue to be so you can help other people if you allow yourself to be the person you're meant to be you be able to help you believe in you couldn't help them before instead of being a place of darkness in confusion you can be a place of life and happiness you have a spiritual understanding that you didn't have before when it comes to me on my transition being a Christian this is something you should hear the people if you don't do this you regret it and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering if you could help people I know you're scared of what will your family is going to think about you your family does not understand is calling that you have didn't see the difference in the People vs how they really are vs their bodies the person's physical and hormonal make it doesn't change the fact that they're actually have faith and love God and I know that deep down inside you do not want to cause anyone harm agree for pain and this isn't about that is about you being able to be on a thin thick and happy and true honest and Noble person and you can't do that if you're going to be continuously conflicted and worried about your gender and you're always going to be wondering what it would be like if you were on the other side of the coin allow yourself to be free allow yourself to be happy I like your self to be home
Well I said most of that with my phone it didn't come out all clear though but the truth of the matter is I do know that I'm a female I am scared of transition because it was going to cause my family hate me and it's okay to be a voice actor and female the same time
Shawn,
I read somewhere that a person will transition when the pain of not transitioning is greater than the pain of transitioning. I do not know where you are at in that rather simple to write but very complex to evaluate equation. Yet, I think that equation governs our lives.
Adam and Eve – garden – sin – the fall. All of creation fell. None of us were born with perfect bodies because all mankind was born into an imperfect world. I do not believe it is sin to be intersexed. I do not believe it is sin to be trans. I do not believe it is sin to be cis. I do believe we live our lives in this rather imperfect world, trusting that the work of salvation is complete with what Christ did on the cross, loving God with all our hearts and loving our neighbors as ourselves. Anything less is sin.
Having said that, I don't think transitioning is a sin. It is just like any surgery that a person has to correct a problem. That is what I have told my family. That is what I have prayed about and what I have searched the bible about. I keep coming up with the same "no problem". It only seems to be some people that I know that really have the problem. Yet, for those people with problems, I look at their lives and actions and I see that they are having aproblem with eithr trusting or loving. Then, I tell them what's up and love them anyway.
Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on April 29, 2013, 01:26:41 PM
I guess I'm still scared I'm going to lose my family and friends and just about everyone that I know and if you were going to see me as an abomination in the cursing is a sinner and everything else but the truth is my heart still hurts no matter what I do and I heard because I'm not successfully the person in general but I really hurt as I know that I would be deep down being excited to be female
well one thing that is stopping you from being female, is that you don't use periods. >:-) Sorry.... that was bad.
If you have such entanglements you have to decide if it is worth it to you. IMHO, you have to decide which way would allow you to live with the most personal integrity.
Best of luck!
Kristi
Yes sorry for not using periods but my phone doesn't do that unless I manually type it. I have a speech to text thing that makes a light year to get on this
Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on April 29, 2013, 10:32:58 PM
Yes sorry for not using periods but my phone doesn't do that unless I manually type it. I have a speech to text thing that makes a light year to get on this
Hahaha! Yes I do understand. I just could not pass on the joke. HUGS
Kristi
Besides when with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome don't have periods... he he he ha ha ho ho ho.... of course I only have the mild or partial and Justin since I mean I suppose I have mild or partial androgen insensitivity....lol
Quote from: JLT1 on April 29, 2013, 10:04:04 PM
Shawn,
I read somewhere that a person will transition when the pain of not transitioning is greater than the pain of transitioning. I do not know where you are at in that rather simple to write but very complex to evaluate equation. Yet, I think that equation governs our lives.
Adam and Eve – garden – sin – the fall. All of creation fell. None of us were born with perfect bodies because all mankind was born into an imperfect world. I do not believe it is sin to be intersexed. I do not believe it is sin to be trans. I do not believe it is sin to be cis. I do believe we live our lives in this rather imperfect world, trusting that the work of salvation is complete with what Christ did on the cross, loving God with all our hearts and loving our neighbors as ourselves. Anything less is sin.
Having said that, I don't think transitioning is a sin. It is just like any surgery that a person has to correct a problem. That is what I have told my family. That is what I have prayed about and what I have searched the bible about. I keep coming up with the same "no problem". It only seems to be some people that I know that really have the problem. Yet, for those people with problems, I look at their lives and actions and I see that they are having aproblem with eithr trusting or loving. Then, I tell them what's up and love them anyway.
I have to agree with this. Forgive me if some of the people already covered this in the above posts as I was just skimming since I just got through typing up a 3 page paper for my final exam. Shawn, Ive seen a lot of your posts since the day you have joined and I found many of them interesting because you asked a lot of the same questions that I was afraid to ask. I have even seen you on another website that I went to and saw how you stood up for what you believed in, at the expense of having some very nasty comments sent your way. You have A LOT more courage than you give yourself credit for.
I'm thinking maybe part of what's stopping you has to be the religious side of it, not that you necessarly doubt yourself that you're a woman or that you think it's inherently wrong to transition, but the side of all of the religious people that casts scriptures and opinions at you like stones (and they are pretty much stones-it can hurt) that make you requestion yourself . I could be wrong though but this is the feeling I'm getting based off your previous posts.
You will have to live your life for yourself and not others. Those who would tink you're an abomination or a sinner doesn't have to walk in your shoes. Since this isn't the Christian side of the forums, I'm not going to get deep into religion but just remember....People mocked Jesus.
maybe its just your internal transfobia, somthing like hapens to me :(