I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've been dealing with so much of late and it's starting to feel like it's crushing me.
I'll start at the beginning. I started transitioning in 2009. Things went pretty well and I was full time within a year. I was very happy but then the job market dried up. I couldn't find a job anywhere. A friend of mine suggested that I should move out to the bay area in northern California. I had nothing to lose so I moved. Kind of a dumb move.
Originally it was for a summer job but the job dried up and I couldn't find another job and couldn't find a way to get back to teh East Coast. Granted if there was a way to go back, I wouldn't have went. There was no chance of transitioning there.
Anyhoo, I was there in the Bay Area for a good 8 months before I was offered a place to crash with my sister in LA. That wound up to be just as bad because one of the stipulation was I had to detransition if I wanted to live there. I hated it and it killed me inside but I did it.
My sister's place was a nightmare. She fought with her boyfriend 24/7 and her boyfriend hated me. Eventually I was thrown out by the landlord because my sister wasn't paying for three people to stay with her. After that, I've been completely homeless.
I stayed at a shelter but at the time, I was talked into becoming the care taker for an old man I knew from the street. It was looking well when it became apparent that I couldn't take care of the old man because of his dementia being too bad. After That, my time at the shelter was up and i had to leave. The tragedy was, while I was there, I was told by the shelter to not get a job because I could'nt work another job and be the old man's caretaker.
So when the old man was deemed too far gone to stay anywhere but a hospital (long story), I went to try and find work. Of course within a week I was told I had to leave because I had stayed there too long to not have a job. Regardless of what happened. (even my case worker couldn't believe they were tossing me out)
That was October and ever since then, I've been living on the street. It's been a living hell because I'm alone most of the time.
The only good thing that's happened is I started mones paid by the city which is nice but that's all that happened that I'm thankful for.
Everytime things start to turn around something comes up and hits me in the face. I can't catch a break and lately I've been fearing this is going to last forever and how if that's the case, maybe I should just end it. I'm not going to kill myself but I can't say that dying would be worst than this. I'm alone all the time. I'm hungry all the time. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. (mostly an hour here and an hour there, I have to keep moving to avoid harrassment)
I don't want much. I just want to have a job, my own room. A bed (even a cot), a shower and a place I can wash my clothes.
I want to continue with my transition and end this male facade. I want to not be so alone. I want to have hope because I'm about out of it. Having more than 3 days in a roll where I get to have a meal would be nice too because I starve all the time now.
I'm sorry to rant but I have no one to talk to. I tried to talk about this in chat but I think i bummed everyone out. I just found out that my food stamps have been cancelled because I didn't inform them I left the shelter (even though I was kicked out). I didn't know this was happening untill today. I don't know how I'm going to survive anymore. I don't know if I want to survive. I hate my life. I don't know what I did to deserve all this but I'm sorry.
Ok, that's a bit of a fib. I do think of killing myself. I mean, no one would miss me and my life is nothing but miserable anyways. I hate being alone. I hate being hungry, I hate being cold, I hate having no where to live, I hate that no one cares if what happens to me, I hate myself. I hate that I'll probably never get to fully transition. Things never get better for me any more. just worst. I won't probably kill myself though. I'm a coward. :(
Get to Boston and I'll feed you and put a roof over your head. Hugs, Devlyn
* hugs * I'm so, so sorry to hear about your situation. Are there any programs out there to help you find jobs? Will you ever be able to move back into the shelter while you search? (or are there other shelters to go to?)
* another hug * I hope things look up for you soon! You deserve much better.
I'm going to preface this by sharing with you my own experience.
Back in 2005 prior to coming out full time I was the most popular English language Fringe playwright and director in Poland. Only a few years previously I was the highest paid stage director in alternative theatre.
I came out publicly as transgendered and went full time in support of equal rights for the Polish LGBT community. My downfall took place over the first eight days in November 2005.
I lost everything.. literally.. everything. I was destitute and living on the streets. I joke that I am an Auschwitz survivor, because I spent my first night sleeping rough at Auschwitz railway station in the south of Poland, packing the cardboard sheets I found down onto the snow to find somewhere to sleep.
I eventually made it to Warsaw, knee deep in snow, temperatures as low as minus 20. I had nothing, nowhere to go, no hostel, no night shelters and no welfare - being British in Poland. I slept on night buses, I slept in empty frozen railway carriages, I've slept in a railway tunnel, an abbatoir.
I remember this month in my life (from November 8th to December 8th) because I was tired, depressed, exhausted, and yes like you suicidal. I was also usually hungry and bitterly cold.
I remember going to sleep knowing that at best I had a 50/50 chance of waking up again. Just like playing Russian roulette, but shorter odds.
But all that what is written above isn't really that important. It doesn't help you or change your situation, it just informs you of my previous situation and reasoning for what I'm about to write.
Why are you building yourself an invisible prison? Aren't you restricted enough in your situation through being homeless and destitute? Isn't that enough?
You have all what is needed to change your life for the better. You are reading these words, you are breathing, you are still alive.
And these are the times when you have to rely on yourself and give yourself chances.
There's no point in beating yourself up over how you got yourself into your current situation. It's past, it's history, it's a waste of time and emotional effort.
All what matters is here and now, today, this minute.
If you end it now the people who put you where you are now will have won, and you will be dead, and not remembered for who you are, but as someone you aren't.
But why give up on yourself? You are there, living, breathing, reading these words. Surely you can give yourself one more chance, right? You are the one who can change things, yes?
Don't let these other people win. Don't let anybody put you down and keep you down, depressing you and holding you back.
Things can change, things will change, but this needs you alive and breathing to make things change, to make things better.
Can you hold on? Can you just hold on one more day?
You see nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Not you, not me, not anybody else.
If you hold on one day more you will have survived one more day and will be closer to a situation where you can change things for yourself.
You can also help yourself by opening up your mind and heart to others and reaching out. This is where you can get to change things for yourself. This increases your chances of being able to change things.
There's something you need to know about people, if you don't already. There is nobody alive today who is completely resistant to stuff like unconditional love and affection. Nobody. Affection is as important and necessary to our survival as water, oxygen, and sleep.
This is why when you ask someone for kindness, most people will respond with kindness. You asking them for kindness opens up an opportunity for affection in the form of gratitude. It makes them feel empowered and good about themselves.
But you are the one who has to do the asking. This is where you can have the power to change things for yourself. But you need to be living, breathing, and able to read these words.
You have the power to change things for the better, if given the opportunity.
You might find that opportunity tomorrow. But you need to give yourself chances to find that opportunity.
Therefore please, hold on, give it another day. Please don't give up on yourself and throw it all away.
Hold on, just one more day. Just one more day is all that could be needed for an opportunity to change things.
But if it isn't, you've survived one more day. And if you give yourself one more chance and wait for tomorrow, you could find that tomorrow brings you that opportunity.
I write from experience. I never gave up on myself, I never gave up on giving myself chances. I'm writing this post on my own computer in an apartment, I'm transitioning and living as myself.
You can be just like me, and others like me, if you are prepared to give yourself enough chances.
Dear, you're always welcome in chat and don't worry about bumming us out. We're there to support each other in real-time so if you ever want to talk we're there for you. There are several LA people that hang out there so they might be able to help you with something.
Jenni, I've been homeless twice in my life. I agree - it sucks. But there are always opportunities. As has been said, every day is a new day and a new chance to recreate yourself and your situation.
Rather than end your life - end the life you're living now. Get out of LA. Take these fine ladies up on their offer for lodging and shelter. Use it as an opportunity to start over. If you have no money, stick out your thumb and hitchhike. If you have no food, so what? You're used to it. A person can go for weeks without eating - it won't kill you.
There are plenty of good people in the world that will bend over backwards to help you - but you have to be willing to help yourself - and meet them halfway.
I've been penniless and hungry more times than I can count - and I'm still here - still healthy - and still smiling.
Only you can change your life. But it starts by accepting your situation. Forgive yourself and others for the situations and circumstances that put you where you are - and then pick a direction and start over.
If you're determined to kill yourself - why rush it? That can be done at any time. Try something different first. End the life you're living now (metaphorically - NOT physically) and recreate yourself. Yes it's hard. But it's SO worth it.
Any woman (or man) that has the courage and strength to admit they're trans and go through transition certainly has the strength and courage to start over when they've hit bottom.
Know that others' believe in you - even when you don't.
my hear goes out to you. the thought of losing all petrifies me and that may be the block preventing me from transitioning and going full time. let me know if you want to talk. I am good at listening.
teri