I moved from a very small town where I was open and had no problems to a larger city and then had a great deal of problems. I ran into a great deal of hate and intolerance. I was raped and assaulted, which the police said I deserved simply for being who I was and determined it not to even be a crime. I have chosen to escape my current city as soon as I have saved enough money to move.
When I move simply to avoid this situation ever again I am thinking of being totally stealth. Only letting my personal physician know I am trans, not another person in the city. Am I betraying everyone? My problem is finding a city I can afford where I can also get my insurance to cover me and no one knows me already!
I feel that as it is your transition rather than anyone else's you are more than entitled to do whatever you like.
Best of luck with the move and stay safe.
Rosie
Quote from: vegie271 on May 20, 2013, 03:33:07 PM
Am I betraying everyone?
No, I don't think so. It is your right to pursue the lifestyle that makes you the happiest. Were I in your position, I wouldn't even stop to question the ethics of the choice; it would be done, simply.
I'm thankful that the intolerance where I live is at a low level. I don't think I would enjoy being stealth... I prefer to be open (but not explicitly "out") and proud.
Quote from: Kelly J. P. on May 20, 2013, 03:46:00 PM
I'm thankful that the intolerance where I live is at a low level. I don't think I would enjoy being stealth... I prefer to be open (but not explicitly "out") and proud.
I was open pretty only with the LGBT crowd, only my closest friends knew, the hate crime happened when a man tried to rape me and when he got me undressed found out that I was pre-op. The he beat me almost to death, and I was made fun of and misgendered by the cop.
when you talk about rape and violent assault its safety first.
x
Quote from: vegie271 on May 20, 2013, 04:21:26 PM
I was open pretty only with the LGBT crowd, only my closest friends knew, the hate crime happened when a man tried to rape me and when he got me undressed found out that I was pre-op. The he beat me almost to death, and I was made fun of and misgendered by the cop.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't blame you to want to spend the rest of your life in stealth. I hope you filed a complaint about the police officer who treated you so poorly. I don't think your betraying anyone by living in stealth you have to do what's best for you.
If it helps you cope i can't see how stealth is a betrayal. Just know that there is no real 'true' stealth unless you take some elses ID and kill them, and everyone else they ever knew....And that isnt practical or moral.
Seriously though with all of the paper trail and the fact that digital information is so prevalent anyone who really wants to know what you are hiding will find out. You can start over, but it will never be a reset button.
I think living completely stealth is a good thing. Once someone finds out you are transgender regardless of whether they are accepting or not they will always have that label of Trans over your head. I've had girls I was friends with find out and immediately I went from being treated like one of the girls to being treated more like that sassy gay friend....
Quote<hidden member>
I think living completely stealth is a good thing. Once someone finds out you are transgender regardless of whether they are accepting or not they will always have that label of Trans over your head. I've had girls I was friends with find out and immediately I went from being treated like one of the girls to being treated more like that sassy gay friend....
I have to agree with this statement . I know I'm completely stealth now too and things are better. The only violence you may face will be as a woman. Not the added kind that you get if they find out your trans. There's nothing wrong with keeping this medical condition to yourself
Quote from: Hikari on May 20, 2013, 05:50:23 PM
Just know that there is no real 'true' stealth unless you take some elses ID and kill them, and everyone else they ever knew....And that isnt practical or moral.
Ouch! don't want to do that! but I don't want to give upQuote <hidden member>
I think living completely stealth is a good thing. Once someone finds out you are transgender regardless of whether they are accepting or not they will always have that label of Trans over your head. I've had girls I was friends with find out and immediately I went from being treated like one of the girls to being treated more like that sassy gay friend....
Yeah, so most say it's OK, see here in town everyone is saying that me going stealth when I move is like betraying the "cause". "if we don't let people know who we are how are they ever going to know that we are real people just like them and get used to us"
but none of them have ever been victims!
Your first cause you should concern yourself with is you and your life. You are not harming any other trans person by going stealth. Everyone needs to decide which route is best for themselves and not worry about making others feel bad for their own choices. I mean seriously, the choice to live your own life as yourself is what our cause should be, not bullying others into doing what we think they should do. Just makes us them, you know what I mean?
I will note that, while it would be obnoxiously courageous, even heroic, continuing to live as you have been in spite of your rape incident would be a steady and perhaps under-appreciated step into the darkness of transphobia. It's understandable, even expected, that you would want to go stealth after a traumatizing experience like this, but there certainly is a cause as identified by your associates. To follow through on that cause, even through tremendous difficulty, would be difficult; however, you would become a role model, and a beacon of pride, if you were to.
Either way, I hope you find a safer place to live, and I hope you find a way to enjoy your life to the fullest extent possible for you. There is no right or wrong solution to this scenario, in terms of morality, so it's up to you to make the choice that you can most happily live with.
Quote from: vegie271 on May 20, 2013, 09:39:15 PM
see here in town everyone is saying that me going stealth when I move is like betraying the "cause". "if we don't let people know who we are how are they ever going to know that we are real people just like them and get used to us"
Some people are cut out to be activists and poster children, and some aren't. I'm not, and I finally stopped beating myself up about it. I raise awareness in subtler ways, sometimes in casual conversation with students and friends. I do my best to destigmatize trans when I get the opportunity, and I do not need to be out to these people in order to pull it off. Ya gotta do what's right for you.
Causes are all well and good but personal safety is paramount. You are entitled to live in safety. Look after yourself first.
One thing that I am very concerned about is the lack of Police response. To be initially attacked, beaten and raped is horrendous but to then be victimized again by the Police is even worse. There is no excuse for a lack of action and belittling you and saying it was your own fault. If you have not made a complaint I would strongly urge you to do so. Somewhere there will be records of what happened, Casualty Dept, radio logs (police and ambulance), witnesses who saw you at the time or shortly after, incident report (Police/Hospital/Ambulance), etc...
I do not know what procedures are in place where you live for lodging a complaint. In Australia complaints can be lodged to the Commissioner of Police, a Member of Parliament, a Magistrate or Judge, directly to the Officer in Charge of the particular Police Station or Unit but more commonly to the Ombudsman (a State Dept that handles most complaints about State Government Departments and Authorities). I would recommend the equivalent to the Ombudsman if available. Make the complaint in writing. It needs to be detailed and accurate. Do not exaggerate or embroider what happened, if it is discovered that you have included untruthful information it can be used to discredit you. If you have access to Legal Assistance or Legal Aid use it. You will need moral and emotional support for this. If you have access to counselling services use them, again you will need the support.
The reason I am strongly recommending that you complain is twofold. First, for your own sake. This is something that you will have hanging over you and affect you for a very long time, if not forever. Second, if this happened to you it will happen again to someone else unless there are changes.
You did nothing wrong, yet you are being made to feel guilty by the indifference, ignorance and stupidity of the Police. You deserved much better treatment.
Good luck in whatever you decide. I wish I could hold your hand and give you a hug.
Jen
It's totally all right. Anyone who says it's selfish because of promoting acceptation and blah blah is selfish because you have the right to live normally like everyone else does.
And sue the police. Only if you're a careless prostitute do they slightly (oh so very slightly) have a point. But does forgetting to lock your car make your thief less of a criminal? No. I cannot imagine a situation where rape can be blamed on the victim. At most, maybe, in some cases, there can be some attenuating factors in what the victim did. Maybe. And even if that were the case, it's certainly not the police's place to say that. Only the court can. And it'd better have some pretty good reasons for it.
Though sheesh, you really got unlucky. I've been visibly "of ambiguous gender" for maybe two years now, yet the worst I've had is a couple of comments behind my back and 3-4 people laughing/discussing discreetly. I can't imagine "hello, I'm trans" would've gotten me beaten and raped... Well, to begin with, I'm not pretty enough to excite anyone, anyway, but that's not the point.
I do think you've been really unlucky (unless you've gone and made a point of telling the most dangerous-looking people you could find), but especially with your experience, I think it's not only okay but very understandable to go stealth. To be honest, NOT to go stealth at this point sounds masochistic.
And there is no cause. Well, no cause that warrants putting yourself at risk, anyway. The only thing being betrayed here is you, by those people telling you you should once again put yourself at risk just to do "publicity" about trans people not being demons. If you want to help things, sue the police, go through a proper criminal trial, and watch as the headlines about intolerant policemen being suspended and people put in prison for raping an innocent trans person (along with the unavoidable info capsule on transsexualism that never fails to come with every article featuring anything trans) make more of a difference than a thousand more risky situations would.
Forgive my ignorance, but what is stealth? What does stealth mean here? :)
Quote from: vegie271 on May 20, 2013, 04:21:26 PM
I was open pretty only with the LGBT crowd, only my closest friends knew, the hate crime happened when a man tried to rape me and when he got me undressed found out that I was pre-op. The he beat me almost to death, and I was made fun of and misgendered by the cop.
From what I can tell, the issue wasn't that he immediately knew you were trans because you were "out", so it's not really a stealth issue. As much as you want to run away and go stealth, this probably won't be the "magic pill" to fix what happened or what might happen in the future.
BUT, being stealth in trans hostile area is definitely the way to go; personally I would just outright leave and find a trans friendly area. Even if you are stealth, it would still be safer to be in a trans friendly area and always have a girlfriend with you at night, walking alone, or any time where there aren't any people around (especially).
Disclaimer: I have nothing against anyone who is stealth or is wanting to go stealth.
If you want to be stealth, there is no problem with that. You shouldn't need to tell anyone other than medical personal or a serious romantic partner. I agree with what Skye wrote above. Stealth is not necessarily going to prevent assaults. Most women have to deal with the fact that there are predators out there. It's very sad, but we live in a complex world. And I'm incredibly sorry to hear you were a victim of one of those scumbags.
Secondly, you should really consider holding the police and the perpetrator accountable. The person who committed the assault deserves to be prosecuted and those individual officers need to lose their badge. How dare they tell you that you deserved what happened to you. That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard.
Quote from: Jennifer Snowskier on May 20, 2013, 10:33:21 PM
Commissioner of Police, a Member of Parliament, a Magistrate or Judge, directly to the Officer in Charge of the particular Police Station or Unit but more commonly to the Ombudsman (a State Dept that handles most complaints about State Government Departments and Authorities). I would recommend the equivalent to the Ombudsman if available. Make the complaint in writing. It needs to be detailed and accurate. Do not exaggerate or embroider what happened, if it is discovered that you have included untruthful information it can be used to discredit you. If you have access to Legal Assistance or Legal Aid use it. You will need moral and emotional support for this. If you have access to counselling services use them, again you will need the support.
The reason I am strongly recommending that you complain is twofold. First, for your own sake. This is something that you will have hanging over you and affect you for a very long time, if not forever. Second, if this happened to you it will happen again to someone else unless there are changes.
You did nothing wrong, yet you are being made to feel guilty by the indifference, ignorance and stupidity of the Police. You deserved much better treatment.
Good luck in whatever you decide. I wish I could hold your hand and give you a hug.
Jen
I have tried, this is why I am just running away and hiding, I just give up , I actually even almost considered just striking out and doing really bad things, either self or other destructive, so leaving and forgetting is the best. I had someone who tried to represent me and complain and it went no where, the system in my city and county is completely corrupt.
Quote from: Kiwi4Ever on May 20, 2013, 11:37:46 PM
Forgive my ignorance, but what is stealth? What does stealth mean here? :)
"Stealth" is when you live completely as if you were a cis gender woman and tell no one in your real life about your past. You is no way reveal to anyone anything. You leave no evidence at all. I have no pictures of me preceding transition. I have no boy clothes left, I have no documentation left except the first page left on my birth certificate and that is in a safe , no one will see it, anything that any one could see is locked away, the only thing anyone can find is stuff tracked in digital searches. Nothing that can be easily found in my home. All evidence of me being trans is gone from my facebook page, my twitter description, my tumblr, google+, flickr, even on the cards I hand out with my phone number
Quote from: vegie271 on May 20, 2013, 11:55:31 PM
I have tried, this is why I am just running away and hiding, I just give up , I actually even almost considered just striking out and doing really bad things, either self or other destructive, so leaving and forgetting is the best. I had someone who tried to represent me and complain and it went no where, the system in my city and county is completely corrupt.
I'm really sorry to hear everything.
Please, don't hurt yourself whatever you do. While you went through a terrible situation, life can and does get better. You are planning on making a fresh start in a new city. That sounds like a good plan. I'm sure you will have a bright and productive future. Don't let the villains of your past destroy you. They are scum and don't deserve to destroy your life. Things will get better.
Quote from: vegie271 on May 20, 2013, 11:55:31 PM
I have tried, this is why I am just running away and hiding, I just give up , I actually even almost considered just striking out and doing really bad things, either self or other destructive, so leaving and forgetting is the best. I had someone who tried to represent me and complain and it went no where, the system in my city and county is completely corrupt.
Dear Vegie,
You have no idea how sorry I am to hear that there is no comeback on the police. No accountability breeds corruption. I hate to say this but find a safe haven then document everything that you can and approach the media, Local, State and National. Police Departments do not like embarrassing questions from the media. It is a long shot but the best I can suggest. Your country is certainly different to Australia.
Also, Please, please, please do not do bad things. It is a downward spiral which only makes things much worse. If you feel like hitting something take up some form of Self Defense Class or Martial Arts, learn the pressure points and various wrist locks and take downs. Its good exercise, confidence building and legal.
Still wanting to hold your hand and give you a hug, be strong.
Jen
Aaaah, now I understand ;) My view is that anyone going stealth has a right to do so, a right to choose how they live. It reminds me of a recent interaction with a MTF I met on Thailand. She had wonderful SRS surgery with Dr Suporn and she insisted on telling everyone that she was "trans" She didn't look like anything other than a large woman. I was a little shocked at her behavior but then, it was hers, not mine. Another person was there who looked totally male but in a skirt, and she too was given SRS...It seems different people choose to give out different messages.
Oh, Vegie, what a terrible story ... it's just appalling that there are still cops with that kind of prejudicial, pig-ignorant attitude.
But on the question of stealth, here's the thing ... A certain kind of transsexual gets incredibly offended if she's not treated as a woman, and not just a woman now, but as someone who was always a woman, even when born as a boy and living in a male role.
And then it's the same people who tell other transsexual women that it's wrong to live in stealth because they have some kind of duty to the rest of the TS community to be 'out' about being trans.
Well, hang on ... if a person was always a woman, shouldn't she live as a woman - a regular, normal, garden-variety woman? Why does she have to proclaim the fact that she owes her body to surgery and HRT? Where's the logic in that?
My point is that the aim of MTF transition is surely to be as female as possible. And if you pass well enough to be just another woman going to her job, to the mall, to the movies, whatever ... and if that is what makes you happy .. then you go right ahead and do it.
You've suffered enough at the hands of intolerant straights. You certainly shouldn't suffer at the hands of intolerant transwomen. This is YOUR life, live it the way YOU want.
(Memo to self: take your own advice you daft cow! ;) )
I cannot see how ou'd be betraying anyone by being stealth. In fact, based on your experience, you will be betraying yourself if you do not. You feel you need to do stealth to be safe. You should sacrafice your safety for the sake of someone elses feelings? Hmmmm where have you heard that logic before?
I do hear you about moving. I was living in a town of about 1000 people. I started m transition of sorts 3 years ago. I had no issues at all coming and going and running around town as Joanne. A few weeks ago I got a for real job back home in NJ just across the river from NYC. Guess what? I know it is impossible to leave the house presenting here with these neighbors and all their pettiness and hate.
Quote from: Jennifer Snowskier on May 21, 2013, 12:16:41 AM
Also, Please, please, please do not do bad things. It is a downward spiral which only makes things much worse. If you feel like hitting something take up some form of Self Defense Class or Martial Arts, learn the pressure points and various wrist locks and take downs. Its good exercise, confidence building and legal.
Judo is an excellent martial art for locks, throws, and such stuff. It can be great fun, with the benefit of keeping you active and social. I would also suggest a good boxing class, if you're more into hitting things - it's remarkable just how much difference there is between a boxer and a non-boxer in terms of their ability to fight and/or defend themselves. Kickboxing accomplishes a similar goal, but obviously with kicks incorporated, which may leave your punches weaker in terms of technique.
If you want to learn self-defence, though, you'll probably want to learn it in a class that permits contact. It may sound obvious, but learning theory doesn't help you out much when you need the skills for real - you can't practice locks and throws on someone who's letting you throw them, and you can't learn to hit someone properly without actually hitting them (and hitting them hard).
I'm all for women learning how to toughen up defend themselves... Some may not see this sort of thing as a feminine activity, or they worry that they'll put on muscle and look manly, but those claims are unfounded in my opinion. It's not all that easy to put on enough muscle to make you look masculine, so it's not something women do by accident, and if self-defence is the goal, and the femininity or masculinity in learning how to protect oneself from harm is a non-issue.
Too many women become victims, and these scenarios can be avoided or reduced in likelihood by a few simple principles, and maybe some joint locks. Due vigilance and good running shoes are probably the best assets one can have to defend themselves, and having a few good friends with you also helps.
I wish you the best, Vegie, I really do.
That is not typical cop behavior so everyone please don't start judging all policemen and women by that one. Most are quite respectful of any and everyone.
I would definately start climbing up the chain of command. Start by filing a comlaint to the chief of police. If that don't work go the the county sherrif. If that don't work, file a complaint with the county DA and if that don't work still, the state DA.
Did you file a complaint with the officer? Was 911 called? Who called 911? Did you go to the hospital afterward? All of these things will have records, written and recorded, with them. Dispatch records will show what officer was dispatched to the incident.
Whether or not you are transgendered, you still have the right to be protected by law enforcement. Just leaving the attempted rape out of it and if you were beaten that bad, you have one hell of a case of assault and battery which by the way is against the law. Like I said, if the officer was dispatched, 911 was called and you were treated at a hospital or clinic, there will be records of the incident even if the officer didn't file a report. If the officer was driving by and saw what was happening, likely he or she would have gotten on the radio to report it to the dispatcher before stopping and getting out.
You can be discreet about it and you can bet that the chif of police and any and everyone else will be too. You are specifically talking about a crime being commited and not acted upon by law enforcement. Hate crime? Who knows? Was he saying anything about you while he was pummeling you? Did anyone else witness it and overhear anything? Sometimes hate crimes are hard to prove but you definately have an assault and battery going in your favor that was not acted upon by the officer investigating the case. That in itself is a crime and a pretty serious one at that.
Quote from: vegie271 on May 20, 2013, 09:39:15 PM
Ouch! don't want to do that! but I don't want to give up
Yeah, so most say it's OK, see here in town everyone is saying that me going stealth when I move is like betraying the "cause". "if we don't let people know who we are how are they ever going to know that we are real people just like them and get used to us"
but none of them have ever been victims!
Oh for crying out loud... What 'cause'? I can't help thinking that some people really enjoy or need the persecution and enjoy being victims.
I'm openly trans but this doesn't mean I walk around with a sign round my neck with big letters proclaiming 'trans'. I'm not openly trans to carry any sort of banner or torch it's just a small part of who I am, I've overcome all the discrimination and prejudice, it doesn't bother me now and in fact it's not even a topic of discussion but something which is private and personal to me.
People know me as Stella, and I can put good money on the fact that, if you were to ask them, the first thing they will tell you about me would be something about my work, what I'm like as a person, and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be that I'm trans.
It might come as a surprise to a few but the vast majority of people don't really have an issue with someone who is trans. They've got far more important things to think about.
Look, nobody else is living your life, they're not you, nobody else walks your path in life, and if you find it better to live in complete stealth then do so. It's your life and you've got the right to live your life the way you want to without needing the approval or validation from anyone else.
Life is too short to live on the basis of an opinion poll on what other people think.
Sorry, but the truth is the truth-Without SRS there is no stealth, unless you're willing to join a monastery...That's reality. That leaves moving to one of two places here in the United States: Los Angeles or San Francisco. Here you're free to be yourself.
With respect to preop dating, you have a responsibility to be truthful to your partner. It would be easier to date women as a preop woman, but if you're interested in men, you need to be honest, because none of have any business dating ->-bleeped-<-s. We don't have that luxury.
We need to date men.
Post restored
Honestly, if you have the energy, as it's not going anywhere locally, then you should bring your complaint to a higher instance. I don't know how it is wherever you are, but there should be a place you can call for such cases, at the state/province/area/etc. level.
Quote from: DrBobbi on May 21, 2013, 01:29:56 PM
I work in an emergency room and see what happens when you don't tell an jerk your trans status. I've seen trans women nearly beaten to death, requiring intubation and admission to the ICU.
Yeah I know it's a worry of many of us. But telling can still fault in this outcome. That's why I agree. Keep it to yourself and if your just going to sleep with them and run. All true blood state then why tell them anything?
Kia Ora,
Re: "What do You Think of Someone Living COMPLETELY Stealth ?"
It's no skin off my nose...How a person chooses to live "their" life is of no concern to me, unless that is, they are intentionally going out of their way to physically harm others...
What all sentient beings strive for[whether they realise this or not] is to achieve a sense of well being ie, happiness in whatever form it takes...
So Vegie, if going stealth give you a sense of well being then go for it, you're not really 'helping' anybody by being out and proud if this means living in fear...
Metta Zenda:)
Quote from: Kuan Yin on May 21, 2013, 03:50:49 PM
So Vegie, if going stealth give you a sense of well being then go for it, you're not really 'helping' anybody by being out and proud if this means living in fear...
+1. Exactly. Wise words.
Quote from: StellaB on May 21, 2013, 05:45:23 PM
+1. Exactly. Wise words.
Kia Ora Stella,
Thanks :)
Sadly some trans-people have no choice but to be out (and being proud often helps one to cope), however for those who are fortunate enough to 'blend in' but choose to run society's gauntlet, they would have to entertain some kind of masochistic tendencies, especially if they choose to live in areas that are not so trans-friendly...
I'm all for helping members of the trans-community, but it would defeat the purpose of my transition if I was to put myself in the firing line on a daily bases...But then this is just how I personally see things, others might see things differently and I respect that...
Metta Zenda :)
Dear Vegie,
I fully agree with with the comments of Jess42. What happened to you is not typical Police behavior. It is the behavior of the lazy and indifferent who cannot be bothered doing their job.
One thought I have had, Police Dept's in Australia have web pages that detail how to report corruption or give information about different programs, such as;
http://www.police.nsw.gov.au/community_issues/gay,_lesbian_and_transgender_issues (http://www.police.nsw.gov.au/community_issues/gay,_lesbian_and_transgender_issues)
Check and see if the Dept. you have concerns with have a similar home page and use it. Also as I said before, make any submissions in writing. It is very hard to ignore a written complaint, especially if it has been sent to their version of Internal Affairs.
As to the Stealth issue. You do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. Your own protection is your first priority.
Hugs
Jen
Blending is a privilege directly dependent on your level of passability, but stealth is a delusion.
Quote from: Seyranna on May 21, 2013, 07:25:02 PM
Blending is a privilege directly dependent on your level of passability, but stealth is a delusion.
Please elucidate, I pass quite well, the last time I went to an emergency room for a CAT scan they insisted I sign a statement that I was not pregnant before doing the scan. I simply told her "I am a lesbian we don't use sperm" she made me sign anyway.
but why am I deluded?
Quote from: Jess42 on May 21, 2013, 10:01:59 AM
That is not typical cop behavior so everyone please don't start judging all policemen and women by that one. Most are quite respectful of any and everyone.
I hate to differ but my local gay newspaper is in big battle with the police over several trans murders in the last five years. The police don't do anything. At all. That is what the paper is concerned about. Almost all trans murders are unsolved. Sorry these are the facts and they can not be disputed. Not trying to be disrespectful but I can't help but see this. And other trans women should too.
Evidence of such conduct I have here:
http://www.avp.org/resources/avp-resources/231--ncavp-deeply-concerned-about-three-unsolved-homicides-of-black-transgender-women-in-the-month-of-april-2013-calls-for-thorough-investigation-in-all-cases (http://www.avp.org/resources/avp-resources/231--ncavp-deeply-concerned-about-three-unsolved-homicides-of-black-transgender-women-in-the-month-of-april-2013-calls-for-thorough-investigation-in-all-cases)
http://www.glaad.org/news/transgender-star-lorena-escaleras-murder-still-unsolved-year-after-death (http://www.glaad.org/news/transgender-star-lorena-escaleras-murder-still-unsolved-year-after-death)
http://www.edgeboston.com/news/crime/news//144048/trans_murder_remains_unsolved (http://www.edgeboston.com/news/crime/news//144048/trans_murder_remains_unsolved)
http://www.advocate.com/news/daily-news/2011/09/12/wave-transgender-murders-grips-dc (http://www.advocate.com/news/daily-news/2011/09/12/wave-transgender-murders-grips-dc)
http://www.myfoxal.com/story/19634858/year-old-murder-in-woodlawn-still-unsolved (http://www.myfoxal.com/story/19634858/year-old-murder-in-woodlawn-still-unsolved)
There seems to be a pattern. And the kicker:
"Stop killing and beating down my family," says Sharon Lettman-Hicks, executive director of the National Black Justice Coalition. "As a mother, sister and advocate, I am deeply troubled by the violence that plagues our trans sisters. I'm even more saddened by our level of indifference and inaction. Where is the outcry?"
Well all this has made me cry.
Edit: Oh and if you think there are no consequences to not living stealth I have this: In Oakland, Calif., Brandy Martell, 37, was shot on April 29 in her genitals and then her chest after sharing that she was transgender.
I'm not trying to scare people just saying jchoose your friends wisely and watch where you go. If you do this, you will most likely never be a victim of violence.
...It seems different people choose to give out different messages.
[/quote]
Which is their right. My point is I thought the object of the exercise was to become something else...in this case female. So why would you insist people know your "trans"? It seems to defeat the purpose.
In the case of the other person (who looked totally masculine) who also had SRS, I was shocked when I first met her and whenever she was around me. There just wasn't anything female to relate to (apart from her clothes)
What I learned from this is that everyone is different, and just because someone has had SRS or their breasts "done" it doesn't mean they want to live necessarily as female, perhaps it's a form of attention seeking? A mental health issue or a personality disorder?
i think that (or at least hope) all of us are aware of the fact this can happen to any of us. my dad reminds me of it every day about how you cant guys go hang out with a guy because he seems nice or go somewhere and not pay attention to your surroundings. it sucks but trans folk seem to be at a higher risk for violence even more so for some reason in African American communities which i still dont fully understand. just i guess everyone be safe, careful and if nothing else happy with a smile :)
being stealth is ok as is out and proud. no matter what crazies are out there
Quote from: Kiwi4Ever on May 21, 2013, 11:04:05 PM
...It seems different people choose to give out different messages.
Which is their right. My point is I thought the object of the exercise was to become something else...in this case female. So why would you insist people know your "trans"? It seems to defeat the purpose.
In the case of the other person (who looked totally masculine) who also had SRS, I was shocked when I first met her and whenever she was around me. There just wasn't anything female to relate to (apart from her clothes)
What I learned from this is that everyone is different, and just because someone has had SRS or their breasts "done" it doesn't mean they want to live necessarily as female, perhaps it's a form of attention seeking? A mental health issue or a personality disorder?
Kia Ora Kiwi4ever,
Many moons ago mental health professionals would refuse to give the go ahead for trans-"identifiable"[where ones birth sex is still quite obvious even after being on HRT for a while] to have genital surgery, thinking it was not in the trans-person's 'best' interest, that is they would not cope in society...
However times have changed and mental health professionals are more enlightened when it comes to gender identity and no longer[well for the most part they try not to] knock a person back because they don't "pass"...They now realise for many trans-people it's not all about passing it about having their genital match their psycho-gender identity...
It's quite possible the obviously trans identifiable person you saw in Thailand had suffered from gender dysphoria just as much has the 'passable' one had...And even though they might still challenge society's concept of gender, they have found some inner peace...
"Different strokes for different folks !" Relief can come in many different forms...
BTW are you in the Nth Or Sth island ?
Metta Zenda :)
BTW are you in the Nth Or Sth island ?
Metta Zenda :)
[/quote]
In the North Island. :)
Quote from: Kiwi4Ever on May 22, 2013, 12:40:00 AM
BTW are you in the Nth Or Sth island ?
Metta Zenda :)
In the North Island. :)
Kia Ora Kiwi4ever,
Are you a JAFA ?
I should add the 'F' in this case stands for "Fabulous" and not the not so fabulous f word... ;) ;D
Metta Zenda :)
Sorry about nipping at this thread, and perhaps it has been mentioned before (I had no time to read all the comments, sorry)
But going stealth is by no means betrayal. In my eyes, forcing yourself to not go stealth is betrayal to yourself. You ARE a woman. Nothing else. Yes, you had a medical condition that your body did not match the average description of a woman, but you fixed that. It's been done and over with, so live your life as the lady you are.
The word "completely" is what throws everything askew.
Stealth to me is just a state of mind, it means you live your life without broadcasting your status. It doesn't mean some people won't know, family, close friend, will always know, but so what.
Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 22, 2013, 10:27:50 AM
The word "completely" is what throws everything askew.
Stealth to me is just a state of mind, it means you live your life without broadcasting your status. It doesn't mean some people won't know, family, close friend, will always know, but so what.
BTW I pretty much have no contact with family, my mother will only talk to me once a year, sends a card on birthday and christmas, and I am unwelcome in her home. I have no other family. Also at this point I have really no friends, no one I could really trust with the the truth, as I move to the new city I may develop some, I am making connections with the gay community (which is proper I am lesbian)
Quote from: vegie271 on May 22, 2013, 11:11:35 AM
BTW I pretty much have no contact with family, my mother will only talk to me once a year, sends a card on birthday and christmas, and I am unwelcome in her home. I have no other family. Also at this point I have really no friends, no one I could really trust with the the truth, as I move to the new city I may develop some, I am making connections with the gay community (which is proper I am lesbian)
Just remember, even those friends that you make in the future don't have to know about your status. Once everything is said and done, the only people who will know about my transition in my personal life are those who have to know. Why should you tell anyone if you are not comfortable with it? Don't feel bad about being stealth. Most of us just want to live our lives as a woman and not be reminded of our medical past. There is no shame or betrayal in that.
Quote from: StellaB on May 21, 2013, 11:31:08 AM
Oh for crying out loud... What 'cause'? I can't help thinking that some people really enjoy or need the persecution and enjoy being victims.
I'm openly trans but this doesn't mean I walk around with a sign round my neck with big letters proclaiming 'trans'. I'm not openly trans to carry any sort of banner or torch it's just a small part of who I am, I've overcome all the discrimination and prejudice, it doesn't bother me now and in fact it's not even a topic of discussion but something which is private and personal to me.
People know me as Stella, and I can put good money on the fact that, if you were to ask them, the first thing they will tell you about me would be something about my work, what I'm like as a person, and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be that I'm trans.
It might come as a surprise to a few but the vast majority of people don't really have an issue with someone who is trans. They've got far more important things to think about.
Look, nobody else is living your life, they're not you, nobody else walks your path in life, and if you find it better to live in complete stealth then do so. It's your life and you've got the right to live your life the way you want to without needing the approval or validation from anyone else.
Life is too short to live on the basis of an opinion poll on what other people think.
I have no real life experience as a girl yet, but I agree a lot to this. Thinking of being a transsexual as wearing a mask is just utterly degrading... you shouldn't HAVE to tell people you are, because being a trans means you've swapped, in most cases, to your correct inner gender. So now you are visually equal to what you are internally. So, you're a girl. They don't have to know any more than that if you don't want them to.
I kind of wish to be stealth, but to an extent. As I have the support of most all of my family, there are still going to be some open ends that I'm going to have to live with. People don't have to know if you don't want them to. You're a girl, the end. No shame in that.
Quote from: Sierra Belle on May 22, 2013, 05:58:32 PM
I have no real life experience as a girl yet, but I agree a lot to this. Thinking of being a transsexual as wearing a mask is just utterly degrading... you shouldn't HAVE to tell people you are, because being a trans means you've swapped, in most cases, to your correct inner gender. So now you are visually equal to what you are internally. So, you're a girl. They don't have to know any more than that if you don't want them to.
I kind of wish to be stealth, but to an extent. As I have the support of most all of my family, there are still going to be some open ends that I'm going to have to live with. People don't have to know if you don't want them to. You're a girl, the end. No shame in that.
:)What a wonderful insight you have young lady to what this process should be about. I hope you will have the financial resources to use (if you wish) to match the attitude you have ;)