Hi everyone. I have been reading posts on the forum for a while and finally have decided to introduce myself.
Born female, I have always felt like I didn't belong in my own skin. The first 10 years of my life I dressed and behaved as a boy, hated being called a girl, adopted a unisex nickname while hating my own, introduced myself as a boy to kids in my neighborhood and so on. i was also always attracted to girls, but didn't quite understand what it all meant.
My family was never accepting and pushed me to behave "as a girl should" and at the age of 11yo I finally did. I have repressed everything..my entire being and became another person. This stage of my life lasted almost 30 years. I have lived my life as hetero woman, married a guy and had kids all while having periods of times when I questioned everything about myself...but I guess I drove myself into denial so well, that all the excuses I fed myself worked and kept me going like this...until a few years ago, when everything popped. That's when I realized I was attracted to women and that I always felt more like a guy than a woman (which explained a lot), but what confused me (still does), is that although many times in my life I envied men for their genitals and looks, when thinking about the possibility of transition, I didn't like the idea at all. There a part in me who still feels like a woman and that part resists any thought of physical change. I always felt like there was some kind of a conflict going inside me between my feeling as a man and my feeling as a woman, although the man in me was always much more dominant. Since my divorce, change of country my life has changed completely. I have met a woman who loves me as I am and married her, I have changed my look as much as possible to look as I feel (men's clothes, short hair) and I live as I really am. The problem is that every now and then thoughts like growing my hair, wearing more feminine clothes etc. creep into my mind. why is that a problem? because the man in me can't stand the idea of looking more feminine. I have never agreed to wear dresses and skirts, bras with underwire, never liked make-up..most of the time I'm a man in a female body...except for here and there when i get emotional and feel more feminine.
I don't know what that makes me...am I a non-op FTM, Genderqueer, Bigender or something else? I always fear that at some point I'd want to transition while my other side won't. Not sure how to live with this conflict, and where I belong. I would appreciate any thoughts you may have. Thanks.
Glad to be here!
Welcome! I'm new too and trying to figure out where I fit in the gender spectrum. I hope you figure out what you truly feel is you. I'm glad that you found someone who loves you for who you are though! Love is the one thing that helps you through everything, and I'm sure you will find your answers.
Hi Mac!
Welcome.
I have to admit that struggling with labels can leave you exhausted and not of much use in the end. I would call you a perfectly normal human being who has gender dysmorphia and has/is dealing with it.
There are so many people here that we cover the whole range of human sexuality and gender identification, and IMO they are all normal human beings.
Anyhow welcome, I'm Cindy, I'm in Adelaide South Australia. No doubt one of the team with the link to the rules will dive in for a hello soon.
You, and your partner if she wishes, are very welcome.
Have a look through stuff and join in with comments and posts.
Hugs
Cindy
Nice to meet you, Mac.
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First things first - don't worry too much about labels. You are you. Sometimes, working with a gender therapist will help you sort things out, and help you decide on how you might best live in your own skin and present to the rest of the word. That may mean transition; it may mean nothing at all; or it may mean something in between.
You have a supportive community here, too, that can help you see the options.
Thank you all for the warm welcome and replies. I'm very happy I found this community as it really helps to hear from others who can understand what I'm going through.
Hi Mac, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 11365. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
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Janet )O(