How do you deal with those days where you just feel that this whole transgender thing is something that would be easier to just stuff back in the closet and forget? The days where you look in the mirror and you're the wrong person and there's no hope for solving the problem? Those times when it's all just so f**king difficult and nothing is going right and you're still a thousand miles away from your goal and it looks like you're getting further away instead of closer?
Not suicidal or anything - just feeling today like this is something I should have dismissed long ago as a silly idea that will cause me and those around me more trouble than it's worth.
I'm still well before the point at which there's any permanent damage. Nobody knows (other than you guys). I can just throw away the makeup, man up, and get on with my life and nobody other than me would be any the wiser. But I know that next year, or next week, or tomorrow, or next decade, these feelings will come back again.
Any ideas?
No idea, either.
But I can tell you that manning up and ignoring it and hoping the feelings went away sure didn't work for me. I've been utterly miserable these last few years and, worse, I've always felt like I was hiding an even bigger secret than when I was actually trying to pass!
Sometimes you do have to look at the end goal and remind yourself why you want it and how good you'll feel when you make it there. It might seem far away but sometimes you need the reminder just to get through a day.
Reward yourself for small milestones, too! It sounds silly but it actually works really well. Give yourself a reward for getting something painful but necessary out of the way, or for learning something new.
Those two responses make me feel a bit better - thanks kkut and NoAlternative. Just hearing a voice or reading a post is good medicine sometimes.
Been there and done that. Including purging (long in the past).
Your right it always comes back, stronger.
Best advice don't act too hastily when you go through these periods.
I wish you the best.
Well, I can't tell you how to get through other than always look on the bright side of life. Keeping a positive mindset really helps.
While our situations may be different, let me share my own experience. I once let my fears defeat and prevent me from transitioning when i was a little younger. When I was 19, I had a plan to transition and live as me. Unfortunately, I freaked out and went into denial mode. I hoped that by trying to ignore it and be a guy it would all work out. Like you, I worried about how it would impact the others around me and whether I ever could be accepted or pass. I'm guessing you see how well that plan worked for me. But, you are right, transitioning is tough. I still have fears about rejection and hurting those that I love (I'm sure you've seen some of my threads). I can't guarantee everything will go smoothly and that saddens me. However, I know who I am and what I want. Sure, there will be challenges and roadblocks, but I will overcome them in order to gain personal happiness. Do I wish it were easier? Of course. But is quitting a better option than meeting the challenges? For me, definitely not.
The best advice I can give you is to follow your heart. If you feel transitioning is right for you and know that this will all come back, then you must realize that you will always deal with this. If you feel that you could deal with that without transitioning, that's great. But if you feel you have to transition, then realize that these challenges are in the way of your own personal happiness.
No matter what, if you feel confused about your path, please seek some help. Transitioning is a major step and should only be considered and pursued once you know this is what you want and have to do. It is not the proper path for all of us, but it is for some of us. I'm under the impression you have a wife and child, am I correct? If so, I would really make sure you know what you want before proceeding.
I think we have all tried to lock away our feelings over the years but we know they always come back. The reason they come back is because they are real. I spent a lifetime trying to man up and as a result I missed all those years when I should have enjoyed being a young woman. Instead I have started my real life as a middle aged woman. I find it helps once we accept who we are. Once I accepted who I was I started to learn to love myself for who I am. In some ways we girls are very special. Most men never know what it is to be a girl.
Don't lose hope. We all have bad days. When I was young my mom used to say about herself "when you are down, doll yourself up, put on some lipstick and get back out there". I now understand what she meant.
Treat yourself E-Brennan. You're worth it!
Take care.
Love,
Ciara.
By the way.....I love your avatar. I hope she smiles soon:-).
Love,
Ciara.
I hope so too. :)
Thanks for the gentle encouragement everyone.
I just keep on reminding myself how much I know I want this xx
There's days it's harder then others of course but with each tug at the thread or step on the ladder - I'm slowly re-discovering the person I know I havealways been inside. That's how I feel anyway.
Looking to future is a good way to get through those harsh days - being positive and happy in yourself.
Stuffing it away in the closet will only mean it'll come back... maybe not right away but eventually it will find a way back and then you'll have regrets & upset... trust me!
Hope you feel better soon
Lets see...
I break into all my wifes makeup, grab my wig and my clothes, then I spend a lot of time pampering myself and turning my bathroom into a spa.
I make myself presentable then strut around my house! (Too afraid to go out yet)
*shrugs*
Erin, that is awesome!
^_- thank you!
Try it out if you can its a lot of fun.
Quote from: Erin S on May 31, 2013, 09:53:05 PM
Lets see...
I break into all my wifes makeup, grab my wig and my clothes, then I spend a lot of time pampering myself and turning my bathroom into a spa.
I make myself presentable then strut around my house! (Too afraid to go out yet)
*shrugs*
That sounds like a perfect remedy....I'd love to try it sometime.
Love
Ciara.
I've had plenty of those WTF existential days, especially over the past 3-4 years. After having spent the better part of 50 years doing the stuffing, semi-denial, plenty of diversions and distractions thing I now sort of have a good foundation for making a comparison of what works, and what doesn't.
I am very much entrenched in a life that hinders going full-time. Even living part-time has just been put on a hiatus thanks to a new job and relocation. (Sad part is I had no fears in rural WV but here in the metro NYC area that I know all too well...) Yet I learned and grew so much as a person the past few years, lost a ton of shame about being trans, lost a lot of the guilt, know first hand what it is like to be seen as and accepted as a woman. I learned that that dream I basically gave up on in my 20's is still very much alive. Better yet, it is not a dream, it has been and can be a reality again.
In spite of all that, it has been way too easy for me to fall back into my old modalities. Loosing myself in a sea of other responsibilities. Even as recently as last night while doing what I promised myself before taking this new job and relocating, my promise to advantage myself of being in "Trans-Central", as my wife calls it, to find a local for real gender therapist that does not require a 3 hour drive as it was in WV for me, I fell into the WTF? Why bother? Nothing can come of it. Nothing can change for several years until I dig my wife and I out of the financial hole we are in and her health improves. Why waste my hard earned money and precious free time for a fruitless undertaking?
My wife's answer... "I don't want to see you hanging from a rafter"
My answer is I know what brings joy to my life. I know what made me feel alive. To once again feel some passion. I know what made me finally feel good being inside this body, seeing the me who I always knew I am. I know what makes my life really work, and what doesn't.
Over the past few years I shed a few gallons of tears. There have been many fearful and painful periods I had to go through. I constantly need to be reminded that these WTF? episodes are part of the process which has been leading me to life I want... A happy joyous life I truly do deserve
Uh, I guess I went nuts yesterday. All my makeup is gone, threw it in a trashcan far from home. Now I feel worse than before, because I want it back. Cleaning house made me feel decisive and positive for the rest of yesterday evening only, but I woke up this morning still the same as before. Looking in that mirror before I got in the shower this morning was a depressing nightmare, even more so because I'm mad at myself for taking a step backwards instead of a step forwards. Angry at my behavior as well as my body now. :'(
Don't be so hard on yourself, E-Brennan. Although the goal is obviously to learn to accept yourself, doing things like doubting yourself, feeling like it'd be easier to forget your true feelings, and even throwing away all your make-up doesn't mean you've taken a step backwards or that you've somehow failed some test. All of those things are natural reactions to dealing with gender dysphoria or really any type of struggle. I've been there and I'd be surprised if there was a single person on this site who hasn't been there.
For me, the moments where I've tried to deny that I need help and tried to cut myself off from the resources that help me become a happier, healthier person have only strengthened my resolve in the future to take care of myself. After all, we learn from our mistakes just as much, if not more, than we do from our accomplishments.
For example, when I stopped taking my depression medication and avoided regular therapy sessions because I thought that I could do without those things for a while and save my parents some money in the process, that was a huge mistake. It definitely hurt me, but I learned something from it in the process. I learned not to do that ever again and I learned just how important it is for me to do what I need to do to be happier and healthier, and for me, that means taking my regular medication and especially going to regular therapy.
The same thing applies to my struggles with my gender identity. I thought that exploring my true feelings and allowing myself to be who I really am would only hurt me and those around me, so I tried to stifle those feelings as much as I could and stick to only being a woman. I deleted all the pictures I had taken of myself dressed as a man, deleted the account those pictures were on, and tried to focus on being feminine. That didn't make me happy, though, and I began to feel empty and unsatisfied without being able to express both sides of myself. I'm now learning to accept who I am and accept my true feelings and I've been much happier and healthier. That doesn't mean that everything's going to be easy from here on out, but I know that it's worth it to be happier and healthier in the long-term.
Thanks for sharing that, Rinzler. It's all part of the process I guess, one that we've been told is wrong or crazy or weird by everyone and everything for our whole lives. It's a hard mental attitude to break.
Quote from: E-Brennan on June 02, 2013, 07:35:17 AM
Thanks for sharing that, Rinzler. It's all part of the process I guess, one that we've been told is wrong or crazy or weird by everyone and everything for our whole lives. It's a hard mental attitude to break.
You're welcome, E-Brennan. And I agree, it's definitely a very hard mental attitude to break with the struggles and discrimination that faces people that are transgender. I think it helps to focus on taking things one day at a time, one step at a time. Also, I really like NoAlternative's suggestion to reward yourself for small milestones. In any case, just don't forget that your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health!
Quote from: Erin S on May 31, 2013, 09:53:05 PM
Lets see...
I break into all my wifes makeup, grab my wig and my clothes, then I spend a lot of time pampering myself and turning my bathroom into a spa.
I make myself presentable then strut around my house! (Too afraid to go out yet)
*shrugs*
Erin, I took your advice. Had the afternoon free, everyone was out of the house, so I put on one of my wife's little tops and a pair of her heels (and a pair of my jeans - I wasn't naked from the waist down), then stood in front of the mirror for about thirty minutes. Compared to last time (where I looked like a man in a dress), this time I felt good. Like,
really good. Like, this
might work kinda good.
Just got to lose another twenty pounds (lost five already since my last hopeless attempt at dressing), but this time felt good because I picked clothes that worked for my body - not a dress, just a feminine top, jeans that fit, and the heels did wonders for my legs. Those few extra inches really change the whole dynamic of the body.
Still no wig yet - too frightened to buy one and wouldn't know where to start. But today was a good day for a change.
If only I hadn't thrown all my makeup away, I might have been able to change my avatar to less of a sad face.
If you feel concerned about buying a wig in store, you could go the online route. Though, the really realistic ones are usually fitted for ones head in store. I'm sure you could find a trans friendly place to buy a wig somewhere. I've never done it myself, so I can't really suggest much in that realm.
Nonetheless, I'm glad things are getting better. Now keep growing that hair out!
P.S. Yes, we need a new uplifting avatar ;)
Quote from: Rinzler on June 03, 2013, 08:59:39 AM
You're welcome, E-Brennan. And I agree, it's definitely a very hard mental attitude to break with the struggles and discrimination that faces people that are transgender. I think it helps to focus on taking things one day at a time, one step at a time. Also, I really like NoAlternative's suggestion to reward yourself for small milestones. In any case, just don't forget that your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health!
I'm really glad this worked for you!!
I bought my wig online my hair is far too short due to work.
Quote from: E-Brennan on June 10, 2013, 03:35:21 PM
Erin, I took your advice. Had the afternoon free, everyone was out of the house, so I put on one of my wife's little tops and a pair of her heels (and a pair of my jeans - I wasn't naked from the waist down), then stood in front of the mirror for about thirty minutes. Compared to last time (where I looked like a man in a dress), this time I felt good. Like, really good. Like, this might work kinda good.
Just got to lose another twenty pounds (lost five already since my last hopeless attempt at dressing), but this time felt good because I picked clothes that worked for my body - not a dress, just a feminine top, jeans that fit, and the heels did wonders for my legs. Those few extra inches really change the whole dynamic of the body.
Still no wig yet - too frightened to buy one and wouldn't know where to start. But today was a good day for a change.
If only I hadn't thrown all my makeup away, I might have been able to change my avatar to less of a sad face.
Hi E-Brennan,
Sorry that I've taken so long to get back to this post. I'm so glad that dressing is starting to work out better for you. It will work out and you will see that girl in the mirror. That will bring a smile to your avatar that we all look forward to!
The wig is a problem for me too. I don't even know where to start looking but it could make such a difference.
Don't worry about the make up. You can always buy more (meanwhile you can possibly raid your wife's make up bag). As I said previously, treat yourself......because you're worth it!
Looking forward to see her smile.
Love,
Ciara.
Tomorrow is a new day and with that comes hope.
Thanks everyone. Although yesterday was great, today's it's all falling to pieces again inside my head. But I don't want to hog threads on this site, so it's really not worth getting into. Just another down day. No smiling avatar anytime soon. :(
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope tomorrow will be another good day. Don't worry about hogging threads. We are all here when you need to talk.
Love,
Ciara.
To get through those days, I do a lot of sleeping so I can't think about it. Other than that, I'm not really sure how I get through them. It just kinda happens.
Quote from: E-Brennan on June 11, 2013, 05:54:14 PM
Thanks everyone. Although yesterday was great, today's it's all falling to pieces again inside my head. But I don't want to hog threads on this site, so it's really not worth getting into. Just another down day. No smiling avatar anytime soon. :(
This is your thread. Why should you feel guilty about posting in it? Everyone is here for you if you need to talk. Remember, we all have our ups and downs. Tomorrow can easily be another up day.
Quote from: E-Brennan on June 11, 2013, 05:54:14 PM
Thanks everyone. Although yesterday was great, today's it's all falling to pieces again inside my head. But I don't want to hog threads on this site, so it's really not worth getting into. Just another down day. No smiling avatar anytime soon. :(
Your feelings of guilt and shame after dressing are pretty universal, just like the purge. It takes a long time, lots of working on yourself to bring about change, plus a few gallons of tears.
It does get better